My ex broke up with me and is now acting mean, cold and heartless...Why???

[al007]

Explain what you mean by being selfish and cold??

 

Meaning if I did not see a future with someone I would not pretend like I care for them and there is a future just so I can keep them around longer because I might be lonely. I wouldn't make them feel special and do that willingly if I had no intentions of being in my future plans nor introduce them to my family or close friends. I would never mention about being exclusive. why would I do any of that if I knew I didn't want a.future with that person. Unless.its for pure selfish reasons and to do that is plain mean and cold. Sorry I could nevet do that to a person. If I meet someone and I.can tell they like me I won't lead them on and.hurt them. I would let them know right away.

Edited March 12, 2012 by al007

[al007]

You have totally lost me...

 

I am describing what she did to me.and.stating that I would.never ever do something that mean and selfish to someone else.

[windmask]

hi

 

yea my ex gf broke up with me too and humiliated when doing so and now acts like i should drop dead. which is strange because she broke up with me and she was rude to me like i didnt do anything to her.

 

i find it weird wish there was an answer for that. why the dumpers act so rude and feel they better then everyone else. i emailed her after a year because i had a tough day she decides to not even respond i said sure.

[al007]

Hi TaraMaiden and Fluorescent

 

I took some of your advice TaraMaiden about being nice even if she is being bitchy. Yesterday morning I said "I am sorry." She said "I have nothing to be sorry about and kept saying why she could not understand why she did what I did what she did." I didn't respond to that. I then said and "once again I am sorry for coming in and complicating your life. It seems I have. I am sorry for any damage I caused with you and your household."That was response was 11 in the afternoon from her. I then would not text her anymore and leave her alone for now.

 

Well I worked late and was having dinner with a friend and missed a few texts from her at 7pm she texted me asking "if I am ok" then less than an hour later has the nerve to say "Alright well obviously you are playing games" wow can you believe she had to say that. I mean wow lol

 

I then responded at 9 said " worked late and had dinner with a friend" and then said "I don't play games"

 

2 hours later which is 11:30 at night, she says "well when i get a flurry of texts and then nothing what am i think" "I just want to know you are ok", and this wow "I know you could have answered is why I said don't play games" seems like the shoe is on the other foot with that response and then she said " i won't worry from now on"

 

Thoughts...

[TaraMaiden]

Hi TaraMaiden and Fluorescent

 

I took some of your advice TaraMaiden ......

 

Thoughts...

 

 

I see you didn't take my advice on going no Contact and staying no contact.

It's very easy - don't respond to texts or phone calls, at all.

just don't press answer, and don't read texts, reply and press send.

 

simple.

 

Do it, and stop with all this back-and-forth posting.

 

Next post i want to read from you is -

 

"I haven't contacted her for weeks, I haven't responded to anything, and life is great!"

[Mack05]

Can I just back up Fluorescent 1000% here. In my last relationship my ex was very critical of some of my behaviours in the relationship. Not only that, she was downright nasty to me at the end. While I didn’t appreciate the verbal abuse, I could understand her anger. Not only that, some of her criticisms of me and her reading of my personality were really spot on. I have learnt an enormous amount from her and I read her non venomous mails of me regularly to help me learn and grow..

 

I was very up and down in the relationship so I could see/understand her frustrations. I was not decisive in the relationship and to top it all off I used to send long drawn out emails to her instead of actually communicating in an effective way. These exact mistakes I made in a relationship before that. I promise OP I am going somewhere in with this...Just going to tell you my story and hope you can relate.

 

We spent some time apart after the new year and I broke NC. I broke NC, because we planned to reconnect at a later date and I actually didn’t want that. I realized after some soul searching that it was pointless to reconnect. Yes, I would have worked hard on my personal issues/flaws, but what she couldn’t comprehend or understand were that her issues were just as detrimental to our relationship. If we reconnected we would have failed again. My ex was full of unresolved anger, highly sensitive and had an amazing ability to falsely assume and take things up I was saying in completely the wrong way. Despite all that I wanted her, believed if we did it right there could have been a future together, but not unless she was willing to meet me half way and work with me towards something. She wasn’t willing to do that. Things weren’t as smooth as they should have been, so her faith and trust in me was gone. Too much pull – push..

 

I approached her in a way saying I wanted her back in the future, but only after she fixed her own personal issues. As usual my communication and how I approached her was that like a bull in a china shop. She got ultra defensive as she always did and that is the last I will ever see or hear from her again. Do I regret not shutting my mouth and waiting for a few months? No. Not my one second. Yes my heart got crushed and it will take me time to recover from that, but I was honest with myself and honest with her. She views things very different to me and prefers just to blame me and then not hear me out. She was right about me on many things, but her over-reactions were simply ridiculous at times. Blaming, angry reactions, over reacting, hyper-sensitivity all come from unresolved anger.

 

So why give you my story? Like you I still have strong feelings for my ex. But like you if we reconnected right now, we wouldn’t have a snow ball’s chance in hell of succeeding. And this is the exact point I want to make to you. The two things myself and my ex lacked, you have the same issues with your ex. 1) Trust 2) Communication..You need to spend time apart and focus on your communication. You say you were perfect, but I wonder what your ex would say to that? No one is perfect in a relationship. I wonder OP is your communication in a relationship as bad as mine is?

 

I don’t worry about my ex. She is VERY attractive and has brains to burn. She has overcome many obstacles in her life and I believe she is clued in enough to understand at some stage she needs to let go of this anger that has affected her life so negatively (till now) and learn to communicate effectively and to form a real and lasting ‘partnership’ with a man. The right guy for her won’t mess up like I did, BUT some of things she learnt from me/us will help her form this bond in future and vice versa for me..

 

I am more worried about myself, if I am being honest. I go to Therapy, reads books and learn, but putting the theory into practice is not easy. It’s a slow process of recovery. A process I have rushed before and kidded myself over. It's a slow process to become an emotionally healthy man, with a first class ability to communicate in a relationship and make his partner happy most of the time..You need to worry more about yourself and not her. You need space to figure out what went wrong from your side..Time will give you clarity. I promise you that if you have the attitude “I did nothing wrong” you won’t learn a thing...The relationship now is unworkable and there is a strong chance that it is forever over. You can’t think along the lines that "ok I will do all this hard work and hopefully my ex will want me at the end after she misses me". Life doesn’t work like that. There is a fantastic reply in another thread “do dumpers come to resent the dumpee”. Below is the answer..

 

“If they're the type of person who avoids responsibility and deflects blame, then yes, they'll resent whoever they left-- because that's the reaction they're limited to. If they lacked the capacity to be accountable before the breakup, it's not likely they'll suddenly develop it afterwards. I'm sure it happens, but it requires a lot of willingness to grow on the dumper's behalf-- and like I said, if they didn't arrive with that capacity at the beginning of the relationship, it takes a pretty dynamic, special person to develop it on the way out... which, sadly, isn't a trait that abounds with most people in general, let alone those who are predisposed to dumping their partners.

 

If the dumper was a kind, compassionate, well-adjusted person to begin with, then no such resentment exists, probably. Sure, there's most likely some regret, and residual guilt or grief, but no bitterness. A secure, loving person would just be sad that it ended, not disdainful towards their former love”

 

Would I love my ex to suddenly see my point of view and what me back in future? Of course!! but life doesn’t work like that (see underlined above). She will never see things from my prespective and vice versa. It’s about gaining acceptance that you were not right for one another. Listen to your ex! Mine said "its over, leave me go and never contact me again". Yours said "the age gap is too big". Accept her decision, listen to her. When the time is right forgive her and then start to move on..

 

I apologise for the length of the post, but I hope you understand what I am trying to say. Let it go mate. Take the time apart that you both need. Refusal to do so will lead to more heartbreak. Myself and my ex left on terrible terms. I wish it were different. Learn my lesson and leave go NOW. There is nothing you can do. Leave her go, accept that the way things are now (and there is no reason to think that will change in future) you are not right for one another and focus on your future happiness...Analysing her endlessly will get you nowhere..If you can't see why you have to leave go now and give each other space (with no expectations of a reunion) then no one on this forum can help you..

Edited March 13, 2012 by Mack05

[al007]

Can I just back up Fluorescent 1000% here. In my last relationship my ex was very critical of some of my behaviours in the relationship. Not only that, she was downright nasty to me at the end. While I didn’t appreciate the verbal abuse, I could understand her anger. Not only that, some of her criticisms of me and her reading of my personality were really spot on. I have learnt an enormous amount from her and I read her non venomous mails of me regularly to help me learn and grow..

 

I was very up and down in the relationship so I could see/understand her frustrations. I was not decisive in the relationship and to top it all off I used to send long drawn out emails to her instead of actually communicating in an effective way. These exact mistakes I made in a relationship before that. I promise OP I am going somewhere in with this...Just going to tell you my story and hope you can relate.

 

We spent some time apart after the new year and I broke NC. I broke NC, because we planned to reconnect at a later date and I actually didn’t want that. I realized after some soul searching that it was pointless to reconnect. Yes, I would have worked hard on my personal issues/flaws, but what she couldn’t comprehend or understand were that her issues were just as detrimental to our relationship. If we reconnected we would have failed again. My ex was full of unresolved anger, highly sensitive and had an amazing ability to falsely assume and take things up I was saying in completely the wrong way. Despite all that I wanted her, believed if we did it right there could have been a future together, but not unless she was willing to meet me half way and work with me towards something. She wasn’t willing to do that. Things weren’t as smooth as they should have been, so her faith and trust in me was gone. Too much pull – push..

 

I approached her in a way saying I wanted her back in the future, but only after she fixed her own personal issues. As usual my communication and how I approached her was that like a bull in a china shop. She got ultra defensive as she always did and that is the last I will ever see or hear from her again. Do I regret not shutting my mouth and waiting for a few months? No. Not my one second. Yes my heart got crushed and it will take me time to recover from that, but I was honest with myself and honest with her. She views things very different to me and prefers just to blame me and then not hear me out. She was right about me on many things, but her over-reactions were simply ridiculous at times. Blaming, angry reactions, over reacting, hyper-sensitivity all come from unresolved anger.

 

So why give you my story? Like you I still have strong feelings for my ex. But like you if we reconnected right now, we wouldn’t have a snow ball’s chance in hell of succeeding. And this is the exact point I want to make to you. The two things myself and my ex lacked, you have the same issues with your ex. 1) Trust 2) Communication..You need to spend time apart and focus on your communication. You say you were perfect, but I wonder what your ex would say to that? No one is perfect in a relationship. I wonder OP is your communication in a relationship as bad as mine is?

 

I don’t worry about my ex. She is VERY attractive and has brains to burn. She has overcome many obstacles in her life and I believe she is clued in enough to understand at some stage she needs to let go of this anger that has affected her life so negatively (till now) and learn to communicate effectively and to form a real and lasting ‘partnership’ with a man. The right guy for her won’t mess up like I did, BUT some of things she learnt from me/us will help her form this bond in future and vice versa for me..

 

I am more worried about myself, if I am being honest. I go to Therapy, reads books and learn, but putting the theory into practice is not easy. It’s a slow process of recovery. A process I have rushed before and kidded myself over. It's a slow process to become an emotionally healthy man, with a first class ability to communicate in a relationship and make his partner happy most of the time..You need to worry more about yourself and not her. You need space to figure out what went wrong from your side..Time will give you clarity. I promise you that if you have the attitude “I did nothing wrong” you won’t learn a thing...The relationship now is unworkable and there is a strong chance that it is forever over. You can’t think along the lines that "ok I will do all this hard work and hopefully my ex will want me at the end after she misses me". Life doesn’t work like that. There is a fantastic reply in another thread “do dumpers come to resent the dumpee”. Below is the answer..

 

“If they're the type of person who avoids responsibility and deflects blame, then yes, they'll resent whoever they left-- because that's the reaction they're limited to. If they lacked the capacity to be accountable before the breakup, it's not likely they'll suddenly develop it afterwards. I'm sure it happens, but it requires a lot of willingness to grow on the dumper's behalf-- and like I said, if they didn't arrive with that capacity at the beginning of the relationship, it takes a pretty dynamic, special person to develop it on the way out... which, sadly, isn't a trait that abounds with most people in general, let alone those who are predisposed to dumping their partners.

 

If the dumper was a kind, compassionate, well-adjusted person to begin with, then no such resentment exists, probably. Sure, there's most likely some regret, and residual guilt or grief, but no bitterness. A secure, loving person would just be sad that it ended, not disdainful towards their former love”

 

Would I love my ex to suddenly see my point of view and what me back in future? Of course!! but life doesn’t work like that (see underlined above). She will never see things from my prespective and vice versa. It’s about gaining acceptance that you were not right for one another. Listen to your ex! Mine said "its over, leave me go and never contact me again". Yours said "the age gap is too big". Accept her decision, listen to her. When the time is right forgive her and then start to move on..

 

I apologise for the length of the post, but I hope you understand what I am trying to say. Let it go mate. Take the time apart that you both need. Refusal to do so will lead to more heartbreak. Myself and my ex left on terrible terms. I wish it were different. Learn my lesson and leave go NOW. There is nothing you can do. Leave her go, accept that the way things are now (and there is no reason to think that will change in future) you are not right for one another and focus on your future happiness...Analysing her endlessly will get you nowhere..If you can't see why you have to leave go now and give each other space (with no expectations of a reunion) then no one on this forum can help you..

 

Thanks for the words