How cruel was your fWS during the affair?

[Spark1111]

I am happily reconciled for over four years now and it was no easy feat, but I am proud of where we are today!

 

I told my begging to reconcile spouse two months after dday that I already knew for me, forgiveness would be a three-step process.

 

First, I would have to forgive the affair and that was no easy task, but I did. I knew instinctually that it had nothing to do with me. Unfortunately, it took four years for my emotions to catch up with my logic.

 

Secondly, I would have to forgive the lying to my face everyday. That IS the second question: How could you/did you do this to me, to us????? Much harder.

 

Last, but not least, was regaining the respect I had for this man. I knew I loved him, always did, but respect him? The last task would be the hardest for me but I made it.

 

Part of the problem was how nasty he was --how cruel he became--during his 18 month affair! He became cold, comtemptuous and mean.

 

The kids and I chalked it up to job stress. He had just received a high-paying, stressful job we had been praying for. Yet, his entire personality changed, not only towards me, but towards his children, our family, our friends. We ALL began walking on eggshells not knowing WHY or WHAT had happened.

 

I thought we had turned a corner after a bout of joblessness and back injury that had caused him to be addicted to pain meds! But it was at the new job that he crashed into her. Finding out about her and the affair was a relief almost, because for 18 months I had NO IDEA why he was falling out of love with me. Neither did my young adult children.

 

So, in the interest of enlightening others who claim "his marriage is their business," and "let him go back to his miserable marriage," this thread is to enlighten you how miserable he made all of us.

 

Hmmm...he told her I did not love him and hadn't for a long time, so now he no longer had to love me, I guess. He was free to love her. News to me.

 

He claimed I was only here for the paycheck. I was working three jobs.

 

He claimed I was too good for him; that he had married "up," again as a justification. So what did that tell her? That she was a comfortable step down? How insulting to both of us!

 

He felt our young adult children were mooching off of him, just here for the money. Forget that he had been basically unemployed for a long time and they were trying to get on their feet financially. He "forgot" that. She encouraged him to kick them all out, but please, take her child to an expensive theme park after they had broken up.

 

He found fault with us for not "helping" him more around the house. He became a chronic complainer about everything we did or said or didn't do. He started pinching every penny for the household...this while he was lavishing gifts, dinners, and weekend trips on her.

 

What else? Oh yeah, sex. She was soooooo disappointed to hear we rarely to never had sex. (We had sex at least twice a week during his affair!)

 

He then told her we were no longer having sex. (Such a lie!)

 

She then convinced him that I must have a boyfriend. He started to believe it and grew angrier at me. HUH???????

 

It is hard today to believe this person even existed, but he did. For the halo to sit on her head, I guess the devil horns had to be squarely placed on mine.

 

I'd call him at work, and he'd snap, "What is it?" We'd have a function to attend, and he'd snap, "YOU go. I have to work."

 

We'd celebrate his birthday and the kids would go out of there way to make it special for him, while he sat quiet and remote and sad and far away as they tried harder and harder to make him happy. How sad!

 

OW/OM, he had to hate us to love you. And you helped him to do that. I forgive you, but I just wanted to know what the man of the year, the father of the year, was acting at home while with you.

 

IN retrospect, I think it was a very cowardly way to make me hate him to the point that I would divorce him, that I would be the bad guy, so he did not have to be. It was also used to fuel you to hate me too.

 

Whatever it took to keep the fantasy and delusional thinking alive.

 

Anyone relate to this?

 

Thoughts? Comments?

[OpenBook]

Part of the problem was how nasty he was --how cruel he became--during his 18 month affair! He became cold, comtemptuous and mean...

 

(We had sex at least twice a week during his affair!)

 

 

This is rather a stretch to believe... unless you're into S&M or something? Why else would you regularly have sex with a cruel and nasty man?

 

First, I would have to forgive the affair and that was no easy task, but I did. I knew instinctually that it had nothing to do with me. Unfortunately, it took four years for my emotions to catch up with my logic.

 

Sure it didn't. And you didn't have to lift a finger to do anything different in your M to restore it - your H had to do all the work?

 

I am happily reconciled for over four years now and it was no easy feat, but I am proud of where we are today!

 

I'm not buying this. You keep reliving it here! using LS as a virtual stand-in for your H's OW to tell her what you think of her. And it's interesting how you worded that: "I am happily reconciled" as opposed to "We are happily reconciled."

 

You're not over your H's infidelity at all.

 

You asked for comments. This is what I see.

[sad puppy]

"How cruel was your fws during the affair"?

 

Why are you posing that question here?

 

Why is this posted here, instead of the Infidelity forum?

[OpenBook]

She clearly posted it here in the ow section by mistake as the title addresses it to other BS's.

 

I don't think it was a mistake at all.

 

She even addresses the OW directly in her OP:

 

 

OW/OM, he had to hate us to love you. And you helped him to do that. I forgive you, but I just wanted to know what the man of the year, the father of the year, was acting at home while with you.

 

IN retrospect, I think it was a very cowardly way to make me hate him to the point that I would divorce him, that I would be the bad guy, so he did not have to be. It was also used to fuel you to hate me too.

 

 

I think this is her message to her H's OW, through us.

[Spark1111]

whoops! This was actually not meant for this forum.

 

This was in response to someone in pain, and I decided to start my own thread.

 

Apologies.

 

How do I have it moved?

[Spark1111]

This is rather a stretch to believe... unless you're into S&M or something? Why else would you regularly have sex with a cruel and nasty man?

 

 

 

Sure it didn't. And you didn't have to lift a finger to do anything different in your M to restore it - your H had to do all the work?

 

 

 

I'm not buying this. You keep reliving it here! using LS as a virtual stand-in for your H's OW to tell her what you think of her. And it's interesting how you worded that: "I am happily reconciled" as opposed to "We are happily reconciled."

 

You're not over your H's infidelity at all.

 

You asked for comments. This is what I see.

 

Thanks for your insight!

 

Yes, we had sex ALOT. It was one of the things that hurt me the most. I used it as a barometer that we were still okay, despite the daytime distance, because at night, we could never keep our hands off each other.

 

Go figure.

 

And I told my H's OW what I thought of her directly, in a phone call. I do not need to hide behind a forum to do that.

 

And posting here was a mistake, the first I have ever made at LS.

 

I do not know your back story, OB. But none of this truly relates to the thread.

 

If you were an OW, did you think your xMM was a poor misunderstood prince of a guy at home?

 

Maybe he was. And maybe he was a total ba33ard.

[Spark1111]

Click the Alert Us on your OP and let Tony know in the comment that you accidentally posted it in the wrong forum.

 

Thanks so much! Done.

[Spark1111]

Thanks for your insight!

 

Yes, we had sex ALOT. It was one of the things that hurt me the most. I used it as a barometer that we were still okay, despite the daytime distance, because at night, we could never keep our hands off each other.

 

Go figure.

 

And I told my H's OW what I thought of her directly, in a phone call. I do not need to hide behind a forum to do that.

 

And posting here was a mistake, the first I have ever made at LS.

 

I do not know your back story, OB. But none of this truly relates to the thread.

 

If you were an OW, did you think your xMM was a poor misunderstood prince of a guy at home?

 

Maybe he was. And maybe he was a total ba33ard.

 

OB, all the three things you singled out regarding me, is it possible you are not healed from your affair?

 

Did you ever stop to think what the man was truly like at home? How he treated his wife and kids while with you?

 

Or did you, like the OW in my sitch, believe every lying word that came out of his mouth?

[bentnotbroken]

How cruel....let me count the ways. :rolleyes:

• He gas lighted me.
  
• He let my children see him out with the ow.
  
• He exposed me to STD's
  
• He made feel so bad about myself all the time that I thought the only kindness I could do for my family was to commit suicide.
  
• He hid assets
  
• He brought her into our home and our bed
  
• He allowed her to roam my house
  
• He had sex with her in the family room
  
• He let her park in the garage....on my side.
  
• He talked badly about the children to her
  
• He treated the children as if they were nothing because they didn't support him or condone his behavior.
  

That's enough of the bad vibes....let's party cause life is good. :bunny::bunny:

[OpenBook]

OB, all the three things you singled out regarding me, is it possible you are not healed from your affair?

 

This thread isn't about me. It's about you. Or did I misinterpret your OP?

 

Thanks for your insight!

 

You're welcome.

 

I do not know your back story, OB. But none of this truly relates to the thread.

 

I directly commented on various points in your OP which you specifically asked for feedback on. Clearly it wasn't what you wanted to hear. I must have missed the part where you asked only for non-challenging responses.

[Spark1111]

How cruel....let me count the ways. :rolleyes:

• He gas lighted me.
  
• He let my children see him out with the ow.
  
• He exposed me to STD's
  
• He made feel so bad about myself all the time that I thought the only kindness I could do for my family was to commit suicide.
  
• He hid assets
  
• He brought her into our home and our bed
  
• He allowed her to roam my house
  
• He had sex with her in the family room
  
• He let her park in the garage....on my side.
  
• He talked badly about the children to her
  
• He treated the children as if they were nothing because they didn't support him or condone his behavior.
  

That's enough of the bad vibes....let's party cause life is good. :bunny::bunny:

 

Wow Bent, I'm speechless.

 

A: Is he a narcissist?

 

B: What was his relationship with his mother? Because this relentless punishment of you was definitely the acting out of some very dysfunctional childhood drama. How mean a mommy, projected on you, was she?

 

C: I takes a very special woman to agree to have sex in the wife's home. Is he still with her? Ayeyayay!

[bentnotbroken]

Wow Bent, I'm speechless.

 

A: Is he a narcissist?

 

B: What was his relationship with his mother? Because this relentless punishment of you was definitely the acting out of some very dysfunctional childhood drama. How mean a mommy, projected on you, was she?

 

C: I takes a very special woman to agree to have sex in the wife's home. Is he still with her? Ayeyayay!

 

 

Diagnosed. His mom is great. I believe she was a good mother. She is a great MIL. I think he is what kept us at odds. Now he isn't between us..things are good. I think they both are so special, they aren't together. The game players didn't like the rules of the game after I changed them.

[18Years2Late]

Wow Bent, I'm speechless.

 

A: Is he a narcissist?

 

B: What was his relationship with his mother? Because this relentless punishment of you was definitely the acting out of some very dysfunctional childhood drama. How mean a mommy, projected on you, was she?

 

C: I takes a very special woman to agree to have sex in the wife's home. Is he still with her? Ayeyayay!

 

And it takes an extremely special man to ask...

 

xMM told me once if I ever came to visit him in his state (never happened)...that we would stay at his house?!?!?!?!?!?...excuse me u delusional a-hole?!?!?...I think the sane space aliens that rotted your heart must have gotten away with your brain too...hate it when that happens...

 

I think not only does a MM who does it or even asks has no respect for either woman he's stringing along...or his kids who also live there...or even his dog...

[frozensprouts]

i really think that, in a twisted way, it makes sense that a wayward spouse would treat their betrayed spouse badly and undergo some pretty serious personality shifts as well.

 

I say this because, unless they are an absolutely self entitled person,then they would have to feel at least some twinge of guilt, which would affect their behavior. they may very well also seek to validate their actions by creating conflict, thus reinforcing their reasons for cheating, even to the point of creating issues and conflict where none existed previous to the affair.

 

on some level, they know what they are doing is wrong and hurtful and this affects their behavior.

 

Personally, i'd be very cautious of a spouse who was able to act as if nothing was out of the ordinary, as this would indicate that the fact that they are doing something so hurtful to their husband/wife without caring about it or being affected by it. This would make me wonder if they really had any conscience at all.

 

As for the idea that people only cheat if a marriage is bad, that is a fallacy. My example of this is my own marriage ( was told by our councilor and my husband's psychiatrist that his cheating really had little or nothing to do with me. It was due to issues outside our marriage). In situations like this, the problem is within the wayward spouse themselves, and extended into other areas besides our marriage.

[bentnotbroken]

I was recently asked, "what happened to us?". My response, WTF?

[SoMovinOn]

Spark ... your three steps involve forgiveness and regaining respect. What about regaining trust (or is that lumped in with respect)?

[xxoo]

Last, but not least, was regaining the respect I had for this man. I knew I loved him, always did, but respect him? The last task would be the hardest for me but I made it.

 

Does he know that you post here, and the nature of your posts?

 

Does he feel it is respectful to detail his failings online?

 

I can understand the need to vent. I just can't fully see the respect (not saying he deserves any different).

[MissBee]

Does he know that you post here, and the nature of your posts?

 

Does he feel it is respectful to detail his failings online?

 

I can understand the need to vent. I just can't fully see the respect (not saying he deserves any different).

 

xoxo....the forum is anonymous. None of us know Spark or her husband personally. Most of us don't ask the people we discuss here for permission...simply because that is the point of an anonymous board: to say what we'd like without censorship.

 

It would only be disrespectful IMO if this was a room full of her family and friends or if she told us his name, showed us his picture etc. where we'd all now know who it is. Otherwise, discussing the FORMER actions of your husband, anonymously and using your story to help others is not disrespectful, IMHO. Especially since this is all retrospective, how he was and not who he is now. But the main point is that we don't know him or her and therefore he is not tied to the words here IRL, so I don't see the problem.

[whichwayisup]

Does he know that you post here, and the nature of your posts?

 

Does he feel it is respectful to detail his failings online?

 

I can understand the need to vent. I just can't fully see the respect (not saying he deserves any different).

 

Is it fair of an OW or OM to post details of MM or MW's life and marriage? Or their affair in detail? This is kind of a mute point. Almost every single person posting on LS, not only in this section, but ALL over, post in detail about their life, their situation and problem.

 

Look in friendship (2 friends fallout, details provided.) Look in break up's, many details provided.

[Gentlegirl2]

I was recently asked, "what happened to us?". My response, WTF?

 

Bent I just love it WTF else would one say?

 

GG

[xxoo]

xoxo....the forum is anonymous. None of us know Spark or her husband personally. Most of us don't ask the people we discuss here for permission...simply because that is the point of an anonymous board: to say what we'd like without censorship.

 

It would only be disrespectful IMO if this was a room full of her family and friends or if she told us his name, showed us his picture etc. where we'd all now know who it is. Otherwise, discussing the FORMER actions of your husband, anonymously and using your story to help others is not disrespectful, IMHO. Especially since this is all retrospective, how he was and not who he is now. But the main point is that we don't know him or her and therefore he is not tied to the words here IRL, so I don't see the problem.

 

I didn't say it was necessarily wrong of her to post. There is a need to process after such a hurt, and this is one decent way.

 

I find a disconnect between being over it, and having respect for him, and posting about him and his actions this way.

 

About being anonymous--partners do find LS. It has happened before. Especially in couples that share computers, passwords, etc.

 

Again--it is just the disconnect between having respect for him, and having a (possibly) secret LS acct where she continues to detail his failings.

 

If he does know about the acct, then it really is his call as to whether or not he feels respected by what she says here.

 

I wonder if it is possible to fully regain respect. Honest question.

[skywriter]

OW/OM, he had to hate us to love you. And you helped him to do that. I forgive you, but I just wanted to know what the man of the year, the father of the year, was acting at home while with you.

 

 

HUh? I'm not sure about this statement, (OW/ OM).

[Stellar Wench]

Spark ... your three steps involve forgiveness and regaining respect. What about regaining trust (or is that lumped in with respect)?

Do you trust people that you don't respect?

 

Does he know that you post here, and the nature of your posts?

 

Does he feel it is respectful to detail his failings online?

 

I can understand the need to vent. I just can't fully see the respect (not saying he deserves any different).

The truth can be ugly, but it has no agenda. If everyone stopped posting the truth about their pasts in order to be respectful, there wouldn't be a forum.

[Spark1111]

And it takes an extremely special man to ask...

 

xMM told me once if I ever came to visit him in his state (never happened)...that we would stay at his house?!?!?!?!?!?...excuse me u delusional a-hole?!?!?...I think the sane space aliens that rotted your heart must have gotten away with your brain too...hate it when that happens...

 

I think not only does a MM who does it or even asks has no respect for either woman he's stringing along...or his kids who also live there...or even his dog...

 

Yes, it absolutely reeks of teenage rebellion, doesn't it? Nevermind the direspect glaringly obvious to BOTH women.

[Spark1111]

i really think that, in a twisted way, it makes sense that a wayward spouse would treat their betrayed spouse badly and undergo some pretty serious personality shifts as well.

 

I say this because, unless they are an absolutely self entitled person,then they would have to feel at least some twinge of guilt, which would affect their behavior. they may very well also seek to validate their actions by creating conflict, thus reinforcing their reasons for cheating, even to the point of creating issues and conflict where none existed previous to the affair.

 

on some level, they know what they are doing is wrong and hurtful and this affects their behavior.

 

Personally, i'd be very cautious of a spouse who was able to act as if nothing was out of the ordinary, as this would indicate that the fact that they are doing something so hurtful to their husband/wife without caring about it or being affected by it. This would make me wonder if they really had any conscience at all.

 

As for the idea that people only cheat if a marriage is bad, that is a fallacy. My example of this is my own marriage ( was told by our councilor and my husband's psychiatrist that his cheating really had little or nothing to do with me. It was due to issues outside our marriage). In situations like this, the problem is within the wayward spouse themselves, and extended into other areas besides our marriage.

 

A spouse able to act as if absolutely nothing is wrong is either a sociopath, or sooo deeply able to compartmentalize that their issues run very, very deep.

 

Good points, FS. I hadn't really looked at it that way before that it could've been a symptom of something much more pathological.