A year later...

[sc58]

Hello all,

 

I haven't been on in quite some time now, over a year. I think the last I wrote, my MM had told me that he would be leaving his W in 3 months (that was in October 2010) but it hadn't happened. Well, a few months after that, it did. She moved out of their home in February last year (it is his parent's house) and they filed for divorce in April. In November, I moved in with him and things have been going fairly well.

 

The one problem is...they are still married. While the divorce process is moving, it is taking waaaaaay longer than I could have ever imagined. The fact that he is still married is stressing me out, but he doesn't seem to understand because to him, he is not. He keeps telling me that it's just a piece of paper, and he is with me now, but all the pain he has put me through to get to this point is still in the back of my mind. I worry that he will leave me to go back to her, which he easily can since they are still legally married.

 

Because they have a child together, they need to talk, but I get paranoid that every time he sees her, he will suddenly realize he made the wrong choice and want to get back together with her. He thinks I'm being foolish, but I can't help all of those thoughts. They are still cordial with each other, which I think might be the reason I get so worried...

 

Since I have moved in, we have replaced a lot of furniture, gotten rid of all her photos and belongings, etc. and it had gotten me mad that he didn't do all of these things prior to me moving in. Why had he kept all her stuff that she didn't take? Why did he still have her photos (not up, but in albums)? I know it was silly and childish of me to get mad at those things, but I felt like he kept them because he didn't want to throw them away. But when I asked, he immediately dumped them without a second thought. He said he hadn't thought about it before and he didn't really care either way, but if it made me happy, we could get rid of it all.

 

I think I have been testing him to see if he had any feelings left for her, thinking it would manifest in an emotional attachment to her belongings or things they once shared. But so far, nothing has phased him. While neither of us make a lot of money, even when I asked to purchase a new bedroom set that cost a couple thousand dollars, he didn't hesitate. Our bedroom is painted a different color, we have a new mattress, a new desk, new bedframe, nightstands, rugs, etc.

 

Yet, I still feel so insecure. He has given me everything I ask, yet I still feel like he could leave at any second...I want to be happy and I know all of my crazy thoughts and my lack of trust is what is keeping me from being happy, but I don't know what to do...I can't forget all of what has happened in the past the way he has, but I also know I have to move on if I want our relationship to work.

 

Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[whichwayisup]

You two shouldn't be living together he is officially divorced. You two went from 'affair' to this. No space, no time for him to get used to all the changes, grieve the loss of his marriage and family unit as one. I'm surprised neither of you wanted to just take things abit slower and 'date'..Get out of the affair dynamic completely.

 

You need to either choose to trust him and enjoy life with him or things will continue on this way. It's no way to live to have to 'test' him, 'set him up' and play games to see if he really does love you enough or if he'll run back to his wife and child.

 

Trust is going to be an issue because of how you two got together. You know what he's capable of and how he can lie to suit him best. Obviously you have no control over if he goes back to her or if he cheats on you with someone else.. All you can do is have faith and trust in him, so far he hasn't balked, nor given you reasons to mistrust him. The ball is in your court right now.

 

Maybe counselling is the way to go for the two of you? Or atleast for you right now? Think about it..

 

As for the stuff in the house, yes he should have packed up that stuff and given to his wife or put it in a box for their child to have one day. I hope that stuff wasn't thrown out in the garbage.

[MissBee]

Just trying to understand....you moved into their marital home?

 

I'm gonna be honest with you: I would never have done that. I'm not a huge fan of moving in with a boyfriend just in general but even so...I would definitely not move into my still-married boyfriend's marital home. That is very weird

 

I think our insecurities are an indicator of stuff we need to be aware of and/or work on. This unfortunately is the ghost and fall out of the situation....the fact that although you have what you wanted, it didn't come in a good way so it doesn't feel as good as you thought it would. It makes sense. There has never been a good foundation....so realistically moving into his marital home, changing the paint, furniture and so forth are only superficial things that cannot cover the real problem of feeling like things weren't done right and were perhaps rushed.

 

I do think you need to take a step back and really work on your relationship and perhaps seek counseling. In my mind all I see from your story is that everything was one big rush. The wife moves out...doesn't even seem like he left....you said he left....but it seems like SHE left....then you get moved in to their home some months later and it just all seems like a whirlwind that has left you insecure about his choice. It seems like you too realize it all is abrupt and therefore you're scared he will realize or think he made a mistake.

 

 

Relationships shouldn't be entered into lightly....and especially if one has another relationship, like a marriage with all its baggage etc...people should tread carefully when deciding to date a separated, divorced, just broken up person. Add an A to the mix...it's even dicier. But yea....at this point, I think you have to address your insecurities with him through some counseling. Perhaps a counselor can give you some tools to build trust, perhaps you need to take a step back and move out and allow for his marriage to dissolve completely and date him and take things in stride, building a foundation.

[whichwayisup]

Because they have a child together, they need to talk, but I get paranoid that every time he sees her

 

This IS something you have to accept and get used to, not freak out every single time they speak or see eachother. His (soon to be x wife) IS going to be in your lives forever because of their child. Some how you need to make peace with this and hopefully one day be civil/nice to his wife since you will be their childs step mom.

 

Because you are living with him now, does this mean that the child comes to the house? And you're part of their kids life? Or does he visit his son/daughter at his ex's place?

[sc58]

As for the stuff in the house, yes he should have packed up that stuff and given to his wife or put it in a box for their child to have one day. I hope that stuff wasn't thrown out in the garbage.

 

No, we packed it all up and gave it back to her. While I didn't want to have any of her stuff in the house, I also did not feel comfortable with tossing it in the event she comes looking for some of it later.

[TigerCub]

Hey Sc,

 

Well first, I'm glad that he did leave and that you two have a chance to really be together.

 

Now, all the other stuff you're saying about being worried that they'll get back together and not fully trusting him because of how things played out in the past - I can totally understand.

 

Those were the things that would cross my mind sometimes if I thought "what if xMM really did leave?". I can certainly see where you're coming from.

 

You do need to make your peace with certain things, like the past, and the fact that they have a child, but the question is HOW?

 

I hear that a lot of couples that start from an affair go to therapy and that somehow it helps them discuss things and be on the same page about triggers, concerns and what is to be expected from one another.

 

It sounds tough, but some people actually make it work.

 

So maybe counseling should be at least 1 of the options you and you partner consider.

 

Does he seem to be having any issues with regards to trusting you?

 

He seems willing to do things to make you happy and put your mind at ease - so that alone, is a good sign. But you can't live your life constantly doubting your partner and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

I hope you find your solution in therapy, if he is willing to do that.

 

Good luck and congrats

[sc58]

Just trying to understand....you moved into their marital home?

 

I'm gonna be honest with you: I would never have done that. I'm not a huge fan of moving in with a boyfriend just in general but even so...I would definitely not move into my still-married boyfriend's marital home. That is very weird

 

I think our insecurities are an indicator of stuff we need to be aware of and/or work on. This unfortunately is the ghost and fall out of the situation....the fact that although you have what you wanted, it didn't come in a good way so it doesn't feel as good as you thought it would. It makes sense. There has never been a good foundation....so realistically moving into his marital home, changing the paint, furniture and so forth are only superficial things that cannot cover the real problem of feeling like things weren't done right and were perhaps rushed.

 

I do think you need to take a step back and really work on your relationship and perhaps seek counseling. In my mind all I see from your story is that everything was one big rush. The wife moves out...doesn't even seem like he left....you said he left....but it seems like SHE left....then you get moved in to their home some months later and it just all seems like a whirlwind that has left you insecure about his choice. It seems like you too realize it all is abrupt and therefore you're scared he will realize or think he made a mistake.

 

Yes, I moved into their marital home, but it is actually his parent's house. So while it seems that "she" left, it was only because the house was not theirs, but his parent's.

 

Your other comments, though, are right on target. That is exactly how I am feeling. I know everything I am doing regarding changing the house is only superficial and doesn't change how I feel. No matter how different it looks or how much new furniture or decorations I buy to make it more "me", I know this is still the home they lived in together for the last 5 years and I am just an intruder...

 

I think I need to go to counselling, but I'm not sure if my MM would go for it. I would love to go with him together though.

[irin]

your post reminded me of a saying "you cant build your new life on someone's unhappiness" it will come back at you

[MissBee]

Yes, I moved into their marital home, but it is actually his parent's house. So while it seems that "she" left, it was only because the house was not theirs, but his parent's.

 

Your other comments, though, are right on target. That is exactly how I am feeling. I know everything I am doing regarding changing the house is only superficial and doesn't change how I feel. No matter how different it looks or how much new furniture or decorations I buy to make it more "me", I know this is still the home they lived in together for the last 5 years and I am just an intruder...

 

I think I need to go to counselling, but I'm not sure if my MM would go for it. I would love to go with him together though.

 

No one should feel like a second class citizen in their relationship! Period.

 

From what you're saying he takes your feelings lightly re his non-divorce, you don't feel like he'd go to counseling with you and you feel like an intruder in their home.

 

That's not good...SC...not at all. Your relationship should provide comfort, you should feel respected, listened to, taken seriously, supported, all that stuff. In this case you are not....you can see a counselor by yourself and discuss your feelings as an individual and get feedback, before trying to work on your relationship. I think you should evaluate the relationship from the ground up...I think taking a step back is also necessary to have a clear mind. Take some space!

 

Quite frankly, it must be energetically taxing to move into the marital home and then carry on like it is "yours"....it's not. Not everyone feels as I do, but for me, I don't fancy moving in with a man unless it truly is OUR place. We picked it out or bought it together. I do not really care to move into a man's house that he lived in with his wife and kids, where all their memories are stored or where he lived with a gf or had other women in his bed. If it is a fresh relationship and we're taking that next step...which is a huge commitment in my mind...then it needs to be truly fresh. Your situation...well especially since he was entangled with you while with his wife seems to be him lumping you on top of the existing situation and you're the one contorting and going along for the ride....but none of it is any solid, fresh, stable plan of your own or that you built together....you were just tacked on. It's not right....and you should feel weird about it.

 

It's hard to have a beginning without a proper end and it's hard to start fresh on old leaves. I do think you should get some feedback about your feelings from a counselor then go from there. I will also venture to say that I can understand how when you end up together, even if things aren't working out well you'd feel the need to stick it through to prove to everyone else that they were wrong etc....but at the end of the day, if after it all it's not a very good situation...it's just not and you don't have to prove anything by sticking with it. Hence, MPs need to leave their marriage because they want to...not for their AP...as what if it doesn't work out with the AP in a day to day R? Then what? But yea....you have lots to think about and I wish you clarity!

[norajane]

He keeps telling me that it's just a piece of paper, and he is with me now, but all the pain he has put me through to get to this point is still in the back of my mind. I worry that he will leave me to go back to her, which he easily can since they are still legally married.

 

Nothing will make a man go back to a woman he doesn't want to be with. And if he wanted to be with her, he would be, right now. You'd be seeing a LOT of signs if that were the case.

 

Having said that, you also need to pay attention to his comment about the "just a piece of paper". If you DO want marriage to this man, he may tell you the same - it's just a piece of paper. If you don't agree, you might not have a future to worry about. Best to understand his perspective now so you can decide if you can live with it.

[sc58]

They filed for divorce a year ago next month? Have you seen papers to prove (without a doubt) the divorce is moving forward because if they have no issues, then it seems like too long. If so, what documents and/or correspondence from his attorney have you see with your own eyes.

 

Yes, I have seen the divorce papers and correspondence from his and her attorney, so I have absolutely no doubt the divorce is proceeding. Her lawyer takes a month just to respond to a simple question. Then her lawyer had a death in the family and set back the mediation meeting for 6 months. It is not his fault, nor hers for that matter, that this is taking so long, but it is rather frustrating...

[alexandria35]

Why did he still have her photos (not up, but in albums)? I know it was silly and childish of me to get mad at those things, but I felt like he kept them because he didn't want to throw them away. But when I asked, he immediately dumped them

 

I find the above rather troubling. What do you mean he dumped her photos? Do you mean he threw them in the garbage? What about photos of her with their child? Did he dump those too? I don't understand why you asked him to get rid of them. I've never asked an SO do get rid of pictures of people from his past and I would never get rid of any of my photos just because someone else is being insecure about it. My ex had a album of his ex and their child, it never would have occured to me to be jealous or insecure about that. First of all getting rid of photos isn't going to erase his memories and secondly I think it's just way over the top controlling for you to insist on it. You are being a control freak. You don't just want to control your surroundings, you want to control him, his feelings, his thoughts, his memories. I would find that unattractive but maybe he likes controlling women?

[bentnotbroken]

Your issues aren't furnishings, photos, or any other material thing. It is with you and what the two of you did to her. You are uncomfortable with parents being cordial:eek:. In your heart, you know what went down and you are now fearful that you will be on the receiving end of that same treatment. Remember the mindset that you used to be the OW, is the same mindset you now have to deal with as the primary partner.

[MissBee]

Your issues aren't furnishings, photos, or any other material thing. It is with you and what the two of you did to her. You are uncomfortable with parents being cordial:eek:. In your heart, you know what went down and you are now fearful that you will be on the receiving end of that same treatment. Remember the mindset that you used to be the OW, is the same mindset you now have to deal with as the primary partner.

 

This is indeed true and what it boils down to!

[truthbetold]

I went back to your first post and I think that's the crux of this. He "pretended" in your words to work things out with her. In your words, you said why couldn't he either say he was done and walk away (which seems to be the truth) or give a real effort not a pretend why? Why indeed.

 

I think you know in your heart the deceit that he's capable of. He has all the signs of a conflict avoider and that's never good for a long term partner unless they learn how to deal with and express conflict in a healthy way.

 

If you're willing to stay with a man capable of that, you'll need to go to IC to figure out why and then maybe couples counseling. If he's not willing you have your answer to what kind of guy he is.

 

As someone pointed out, and this isn't to be harsh, you can't expectate all to be sushine and roses when you in essence stepped on and over someone to get what you wanted. I'm sorry but that's reality, and if you have a good conscience and it appears you do, that's always going to bother you, you won't be able to stuff it. You should read Angelina's story to get a grasp of what you're in for. For the reason that you are bothered by this, is exactly the reason it's not going to be easy and may very well never feel right for how the relationship started. Good luck now you see why you were warned to let it go and find someone with decent values.

[woinlove]

sc58, I'd recommend couples therapy for you two if you really want to try to make a go of a committed R together. MM has been dragged this out for a long time, doing strange (and deceitful) things like pretending to work on his M. Also he always seemed to lean on you to make sure you were "waiting" for him, when really he should leave the M because he doesn't want to be married to his W anymore, not because you are waiting. It seems like he has issues, is capable of treating his partner (and mother of his child) very poorly, and the dynamics of your R so far has been a lot of waiting and being part of a 3 person triangle.

 

Yes, you have reason not to trust him, but I also wonder if a bit of it isn't you wanting that third person there. One of your earlier posts had you asking what you saw in a much older man, with a child, who your family wouldn't accept. Maybe he is the one you will be really happy with or maybe you have daddy issues, maybe you find it easier to want him when you have to compete, maybe when it finally is just the two of you, you'll wonder if this is the right thing after all because of the focus on his W will be gone and it'll just be the two of you. And it won't all be a vacation on the beach, it'll also be dealing with his issues when he is acting selfish or whatever.

 

I hope things are and will be better than some of the picture I've painted, but to be sure they are as good as they can be, why not try some couples counselling?

[Barrsitter]

your post reminded me of a saying "you cant build your new life on someone's unhappiness" it will come back at you

 

This is brilliant and most thought-provoking. Thank you.

[sc58]

This IS something you have to accept and get used to, not freak out every single time they speak or see eachother. His (soon to be x wife) IS going to be in your lives forever because of their child. Some how you need to make peace with this and hopefully one day be civil/nice to his wife since you will be their childs step mom.

 

Because you are living with him now, does this mean that the child comes to the house? And you're part of their kids life? Or does he visit his son/daughter at his ex's place?

 

I understand that this is something I need to accept...And I think over time, I will. But for the time being, while it is still so new, when he leaves to go meet with her, even if it is only to discuss issues with their child, it reminds me of the times he had to leave me after our time together to go back home to her. If that makes sense?

 

And yes, the child comes to his house on his designated visitation (every other day). She is only 2 years old and adores me, and I her. I look forward to the times we get to spend with her and threw her a birthday party at the stables, which was a first for me...Much more difficult than I thought trying to take care of all the little kids running around PLUS the adults!!

 

He also has an 18 year old son from a previous relationship who lives with us, and we get along very well. We have dinner once a week (as he works nights) and because I obviously cannot be a "mother" figure because of our age difference, I just try to be his friend. In fact, we are friends with his friends! They often join us for dinner and are at our house almost every day now! It's nice to know he and his friends feel comfortable in our home as my MM had stated he never used to bring his friends over before.

[sc58]

Quite frankly, it must be energetically taxing to move into the marital home and then carry on like it is "yours"....it's not. Not everyone feels as I do, but for me, I don't fancy moving in with a man unless it truly is OUR place. We picked it out or bought it together. I do not really care to move into a man's house that he lived in with his wife and kids, where all their memories are stored or where he lived with a gf or had other women in his bed. If it is a fresh relationship and we're taking that next step...which is a huge commitment in my mind...then it needs to be truly fresh. Your situation...well especially since he was entangled with you while with his wife seems to be him lumping you on top of the existing situation and you're the one contorting and going along for the ride....but none of it is any solid, fresh, stable plan of your own or that you built together....you were just tacked on. It's not right....and you should feel weird about it.

 

It's hard to have a beginning without a proper end and it's hard to start fresh on old leaves. I do think you should get some feedback about your feelings from a counselor then go from there. I will also venture to say that I can understand how when you end up together, even if things aren't working out well you'd feel the need to stick it through to prove to everyone else that they were wrong etc....but at the end of the day, if after it all it's not a very good situation...it's just not and you don't have to prove anything by sticking with it. Hence, MPs need to leave their marriage because they want to...not for their AP...as what if it doesn't work out with the AP in a day to day R? Then what? But yea....you have lots to think about and I wish you clarity!

 

You are right, it is very taxing on my emotionally to have moved in to their home and tried to make like it is now "ours." However, I never expected him to move as this is the house he grew up in. I know he has a strong attachment to the house, not just because of their memories, but also all of his childhood memories. I wouldn't expect him to just up and move from a home he is so fond of just because he once shared it with his ex-wife, and in fact, his ex-girlfriend before that.

 

No one knows about the affair except for a few close friends, who actually really like him, which I was a bit surprised by. I was nervous about telling my two best friends (who are very good, down to earth people), but when I did, they were very supportive, and after meeting him, liked him a lot and said we make a good pair...Obviously they were not supportive of the affair itself, though.

 

His parents had actually suspected he was having an affair (he works with them in a family business), so I was worried about meeting them too, but now, they love me and I couldn't be more relieved. So I don't feel like I have to make this work to prove everyone else wrong, but more to prove it to myself that I made the right choice.

[scatterd]

Im wondering why he threw the pictures away His child would have wanted them. I understand how you would feel insecure there you have already seen how he is.

Enjoy your time together worry wont change anything.

Now is when you find out what your relationship is like

under normal circumstances. It will be hard because he is also going to go through the pains of divorce and wont see his child on a daily bases.I hope you find he is true to you and time tells all.Stay true to your self and try to trust him that is hard I know but living wondering everyday is harder.

[BrighterWashing]

Am I the only on who foresees running off with the adult son in a few years? There are enough red flags here for a book.

[sc58]

Am I the only on who foresees running off with the adult son in a few years? There are enough red flags here for a book.

 

HA. Wow this actually made me laugh. That would never in a million years happen. The son has only just turned 18...That's pretty disgusting.

[bentnotbroken]

HA. Wow this actually made me laugh. That would never in a million years happen. The son has only just turned 18...That's pretty disgusting.

 

 

Compared to?

[NoIDidn't]

I still have my wedding album from my first marriage. Why would I throw it away? It is a part of my past. Throwing it away won't change that. If you are so insecure over photos or a photo album, then the relationship is not healthy and won't be healthy until you realize that pictures do not equal love. You do t trust him, and rightfully so. She moved out, not him (no matter whose house it is, she is the one who made the decision and in your shoes, I would be unhappy that he is not showing that the marriage is over for him. You are just the replacement model for his wife, the woman he doesn't seem interested in divorcing.

 

I would move out. He is not ready to be with you. He may never be. Can you live with knowing you are his option, his second choice? Yes, they will always have a link - their children. You better understand that and support it, or he will resent you and possibly get tired of the jealousy and insecurity. You will push him away if you can't accept that they will always be patents to their kids.

 

I think the OP is feeling the "wife replacement" vibe too.

 

I can't understand why anyone would want that label. It just created a vacancy.

[BrighterWashing]

Compared to?

 

Exactly.

 

I think SC is realizing that replacing someone rather than competing with her is no fun. She caused the end of his marriage (as did he- no question he is equally responsible) and now finds out why people say becoming the wife very rarely works.

 

Of course there are trust issues, you know what he's capable of and never had an honest relationship with him. You bonded only with a liar and cheat, you wanted him to cheat on her so you can't complain if he cheats on you next. You also have a record here if being the OW so why would he trust you?!

 

I'd take it amiss that he throws stuff put and buys furniture when asked without question. What he should do is sit down and talk about why you want it and shy he wasn't motivated independently. He must see it differently but doesn't want to throw over one woman only to lose the lined up replacement so he goes along.

 

Going along without buying in is a bad sign you're just a trophy and he might want more trophies.

 

You should live separately and stay out of small child's life until you work it out.