do dumpers always come to resent the dumpee?

[M2155]

OP, remember you are no longer together so what is really the purpose for him to be in contact with you? Yes, it is mature and respectful to break up with you in a decent way and say good things about you. I'm sure he felt those things because there was no obligation to say them and he stayed with you as long as he did for a reason (my ex didn't even break up with me, I got some half@ss text and he vanished). If he told you where things stood during the breakup, what is the need for him to further validate his feelings for you?

 

Resentment implies someone held them back from doing something they really wanted to do. If he resented an ex girlfriend, at the end of the day it's his fault for not making moves. You are more likely to resent each other by NOT breaking up before things got too bad. Your breakup did not come out of nowhere for him, maybe you didn't see the issues or know his feelings, but he did and had to do something.

 

Maybe he hasn't contacted you because he is trying to move on just as you are. Just because you broke up doesn't mean you were not a special person in his life that he must also adjust to not having around anymore. Maybe talking to you is awkward or may make him sad. Just because he didn't see forever with you, doesn't mean he didn't hurt or know that he was causing you pain. Most people don't enjoy inflicting pain. I'm sure his emotions at the time caused him to reflect on negative memories but I bet your ex remembers good things even about the nut jobs.

 

You just need to remember you we special and will probably always have a piece of each other's heart. He won't forget, and he will talk to you when the time is right, but maybe it's just too soon. For now you should focus on you. You a looking to him to "feel appreciated as a human being":eek: That is something you must feel on your own. Go out and volunteer or do something nice for someone in your family to feel appreciation. You do not need to seek that from an ex. If you do, you will just keep going back for more and end up in an emotional place you wish you would have avoided by staying NC. Then you will have resentment you brought on yourself because you can't let go.

Edited March 12, 2012 by M2155

[rootless]

I think that I am at this place/always have been with my ex. He taught me alot, even in breaking up with me, and I am very thankful to him and would do it all again if I had the chance. However, that is precisely why I am upset that we haven't spoken - it makes me feel as though maybe he thinks the whole thing was a mistake.

 

I understand that in order to fully move on I have to stop worrying about what he thinks. It is just so confusing when his breakup was so kind and encouraging but then I don't hear a word from him. I guess I need to take a leap of faith and believe that's not an act of hostility... if you think so well of your ex, why do you no longer want to speak with her?

 

I have one particular ex girlfriend that I think the world of.

She's easily one of the sweetest, most generous, loving people I've ever met. My opinion of her couldn't be any higher. She's an awesome human being, she's beautiful, smart, funny, etc. I have nothing but nice things to say about her.

 

And I totally avoid her.

 

For a couple reasons:

 

1.) She's expressed in the past that she'd like to get back together.

And I don't.

Knowing that, it would be tremendously selfish of me to engage with her, when I'm perfectly content being her friend, and she wants something more.

As much as I miss her, I would feel like a four-star jerk if I kept her suspended in a state of semi-rejection.

 

2.) Although I realized that we're poorly suited for a long-term relationship, I still find that woman unbelievably attractive, physically.

She's ridiculously hot.

And when you couple that with the fact that she's not entirely over me, the temptation to fall back into bed with her goes through the roof.

Which leads back to reason #1.

She wants something I don't. And I'd be a complete d-bag if I took advantage of that.

 

3.) As great as I think she is, I feel uncomfortable around her. Anytime we've tried to hang out as friends, eventually, she says things like "I could have easily seen myself getting married to you" and it makes me squirm.

Not because the thought is horrific-- because the thought is false.

It's not going to happen.

And I I feel like if I spend time with her, I'm feeding into a hope that's going to go unfulfilled.

And that's the last thing I want to put her through.

 

I broke her heart once-- and I absolutely hated doing it.

I don't want to do it again.

 

That woman is nothing short of fantastic.

 

But at the end of the day, we have some HUGE incompatibility issues, and they're insurmountable.

 

But I think I'm the only one who holds that opinion.

 

I think she's convinced that we could work it out.

 

And until we agree on that point, one way or the other, I feel obligated to leave her alone.

 

I've chosen to move on with my life, and I think I owe her the same courtesy.

 

I want her to be happy -- and my involvement in her life inhibits that.

So, I stay away.

 

It's not that I don't *want* to speak to her -- I just know that for now, it's a really bad idea.

Someone's gonna get hurt.

Edited March 13, 2012 by rootless

[M2155]

Also if the relationship meant something to you, that's really what matters. He would not have been in it if he didn't want to be. Now you are feeling insecure about a relationship that is over. If you dumped someone, would you want the pressure or feel the responsibility to reassure that person that you used to care about him?

 

I have a few exBFs that I'm friends with today, but There was a lot of time before we were back in contact. I think they are good guys and I do not resent them at all for their feelings at the time-we appreciate the experience for what it was, when it was. It will come in time...when you don't "need" it anymore.

[windmask]

Hey

 

ur thinking isnt very wrong your right in a way to think that slowly he will start finding ways to resent you. and i think am in the same boat as you wondering just like how my ex always said nice things to me yet after the break up which they wanted just plain hate us.

 

for example my ex gf use to say how i was like her diamond in the rough and that i cared for her more then anything and she could see it. also that how when she felt said she could see tears in my eyes and see how much i cared for her.

 

all of this didnt matter in the end in the end she said oh ur not educated enough and since ur in school and not working u dont have money and also i dont love you so am ending it.

 

i was like this is unreal i wasnt in it for money i just love you which she argued i didnt. after that each day i was reminded by her how much she hated me and how she regretted ever being with me and how i was a terrible person etc. in the end i said alright well i guess am a terrible person but even i know when ive been humiliated enough.

 

as growing up i never had anyone to love me so i was glad i found someone but she treated me like everyone else did in the world in the end anyway. i always told myself never to give up on people you love but after she humiliated me so much i had no choice really. she has decided to ignore me i emailed her a year letter she ignored it. i said well good luck in life.....honestly theres not much you can do if they decide to be this really.

[LSgirl]

Rootless,

 

This sounds like something my ex may have closely written, can you tell me what you incompatibilities are? I know that he cared about me, and he knew he was hurting me because he saw no future with us. He said I was a great girl and I deserved better and was beautiful. I never commented on us getting marrid or of that matter, but we did date for over a year and he never told me he loved me. I wonder what your reasons for not wanting to stay with her??

[rootless]

Rootless,

 

This sounds like something my ex may have closely written, can you tell me what you incompatibilities are? I know that he cared about me, and he knew he was hurting me because he saw no future with us. He said I was a great girl and I deserved better and was beautiful. I never commented on us getting marrid or of that matter, but we did date for over a year and he never told me he loved me. I wonder what your reasons for not wanting to stay with her??

 

I did love her.

Still do.

 

She's just not the "right" one for me.

 

We have a ten year age-gap, so that introduced some challenges right off the bat.

 

We also had totally divergent intellectual pursuits.

 

Long story short-- we were friends, we were a couple, but we weren't peers.

 

There were too many areas in which we weren't equals.

 

She was just starting her career -- I was readying myself to leave a director position I'd held for six years to start my own business.

 

I could relate to her concerns about work, because I'd been there, but she couldn't relate to mine, because she hadn't worked long enough to get all pissy and jaded yet.

 

I'm an extremely creative, cerebral guy.

She's extremely experiential.

 

I find most of my entertainment making things, or thinking about things.

80% of my life takes place inside my own head.

 

She's incredibly passionate about things like fashion, and absorbing culture and witnessing events.

 

She's awesome at just "being". She's got an amazing talent for being able to enjoy the moment.

 

And absolutely I suck at it -- I need to be making, or doing something, or I go completely bonkers.

 

Both approaches are totally valid and interesting, but there's not much overlap.

 

My relentlessly ambitious creative obsessions were totally alien to her, and her ability to simply relax and let herself take things in was equally baffling to me.

 

I think we both really admire each other *because* we're so different, but it also isolated us from one another.

 

And those differences extended into most areas of our lives.

 

Different priorities, interests, fears, fascinations.

 

And in some cases, those discrepancies can make for a totally complimentary, ying/yang dynamic, but in our case, it often made me feel like I was alone. Even though we were sitting just inches apart.

 

I love her to pieces, and I miss her like crazy sometimes, but we're just not right for each other, long-term.

 

And that's what I want.

Marriage, kids, the whole shebang.

 

She was a FABULOUS girlfriend, and a entirely wonderful human being.

I just don't think we'd make good life partners.

Edited March 13, 2012 by rootless

[LSgirl]

Rootless,

 

Thanks for taking the time to answer my question! It was interesting to see your reasons of your incompatibilities and glad that you were able to let her go. Mine kept seeing me even though he knew he didn't see a future with me so I had to end it. I guess he didn't want to be alone and was still hurting from his ex-fiancee. Nonetheless, I appreciate your honesty in your explanations