"Just for fun"

[Angelina527]

It begs the question: Is part of the "fun" the fact that another is being betrayed?

 

For your spouse, was part of the "fun" that he was getting away with betraying you?

 

Fun that creates another's pain....that's some twisted thrills

 

That's exactly my point...that kind of fun is not really fun at all. It will cause pain in the end, whether it's the BS or the OW...nobody will come out of it unscathed.

[xxoo]

That's exactly my point...that kind of fun is not really fun at all. It will cause pain in the end, whether it's the BS or the OW...nobody will come out of it unscathed.

 

Since you are your H are strong now, did he get to the bottom of how he could consider it fun to betray you?

 

Do you really understand all the hows and whys? Does he?

[Stellar Wench]

Nope, I was not just in it for fun. I'm deeply ashamed of my affair with my husband, but I can say that it was never just for sex or a good time.

Your reason for having an affair is no more valid than theirs. I don't understand where you get off on judging.

[Angelina527]

Since you are your H are strong now, did he get to the bottom of how he could consider it fun to betray you?

 

Do you really understand all the hows and whys? Does he?

 

We do...we have an excellent Dr. working with us and we've both learned a lot. We have also both worked extremely hard to make this work...we're succeeding.

[xxoo]

We do...we have an excellent Dr. working with us and we've both learned a lot. We have also both worked extremely hard to make this work...we're succeeding.

 

Ok, good to hear.

 

I was thinking that unanswered questions might be contributing to your pain.

 

Even if you know the answers, I imagine it is difficult to wrap your head around them....

[Angelina527]

Your reason for having an affair is no more valid than theirs. I don't understand where you get off on judging.

 

There is no reason that is valid.

 

And I "get off" because I've been on both sides...I KNOW the pain that was felt because someone wanted to have some fun with my husband.

 

I also KNOW the pain that I caused because I was in love with her husband.

 

Neither reasons are valid, both are cheap excuses, but when you're the one who is sitting in this seat, the "fun" part of it seems a lot worse.

[jwi71]

Of course I can....it's grief and it's perfectly normal. It takes years to recover fully. There is nothing wrong now except what was done before. Triggers are my biggest enemy.

 

I keyed on grief as grief and pain are not the same (at least not to me).

Grief is remorse at losing something (or more usually someone).

 

What are you grieving?

 

His A?

 

Which one?

 

And I view pain as more of negative emotions - broadly defined.

 

The difference being grief, for me, is centered around loss, whereas pain is more broadly defined (negative emotions).

 

Which leads me to triggers. Triggers are reminders of emotional pain (not grief). Picking at the scab so to speak (necessarily of something that hasn't fully healed).

 

So my thought process was (and is) that something isn't fully healed and the triggers remind you of pain (not grief). Or if grief, why grief vs pain?

 

Ultimately, we may have a simple semantic issue I am creating.

 

I hope that you are taking active steps in healing and not waiting for time to pass...it is those who wait for time to heal that heal the least (if at all). So actively heal.

[Angelina527]

I keyed on grief as grief and pain are not the same (at least not to me).

Grief is remorse at losing something (or more usually someone).

 

What are you grieving?

 

His A?

 

Which one?

 

And I view pain as more of negative emotions - broadly defined.

 

The difference being grief, for me, is centered around loss, whereas pain is more broadly defined (negative emotions).

 

Which leads me to triggers. Triggers are reminders of emotional pain (not grief). Picking at the scab so to speak (necessarily of something that hasn't fully healed).

 

So my thought process was (and is) that something isn't fully healed and the triggers remind you of pain (not grief). Or if grief, why grief vs pain?

 

Ultimately, we may have a simple semantic issue I am creating.

 

I hope that you are taking active steps in healing and not waiting for time to pass...it is those who wait for time to heal that heal the least (if at all). So actively heal.

 

 

Yeah, i think we are dealing with semantics.

 

I am healing remarkably well, but it's taken a lot of time and there's still room for more healing. I wouldn't be healing so well if my husband wasn't doing everything in his power to right his wrongs and to fix what was broken in him. And I've done everything I can to address what made me become an OW...

[nofool4u]

Read what Tiger said...she expressed it quite well. It cheapens it somehow if it's just for fun.

 

Its cheap anyway. So basically what you are saying is that because you didn't mess around with someone elses husband just for fun, that it wasn't cheap?

[Angelina527]

Its cheap anyway. So basically what you are saying is that because you didn't mess around with someone elses husband just for fun, that it wasn't cheap?

 

Please reread my previous post...

 

"Neither reasons are valid, both are cheap excuses, but when you're the one who is sitting in this seat, the "fun" part of it seems a lot worse."

[MissBee]

Angelina,

 

I think for the most part, when people say they are "just having fun" in an A, they are covering up how they really feel. Some of the time, when A's start out as just sex, its easy to say this line of crap. Over the course of an A, things start to change. You cannot help but start to have feelings for someone youve been sleeping with for awhile. Even DM said this himself in his thread. He knew once the feelings started to come, he needed to do something about it.

 

Ive read where some OW just bury their real feelings deep down. I think most of them know that if they start to convey how they are feeling about their MM, the MM would back off or run for the hills. In other words, dont rock the boat. Its easy to say "Hey, Im in it for the fun or we are just FWB". When really all it is is a cover up so you dont end up getting hurt. Because I do believe that everyone who involves themselves in a A, deep down know they are wrong. Period.

 

Anywho, I have not read your backstory. I am sorry that you are hurting. I wish you peace and I hope you find some happiness in your life to come. I think we all deserve it.

 

One of the truest posts on LS!

[Lostinlife4now]

I don't know the history of you and your xmm..........but there are many people who have affairs and there is nothing major wrong with their marriage. Sometimes people are just broken inside and sometimes people are just selfish and entitled asses who just want more.

 

It's a fallacy to assume that that just because someone cheats that their marriage is in major trouble. Of course, it will be if there is a d day, but that's a different sort of trouble.

 

In my case......I don't think there were major issues in his marriage, he just wanted both of us and went down the road of pathological lying to have it. I also think that in my case, he holds some deep resentment and fear toward women........but hey this is my own hindsight talking.

 

 

If there are no real issues in a marriage and all are happy, then WHY STRAY? Doesn't make sense!

[LovelyLaura]

Because there is an opportunity there.

 

Affair is not just happen because of will, but also because there is an opportunity they can seize..

[Lostinlife4now]

All marriages have issues, but yet not everyone strays. The difference is character, don't you think? A refusal to become someone who lies to the person they vowed not to.

 

I thought I explained my pov pretty well in previous post but I'll try it again. It can be for a myriad of reasons that have little to do with the marriage or the person they are married to.

 

Boredom, lack of sex, lack of attention, lack of fulfillment within themselves, resentment, passive aggressiveness, hatred for women, middle aged crisis, wants some new and different hot sex, wants some attention and validation that they still have IT, self entitled, selfish, broken inside, maybe their expectations of marriage were too high, too cowardly to deal with conflict..........etc., etc.

 

 

Thanks for clarifying Lady.......You are the best!!!!!!

 

Sometimes it takes me a couple of times to read another post TO GET IT!!!!

 

Understand????

[nofool4u]

Please reread my previous post...

 

"Neither reasons are valid, both are cheap excuses, but when you're the one who is sitting in this seat, the "fun" part of it seems a lot worse."

 

Read your post just fine.

 

You say in one breath that both are cheap excuses, but then go on to say that if the reason is "just for fun" that it "cheapens it somehow"

 

 

So maybe you should have said, "from my standpoint the affair being for fun is worse"

 

So if this is a true statement, fair enough.

 

IMO, it wouldn't matter what form an affair took. A cheating louse is a cheating louse.

[Angelina527]

Read your post just fine.

 

You say in one breath that both are cheap excuses, but then go on to say that if the reason is "just for fun" that it "cheapens it somehow"

 

 

So maybe you should have said, "from my standpoint the affair being for fun is worse"

 

So if this is a true statement, fair enough.

 

IMO, it wouldn't matter what form an affair took. A cheating louse is a cheating louse.

 

 

I DID say that.

 

And I agree.

[stillafool]

Maybe I'm wrong but more often than not it seems to be really young women who post about having affairs just for fun. Which is especially troubling as they don't see marriage as a stop sign and feel that someone being married is not a reason to back off.

 

I agree. Why aren't their mothers teaching them these things?

[nofool4u]

There is no reason that is valid.

 

And I "get off" because I've been on both sides

 

Because you have been on both sides doesn't give you a high ground to "get off" on judging others, but rather it should give you the humility to understand.

 

Its quite different when one is on the sh*t end of the stick, isn't it?

 

 

Neither reasons are valid, both are cheap excuses, but when you're the one who is sitting in this seat, the "fun" part of it seems a lot worse.

 

Has nothing to do with whether someone is having an affair for "fun", or not. Seems you want to get hung up on the reason someone is having an affair because you had yours in a different way.

[Angelina527]

Because you have been on both sides doesn't give you a high ground to "get off" on judging others, but rather it should give you the humility to understand.

 

Its quite different when one is on the sh*t end of the stick, isn't it?

 

 

 

 

Has nothing to do with whether someone is having an affair for "fun", or not. Seems you want to get hung up on the reason someone is having an affair because you had yours in a different way.

 

 

Why are you so nasty with me? Have you not read everything I've ever said? I am the FIRST person to say there's no excuse. I WAS WRONG. I hate what I did. I will never forgive myself for being that woman. I despise myself for it.

 

But, let me tell you this: I am more forgiving of the woman who was "in love" with my husband than I am of the one who screwed my life up just for fun. That's a fact. It doesn't have a damned thing to do with how I had my affair, it's about how these other women made me feel.

 

Now are you done attacking me?

[Stellar Wench]

Why are you so nasty with me? Have you not read everything I've ever said? I am the FIRST person to say there's no excuse. I WAS WRONG. I hate what I did. I will never forgive myself for being that woman. I despise myself for it.

 

But, let me tell you this: I am more forgiving of the woman who was "in love" with my husband than I am of the one who screwed my life up just for fun. That's a fact. It doesn't have a damned thing to do with how I had my affair, it's about how these other women made me feel.

 

Now are you done attacking me?

Being "in love" is no better excuse to have an affair than "having fun" is. Neither is forgivable.

 

It's better for you to make an excuse for the "in love" one so you can make an excuse for yourself.

[Angelina527]

Being "in love" is no better excuse to have an affair than "having fun" is. Neither is forgivable.

 

It's better for you to make an excuse for the "in love" one so you can make an excuse for yourself.

 

 

I make no excuses for what I did. I own what I did...and you're right; it truly WAS unforgivable.

 

And in MY situation, the woman who was having a little fun just for the hell of it was worse. In MY opinion, she didn't give a damned about my husband and just wanted the sex. She could have done it with anyone.

 

I will say it again...I am a despicable horrid woman for what I did and I will beat myself up for it until the day I die. I deserved what I got. I think about it every day and use that experience to make myself a better person. But you know what? I am in pain and I deserve to get it out here, too, without people bashing me. It's not as if I'm unapologetic.

 

If i could have a do over, I would, but I can't so I'm just going to try to help people on both sides.

[Angelina527]

I think a couple of posters are being a bit too hard on Angelina, but yet at the same time I understand both points.

 

I do think Angelina is one of the posters here who has shown remorse and owned her past and she should be applauded for that.

 

 

Thank you, LadyGrey.

[Angelina527]

But you do make excuses. Why was it worse? Any answer you give WILL be an excuse btw.

 

Oh for Heaven's sake...I'm not talking about MY affair...that was unforgivable.

 

I'm talking about how I feel about HIS affairs, you know, the ones that didn't include me? *I* feel as if one was worse than the other...that is MY personal feeling on the subject...that is how my heart interprets it.

 

For MINE? Just go ahead and slay me...you can't beat me up any worse than I beat myself up.

 

Can we just stick to the subject at hand? I've explained how bad I feel over and over and over again, but right now I'm talking about how I feel about the betrayals that I endured.

 

Is everyone done shredding me to pieces yet?

[Angelina527]

Yes, I know what you're talking about - I read all your posts. Your OW's affair with your husband was cheap, but somehow when you were the OW it wasn't cheapened.

 

Where did I EVER say mine wasn't cheap? Where did I EVER say it was ok?

 

I don't feel that way at all. It was awful.

[mercy]

I make no excuses for what I did. I own what I did...and you're right; it truly WAS unforgivable.

 

And in MY situation, the woman who was having a little fun just for the hell of it was worse. In MY opinion, she didn't give a damned about my husband and just wanted the sex. She could have done it with anyone.

 

I will say it again...I am a despicable horrid woman for what I did and I will beat myself up for it until the day I die. I deserved what I got. I think about it every day and use that experience to make myself a better person. But you know what? I am in pain and I deserve to get it out here, too, without people bashing me. It's not as if I'm unapologetic.

 

If i could have a do over, I would, but I can't so I'm just going to try to help people on both sides.

 

Please stop beating up on yourself. Did you read the link I posted for you? Did it help at all?

 

If we learn from our mistakes they are lessons, mistakes we never again repeat.

 

You deserve forgiveness, forgive yourself. Others words are opinions, opinions change, mine have and do sometimes daily. So don't put too much stock in an opinion.

 

Besides forgiveness you deserve joy. Find it, it lives within you. You are allowed to feel joy and be happy. What shouldn't be allowed is you forever punishing yourself.