What Now???

[UtterlyLost]

Hello all,

 

My first post here. I've been reading for a while and wanted to get some advice.

 

I'll try to make this short.

 

So I found out that my wife had an affair with her ex that consisted of 2 sexual encounters. Long story short about that is that we have come to terms and we are dealing with that.

 

Here's where we are now. She says that even after all that has happened she has come back to her original reason for leaving...that she doesn't know whether she's still in love with me. She says she still loves me and has a great time when we're together but doesn't have those "deep down" feelings right now.

 

She says she's confused and doesn't know what to do or feel. She has agreed to go to counseling and see if they can help sort everything out. She has come back home from her sister's house.

 

I just don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I have been making changes to the things she says bothers her in regards to how I express my feelings and emotions to her. I've been doing many of the things that she has always wanted me to do. She reciprocates those things to a certain extent ONCE I INITIATE them. She very seldom initiates much affection (hugs, kisses, playful texts, etc). I have confronted her a couple times about this and she says that she just feels awkward doing that right now because of her mixed emotions toward me.

 

Now, I would like to dispel the thoughts that she's still involved in the affair please. I believe that it's over physically. She has told me on a couple occasions when we were talking about it that she still has feelings for him because she was with him all through high school and they were married for a year before we got together. She broke off the affair before I found out and had already decided that it wasn't what she was looking for. So I believe the issue that remains is the original reason why she sat down to talk to me and why she left.

 

I really need some advice on what I'm supposed to do right now. Am I supposed to continue to make and implement the changes to the way I am toward her or am I supposed to leave her alone to let her think? I'm so lost on what I'm supposed to be doing right now.

 

Any and all advice is welcomed. Thanks.

[Afishwithabike]

How long ago was the PA with her ex-husband?

 

Were you and she involved in an affair when she was married to him?

 

Marriage counselors often recommend the wayward spouse send a NC (no contact) letter to the affair partner. It doesn't have to be long. It's basically a simple letter telling the other man to stay away, the affair was a cruel, selfish indulgence, she wants to work on her marriage. Has she sent such a letter to tell him telling him to not contact her for the rest of her life? She needs to change her phone number, delete her Facebook or social media account, change email addresses..basiscally change the ways he could contact her.

 

Whilst I don't have first hand experience with affairs, I've read that sometimes the wayward spouse can have deep feelings for the affair partner and that there's sometimes a period where they go through a withdrawal period. I can't tell how long ago the affairs were, but if they were fairly recent (last few months) it could be that she's still in withdrawal. This has to do with the chemistry of attraction. During the affair, all sorts of brain chemicals were giving your wife a "high" so to speak. The brain craves that high and so it thinks of the other man.

The article I linked below explains it well.

The Chemistry of Love

 

I hope you're in marital counseling and she in individual counseling. Keep up the good work on your end.

[SarahKnowles]

I'm just going to ignore the information about the affair as I don't believe it's that relevant. The reason she says she did it is because she's questioning her feelings for you, which is the main thing here.

 

I wrote a post like this yesterday, from the wife's point of view! I'm feeling this way about my husband at the moment, no idea why as he's a great guy.

 

I'll let you know what I think would be helpful, from my point of view. Although I'm feeling really weird about my husband at the moment, I don't want to leave him, otherwise I already would have. I think your wife has also demonstrated the same commitment to you, so there's hope!

 

She clearly needs a little bit of space. You should let her be alone when she wants to, and keep being nice to her, to let her remember why she married you. However - don't be needy, as it sounds like it will likely repel her while she's figuring out her feelings. Let her feel she is free at home with you. Tell her you're going to have a trial period of a couple of weeks where she can call the shots to help figure out how she feels, and after that time you're going to have a frank talk about how things are going. This can be the time when you tell her what you need from her. She's going to have to make the decision not only whether she still loves you, but whether she's committed to putting in the hard work it takes to sustain a lifelong relationship.

 

My husband and I had counselling before we were married and it was great. I think this is a really safe place to talk about difficult things if that's something you guys need to do. It's particularly good for forgiving and forgetting, and working with someone to sort out ground rules for your relationship and figuring out what's really important to you. For example you guys might want to vent everything you need to about the affair, and set boundaries and contracts around this stuff for the future, so you don't end up mentioning it in every single fight you have for the next 60 years. Counsellors are good for making sure you vent constructively so you move forward rather than getting bogged down in blame and resentment.

 

Something I've been exploring inside myself in the last few days is the fact that I made that vow to be with him forever. I also made that vow for better or worse, and for me, I'm currently in the worse part. But that's what I signed up for. It's not that I have any moral or religious objection to divorce - I just made a commitment, as a fully responsible and cognisant adult, not to do that. So I'm going to give it my damned best shot. I don't think it hurts to be reminded of these vows from time to time. Quitting is easy, after all. It takes strength and perseverance, even when you just don't feel like it, to get valuable things in life.

 

I'm but a rank amateur, so not sure if my thoughts will help you at all, but very good luck to you, and I hope things work out happily ever after.

 

Sarah

[Woggle]

Do you have any kids? If not then just let her go and she can have as many affairs as she wants. If you do then grow a pair of balls and make her try and win you back. The victim should not have to kiss the butt of the person that victimized them. All you are doing now is making her lose respect.

[2sunny]

Since SHE cheated and is broken - let HER do the changing!

 

Anything she is asking YOU to change is bs! She needs to get HER feelings back IN the marriage - instead of on the OM.

 

That's for HER to do, not you!

 

Stop kissing her butt! Get mad - SHE CHEATED ON YOU!

 

If she's not willing to change and get counseling for her - then divorce her, odds are she will cheat again.

 

And stop being so nice about it - she betrayed you!

[UtterlyLost]

AFish,

1. The PA was brought to light 2.5 weeks ago and actually happened within the last month.

2. We were not involved in an affair while she was married to him. She divorced him before we got together.

3. She has not sent any kind of letter. She called him the morning that I confronted her and told him my "demands" as to him and her. I told her that if she had ANY thoughts whatsoever of trying to repair what had been done that she was to NEVER speak or see him again. And if she did, she was to tell me immediately.

4. I know she has feelings for him because she has told me so. That is completely understandable to me. Heck, she was with him throughout high school and then married to him. So I understand that. I still have feelings for my ex-wife. I think that's completely normal and I told her so.

5. We are starting marital counseling tomorrow and I have her convinced to see someone alone. This actually encourages me that she's willing to talk to someone.

 

SarahKnowles,

Thank you for disregarding the affair issue right now. I know it's very important and something that we will have to deal with but I too believe that the bigger issue is her feelings toward me.

I actually believe that she is paralleling you right now. I think that if she wanted to leave she would have already. She does feel weird around me in certain respects but in other respects we are still best friends and still get along very well. We do have a 2yr old and a 2.5mo old that cause some added stress which isn't helping right now, but we both love them VERY much so we're trying to find ways to deal with everything.

When you say "give her space", do you mean that I shouldn't try to be affectionate toward her with big hugs and kisses when I feel like it...things like that that are not sexually based? That's what I'm having trouble with. I asked her how I should behave around her so I won't make her feel uncomfortable but she tells me that I should act normal and how I want to act. Then when I try to act normal and give her a playful kiss on the neck she kind of acts weird. So I'm VERY confused.

I know she's dealing with many emotions right now. I mean, she is a very emotional, moral and ethical person and now she's having to deal with lack of feelings for the one person she has always said was the one person put on earth specifically for her, she's having to deal with having an affair which is something she has always vowed to me and herself that she would NEVER do and she's having to deal with the disappointment she sees in my eyes. So I know she's dealing with a lot.

I just am having the most difficult time knowing what to do. I feel like if I try to be normal it will make her uncomfortable and if I try to lay back it will make her feel like I don't care.

Your advice means a lot because you're feeling the same way she is right now. Thank you for trying to help.