How cruel was your fWS during the affair?

[Spark1111]

Spark ... your three steps involve forgiveness and regaining respect. What about regaining trust (or is that lumped in with respect)?

 

Forgiveness for the affair: We were in a very grueling time in our marriage; trying to climb out of massive debt, issues with family and friends.

 

And while I like to think I would never have an affair, I do understand the vulnerability that can lead to one. Had some attractive, caring man start to listen and empathize with my tale of woe, hang on my every word and start gazing at me with adoring eyes, who knows? I DO like to believe I would have TOLD the truth of it though, and separated first.

 

Step two is regaining trust. And to do that, I had to know every detail of every lie told to my face, plus total transparency and remorse on his part. This took a very long time, and I put that man through hell. I had a bag packed and a plan in place for a very long time.

 

Like I have said over and over, it is not the feelings for another, it is the daily betrayals: lying, sneaking around, that just kill.

 

Respect is the final frontier. You've processed it, you understand it, you forgave it and you have forged a stronger, more authentic and honest relationship. MY H is a different man today towards me and I am relishing it.

 

But there will always be that small voice that whispers, "Why couldn't it have always been so?" And dealing with resentment may be the last hurdle to attaining respect.

[Spark1111]

Does he know that you post here, and the nature of your posts?

 

Does he feel it is respectful to detail his failings online?

 

I can understand the need to vent. I just can't fully see the respect (not saying he deserves any different).

 

Oh, yes. He has access to all my passwords and I have of his. Today, we share everything.

 

I frequently ask him for his insight on all of it. This is a process that is painful to both of us, but les so as time goes on and we keep communicating.

 

He understands my need to "pay it forward" and he respect that.

 

One of the first things we (he) learned by reading at LS, is his affair was not unique; that it followed the script; that it was pretty typical.

 

One of the the first things I learned was my feelings of betrayal and pain and confusion were shared by others here, and they helped me- us!- that I was typical.

[Spark1111]

I didn't say it was necessarily wrong of her to post. There is a need to process after such a hurt, and this is one decent way.

 

I find a disconnect between being over it, and having respect for him, and posting about him and his actions this way.

 

About being anonymous--partners do find LS. It has happened before. Especially in couples that share computers, passwords, etc.

 

Again--it is just the disconnect between having respect for him, and having a (possibly) secret LS acct where she continues to detail his failings.

 

If he does know about the acct, then it really is his call as to whether or not he feels respected by what she says here.

 

I wonder if it is possible to fully regain respect. Honest question.

 

We look at the affair as an aberration in a long, healthy and loving relationship.

 

We have worked so hard to understand what caused it, why we suffered through it, and are so proud we have emerged on the other side.

 

Speaking honestly about our experience may help others understand that it can be survivable, but that it takes two.

 

There was a post where someone, who had recently had a dday, was reeling in pain and stating how mean and snappish her spouse was during the affair.

 

I wanted her to know that it is fairly common and not so unusual for the WS to act that way.

 

Others agreed, so I started this thread. Unfortunately and accidentally, in the wrong forum.

 

I am awaiting the moving man to "Infidelity."

[Spark1111]

OW/OM, he had to hate us to love you. And you helped him to do that. I forgive you, but I just wanted to know what the man of the year, the father of the year, was acting at home while with you.

 

 

HUh? I'm not sure about this statement, (OW/ OM).

 

Let me explain: She was a nice woman, a vulnerable one. She would have never engaged in an affair, I believe, if he had not started complaining about his "unhappiness." She too, was unhappy with an xH. It became a bond at work.

 

It's the most dangerous boundary to cross, speaking negatively of your relationship with anyone but that person.

 

They created a negative world that had two villians, me and her xH. And it had to be fueled daily, so offense was looked for, or created and taken. I could not do or say anything right.

 

Read up, folks. This is TYPICAL.

 

After a while, he NEEDS to believe he is superior to mean xH; she NEEDS to believe she would be a much finer steward of him and his needs. Now, they fuel each other's unhappiness as a means to stay together and justify the affair.

 

She doesn't know me at all, but absolutely hates me; and that may be the first person to feel that way about me. So, I forgive her.

[xxoo]

Glad to hear he is aware of the posts, and is ok with it.

 

I guess it is that residual bit of resentment that comes across. Understandable resentment. I do think it is good to acknowledge it, if it is there. People coming here considering reconciliation, or leaving, should hear the realities of both--not just the good parts.

[Spark1111]

Glad to hear he is aware of the posts, and is ok with it.

 

I guess it is that residual bit of resentment that comes across. Understandable resentment. I do think it is good to acknowledge it, if it is there. People coming here considering reconciliation, or leaving, should hear the realities of both--not just the good parts.

 

xxoo: The resentment was/is huge, and still needs fine-tuning. If you have never been betrayed by someone you love in this manner, it is hard to describe.

 

It is like having the A student mentality: I did everything 'right" and still was betrayed.

 

I loved my husband deeply and supported him through all, as I think you do too based on what I have read of your posts.

 

We had a passionate relationship; people admired our friendship and strength.

 

I think if it could happen to us, it could happen to anyone.

 

As for respect, yes I agree it is a two way street.

 

And having a secret affair is one of the most disrespectful acts a spouse can undertake.

 

Even our young adult children asked him why he didn't tell the truth and separate? As much as that would have hurt, we would have respected his honesty and we too wouldn't have had to endure the misery we were subjected to.

[donnamaybe]

Clearly some ow don't want to face the damage they help inflict on someone else and Spark's post gets a little too close for comfort and it's also a reminder that most mm do love their wife and want reconciliation, ow don't want to hear that either.

Clearly. And, also clearly, they don't want to have to admit to themselves that they buy into the myriad of lies told by the WS.

[donnamaybe]

I didn't say it was necessarily wrong of her to post. There is a need to process after such a hurt, and this is one decent way.

 

I find a disconnect between being over it, and having respect for him, and posting about him and his actions this way.

 

About being anonymous--partners do find LS. It has happened before. Especially in couples that share computers, passwords, etc.

 

Again--it is just the disconnect between having respect for him, and having a (possibly) secret LS acct where she continues to detail his failings.

 

If he does know about the acct, then it really is his call as to whether or not he feels respected by what she says here.

 

I wonder if it is possible to fully regain respect. Honest question.

Spark has stated over and over again in this forum that she continues to come here to help others who may be going through what she already has. Clearly, this thread was for that purpose. What's the big deal? Does everyone on LS currently need an "issue" they aren't over yet to post here? Do YOU have an "issue" you aren't over yet?

[xxoo]

I loved my husband deeply and supported him through all, as I think you do too based on what I have read of your posts.

 

We had a passionate relationship; people admired our friendship and strength.

 

I think if it could happen to us, it could happen to anyone.

 

Probably true!

 

I don't want you to think I am criticizing you. I admire the love, forgiveness, and commitment in your marriage.

 

But the reality of working through resentment 4 years later....that is a real part of the reconciliation process, too. I'd be interested in learning if it ever disappears, and if so, how and when.

 

I think that is important wisdom for people who have reconciled to hand down.

 

I do think that some longtime reconciled BSs post here without any perceivable resentment. Whether they feel it and don't express it is another question.

Edited March 14, 2012 by xxoo

[Spark1111]

Probably true!

 

I don't want you to think I am criticizing you. I admire the love, forgiveness, and commitment in your marriage.

 

But the reality of working through resentment 4 years later....that is a real part of the reconciliation process, too. I'd be interested in learning if it ever disappears, and if so, how and when.

 

I think that is important wisdom for people who have reconciled to hand down.

 

I do think that some longtime reconciled BSs post here without any perceivable resentment. Whether they feel it and don't express it is another question.

 

Well, it was here that I learned 2 to 5 years is NORMAL in the reconciliation process, IF all is tended to correctly. I, we are normal.

 

Another site informed me that the "correctly" was IC, MC, and the courage needed for the WS to divulge honestly all the details of the A the BS needed to know; that more marriages blow apart in the handling of the aftermath of an affair because people do not learn the process and actions necessary to be successful, NOT because of the actual affair; and trickle-truthing kills more Rs than anything else.

 

The resentment is fading and only time took care of that one.

[Spark1111]

Clearly. And, also clearly, they don't want to have to admit to themselves that they buy into the myriad of lies told by the WS.

 

I continue to be amazed that of all the things I have bled truthfully from my heart all over these forums, having sex with my spouse during the A is the one that ignites the most attention, contempt and fury.

 

People just gotta grow up about that one, because in many, not ALL affairs, that too is very typical.

 

Look, hold any opinion you want, but IMO, as long as you hold onto villians and heroes in the triangle, you haven't healed or grown at all....and I do not care how many years it has been.

 

Some A's ARE about sex, no matter what is spoken; some are about love; some are about emotional validation and attention; others are about revenge.

 

And some can be a mix of all of the above.

[frozensprouts]

I continue to be amazed that of all the things I have bled truthfully from my heart all over these forums, having sex with my spouse during the A is the one that ignites the most attention, contempt and fury.

 

People just gotta grow up about that one, because in many, not ALL affairs, that too is very typical.

 

Look, hold any opinion you want, but IMO, as long as you hold onto villians and heroes in the triangle, you haven't healed or grown at all....and I do not care how many years it has been.

 

Some A's ARE about sex, no matter what is spoken; some are about love; some are about emotional validation and attention; others are about revenge.

 

And some can be a mix of all of the above.

 

 

I can't speak for wives who are having an affair, but lots of married guys who are cheating will continue to have sex with their wives...

 

look at it this way...

 

as hard as it may be to believe and as twisted as it may seem, many men and women who cheat do still love their spouses, and thus they have sex with them

 

in the case of men, if he stops asking for sex, many wives would get suspicious or wonder what what going on if a guy who suddenly wanted sex frequently suddenly stopped. thus , having sex is a way of butt covering for them.

 

and finally, many guys are able to separate emotion from sex. thus, if their wife at home is still willing to have sex with them, then they go for it. That way they get to have sex with two different women, an for some guys that is very appealing

 

personally, i don't think i could ever do that, but there's people who can

[Spark1111]

The majority of women tend to not be able to have sex with someone else when they are in love and they can't understand how men can, so that translates into shock when they find out that what is true for them, isn't true for the man who said that they loved them. As evidenced by reading here everyday almost every ow assumes that mm is very unhappy in his marriage or else he wouldn't be having the affair. Most take it a step farther and assume that since they are so unhappy that it also means they will leave the marriage. A whole lot of wrong assumptions. Add in the lies that mm tell the ow that make the wife look bad and how he doesn't love her anymore so the ow is usually shocked when she finds out that he has been having sex with that wife he claims to hate or dislike so much.

 

Oh, I understand about wrong assumptions. Trust, me, we fBSs NOW know we had them too.

 

And it is VERY important to educate one's self to the differences between men and woman....VERY!

 

LadyGrey, I learned the first year the differences between men and women thought processes while in an affair the very first year I was reading here and elsewhere.

 

I read and researched everything I could get my hands on to reach an understanding about what happened to me and us.

 

It fractures me that some, who have been reading and posting longer than I, are still so determined to hold onto their very rigid romantic projections than the actual TYPICAL realities in an affair.

 

I think as long as you still harbor anger to anyone in the triangle, you still do not understand the typical dynamics of an affair. You still haven't healed.

[skywriter]

Let me explain: She was a nice woman, a vulnerable one. She would have never engaged in an affair, I believe, if he had not started complaining about his "unhappiness." She too, was unhappy with an xH. It became a bond at work.

 

It's the most dangerous boundary to cross, speaking negatively of your relationship with anyone but that person.

 

They created a negative world that had two villians, me and her xH. And it had to be fueled daily, so offense was looked for, or created and taken. I could not do or say anything right.

 

Read up, folks. This is TYPICAL.

 

After a while, he NEEDS to believe he is superior to mean xH; she NEEDS to believe she would be a much finer steward of him and his needs. Now, they fuel each other's unhappiness as a means to stay together and justify the affair.

 

She doesn't know me at all, but absolutely hates me; and that may be the first person to feel that way about me. So, I forgive her.

 

Ok, I understand and that's just silly. I have a mind of my own and I don't have to blame the MM's W for what I chose to do.

 

However, everyone has their own way of dealing.

[frozensprouts]

The majority of women tend to not be able to have sex with someone else when they are in love and they can't understand how men can, so that translates into shock when they find out that what is true for them, isn't true for the man who said that they loved them. As evidenced by reading here everyday almost every ow assumes that mm is very unhappy in his marriage or else he wouldn't be having the affair. Most take it a step farther and assume that since they are so unhappy that it also means they will leave the marriage. A whole lot of wrong assumptions. Add in the lies that mm tell the ow that make the wife look bad and how he doesn't love her anymore so the ow is usually shocked when she finds out that he has been having sex with that wife he claims to hate or dislike so much.

 

 

after having read thread on here for a few years now, I really think that there is a lot of misconceptions on both sides about what is going on...a lot of other men/women don't know what is going on at home for their affair partner, and a lot of spouses have no idea what it's like to be "the other man/woman" and what their spouse says to or does with them.

 

the whole situation is, in my opinion really screwed up, and, in the end, perhaps the final result is just a whole lot of emotional turmoil for everyone involved, including the person cheating

 

I don't think all cheaters are "evil" or horrible rotten people (mind you, some are) but I do believe that many of them have problems with dealing with conflict, boundaries, acting out, etc... it's almost like they are stuck at the level of an adolescent. This doesn't make them "bad", just people with issues. It's just too bad that their issues end up negatively affecting at least two people whom they care about.

[Spark1111]

I can't speak for wives who are having an affair, but lots of married guys who are cheating will continue to have sex with their wives...

 

look at it this way...

 

as hard as it may be to believe and as twisted as it may seem, many men and women who cheat do still love their spouses, and thus they have sex with them

 

in the case of men, if he stops asking for sex, many wives would get suspicious or wonder what what going on if a guy who suddenly wanted sex frequently suddenly stopped. thus , having sex is a way of butt covering for them.

 

and finally, many guys are able to separate emotion from sex. thus, if their wife at home is still willing to have sex with them, then they go for it. That way they get to have sex with two different women, an for some guys that is very appealing

 

personally, i don't think i could ever do that, but there's people who can

 

Diversionary tactic? Could be, but I think men have less control over there "ahem" performance than people think.

 

Women do seem to be emotionally connected, and very well may stop sleeping with the spouse. But then again, we can still accomodate to diflect attention.

 

Men, much less so, and yes, I do not think it bothers them all that much to do so.

[MissBee]

I didn't say it was necessarily wrong of her to post. There is a need to process after such a hurt, and this is one decent way.

 

I find a disconnect between being over it, and having respect for him, and posting about him and his actions this way.

 

About being anonymous--partners do find LS. It has happened before. Especially in couples that share computers, passwords, etc.

 

Again--it is just the disconnect between having respect for him, and having a (possibly) secret LS acct where she continues to detail his failings.

 

If he does know about the acct, then it really is his call as to whether or not he feels respected by what she says here.

 

I wonder if it is possible to fully regain respect. Honest question.

 

I would point back to the retrospective tone.

 

One can tell in someone's tone whether they are discussing the past and what was versus the now and their current feelings. Is ANY discussion of the facts of your past saying you aren't over it? I'm seriously asking....as I talk about my past here...I talk about other past events to people IRL that have shaped me...a friend of mine used to live a lifestyle of drugs and sex and all kinds of vice and she talks about it but no one would accuse her of not being over it or longing for it again..as her life now is soooo different and it is evident that she is looking back on what was and taking those lessons and sharing with others versus it being a present reality.

 

To me...that is how Spark's post seem. But I do understand the question of if she respects him now or how so. However, I just don't feel like someone discussing an event that dramatically affected them and changed their outlook....which includes what he used to do...I don't feel like it is linked to respect.I read it as though you're saying if she respected him she would never discuss how she felt during the A or share his former behavior. I can't agree with that. There are public couples who write books about stuff like this...one or both of their failings are memorialized in ink for other couples to see and learn from and they can separate that from their current relationship. I believe one can recover and still talk about what you went through to help others. She is after all on LS and not just "bad mouthing" her husband to all and sundry on a hobby forum,...that would more belie her issues IMO and I'd question the recovery more as it is irrelevant then.

 

Anyway, if he is over it too then he may not have a problem even if he did come across these posts, he may very well be separated from it as who he was then versus now. Only he can say.

[MissBee]

The majority of women tend to not be able to have sex with someone else when they are in love and they can't understand how men can, so that translates into shock when they find out that what is true for them, isn't true for the man who said that they loved them. As evidenced by reading here everyday almost every ow assumes that mm is very unhappy in his marriage or else he wouldn't be having the affair. Most take it a step farther and assume that since they are so unhappy that it also means they will leave the marriage. A whole lot of wrong assumptions. Add in the lies that mm tell the ow that make the wife look bad and how he doesn't love her anymore so the ow is usually shocked when she finds out that he has been having sex with that wife he claims to hate or dislike so much.

 

This is so true. Lots of assumptions go on in As, marriages and regular dating relationships. Lots of people project on to the other and the other projects on to them and they are living a relationship based on fantasies and thinking that what they feel or think is what the other does too, or reading more into things or ignoring what the person tells them or shows them in favor of what they'd rather believe.

 

I recall a thread about how can a MM not love his OW because he called her "honey" or something like that and if people use terms of endearment if they don't mean it. The poster basically believed a MM would never do that unless he truly loved his OW. In all honesty, I was shocked at that thread as that was when I realized the MINUSCULE things people will assume mean more than they do. I was shocked that of all things someone would believe calling someone a nickname was a serious sign of love. But obviously...that perception existed. So how much more will someone attribute larger tokens to love and run with it. Especially when we add how men and women think and operate it leads to a LOT of distortion.

[NoIDidn't]

I continue to be amazed that of all the things I have bled truthfully from my heart all over these forums, having sex with my spouse during the A is the one that ignites the most attention, contempt and fury.

 

People just gotta grow up about that one, because in many, not ALL affairs, that too is very typical.

 

Look, hold any opinion you want, but IMO, as long as you hold onto villians and heroes in the triangle, you haven't healed or grown at all....and I do not care how many years it has been.

 

Some A's ARE about sex, no matter what is spoken; some are about love; some are about emotional validation and attention; others are about revenge.

 

And some can be a mix of all of the above.

 

I'm not amazed at the venom that comes out about the sex you had with your husband during the affair. Its like shining sun light in a dark place. Some would rather think to themselves that it (sex with the W) couldn't happen in their affair.

 

No one wants to believe that the MM is lying to them about the sex with the W. And how could you have sex with a man being mean to you? Hello? You are married to him and he is not likely to always be an angel. Too many OW have this warped view that in order to keep the man's attention they can never show him any negative emotion (or else they will be just like the W that he is trying to leave ).

 

Oh well. If they wish to stay in denial, nothing can be done for that. Even out of the affair, some OP just can't get over the anger they have at the spouse for "being in the way". Misplaced anger, maybe?

 

But on the resentment and anger: respect survives that somewhat. The more the resentment goes down, the more the respect goes up. It also helps to have a husband that is truly remorseful for what he did not just to you but to everything that you held dear. Lack of remorse and dismissiveness only adds to the resentment.

[MissBee]

I'm not amazed at the venom that comes out about the sex you had with your husband during the affair. Its like shining sun light in a dark place. Some would rather think to themselves that it (sex with the W) couldn't happen in their affair.

 

No one wants to believe that the MM is lying to them about the sex with the W. And how could you have sex with a man being mean to you? Hello? You are married to him and he is not likely to always be an angel. Too many OW have this warped view that in order to keep the man's attention they can never show him any negative emotion (or else they will be just like the W that he is trying to leave ).

 

Oh well. If they wish to stay in denial, nothing can be done for that. Even out of the affair, some OP just can't get over the anger they have at the spouse for "being in the way". Misplaced anger, maybe?

 

But on the resentment and anger: respect survives that somewhat. The more the resentment goes down, the more the respect goes up. It also helps to have a husband that is truly remorseful for what he did not just to you but to everything that you held dear. Lack of remorse and dismissiveness only adds to the resentment.

 

To the bolded, I have to say that that was a reasonable question IMO...I thought it too when I read the post, but Spark explained it before I had a chance to ask. Most of the thread was discussing how mean and different and snappy he had become and how they all were on egg shells around him....so it was indeed curious to know how they had frequent intimacy when the home situation seemed so uncomfortable. I have no idea what OpenBook meant when she asked...although I can guess .....but in any event, I too was curious about the same without any hidden motive behind my curiosity. The occasional mood is one thing but what she describes sounded like a palpable discomfort and egg shells that persisted during the A versus the occasional passing mood.

 

Her explanation made sense though and I could then relate with my ex. The idea that you use sex as a barometer to make sure the relationship is okay resonated with me. It obviously can be a very faulty premise....as one can have sex frequently and still not be okay...but I do understand how for women especially we can use that physical intimacy as a sign that we are loved and that our man in being affectionate, esp if during the day his behavior has unexpectedly changed. I went through that with my ex. Outside of sex our relationship had deteriorated and he was always absent, broke promises, was distant, was not affectionate, the list went on, yet when we did have sex (and why did I continue to have sex with him? Which I said to myself about Spark's post, not remembering that I did it too! It's funny how when actions are done by another or spelled out they seem more obvious to you than when you're the one doing it ) it felt passionate and I took it to mean that our relationship was getting better and he was showing me love. I was wrong but I do get how if one is being gaslighted etc one can cling to what seems sure and close and intimate and sex is indeed that.

 

On the sex topic....I think it is actually an important one, I remember there was one thread about Affair Sex...and OW describing it as so amazing...I'm curious about how "affair sex" was for BS's. Was it better than before? Was it less emotionally intimate? For me, while I was not a BS, with my ex, when we were having sex during our troubled times I looked forward to it because I was starving for his affection and attention, yet he only gave it when we were in bed....but afterwards I always felt bad I felt like I was being used. Did any BS's feel the same? Okay I think I'm thread jacking....perhaps I will start another thread in the infidelity section about this.

Edited March 15, 2012 by MissBee

[NoIDidn't]

To the bolded, I have to say that that was a reasonable question IMO...I thought it too when I read the post, but Spark explained it before I had a chance to ask. Most of the thread was discussing how mean and different and snappy he had become and how they all were on egg shells around him....so it was indeed curious to know how they had frequent intimacy when the home situation seemed so uncomfortable. I have no idea what OpenBook meant when she asked...although I can guess .....but in any event, I too was curious about the same without any hidden motive behind my curiosity. The occasional mood is one thing but what she describes sounded like a palpable discomfort and egg shells that persisted during the A versus the occasional passing mood.

 

Her explanation made sense though and I could then relate with my ex. The idea that you use sex as a barometer to make sure the relationship is okay resonated with me. It obviously can be a very faulty premise....as one can have sex frequently and still not be okay...but I do understand how for women especially we can use that physical intimacy as a sign that we are loved and that our man in being affectionate, esp if during the day his behavior has unexpectedly changed. I went through that with my ex. Outside of sex our relationship had deteriorated and he was always absent, broke promises, was distant, was not affectionate, the list went on, yet when we did have sex (and why did I continue to have sex with him? Which I said to myself about Spark's post, not remembering that I did it too! It's funny how when actions are done by another or spelled out they seem more obvious to you than when you're the one doing it ) it felt passionate and I took it to mean that our relationship was getting better and he was showing me love. I was wrong but I do get how if one is being gaslighted etc one can cling to what seems sure and close and intimate and sex is indeed that.

 

On the sex topic....I think it is actually an important one, I remember there was one thread about Affair Sex...and OW describing it as so amazing...I'm curious about how "affair sex" was for BS's. Was it better than before? Was it less emotionally intimate? For me, while I was not a BS, with my ex, when we were having sex during our troubled times I looked forward to it because I was starving for his affection and attention, yet he only gave it when we were in bed....but afterwards I always felt bad I felt like I was being used. Did any BS's feel the same? Okay I think I'm thread jacking....perhaps I will start another thread in the infidelity section about this.

 

See! You did it yourself! I think we all do. It just reads really bad in black and white. LOL. But its obviously not unbelievable like OpenBook made it out to be.

 

On how the married sex was during the affair

Though my husband didn't have sex with his co-worker, he wanted it more and wanted it more passionately than usual. He was adventurous and more uninhibited. Things I have always wanted, but his strict Victorian-esque upbringing seemed to frown upon. This would definitely be an interesting thread full of a myriad of answers.

[Ms. Red]

Spark has stated over and over again in this forum that she continues to come here to help others who may be going through what she already has. Clearly, this thread was for that purpose. What's the big deal? Does everyone on LS currently need an "issue" they aren't over yet to post here? Do YOU have an "issue" you aren't over yet?

 

I have an issue with you Donna. And my issue is that I agree with you.

 

I think like you stated and Spark said, some ppl come here in the beginning with issues and then end up staying long after to give out what they received when they first came.

 

Unfortunately there are ppl here that feel otherwise and think we all have problems or else we wouldn't be here:

 

it is said all the time, people seek out help when they are having issues; most people who are happy and content do not seek out an online forum. kinda silly to even imply content and happy people are spending hours posting on 'help' forums.

[Ms. Red]

We look at the affair as an aberration in a long, healthy and loving relationship.

 

We have worked so hard to understand what caused it, why we suffered through it, and are so proud we have emerged on the other side.

 

Speaking honestly about our experience may help others understand that it can be survivable, but that it takes two.

 

One thing I get from you is that it takes a very strong couple to go through what you have and come out the other side. And I've heard that a true reconciliation is rare. You must have a strong base that may have been invisible to you at certain points on your road but it was always there.

 

It's good to hear these positive posts from you towards your husband and your marriage. I have to admit that I've often wondered how you could talk so much about the negative if you truly have repaired and recovered your marriage. I have also wondered that about others that have reconciled and post about the betrayal continuously. But I've never been through it so what do I know?

 

I'm glad you started this in the wrong forum or else I never would have seen it. The thread has been enlightening for the most part.

[Radagast]

Anyone relate to this?

 

Thoughts? Comments?

 

According to my ex-wife, I was both.

 

Among all the emails she sent me during the divorce were accusations of "leading her on" during the period of the affair, since I had become "unusually helpful" around the house getting on with jobs outside without constant nagging, and "attentive and interested" in the children's lives and well-being, as well as securing a promotion at work and several professional accolades which translated into a flood of international invitations. All of these, she concluded, demonstrated an investment in "our" future. She deduced that I might yet make a satisfactory husband.

 

Were it not for the unspeakable cruelty of my "rejection" of her she accused me of in other emails. How I failed to respond to her attempts at intimacy, her weight loss, her cutting back on her activities to spend more time at home "as a couple", her new hairstyle. How my steadfast lack of interest, sexual or otherwise, led to a complete collapse of her self-esteem, even as I was packing my bags to leave her. So cruel, yet in other ways so loving and kind.

 

I think one sees what one wishes to see. Especially with hindsight.

[donnamaybe]

I think sometimes some might also not experience the same reality as others depending on how they want to perceive themselves and/or their situation, and hindsight only serves to more fully cloud their view.

 

It goes both ways, I'm sure.