Husband won't put me on title for new home

[PinkInTheLimo]

I agree with the other posters that he does not have 100% faith in the marriage. If he did he would consider anything you receive as "our money" (inheritance or otherwise) and not just "his money." Sounds like he does not have a ligit reason for not having a combined bank account. I would sit him down and flat out ask him what is going on and why he is not willing to put all his faith in your marriage. That is the real issue.

 

NO NO NO, all this talk about "his money" which should automatically become "our money" is a load of crap!!! Which usually comes from the mouth of people who never had to work hard to own something, like women who hardly ever worked for money in their life and live off the funds of their husband.

 

Wait until you own something which you acquired by working hard for it every day. I wonder if you will then be so eager to make "your money" "our money". I know I am not! I might marry the nicest, most trustworthy person ever but "my money" will never become "his money".

My motto is: I don't mind taking the risk that someone breaks my heart, but not that someone breaks my bank account!"

[maybealone]

I had a friend in this position when her mom died, and her attorney advised her to not put her husband on the deed. Once that money is mingled there is no getting it back.

 

I don't think that necessarily reflects on the marriage. My husband had a home when we got married, and I never even considered asking to be put on the deed. He did have a will that would have left it to me.

 

But between this and the lack of wanting joint accounts (which I was like... I think I was married five years before I would do it) is a difference in how you both view finances and it would be good to talk about it and try to understand where each of you is coming from so this doesn't fester and cause resentment down the road.

[zengirl]

OP did and will work for her money, however. Sure, the inheritance is "his" but it seems odd to me that so many posters are lambasting her for feeling the way she feels. I think xxoo's suggestion about buying a communal home when she's working again is good, as is having a discussion so she understands how her husband feels about this and the finances in general. It seems as though they have some misunderstandings on this issue and perhaps differing styles.

 

I would feel AWFUL if hubby was so intent on keeping things separate and drawing "mine" and "yours" lines, personally. Not because I give two figs about money or property -- because I couldn't care less -- but because it would make me feel excluded. And we have a prenup, which I suggested, that protects his assets for the first decade of our marriage (with 10 years or kids, which we don't plan to have, it dissolves). . . but, it's different than what the OP is stating where she was generous and free with her support and money for 2 years and then her husband gives her just barely enough and allows her to pay for things around the house with loans. It just seems like a dynamic where he is loving and free with everything but money and seems very caught up in "his money" whereas the OP seems like someone who's never really thought of things that way (even when all the money they had was "hers"). Those are two different mindsets, and it warrants a discussion.

 

My parents inherited quite a lot when my Stepfather's mother died, and there was never any "Well, it's not community property" discussion. They used the money together because they were a family. I just thought that was the norm, personally. I'm not saying all people have to do it that way, but if you come from a mindset and home where that IS the norm, it's going to cause some natural dissonance, no matter how much you care about money. It doesn't sound like OP cares about the money---she's just feeling the dissonance of this situation.

[soserious1]

Zengirl,

 

You give well thought out advice & I respect your thought process but after having gone through a divorce in which I was literally wiped out fiscally, I am totally against the idea of putting a spouse on the deed to a house that they have put zero dollars into purchasing.

 

My ex walked away with half of my retirement, half of every single bank, money market acct, half of every CD, he took the lion's share of our electronics & furnishings, he gets $2,750 per month plus add on's in alimony for the rest of his life. Hell, I've been court ordered to buy life insurance that names him as beneficiary should I die before he does!

 

All I walked away with was my home & his credit card debts, if he'd have been on the deed, I'd now be living in some run down studio apt

somewhere.

[zengirl]

Zengirl,

 

You give well thought out advice & I respect your thought process but after having gone through a divorce in which I was literally wiped out fiscally, I am totally against the idea of putting a spouse on the deed to a house that they have put zero dollars into purchasing.

 

My ex walked away with half of my retirement, half of every single bank, money market acct, half of every CD, he took the lion's share of our electronics & furnishings, he gets $2,750 per month plus add on's in alimony for the rest of his life. Hell, I've been court ordered to buy life insurance that names him as beneficiary should I die before he does!

 

All I walked away with was my home & his credit card debts, if he'd have been on the deed, I'd now be living in some run down studio apt

somewhere.

 

FWIW, I'm not even necessarily suggesting he must put her on the deed right away. (I can say I would never live in a house with my husband which he owned and I did not---if he would not let me "buy in," I would literally move out/not move in. I understand the OP cannot buy in to the property at present, but she sounds like she'll be in a good financial situation soon, after law school.) I'm suggesting it's reasonable she - a woman who gladly supported him at a different time without even considering the risk of it - feels the way she feels.

 

I also don't think there's much use in approaching marriage with an eye towards divorce, but that's just my philosophy. I'm sorry that you've been through a rough divorce. That really is a shame. But that doesn't mean everyone wants to live their lives or engage in their relationships as though there will be a rough divorce.

 

What I'm saying is there is A LOT of middle ground here and a lot of room for the OP to discuss these feelings with her husband and come up with various options they may feel comfortable with for the future. There is a huge chasm of possibilities between, "I totally financially support my partner without question," and "I freak out at any mention of sharing finances with my partner." Most people lie somewhere in the middle.

Edited March 13, 2012 by zengirl

[carhill]

OP, another way to look at it is you will be cohabiting in a home you helped select and your H will be completely responsible for maintaining it as the family domicile in order to retain separate property status. As someone who dealt with a bunch of this stuff in his D, I'll opine that's a pretty good situation to be in, allowing you to complete your education without the additional burdens of contributing to the household financially and having a larger portion of your future income available to spend/save/invest as you see fit.

 

I'll be curious to see if you get a quit-claim deed to sign at the closing. As it's a cash deal, you might not, but if his estate-planning attorney is involved, you might.

 

As an anecdote, my exW was adamant about keeping her maiden name and separate checking/savings accounts in lieu of joint accounts but later complained about my historical (15 years prior to her existence as a marital partner) home not being titled in her name. After buying her a house in the divorce, I note that she's not in any rush to put her live-in BF's name on their deed, even though he substantially contributes to the household and has improved the home through his own labor.

 

Such anecdotes teach me things. Good luck.

[soserious1]

 

I also don't think there's much use in approaching marriage with an eye towards divorce, but that's just my philosophy. I'm sorry that you've been through a rough divorce. That really is a shame. But that doesn't mean everyone wants to live their lives or engage in their relationships as though there will be a rough divorce.

 

So then are you saying that if i marry again I should put my new spouse on the deed to my home to prove that I'm not living my life anticipating a rough divorce?

 

Do you think if I'd proved my love by placing my ex on the deed that we'd still be together??

[denise_xo]

With divorce rates being what they are, I think it's generally sensible to take some precautions. Exactly what that means and what people feel comfortable with will vary. But no one plans on getting divorced when they marry, and everyone thinks that if it all goes pear shaped, they are adult enough to work it out amicably. Reality shows that this often isn't the case.

[zengirl]

So then are you saying that if i marry again I should put my new spouse on the deed to my home to prove that I'm not living my life anticipating a rough divorce?

 

Do you think if I'd proved my love by placing my ex on the deed that we'd still be together??

 

Did I suggest anyone "prove" their love by placing a spouse on the deed? No, I suggested they talk about such issues and understand that different people have different emotional and financial mindsets, histories, and thoughts. I suggested the OP's feelings were entirely natural and that they were not necessarily a sign of materialism in any way and that a discussion was warranted.

 

Your post to me was ALL about your divorce. Your reactions are impacted by your own experiences of that divorce (naturally so). My point was that I do not wish to go through such a divorce, no, but even more so, I do not wish to live as though I have. When you worry about something to the degree that someone would need to to 'feel' what you feel in your post, your brain lives it almost as truly as it were real. Your brain does not distinguish between imagined worry and real experiences.

 

I do believe in taking precautions, but not sharing a home and having no option to do so through the whole marriage (to me) would be extreme. That is not the same as saying, "He should put her on the deed ASAP!" It is reasonable, however, to think the OP's feelings are valid, that it warrants a conversation and some potential plans they can both feel comfortable with, and that it should be done more with thoughts of the marriage at present than its potential end. YMMV, of course. That is just how I live my life.

[frozensprouts]

in our situation, everything is joint because I stay at home while my husband works. We are saving for our first house ( going to take a while) but i handle the finances and one thing my husband has asked me to do is make sure to try and put some aside each month for that purpose.

 

Both our names are also on our vehicle and any bank accounts, our children disability saving's accounts and RESPs credit cards, etc. i also have power of attorney which legally authorizes me to handle things when he's away.

 

Part of this is because he's away so much, often out of the country, and when he is I have no way to reach him should there be a "minor emergency" with our taxes, bank accounts, etc.. The same will be true when we get a house.

 

should I ever inherit, I will consider it "ours" ( and as my parents are well off, I most likely will inherit a fairly large amount some day, as much as i hate to think about it:()...after all, when I am at home and he's told me he sees his money as "ours" and not "his"...

 

This is what works for us, and we talk about it a lot to make sure we are both okay with things being the way they are, and make changes accordingly. I sit down with him and show him how all the bills are getting paid and we make a budget together.

 

( and before anyone lambastes me for "not earning anything" or" being a stay at home parent", two of our kids are disabled and require a lot of care, so i do that for them. Everything from speech therapy to physical therapy . I get up with my daughter in the night when she has a bad night and sit with her until she goes back to sleep. I carry her to the bathroom when she's too sore to walk ( no easy feat as she is bigger than me:laugh:), stay with them when they are hospitalized, etc.). It is not what we planned when we were married (I have more educaion than my husband and we had planned on me being the larger wage earner)but sometimes things don't go as expected, and you have to "roll with it"

 

He paints as a hobby, and I have recently set up a website to sell them, and have sold a few. It's not much, but it helps a bit.

 

my point in all this is that there is no one sized fits all approach to this...you and your husband will have to find a path that works for both of you...they key is talking about it so hat you each know where the other person is comming from and then go from there

[Lauriebell82]

NO NO NO, all this talk about "his money" which should automatically become "our money" is a load of crap!!! Which usually comes from the mouth of people who never had to work hard to own something, like women who hardly ever worked for money in their life and live off the funds of their husband.

 

Wait until you own something which you acquired by working hard for it every day. I wonder if you will then be so eager to make "your money" "our money". I know I am not! I might marry the nicest, most trustworthy person ever but "my money" will never become "his money".

My motto is: I don't mind taking the risk that someone breaks my heart, but not that someone breaks my bank account!"

 

Why do you always feel the need to attack me? I don't get it.

 

I was just stating my opinion, I don't care if your's is different. And if all that crap was directed at me then you are terribly wrong dear, because I work my butt off for my money and fully share it with my husband no questions asked! I have no school loan debt and he does and I am perfectly fine with helping him pay his loans because both our paychecks go into our bank account.

 

I guess I'm traditional and don't like the idea of seperate finances, not having your name on the title deed, ect. OP said she contributes to some of the bills with her student loans. If they have ALWAYS had seperate finances though, this shouldn't surprise her and she will most likely need to accept the fact that this is her husband's feelings on finances. Would I ever marry anyone that wanted seperate accounts? Hell no. But that's me.

[soserious1]

Why do you always feel the need to attack me? I don't get it.

 

I was just stating my opinion, I don't care if your's is different. And if all that crap was directed at me then you are terribly wrong dear, because I work my butt off for my money and fully share it with my husband no questions asked! I have no school loan debt and he does and I am perfectly fine with helping him pay his loans because both our paychecks go into our bank account.

 

I guess I'm traditional and don't like the idea of seperate finances, not having your name on the title deed, ect. OP said she contributes to some of the bills with her student loans. If they have ALWAYS had seperate finances though, this shouldn't surprise her and she will most likely need to accept the fact that this is her husband's feelings on finances. Would I ever marry anyone that wanted seperate accounts? Hell no. But that's me.

 

You certainly have the right to your opinions..

 

As for me I can't ever imagine marrying anyone who insisted on shared accounts ever again.. my lawyer informs me that I simply cannot afford to support another ex-husband if I ever hope to retire.

[Lauriebell82]

You certainly have the right to your opinions..

 

As for me I can't ever imagine marrying anyone who insisted on shared accounts ever again.. my lawyer informs me that I simply cannot afford to support another ex-husband if I ever hope to retire.

 

I think a lot of divorced individuals feel this way after being in similar circumstances. Again, this is my opinion, but marrying someone means putting your faith in them and trusting them financially and otherwise. I guess not everyone views marriage as that though, especially with all the bitter divorces and losing money.

 

I would just say for myself that I don't know if that would neccessarily shake my faith in having ANOTHER joint bank account/assests with a partner if I did remarry, as divorce generally means suffering a financial loss. If you don't want to be married to someone anyone, most likely there will be consequences for that decision.

 

I of course am not in your shoes, therefore do not know how you feel. If you feel that it is best not to get yourself into another situation like that, then do what is best for you.

 

I think a big part of this thread is just based on individual opinions and different experiences in regards to marital finances. OP should keep that in mind when making a decision.

[Lauriebell82]

It's all what people's expectations are. I would never marry anyone who insisted on having everything be in joint ownership. It has nothing at all to do with fear of divorce, I was just raised to be financially independent.

 

Yeah, I agree. The thing that worries me about OP is that she doesn't seem to be 100% on board with this totally seperate finance/joint ownership thing, even though it has been like this from the start of their marriage. I think if a couple is going to have seperate finances they BOTH have to agree that it is the right thing for BOTH of them in order for it to work.

[Lauriebell82]

I'm a very recent homeowner so I'm unsure if this is possible..I'm assuming it is though.

 

Can you at a later date go back and put someone's name on a title deed to house?

A compromise for OP and her husband could be that when she finishes school and begins to generate income and contribute to the finances, her husband could put her name on the deed.

[g450]

I also own my home outright. And I will be getting married in a few months.

 

I have already told her that we will keep separate accounts. She was OK with that.

 

Because I already know for a fact that when it comes to finances she is incredibly immature. Hell she doesnt even have a checking account. She gets money in her pocket it is gone faster than you can count it. I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her but there is no way I am letting her have a say in my finances. She is 40 and really has nothing to show for it except the food stamps she gets from the state for her two children. And that will end once we get married. I do expect her to get a job to pay for her and her kids portion of everyday bills.

 

I do not blame the OPs husband. He is doing the right thing for himself. Just because you love somebody, that is no reason to jump off a bridge for them. That is especially true in second marriages like mine. You never know what my happen in the future.

 

It has nothing to do with trust. I trust she would spend her way into dept if I ever died and she collected the insurance from it. But that will be on her.

Does not mean however that I will not protect myself while I am still alive.

[The Blue Knight]

In a lot of states money that a spouse inherits does NOT become property of the marriage unless the spouse co-mingles it in accounts shared by both spouses. Your husband has every right to enjoy his inheritance & to keep the asset separate.

Yes, depending on where you live, this could be a community property situation if the marriage didn't last, meaning everything is just about half and half.

 

I personally wouldn't do what your husband did because it's not me. I believe you share what you have with your wife. But in this high divorce rate society I can say that I at least understand what is going through his head.

[FitChick]

She is 40 and really has nothing to show for it except the food stamps she gets from the state for her two children. And that will end once we get married. I do expect her to get a job to pay for her and her kids portion of everyday bills.

And if she doesn't?

[FitChick]

A compromise for OP and her husband could be that when she finishes school and begins to generate income and contribute to the finances, her husband could put her name on the deed.

Also, the OP should make sure that he leaves the house to her in his will. I don't see how he could object to that. If he does, I would question the whole marriage.

 

If he balks at doing either of the above, I'd refuse to pay anything to fix up the house or take care of it beyond housework saying, "It's your house. Do what you like."

 

I'd also make sure to say I only want "real" jewelry for any sort of gift because when you divorce, at least you could sell it and he couldn't touch it.

Edited March 14, 2012 by FitChick

[johan]

Soserious depresses me. I get the impression the OP should feel lucky she even is allowed to enter through the dog door. As long, of course, as she pays for the dog door. She might as well go get her own place and find a marriage, instead of an L company.

 

If I didn't want half of my inheritance going to my wife in case of divorce, then I wouln't put it into a house that is supposedly "ours" to live in and share together, in which we are going to make our home. It sounds pretty stingy and selfish to me. May as well just rip up the marriage license and replace it with a rental agreement. Ask her for a security deposit.

 

And I don't really need any condescending lectures about the state of modern marriage. If all it is is a business agreement, then I'm not only more strongly in favor of not only gay marriage, but also polygamy, and what the hell let's just call everyone living in an apartment building marred to each other.

 

Frugal people are not to be trusted. Dollars mean more to them than people do.

[Diamonds&Rust]

The sentiment that he's not fully invested in the marriage because of a refusal to merge finances is equally true of the lady who protests. The only reason to discuss whose name is on the deed to begin with is the discussion of a marriage's end, otherwise it continues to function as community property with the happy family inside.

 

Regardless of whether concern for a future divorce settlement is conscious, it's an undeniable aim of ensuring the finances are mixed. Her vulnerability is inherent in the inability to claim financial equality, which treats herself equally as a single unit as he does by pointing out that his house belongs to him.

 

As for him controlling certain aspects of the finances in general, that's a common role stratification in even the most traditional of marriages.

[zengirl]

I understand how soserious feels in general, with her circumstances. I do not think I'd feel the same, but I can't know and will never know. My husband and I both make a good living, and neither of us would be ordered to pay alimony in the event of a divorce, nor would either of us seek it IMO. As a poster upthread said, divorce always means some financial loss, and I think that'd be true for both of us.

 

I can say that both my mother and step-father went through bloody divorces (neither owed nor collected alimony; my mother did receive child support as she got full custody of me -- my father neither wanted nor would have been appropriate for joint custody) and still joined finances later. They did it over a period of time, however. I believe 5 years. They still maintain small separate accounts, diverting 10% of their income after taxes to it each paycheck, but that's mainly what they use to buy gifts for each other or other 'fun stuff' for themselves without discussion.

 

Hubby and I have not fully merged all of our funds, as we're very recently married. We do plan to someday, and we do have a joint account for much of our funds. If he had a home when we married (as my stepfather did when my mother married him), I would certainly be willing to wait a few years to be added to the title (as my mother did), but if he purchased something now that he did not want me on the title for, I would certainly feel slighted. I definitely do not believe I could live there.

 

I'm a very recent homeowner so I'm unsure if this is possible..I'm assuming it is though.

 

Can you at a later date go back and put someone's name on a title deed to house?

A compromise for OP and her husband could be that when she finishes school and begins to generate income and contribute to the finances, her husband could put her name on the deed.

 

Yes, you can. And I do understand that it might be understandable for him to not put her on the title if he's supporting her (debatable since she supported him as well), but this seems like a potential compromise to me as well. All up to the OP and her husband, of course, but she deserves a discussion and consideration of her feelings on the matter (so does he).

 

If he balks at doing either of the above, I'd refuse to pay anything to fix up the house or take care of it beyond housework saying, "It's your house. Do what you like."

 

This is kind of how I'd feel. If hubby went out and bought a house deliberately without my name on it, I would refuse to pay anything towards it (mortgage, upkeep, etc) and would feel very resentful about helping out in any way. I would feel absolutely trapped in that house.

 

If I didn't want half of my inheritance going to my wife in case of divorce, then I wouln't put it into a house that is supposedly "ours" to live in and share together, in which we are going to make our home. It sounds pretty stingy and selfish to me. May as well just rip up the marriage license and replace it with a rental agreement. Ask her for a security deposit.

 

This is how I feel. He could've chosen to invest the money another way if it was really just about keeping the money.

[beenburned]

I am a retired accountant.(took early retirement due to company being bought out)

 

My H and I have always had a very traditional marriage, that included joint checking, savings, cd's. Both of our paychecks were always deposited and shared. If we had to make large purchases, they were always discussed and decided on by both of us.

 

I agree that couples have to act as a team toward reaching their financial goals.(home, retirement, kids college accts., etc.)

 

Where I disagree is the subject of inheritances.(whether present or future)

This is money or property that has been handed down(sometimes for generations) by family members that worked their entire lives to build up.

You should not put it in jeopardy of losing it due to a divorce. You should have a valid will, leaving it to the spouse, or children, if spouse is deceased.

 

I also have seen very sad cases where the spouses were never on the same page financially, and it affected their whole future.

[musemaj11]

Isnt curious that its always a woman who complains that she doesnt get to be entitled to a portion of her man's money?

 

Its never the other way around. You dont hear a man complaining that a woman isnt buying him this or that or she isnt sharing her financial possession with him.

[Ursa]

She's not complaining that she wants his inheritance--she wants to feel that they are in a partnership, and equal partners in their marital home. If he wants to keep his inheritance separate, fine; he should invest it in some other way, or if he is dead-set on real estate, invest in a rental. When she graduates law school and is making money again, they can work together to buy their home. There is a distinction between married life in one partner's sole property, and married life in a shared home, which is an investment for both of them. Just because some posters deem it an unimportant distinction, doesn't indicate that others who see more significance in it should be castigated or reproached.