He wants to share our wedding date with his sister

[eleutherah]

Hi. First time poster here. I don't have many friends I can turn to you and wanted to get some perspective.

 

My fiance and I got engaged in early December. My twin sister recently married in the last year and had a really lovely and tiny destination wedding, and we had vague plans to do the same thing. In the last week, we finally had a couple very brief discussions on plans - to keep ours supersmall (immediate fam only). This Sunday we discussed it a bit at a family brunch, identifying October as a possible date. I told fiance to help research and plan it, since its been 3 months and we've barely had a discussion. He said in May he would start researching and starting booking places/services by June. He's a first-yr residency in medical field, so this has been a tough year, overnight shifts etc. I felt that we should be researching Carribbean islands now but didnt press him. At least our discussions had begun and were starting to take shape, right?

 

Yesterday, one day after the discussion in front of family, the lightbulb went off in his head that his sister who just got engaged on Sunday could have a joint wedding with us. He wants to rent a large waterfront house, have all our families stay there, have his dad cook, and have his sister's fiance arrange and drive a boat. He says this will be a great way for all 3 of the families to come together, have a grand time, etc. He has a wonderful family. I have not met his sister's fiance.

 

My gut reaction was complete disappointment and sadness and offense. I knew the moment he told me he had a great idea that that was exactly what he was going to propose, actually! Why? Because he is all about practicality, efficiency and not wasting money. I had already had an emotional time trying to get him involved in buying me an engagement ring (I was upset because I felt that the ring was a symbol and should at least have his input) and we've already had tension over the value of paying for a wedding photographer (he thinks his dad could do it).

 

In his mind this joint wedding will be "grand" but he is somewhat eccentric in his ways. To me, I see this being as the same holiday trip we make every year to see his family in Florida, and not my special day anymore. There will be people there I have never met (going against the small intimate non-stressful nature of being wed in front of people I dont really know). My fiance only gets limited time off so a destination wedding would give us a honeymoon combined. Whereas I have been to Florida countless times. If we do this, then heck we should just do it over xmas break and wrap all birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc. into one!

 

Also I will be a joint bride - sharing my singlemost special day with another bride, a young, beautiful blonde. Meanwhile I will be 34, and well.. you get the drift. Sharing a wedding date / week with someone is just not the same as your own wedding. At least I hope someone here can understand that and validate that its not unreasonable. Am I the crazy one here to not be so receptive to this idea? My fiance got very frustrated at me for making him feel like he can never do anything right (baggage from our past), but this is different. I couldn't even put it in words to him, I just felt like my wish to have my own wedding day, however small it is, is so self-explanatory especially as a woman who has struggled so long to finally get there.

 

Has anyone ever been in or know of anyone who's had a joint wedding?

[TigerCub]

Hi

 

First congrats on getting engaged to the man you love

 

Now..the wedding:

 

I've never been married, but from what I understand, guys know that its not their special day, the way it is for a woman.

 

So I can see how your fiance is thinking practically and imagining it to be this awesome day where all the families get together and celebrate the good fortune of their kids.

 

You need to explain to your husband to be, that a wedding is a special day for a woman, and hopefully this is the only wedding you'll ever have, so its important to you to have it be about you and your fiance and no one else.

 

I don't think that you're in the wrong, but maybe you need to just explain the importance of this day to him, because he's not seeing it through your eyes.

 

Also, he wants the sister's fiance to drive the boat? Wouldn't that guy be getting married that day too? Why would he want that responsibility on him.

 

Furthermore, I'm guessing that even if your fiance is crazy about this idea, chances are his sister would likely share your views on it. I'm sure that she too, would like her wedding day to be special and to be about her and her fiance.

 

Just talk to your fiance and explain what the wedding day means to you.

 

Good luck

[setsenia]

You are not being unreasonable at all! They say you only get married once for a reason. You have every right to have your own special day and perhaps you might want to emphasize that with your husband. Tell him that you really want to make it a day to celebrate your marriage to him and make it about the both of you. I usually only hear people joke about getting hitched at the same time. My brother actually shared a room with my mom and stepdad after they were hitched after 18 years. Needless to say, my stepdad was not happy at all. If saving money is more important than making it a special day about the two of you, maybe he should rethink marriage. We regret not having a better photographer, although if you have professional photographers in your families, it could make it more meaningful and save money. My best friend's step-sister got married in their parent's back yard, nothing formal, plenty of guests. Their parents were both photographers as well as her brother. I've seen some of their photos and they are amazing. Maybe have his father do a few engagement photos and then make a decision. Maybe he's a really good photographer. However, if he's hardly taken pictures in his life, that's another story. If your husband really values your opinion, he should listen to what you have to say otherwise IMO, I wouldn't want to marry him.

[Eddie Edirol]

So whos special day is more important, yours or his? If he doesnt do the joint wedding, its most likely that much of his family wont be at your wedding, because they would have already gone to his sisters wedding. but then you will be happy because your family will all be there, and you wont have to deal with people you dont know. So who is more selfish, you or him? From the sound of this joint wedding, it will be quite a good time.

 

Why dont you guys do the weddings at different times of the day, or two different days that weekend, that way you can utilize the whole family, yours and his, including the other bride, and the boat. Then it will be YOUR wedding, and not your sister in laws, but everyone can still be there, and your fiance can save the money he wants to save. Also you should talk to your sister in law, I agree with the other poster that she might not want to share a wedding day either, you might be able to stage a coo.

[denise_xo]

I couldn't even put it in words to him, I just felt like my wish to have my own wedding day, however small it is, is so self-explanatory especially as a woman who has struggled so long to finally get there.

 

I think you just need to be direct about it. He probably doesn't think about it the same way as you do. You could always save up a bit longer before getting married if this (and other things, such as a professional photographer) are important to you, or it you'd rather do the holiday thing.