update and guidance

[tryingtomakeitwork7]

Hi,

 

So my marriage is a disaster. We had been fighting for a long time ( over a year) and then she told me on Jan 11th 2012 that she is not in love with me. Obviously a range of emotions have happened since that. We were first going to get a divorce straight away and then she told me she wanted to love me and that she is not ok with it this way and wanted to work on things. We have spent the majority of Feb on the sofa spending time together and enjoying our time. She smokes a lot of weed and i feel like her being high was a non coping thing. During this time she agreed to work on things but anytime it came to finishing something, like therapy or things to try at home she can't do it. Like we did something called a needed and wanted list. Of things we wanted in our spouse and one of her things was peace and stability. so i controlled any outbursts or overly emotional things and she was going to try to come back to bed and start acting loving in hopes her feelings would change. But when it came to her actually trying to do that she could not do it. So it seems every 3 to 4 days when we have a good time together and then she can tell i think something more needs to come of it she freaks out and pulls back even more. Recently, like yesterday, she said she is done. and wants a divorce. She did agree to complete the therapy thing and offered to still go but instead of it being towards a fixed marriage it will instead result in a friendship. She is tired of pretending we have something we dont. So instead thinks we should just be what she feels we are and that is friends. If something changes great but essentially wants to just go about living her life. I should tell you she is very smart, a law student and thinks she knows a lot. She is also only 29. Our options for living are as follows and this is what i need advice on:

 

1. go on living together under one roof to benefit our animals. We have a lot of them and it takes two to run our household. She also said she is in no hurry to actual file. so live together throughout the summer, as friends, sharing expenses and her agreeing not to date anyone or do anything in that regard. The plus side to this is it gives me a chance to actually still be with her under the same roof. it allows me to get my life together and plan one without her. While still benefiting from a shared income and some stability on my part. The animals will be with us both. There is a small chance if i finally stop trying to fix it that it will get fixed. I read this happens but does it really????

i should state that she fell out of love and realized jan 11th. She thinks she could tell but did not put it into words. She thinks she realized in November but didn't know what it was. The downside of this is it is really difficult for me. To essentially watch this person who was so close to me become a bit of a stranger and have to grieve under the same roof but hidden.

 

2. i leave and we split up and animals and call it done. She has all but told me that we are over.

 

3. she moves out for the summer and moves in with her parents and just visits the animals. We still share an income. I live here for the summer and figure out my stuff.

 

Advice please? I feel pretty isolated in this. I should say we are both women. It is pretty much the same as a straight couple but much more emotions!

 

i should also say i am the more feminine one in the relationship and i am older. 37. She is 29 and we met when she was 22. She certainly has become a different person, a grown up.

[tryingtomakeitwork7]

we both own it.

[tryingtomakeitwork7]

That's the option she wants least. ugh, thanks for the advice!

[Lil1]

I agree with Coopster OP. She is the one that wants out of the relationship. She is the one who has checked out. You are still trying to work things out. Time to put yourself first. Keep the house! She'll do well with her law degree I'm sure. Time to be selfish now OP. Heal your heart and be happy in your own home!