When you know you are incompatible, but you just can't let go

[Desensitized]

Tried initiating contact again with my ex-f after 5 months of no contact. I told her I wanted her back in my life and she started talking to me for a day or so, and then it's like she vanished. She stopped talking to me and when I asked her for the reason why she wasn't responding to anything I had to say, she never gave me a response. I was being really nice to her and really wanted her back in my life as a friend, but it seems that she can't even give me a response as to whether she wants to be friends or not.

 

I probably flooded her phone with messages and not a single response (this was all over the course of a few days). I'm just fed up that she can't tell me whether she wants me in her life or not, rather than just ignoring me for almost a week. It got to the point where I got sort of upset and told her that if she's going to do this and not send a simple single response as to why she's not responding, then I will give her what she wants.

 

So I basically said that if she wants to be strangers for the rest of our lives, then so be it, we will be. I don't get why she's doing this, we were fine talking the first day and I was making her laugh, but then, she just cuts contact. WTF? We've both moved on and I have a girlfriend currently, and as far as I know, she had a boyfriend for a couple of months.

 

So my question to you all is, since she's being like this and not responding to any of my messages (I was being nice in my messages), how do I finally let her go from my life? It is clear she wants nothing to do with me and she can't even send me a simple sentence of a message saying that she wants nothing to do with me. SO FRICKIN' ANNOYING. She's been on my mind ever since I canceled our engagement, and I am fed up with it.

 

I canceled our engagement because I couldn't trust her because of her sexual history and because I simply couldn't get past her sexual past (this was over a year ago). There's other stuff too that influenced my decision, but these two were the main reasons. So many things remind me of her... I feel like I will never forget her because so many things remind me of her but I need to forget. She doesn't want me in her life and it seems that I'm not worth responding to anymore, so I need to let her go once and for all.

 

She wants to be strangers, so be it.

[olivec]

She doesn't want me in her life and it seems that I'm not worth responding to anymore, so I need to let her go once and for all.

 

She wants to be strangers, so be it.

 

Man i've been where your at and I know its rough. Your just gunna have to man up and face it head on thats shes done with you. I went through that with my ex gf after she broke up with me. Tryed for months getting her back by email, text, phone calls you name it. Nothing worked, I felt like complete **** for months after that started drinking let myself get out of shape. You gotta let her go completely man or its gunna eat you up inside. Plus not to sound rude but this girl doesn"t give a **** so while your all depressed shes chillin with her friends or hanging out with other guys. You gotta focus on yourself now and things will get better. I promise.

[rAFC]

I think what she is thinking is that you broke her heart. When you talked the other day it probably felt good during the conversation, but later when she had time to think about it, I'd bet all of the sad feelings came back to her and she decided it would be better if she went back to no contact.

 

She may never want to be friends with you. Just like she had to accept the painful truth that you no longer wanted to marry her, now you have to accept the fact that she may never want to be friends with you. Imagine how you are feeling now, being "rejected" as a friend, now multiply it by 10 and you will have some idea of how she probably felt when you ended your romantic relationship with her.

 

Life goes on, be strong and do both of you a favor and leave this poor girl alone.

[Desensitized]

Thanks for the responses guys. I want her but I can't be with her, as much as i want to be. Don't get me wrong, I would go back to her but I can't get over her sexual history and the fact that she broke our trust. I dream about her all the time and it sucks... it's hard being strong when not a day goes by where she doesn't cross my mind. Just when will it end? When will I stop thinking about her? I seriously doubt that will ever happen, and that is the part that scares me the most.

[Desensitized]

Yeah, I quit. It's like I'm talking to myself with all these messages I have sent her. Pretty sure she's gotten them too. I guess she's out of my life forever. I really wanted her back, even if it was just as "friends."

[stillafool]

I too could not just be friends with someone I was in love with. Especially if he dumped me due to my sexual past and couldn't get over it. I would feel he didn't deserve my friendship. I'm sorry you are in pain but it is best to leave this girl alone and let her find someone who will cherish her. In time you will feel better. You will feel better and meet the woman you are meant to be with. Good Luck.

[Desensitized]

I too could not just be friends with someone I was in love with. Especially if he dumped me due to my sexual past and couldn't get over it. I would feel he didn't deserve my friendship. I'm sorry you are in pain but it is best to leave this girl alone and let her find someone who will cherish her. In time you will feel better. You will feel better and meet the woman you are meant to be with. Good Luck.

 

Thank you for your honest response, and that's what I hope she finds, someone who will love her regardless of her past. Sucks that I couldn't handle it, but I can't change the way I think about certain things. It's just how I am and I can't change the way I feel about something like this...

[stillafool]

You're right because you may think you want her back but if she came back you would wonder what she has been doing while gone. Also I think resentment would creep back in and you two would break up again. Since you know you can't get over her past it's best to move forward.

[Desensitized]

You are very right in what you say, as it has happened in the past. We broke up, we got back together and I still couldn't deal with her past. She's an awesome girl, and it saddens me that we are no longer going to be friends. She's fun, smart, caring, and most of all, it's like she's my other half. We are like the same person... or maybe not so much anymore, considering I haven't hung around her in ages it seems.

 

I hate that it has to be this way. I get the girl I've always wanted and it turns out I can't deal with some of her flaws... sucks. So hard to move forward when you are always looking back.

[olivec]

You are very right in what you say, as it has happened in the past. We broke up, we got back together and I still couldn't deal with her past. She's an awesome girl, and it saddens me that we are no longer going to be friends. She's fun, smart, caring, and most of all, it's like she's my other half. We are like the same person... or maybe not so much anymore, considering I haven't hung around her in ages it seems.

 

I hate that it has to be this way. I get the girl I've always wanted and it turns out I can't deal with some of her flaws... sucks. So hard to move forward when you are always looking back.

 

Exactly you gotta move forward and let that chapter of your life with her be in the past now. Like you said you are who you are and if you guys somehow did get back together you know deep down it wont work. Its hard I know but you gotta strong and leave her alone.

[flitzanu]

how does your current girlfriend feel about you obsessing over your ex and texting her?

[fazz]

You are very right in what you say, as it has happened in the past. We broke up, we got back together and I still couldn't deal with her past. She's an awesome girl, and it saddens me that we are no longer going to be friends. She's fun, smart, caring, and most of all, it's like she's my other half. We are like the same person... or maybe not so much anymore, considering I haven't hung around her in ages it seems.

 

I hate that it has to be this way. I get the girl I've always wanted and it turns out I can't deal with some of her flaws... sucks. So hard to move forward when you are always looking back.

 

1. so...the BACKGROUND.....

- Dating for 1 year, 3 months gap with him doing a girl then got back for another 6 months. -

 

Funny that I just had a convo with a friend few hours ago of how i can't get over my ex after 9 months ( its ended june last year). Similar story to you. Its just that I am the girl and I can't get over his sexual past and he had been trying to make me friend after that but..I was just so afraid because we went NC and still I can't get him out of my head and still keep thinking abt him everyday, and every single thing reminds me of him and not much changing after 9 months.

 

My feeling to him is exactly the same way you describe your feeling to your ex GF. I feel like I have found my other half , and it still does until now and every lovely moments I spend with him is still as fresh as every hurtful facts I found out abt him ( well he flirts a lot and stuff and stuff, hence his sexual past).

 

And his feeling to me is mutual its just that he was a narcissistic and egoistic person but he did not realise that he had those attitude towards me. But he loved me as much as he can not fully understand that he loved himself more. I believe he also tought that I am his other half in some sort because things got really serious as he took me to visit his old best friend in other regions and visited all his families and taking me along just to introduce me to all his important people. I mean in a formal way, not like we meet up in a get together activities or anything and he wanted to visit my family in the other continent.

 

and well yeah I am badly broken hearted.

 

I deleted his FB and going NC. He tried to add me in linked in and I ignored it. He tried to meet me and I freaked out and I admit that I was being hard to him but its just because I viewed it that I am on a diet and I eating is out of question. He can easily feel the way you feel now.

 

I understand if he does but I hope he could think a bit further because I was doing it in the effort to protect myself. It was a defensive measure.

 

I hope he does not because it makes me sad if he does.

 

 

2. And this is how I am being in the girl part shoes in this case.....

 

I wonder if there is any certain method to deal with this issue.

 

Tried NC.

Tried ignoring my feelings.

Tried to go with the flow ( crying, depressed, etc)

Tried to see him in the bad lights....and he played really well in that perspective...

Tried to shower myself with attention and love from friends n family

After 9 months all seems to making me busy and give myself the satisfaction of giving myself the best effort but....

 

When my mind is empty, everything just creeps back in.

 

Now I am considering to get back in touch with him. But I do nt think it is the best still. I picture myself to find out that he gets over me or back doing the girls probably I won't be happy either.

 

or

 

on the other hand....maybe he has become a better man and making me wanting him back? but I still don't know if by then if I can deal with his past or not. And we still have other technical stuffs of which the most prominent are being in different continents, two digits age gap and in a lesser degree, we are of different race and culture and families background gap.

 

And I also question my motive of my urge to contact him....doesnt it that i am still obsessed with him, that I have not getting over him hence getting back in contact with him will only keep me in the past ? (--> something that probably you want to consider too)

 

 

So maybe for one thing I can share with you is I do not know how to get past this kind of pain of finding the one but can't be with him/her because its too painful to deal with their flaws.

 

and one thing that could be useful for you is not to hate her because probably she is in my shoes and its too hurtful to keep in contact with you because you are her "the one" also.

 

Its tough and sometimes I am so pissed with myself ( my brain ) and asking after all I have done why you keep playing the scenes ?!?!?

 

I still can't really picture myself to be so attached and glued with anyone.

 

Wish the best for our future love prospects. May the better one that can makes us feel like that to him/her comes along. Take care.

Edited March 14, 2012 by fazz

[Desensitized]

how does your current girlfriend feel about you obsessing over your ex and texting her?

She's actually been very supportive, which is something I am grateful for. I told my current gf that she was one of my best friends and that it's hard to lose a good friend, and she understood. I only brought my ex up before we started dating, and she talked to me about it. However, now that we are officially together, I don't bring her up. I know it's not fair to my current girlfriend, so I am going to be honest with her and tell her what's been on my mind lately. I'm sure she'll understand, but yeah, it's not fair to her.

 

@Fazz: thanks for sharing your point of view and story, it means a lot. It's nice knowing that someone else is in my shoes. I am sorry for your heart break, I know it's not easy breaking up with someone when you don't want to. Most painful thing I ever had to do... it's basically breaking up with myself because it probably hurt me more than it hurt her to break up with her...

 

Like you, I don't know how to get past the pain when you love someone but can't accept their flaws. Which is why I broke up with her. The pain was just f*cking unbearable. Picturing the woman you love being screwed by insignificant idiots just makes my blood boil. Maybe it's just my male animalistic tendency of being territorial, but who knows. It can't be that if you are going through this as well, since you are a female.

 

But no, I don't hate my ex. I understand that we are different people and she has her own beliefs and will do what she wants. Her parents brought her up a different way than mine did, so that also plays a part. I did hate her initially when I first broke up with her, but it was a heat of the moment sort of thing. We are just incompatible, that's all there is to it. Opposites attract, unfortunately. But at the same time, it's good that we attracted these kind of people. Forces us to see things from a new perspective and not be so judgmental about different types of people.

 

Tried NC.

Tried ignoring my feelings.

Tried to go with the flow ( crying, depressed, etc)

Tried to see him in the bad lights....and he played really well in that perspective...

Tried to shower myself with attention and love from friends n family

After 9 months all seems to making me busy and give myself the satisfaction of giving myself the best effort but....

 

When my mind is empty, everything just creeps back in.

I did the same thing... 100%. Gah, it sounds like you are just like me in this respect =(. So sorry that you are going through this, it's not easy!

 

fazz, I would like to talk to you more about this. Maybe this will be a good way to get over something like what we are going through. No one I know, or that I have talked to have been able to understand my frustration. But it seems that you do! Please, send me a private message when you can. It will help talking to someone who is in my shoes, and perhaps, hearing different perspectives of this all. Thank you, fazz, and I hope you have a great rest of your day.

[BewitchedandBothered]

As a girl who was judged for her past as you judged your ex, I want nothing to do with my ex. He wanted to be 'friends' after dumping me and breaking my heart. He had the audacity to text me and want be friends after all that? No true friend will be bothered by your past. IT IS HER PAST, SHE DOES NOT LIVE THERE ANYMORE. Your post sounds very high and mighty.

 

I won't be in a relationship with someone who puts 'conditions' on it. Don't contact her anymore. Her not responding to your floods of texts speaks loud and clear what she wants.

 

And the very fact that you are obsessing over your ex while you have a g/f is selfish and hurtful to her new one who can only be a good sport for so long. No self respecting woman wants a b/f who can't get over his ex and discusses her over dinner with the new g/f. Epic fail.

Edited March 14, 2012 by BewitchedandBothered

[Desensitized]

No true friend will be bothered by your past

her past doesn't bother me if I am not in a relationship with her, hence why I wanted to be her FRIEND. Figured having her in my life at least as a FRIEND would be better than not at all. How did I judge my ex? I couldn't get past her past and that's my fault? Nah, it's not. You act like I can choose to think differently about stuff like that. I guess I could learn to live with it if I was in a relationship with her, but the very fact is that I was not able to live with it and it ended up driving me insane. However, now that I'm not with her, i am not bothered by her past. It's HER past, not mine. It is her deal, not mine, and I could tolerate being friends with her because I am NOT in a relationship with her, so I could give 2 sh*ts about her sex life. It only bothered me when I was in a relationship with her, like I said, so being friends wouldn't bother me at all. Get it? Jesus...

 

And yeah, I am not contacting her anymore.

And the very fact that you are obsessing over your ex while you have a g/f is selfish and hurtful to her new one who can only be a good sport for so long. No self respecting woman wants a b/f who can't get over his ex and discusses her over dinner with the new g/f. Epic fail.

LOL. I haven't brought my ex up at all since I became official with my gf. I brought her up once or twice before we started dating, but even then, we only talked about my ex in regards to being a good friend. Never did I say how special she was as a girlfriend, etc. Sorry for not being clear.

 

Bottom line is, is that you guys on the other side of the story will never get our points of view, and we will never get yours.

 

p.s. giggled at your "high and mighty" comment. That's something my ex would say about me... because I am s0o0o0o0o0o narcissistic apparently *rolls eyes*

Edited March 14, 2012 by Desensitized

[fazz]

Hi Desensitized....

 

yeah...this part

Like you, I don't know how to get past the pain when you love someone but can't accept their flaws. Which is why I broke up with her. The pain was just f*cking unbearable. Picturing the woman you love being screwed by insignificant idiots just makes my blood boil. Maybe it's just my male animalistic tendency of being territorial, but who knows. It can't be that if you are going through this as well, since you are a female.

 

I totally understand because thats the scene that broke us up and the same bad scene plays until now and still hurts the same....in particular of what happened during our 3 months break up not to mention his old documentaries ( him as a person gives me a lot of surprise but not in a nice way since history makes who you are now). I'm the territorial type so...hi mate.

 

Yeah his past drives me insane.....I feel like I just copy your post but you describe everything so well....and the relationship brought the worst of myself ( of course I was being the insane version of myself) and I think its not good for me cos it was eating my core from the inside so I thought how should I deal so his past won't bother me anymore then I broke up with him.

 

And I couldn't agree more that....it felt like breaking up with ourselves. This could be the best sentence to describe the feeling.......... * seriously feel like I wanna scream now *

 

Sure please do msg me, usually I lurk around here and been trying to find the message button but can only find the add contact button.....so feel free to msg me to talk more on this subject. I think this would be good for us both. Try to check my profile out for contacts.

 

and you have a great day too!

Edited March 14, 2012 by fazz

[BewitchedandBothered]

her past doesn't bother me if I am not in a relationship with her, hence why I wanted to be her FRIEND. Figured having her in my life at least as a FRIEND would be better than not at all. How did I judge my ex? I couldn't get past her past and that's my fault? Nah, it's not. You act like I can choose to think differently about stuff like that. I guess I could learn to live with it if I was in a relationship with her, but the very fact is that I was not able to live with it and it ended up driving me insane. However, now that I'm not with her, i am not bothered by her past. It's HER past, not mine. It is her deal, not mine, and I could tolerate being friends with her because I am NOT in a relationship with her, so I could give 2 sh*ts about her sex life. It only bothered me when I was in a relationship with her, like I said, so being friends wouldn't bother me at all. Get it? Jesus...

 

And yeah, I am not contacting her anymore.

LOL. I haven't brought my ex up at all since I became official with my gf. I brought her up once or twice before we started dating, but even then, we only talked about my ex in regards to being a good friend. Never did I say how special she was as a girlfriend, etc. Sorry for not being clear.

 

Bottom line is, is that you guys on the other side of the story will never get our points of view, and we will never get yours.

 

p.s. giggled at your "high and mighty" comment. That's something my ex would say about me... because I am s0o0o0o0o0o narcissistic apparently *rolls eyes*

You still obsessed over your ex===dating someone while flooding your ex's phone with texts--you don't have to bring her up to your new g/f, but this is very telling. you have your ex on the brain while official with someone else---does your g/f know what you have been up to? Unfair to the newbie. Sorry, but very unfair to beg after another woman to be your 'friend' when your feelings go way deeper. Get this ex out of your system before you hurt someone. PS, would your new g/f mind seeing all those texts and seeing how you are tremendously bothered by no response?

Edited March 14, 2012 by BewitchedandBothered

[Desensitized]

fazz, I sent you an e-mail to your e-mail that is listed in your profile.