New Here

[AStrongerMe]

I'll try to keep this short but it will be hard

 

I'm almost 43. I spent 15 years married in a dysfunctional and abusive relationship, and then the past 5 years learning to be the best me I can be. I still am working (hence I'm here).

 

I feel very strong and I'm not the over-confident type. I struggled with co-dependency most of my life and through a ton of boundary work, I'm miles from where I ever was 5 years ago. I'm still learning but most of my work now is learning how to fine tune the boundaries, vs. how to identify them.

 

I've been dating the past year. I've met a lot of nice guys but knew pretty quickly if there were things I couldn't mesh with. I've been very good about backing out kindly and being aware of myself through it all. It's been a great learning experience and I've stopped being attracted to jerks!! Most of the guys I dated were stable, self sufficient and good guys. Doesn't mean it's a match right?

 

Ok so now I've developed feelings for a man and it started as friends, it went slow and we've had a very open relationship. A month or so in, he had a relapse, he is an alcoholic who had 2 1/2 years in program and sober. I just happened to meet him at a time where he had several stressors involved in the relapse but he always says "but that's an excuse". He's a vet, some medication changes, taking too many college courses and not sleeping. His VA doctor said some of the medications were drugging him. He does IT work, he was in school at the time (has now withdrawn) and has retirement from Air Force.

 

Ironically he showed up at my house drunk on the first relapse (he had two close together).

 

He'd met his match. I can only find humor in this because I am good at being tough but loving. He actually responded well to me. He was at my house I directly asked him if he was drunk, he said yes and "can I sleep it off here" and I knew immediately that was a horrible idea!!! I said "no, I will take you somewhere, you tell me where". He didn't want to call anyone so I insisted on having his phone and finding out who his sponsor was and dropped him off with his sponsor. He tried a few what I guess are common alcoholic guilt trips? I don't know but I wasn't buying it.

 

I didn't hear from him for a few days and when I did he was in detox and was apologizing and immediately owned up to everything he did, said I handled it perfectly.

 

I took a few days to say "ok lets stay in touch but I'm in caution mode now". He was fine with that. My counselor and I are discussing this, I'll be talking to him again in a couple weeks. I also discussed the truth with my friends and parents because I wanted loving input from people who care about me. They've all been honest as well as caring.

 

So the second relapse we were on a day trip a few hours away and I figured out he'd been drinking but wasn't drunk. I had been driving as my car is newer and I turned the trip around and told him he had to have A: a destination in mind that involved someone who could handle him, or B: I was dropping him off at either the police station or detox. He was not happy, spent a good hour bargaining and ignoring what I'd said. Finally I reminded him "we are nearing our city, where are you going?" and he gave me a person, their phone number and it was a counselor who works with recovering vets.

 

I hugged him and sent him on his way. He called a couple days later and was checking into detox first and inpatient second (his counselor friend had started the detox process but could only safely go so far). So this is giving me a few months to at a distance feel this out.

 

What is weird is that I don't feel responsible for him in the typical sense. I wasn't willing to be the last person who saw him alive (hence a destination) but in everything I've made it his responsibility to find the answer. He's grumbled a couple times but the over all reaction from him has been understanding, accepting and owning everything as his issue.

 

Here's why I'm on here. I have spent the last week re-evaluating my boundaries, re-evaluating decisions, motivations and my own self wellness. I'm able to be removed from this. We've talked on the phone mostly - and I've kind of been a friend. The doctor running the inpatient program has had my conversations relayed to her, and according to the manners I work with him and how I use questions to work with him (helping him to find his own answers, not giving advice), they've told him that it's clear I have very good boundaries with him so I've been allowed to visit.

 

He's also working on his own boundaries while he's working on his recovery. His statements to me have been "I'm not going back to that life" and "I dont' care what it takes I'm beating this".

 

I currently feel I can remain removed. I've actually had a ton of work with my abusive ex who has to stay in my life (3 kids) so I'm constantly removing myself from his stuff. I think it's really allowed me some rock solid boundaries. My next move with my friend is to draw a line. I'm working on it, it has to be a line I can enforce and that I think is fair to me (to me, see that?). It involves him being near me when drinking - in any shape or form. The next event (if there is one, but I'll be realistic here) I will have a plan in place and he'll know what it is.

 

Ok it's long sorry. Here is where I am. I'm re-reading my boundary books, talking to people in Al-Anon (kind of a new area for me), learning things cause I love learning BUT I do not want to have my life consumed with this. My biggest focus right now is my life, my sanity, my happiness. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life and I'm not ever looking back. So now I need to find balance. The balance of living life (my number one goal), loving life and strengthening my tools - with learning about what alcoholism is and recovery for another person (it's their recovery I get that, just as the ability to understand it, not be involved).

 

This past weekend was a "no learning zone" LOL. It was normal kid filled weekend (no they have not met him). So I figure talking to other people who are bettering their life I can continue to be mindful of not going into denial, and not taking this on as my own. I already see how difficult that part will be so I'm here looking to others on a better path.

 

I'll be reading, participating and keeping my eyes open. I do welcome advice because even if it doesn't ring true, everyone's experiences offer me a learning opportunity. And every person who has come into my life, has been put there to learn and grow from. So far my kids have been the biggest influence in my improved life They are a great motivator and are amazing humans.

 

~Christine

[Mme. Chaucer]

In my opinion, regardless of how you are analyzing your feelings about all of this, your behavior is typical, textbook co-dependency.

 

He "met his match" alright - every drinking alcoholic needs a good co.

 

After one month of dating this man you've become deeply involved and enmeshed in "handling" his relapses and recovery.

 

I'm sorry, but that is not indicative of healthy boundaries.

 

I would like to advise you to walk away from this disastrous situation now, for your sake and FOR YOUR KIDS' SAKE, but since you spent many words trying to convince us that your relationship with this sick individual has absolutely no negative effects on you, your healing or your life, I fear that is not a remote option for you.

 

So, since you seem to be determined to embark on this journey with a constantly relapsing alcoholic, I would like to encourage you to go to an Al-anon meeting TODAY and get a sponsor for yourself.

 

Good luck, and I hate to say it, but - I am very sorry.

[Teknoe]

I'm re-reading my boundary books

 

 

Amazon.com: Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life (9780310585909): Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Books

 

highly recommended

[Diamonds&Rust]

I don't think you behaved inappropriately.

 

It sounds like you are an asset to his recovery.

 

I don't know if a relationship is a great idea, but it's certainly not an intrinsically harmful one.

[AStrongerMe]

Amazon.com: Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life (9780310585909): Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Books

 

highly recommended

 

Yes, have that one and a few others. It's a great book.

[AStrongerMe]

I would like to advise you to walk away from this disastrous situation now, for your sake and FOR YOUR KIDS' SAKE, but since you spent many words trying to convince us that your relationship with this sick individual has absolutely no negative effects on you, your healing or your life, I fear that is not a remote option for you.

 

I appreciate your honest words. I'm curious about your anger over this and the fact that you have gone beyond advice to insults and enmeshing with me.

 

I suspect this issue is close for you, I certainly think your words could be true and as always everything presented to me is available to learn from.

 

Thank you.

[Teknoe]

Yes, have that one and a few others. It's a great book.

 

Since you liked Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud, I'd suggest picking this up as well

 

Amazon.com: Battlefield of the Mind: Winning the Battle in Your Mind (9780446691093): Joyce Meyer: Books

 

It's a book that really helped me think ABOUT the way I think. Thought life is so critical. Read it and be blessed.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I did not insult you. Unless you think that "unhealthy" and "co-dependent" are insults.

 

I'm not angry, even a tiny bit. As I said, I am sorry; that's the only emotion I have about your situation. I think it's a bad choice for a person who has deeply ingrained codependency issues and who is trying to heal from a long abusive marriage to consciously get wrapped up with an addict / alcoholic who is relapsing. You could choose a healthy person at this juncture in your life, you know, even if it takes some waiting for you to meet one who you spark with.

 

There are reasons that the "stable, self sufficient good guys" did not resonate with you and the guy with many issues who "needs" your rescuing does, right? And why, rather than moving on when you found he was unstable, functioning poorly and not taking care of himself, you dove right in.

 

Yes, I have personal experience with issues like this, being a recovering addict (24 years clean and sober; thank you very much to the 12 steps of AA and all the support I found there! ) as well as divorced from a man who could not remain clean and sober and who destroyed a lot. I also went to Al-anon and became certified to and worked as a drug and alcohol counselor in a treatment center.

[AStrongerMe]

Since you liked Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud, I'd suggest picking this up as well

 

Amazon.com: Battlefield of the Mind: Winning the Battle in Your Mind (9780446691093): Joyce Meyer: Books

 

It's a book that really helped me think ABOUT the way I think. Thought life is so critical. Read it and be blessed.

 

I will definitely get this one, I don't have it. thank you!

[AStrongerMe]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I think we can agree no one is without issues of some sort. The men I’ve dated had issues, they just were not controlling and abusive and unable to support themselves. But I see your case here.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]The insult came with this line: [/FONT][/sIZE]I fear that is not a remote option for you. P[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]assive aggressive. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Right now I’m talking with a friend I care about. I don’t break anymore from pain or experience.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I don’t where this will go at this point and I don’t have expectations for now. I like that we can talk and I can learn about where he is in his process and there is physical distance right now that’s helpful. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]But the reason I pulled out my books, came here and have been talking to others as well is that of course this isn’t just a “no brainer”. Your input is good and I certainly need to keep it in mind. I suppose in the long run if this friendship ends tomorrow, he brought me a lot of smiles, good conversation and a gentle spirit. And as in other cases the pain fades in time but the little bit of joy can remain. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I would think that getting in to see his doctors (before we met) to start work on medication for PTSD from combat, and to resolve some other health issues, which led to medication roulette (I like to call it that, I've been through it with other loved ones and it sucks until you find the right thing) was a start to taking care of himself. He's continuing with it while in treatment and when he's out, he's seeking group and inpatient for PTSD.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I don't know if he plans to continue down this road or not, its not my business to ask. [/sIZE][/FONT]

Congrats on your sobriety. I'm always of the opinion that people can and do create their own miracles. I did it for me. Maybe I'll post my story next, it's more than the bit I wrote here, it's pretty fantastic.

[cerridwen]

Moving onto someone without a substance abuse issue seems like a good healthy step for both you and your children.

 

You've made great strides to get where you are.

The next logical step would be to surround yourself with equally healthy and conscientious people.

 

So much energy goes into the relationship you've described.

That's energy that could be used to experience a whole relationship--not one seeped in "recovery" efforts.

 

Good luck with your continued growth.

It's admirable.

[AStrongerMe]

Wow that looks wild, sorry don't know what happened!

[AStrongerMe]

The next logical step would be to surround yourself with equally healthy and conscientious people.

 

So much energy goes into the relationship you've described.

That's energy that could be used to experience a whole relationship--not one seeped in "recovery" efforts. .

 

Most certainly this is on my mind a great deal. Thank you!

[cerridwen]

Most certainly this is on my mind a great deal. Thank you!

 

I could see you going this route and really growing from it, ASM.

That you've been considering it speaks volumes about your awareness and the direction you intuitively know to move in.

I hope you choose it.

 

Best.