uncomfortable living situation in need of serious advise

[dusty5128]

I really need some help with this situation I've been presented with. My girlfriend and I have been going out now for almost 4 years. Everything has been really great and we've been thinking about the future for some time now. I have graduated recently, and I'm looking to buy a ring. However, a big problem arose to our "plan" lately when her mother decided to kick her out of her house. Some of the blame is hers for some words that were said, and she openly admits this. However, I have seen her mother control her life, and really mooch off of the money she works so hard to earn to waste it on things from home shopping club or QVC. On top of several other things including her mom getting jealous for her spending time with me, for god's sake she's my girlfriend, what is her mother going to do when she's my wife. So anyways, on top of this, when she was kicked out, her mother has gone psycho. Leaving insane messages on her phone at night, she even went as crazy as to send out a obiduary of her own saying she was going to die in a week because of not taking her medication, and how it was my girlfriend's fault. There are 4 children at home, my g/f is the oldest, the 19 year old moved out a year ago on bad terms, my girl is out now on bad terms, the 17 year old is counting the days until she leaves, and the 9 year old wanted to leave with my girlfriend when she was kicked out. So things are really bad.

Now that I've gotten all that out of the way, my problem comes in when she was kicked out. She really wanted to move out with me before this situation, and I wasn't for it, I was afraid that it would hurt the relationship, and I know my parents wouldn't be too cool for it. She also talked about moving in with this guy she met from work. I really don't want her to move out with a guy. I told her ths wasn't comfortable with me, and that it might hurt our relationship. She ended up being angry with me and she even admitted that she was upset because it felt to her that I was keeping her at home before she was kicked out because I didn't want her to move in with this guy. But i came to my sences and realized that this isn't just any situation, and we needed to move out together. So last week we scheduled a day to look at apartments, the same evening she got kicked out of her house. However, the situation worked out for the mean time, and her aunt let her move in and said she can stay there until she graduates. But she told me that if she feels uncomfortable that she might still consider moving in with this guy. I really don't like the situation. I would be totally upset if she did this. Some guy would get to see her everyday other than myself. Even be there for her if we got in an arguement, I really don't know how to tell her that I'm not joking, that I would not be comfortable about it at all, and that I would rather move out with her and hurt my relationship with my parents than have her move in with some guy. Now, she has told me she has no feelings for this guy, and the he's not someone that she would ever consider dating, but I really don't care, it still bothers me. I am lost in this and don't know what to do, how to do it. I've already showed my disapproval in it, but I don't want to beat it to death with her.

[Debster]

Sounds to me like you have a bit of the 'me, me, me' disease.

 

Your girlfriend seems to have had a very rough go of it and I feel for you. You weren't too quick to jump to her aid, now were you and I can see that it bothered her. And so it should. Instead of you being supportive and helping her get away from an emotionally abusive relationship (her mom), you decide to whine about where she might end up living if she decides it is too uncomfortable to live with her aunt. Maybe it will draw her back into the family drama. Maybe she might get a guilt trip about leaving her mom? Who knows. The point is if she feels uncomfortable, you should support her in getting into a place where she can be at peace - especially after what she has been through.

 

Granted I can understand why it might not be the best situation for you, but my god, this is about HER - NOT you.

[sportsloving]

You stated that you went one day looking for an apartment... are you going again?

 

Your girlfriend has had quite a bit of a rough time, and it is awful to think that she feels she has no options or choices. Her mom kicks her out, she can live with the aunt but it is uncomfortable, she can be roommates with a guy but you have said that you can't and won't handle it, and then you, you said that she and you shouldn't live together because it will upset your parents.

 

Do you have suggestions for your girlfriend other than saying that her becoming roommates with a guy is making you uncomfortable?

 

It seems to me, and this is just my opinion, but your girlfriend only needs your support and the knowledge that you care for her and about what happens to her ... not that you are going to be upset with her choices.

 

She is already in a very harsh and rough situation, do you want to be responsible for making it worse for her?

 

If you want to move in together, please do so. If not, then I don't think you have a right to make her feel worse for wanting a comfortable living situation. She has had enough people running her life (her mom) ... she needs to live for herself.

[tanbark813]

I'm with the other two people who responded. She doesn't have a whole lot of choices here. If it bothers you so much that she might move in with this other guy, then suck it up and move in with her yourself. Otherwise, you don't have a say in it.

 

You stated things that may hurt the relationship, but contributing yourself to making her already difficult living situation even harder isn't exactly going to help the relationship.