Needing guidance - should I leave my husband?

[SarahKnowles]

Dear Friends,

 

It's my first time on the forum, so I hope that the support I can get from here, I can repay to others.

 

My problem is that I don't love my husband anymore and it is causing me so much guilt and pain I am considering ending my life. Please don't worry about that! I am getting help - I just wanted to try and convey how serious my situation is.

 

We have been together for nine years, married for two, no children. When we got married I was sure it was forever and that I would never love another man other than him. Loving him came as easily as breathing. I can't explain how the love has died.

 

I'm a long-time depression sufferer, so I don't know how much of this is me and how much the lying **** that depression is. He is an architect, and lost his job just after we were married. Although he has had work the past two years, it has been paying the minimum wage only, and it is not in his field. He is miserable. We are in a lot of debt. I am not sure how much of my feelings are caused by our lack of money, and the loss of our lifestyle. Our lifestyle isn't what I would have called lavish, but we used to spend time doing things I consider fun but that cost a little money, such as going out to dinner, concerts, out with our friends and for weekends away and modest vacations. These things are no longer.

 

He is a wonderful man. We have never had any problems in our relationship that I would characterise as major. I made a list of pros and cons about him, and all the cons were trivial, and the pros were the kind of things you'd write down as requirements of the man of your dreams! Perhaps the best thing about him is how unreservedly he loves and cherishes me. He's pretty romantic. He allows me to be myself, and loves me despite the horrid person I can sometimes be.

 

The thought of leaving him terrifies me. I can't figure out whether this is because a life without him would be terrifying, or if it's the thought of starting new - living alone, the dating scene, and all that. I feel sick with guilt and dread. I don't like him to touch me, and just his presence reminds me of how I have failed at marriage. He knows how I feel, and I know this hurts him, which I also feel sick and guilty about. I feel like if I can't make it with this perfect guy, who really loves me, what is the point of it all? What is the matter with me? I am in a situation where I feel helpless, bewildered at myself, and really hating myself.

 

The question I asked in the title of this post is, should I leave my husband? When I ask myself why that would be, the only answer I can give myself is that I don't feel about him as I should. I don't even know what that really means.

 

I believe I have realistic expectations about marriage and that it can't be romance and vacations 24 hours a day. I would like to get some support from people who know all about marriage first-hand and might give me some hope that I could somehow regain my love for my husband!

 

Sarah Knowles.

[Philosoraptor]

If you want to leave then leave. But if what you're saying is true it sounds like you are a little depressed too with the situation. In times of trouble a couple must do their best to life one another up and get through things together.

 

How was the communication when he lost his job? Did you lean on and support one another or interalize things? What in the past made you happy with him? Were you happy with him as a person, or with the lifestyle that he helped provide? Look back and see if you could have been happy with the person he was back then, with the life style that you have now.

[denise_xo]

You said you told him how you feel. Have the two of you discussed taking any joint measures to address the situation?

[beenburned]

Sara,

You have been through a lot in your short marriage!

 

Anyone would get depressed at losing their job and struggling financially. Many people(old and young) are in your shoes due to the horrible economy!

 

Your depression triggers feelings of hopelessness, which in turn make you doubt your love for your H.

 

I would suggest MC for you both, and IC for you to better handle your depression.

 

From how you have described your H, he sounds very loving and kind.

 

Don't be so quick to throw in the towel or you might regret it.

[The Blue Knight]

My problem is that I don't love my husband anymore and it is causing me so much guilt and pain I am considering ending my life. Please don't worry about that! I am getting help - I just wanted to try and convey how serious my situation is.

 

We have been together for nine years, married for two, no children. When we got married I was sure it was forever and that I would never love another man other than him. Loving him came as easily as breathing. I can't explain how the love has died.

 

I'm a long-time depression sufferer, so I don't know how much of this is me and how much the lying **** that depression is. He is an architect, and lost his job just after we were married. Although he has had work the past two years, it has been paying the minimum wage only, and it is not in his field. He is miserable. We are in a lot of debt. I am not sure how much of my feelings are caused by our lack of money, and the loss of our lifestyle. Our lifestyle isn't what I would have called lavish, but we used to spend time doing things I consider fun but that cost a little money, such as going out to dinner, concerts, out with our friends and for weekends away and modest vacations. These things are no longer.

 

He is a wonderful man. We have never had any problems in our relationship that I would characterise as major. I made a list of pros and cons about him, and all the cons were trivial, and the pros were the kind of things you'd write down as requirements of the man of your dreams! Perhaps the best thing about him is how unreservedly he loves and cherishes me. He's pretty romantic. He allows me to be myself, and loves me despite the horrid person I can sometimes be.

 

The thought of leaving him terrifies me. I can't figure out whether this is because a life without him would be terrifying, or if it's the thought of starting new - living alone, the dating scene, and all that. I feel sick with guilt and dread. I don't like him to touch me, and just his presence reminds me of how I have failed at marriage. He knows how I feel, and I know this hurts him, which I also feel sick and guilty about. I feel like if I can't make it with this perfect guy, who really loves me, what is the point of it all? What is the matter with me? I am in a situation where I feel helpless, bewildered at myself, and really hating myself.

 

The question I asked in the title of this post is, should I leave my husband? When I ask myself why that would be, the only answer I can give myself is that I don't feel about him as I should. I don't even know what that really means.

 

I believe I have realistic expectations about marriage and that it can't be romance and vacations 24 hours a day. I would like to get some support from people who know all about marriage first-hand and might give me some hope that I could somehow regain my love for my husband!

 

Sarah Knowles.

 

It's hard to tell how much of this is about you (depression) and how much is about him. Whenever someone talks about "feelings" I remind them that feelings come and go and they shouldn't be trusted. They are seldom reliable, but at the same time, it is how you feel. Try the book "Love is a Decision" by Smalley.

 

Amazon.com: Love Is A Decision (9780849942686): Dr. Gary Smalley, Dr. John Trent: Books

 

The premise I'll let someone who posted on another site explain since I'm pressed for time.

___________________

Love is not a feeling, love is a decision you make and continue to make in order to create an experience that is described as love. Love is an action that if you don't use it you lose it. Love is like any communication, if you never send it out, you won’t get a return. Love is something you give to others not something you feel because something happens to you.

 

Most of my life I was under the delusion that love was a feeling, something that was going to happen to me. Love is not something that happens to you but something that you make happen to you and happen to others. Love is something that grows from your actions and decisions and if you don’t have it and or not experiencing it then there is something you don’t know about love! I spent most of my adult life waiting for love to happen to me and after one failed marriage and endless searching for “the right person” I finally realized the truth about love, how to have it, how to create it and how to sustain it.

[SarahKnowles]

Thanks for your advice and support friends, and especially for the tip on the book. I am feeling a bit more confident today that, as you say, love is a decision.

[jackmartin199030]

My husband and I have been married for 8 years... been together 9 (we went to High School together so we knew each other for several years before we got together). We have three children together. Over the years I have struggled with depression and have had major anxiety in getting things done... i.e. cleaning the house, running my business... I was basically living in chaos ALL the time and feeling overwhelmed. Continually felt like I was drowning and just trying to keep my head above water, especially when baby #3 came along. My husband has been my rock. He would ALWAYS pick up the slack for me... cleaning, taking care of the kids when he could, organizing, cooking... everything. Call him amazing... he is!! However, his downfall is that he never had a serious talk with me about how all of this was affecting him. In fact, he was still showing me in little ways that he loved me and so when it all came crashing down, it was very, very confusing. He stated that he had been falling out of love for a long time and was just trying to keep things together but now he has nothing left to give so therefore he wanted to get divorced. Obviously, going through this has forced me to look at myself and really evaluate what I need to be doing in order to get my life back in order. I fell into a huge "funk" that I didn't know how to get out of and felt trapped. And to add on top of all of that I had awful spending habits which resulted in us filing for bk last year. We both now live with each of our parents (not living with each other) and are renting our house out so we don't have a mortgage payment so we can try to get back on our feet again. And what he's telling me now is that he really wants to see me be more independent. He wants me to be emotionally and financially stable. To which he then added, "I'm not saying this so that I can leave you, it just helps me see you be independent." I am struggling with knowing what to do because I am running my own business but it has become so slow because I've been such an emotional wreck that it is almost non-existent. I'm struggling to know if I should continue to work on my business and build it up more or if I should go and get a 40 hr job and put my kids in daycare. We split the kids half and half each week so they would only be going one to two days a week. My business allows me to make my own hours so I can be home with them. They are still little and only go to school half day. To add on top of all of this, he has had an emotional "friendship" affair with another woman at work. And when I asked him to stop the text messaging, at first he said he didn't think that was fair because she's his friend, but then after I explained to him what a huge red flag that is, he told me he would stop. However, this only stopped for maybe three days and then started back up again. I kept watching the bill and bringing it up to him and so eventually he split our cell phone bills so I couldn't see it. Then a couple weeks ago when we were moving out of our house, I had left for a couple days on a trip to "get away," he brought this girl over to our house to help him move our things. I've confronted her and she basically sees nothing wrong with their relationship (I've known her ever since my husband started his job about 5.5 yrs ago and have always liked her but I think she has taken this a bit too far). In the months of June and July of last year my H had 5,500 text messages in each of those months and the majority of those messages were to and from her

[watsluvgot2dowitit]

 

He's a doormat, a nice guy, and no woman wants that.

 

I'm a woman and I must say that most of us women don't know what we want. Or maybe we know, but are afraid of the stigma. If our guys are nice guys we complain, if they really alpha we complain. Imho, I think we are like men in that we too get bored of being with the same spouse forever and ever.Sorry society that just might be the case. We like the thrill of being chased. We like the mystery and excitement. When you're married to the same person for so long sometimes everything becomes routine and you start getting comfortable which equals bored.

[setsenia]

A lot of people are in your boat right now. my H and I have been living on our own the past 5 years, he's only had consistent work for about 1 1/2 off of that and on. He has had a trust that helps him with basic living needs and with the high cost of living here, it has dwindled down quite a bit. I feel like I am becoming resentful and blaming him for the situation because I feel for someone his age, he should have a stable job, especially since he has a certificate and an associates degree. I always feel resentful when I hear of someone younger than him making a decent living wage and he cannot even find something barely more than minimum wage with an associates in business. He should be able to find SOMETHING. I know the economy has been rough, but I've managed to have jobs at least slightly more than 3 of 4 1/2 years. I feel like it has really taken a toll on our love life and sex life. I told him he needs to find something fast if we are to continue living on our own. We've been going to school the last several years and I feel we should both have stable decent paying jobs right now without the school schedule conflict and ability to work anytime.

 

I am at the point where I've lost patience. He needs to find something so we can become financially independent, because I really am tired of living this way and never having any money. I told him this too, something needs to change because I simply cannot handle the jobless situation anymore. When he had this last job it was for 3 months and they put him on seasonal lay-off because of business decline. I know it's not his fault, but it's frustrating the company didn't disclose to him that it might be temp to hire depending on business needs. I mean, if you know the business fluctuates each year during certain seasons (which they did) why hire someone and promise them permanent work?

Edited March 18, 2012 by setsenia

[Duckduckgoose]

The title says it all.

 

In all seriousness unemployment is one of those storms of life. You don't abandon ship when things are good, why abandon ship when things are bad? Not having a good job because of a bad economy is a temporary situation.

 

My exH left me when I was unemployed, and kind of down and out about it. I was the one with the degree and the breadwinner basically. I was getting unemployment compensation. I don't think he specifically left because of the situation but I'm sure it contributed. He left me with all the bills and burdens too

 

Well a few months after he left I got a better paying job than I had when we were married. He is kicking himself in the ass right now... I guess when you kick someone when they're down and they pick themselves up all you can do is kick yourself for kicking them and they're not there anymore.

 

Your depression sounds like a factor in this situation. I mean why would you throw away an awesome man? They are difficult to come by nowadays... just check the dating board or divorce board on this website.

 

The best relationships happen when you stick it out through the good and bad. You don't bail just because its a rough spot.

[dreamingoftigers]

The title says it all.

 

In all seriousness unemployment is one of those storms of life. You don't abandon ship when things are good, why abandon ship when things are bad? Not having a good job because of a bad economy is a temporary situation.

 

My exH left me when I was unemployed, and kind of down and out about it. I was the one with the degree and the breadwinner basically. I was getting unemployment compensation. I don't think he specifically left because of the situation but I'm sure it contributed. He left me with all the bills and burdens too

 

Well a few months after he left I got a better paying job than I had when we were married. He is kicking himself in the ass right now... I guess when you kick someone when they're down and they pick themselves up all you can do

is kick yourself for kicking them and they're not there anymore.

 

Your depression sounds like a factor in this situation.

I mean why would you throw away an awesome man? They are difficult to come by nowadays... just check the dating board or divorce board on this website.

 

The best relationships happen when you stick it out through the good and bad. You don't bail just because its a rough spot.

 

Totally true.

 

I'm still mad that that asshat ditched you!

[analystfromhell]

"In all seriousness unemployment is one of those storms of life. You don't abandon ship when things are good, why abandon ship when things are bad? Not having a good job because of a bad economy is a temporary situation."

 

This. hearing people complain about their spouse not having a job if that person is doing their best, not abusing drugs, etc sounds really, really bad.. I feel for the spouse in a lot of ways more than the complainer. The economy completely sucks...

 

A lot of descriptions have a huge dose of entitlement embedded in them. I'm sure that's not what's meant but it just came across loud and clear. Each of us in the relationship has to support one another- it's not one person's job to support the other out of obligation or entitlement, only love. Our families are lucky to have a single job in this economy and there are really no safety nets in place. A relationship yu should expect bad times and both of you should both do your best to support the other. Any sense that the other person is in any way more obligated to chip in financially than the other person is an outmoded and frankly offensive attitude.

 

Let's hope all of us find our way out of this financial crash and do our best to make sure people are held accountable to help everyone recover. Remember, even at the most micro level each of us is responsible for ourselves and our loved ones.

[threebyfate]

Sarah, are you working? If not, a job might be in order prior to taking any action.

[Duckduckgoose]

Totally true.

 

I'm still mad that that asshat ditched you!

 

So is my family. Most of the friends I reconnected with are rather happy he's gone.

 

It seems like I'm the only one that has rather neutral feelings toward him. I will always LOVE him but I'd never get back with him. He had some serious issues and I hope he gets the help he needs... or at least figures things out before he finds another good woman.

 

But this thread isn't about that lol:cool:

[mostlyclueless]

Don't make any permanent decisions until your depression is dealt with.

 

You cannot make good decisions regarding your future happiness when you are experiencing depression. It changes your ability to think.

[ZacThomas]

Marriage is a relationship which exists in real life .It is not a relation of dreams. I want to suggest you to be practical in life. You said your husband loves you more than anything but after marriage one need to think about other aspects rather than having romance every time. I know I am harsh to you but I faced same situation in my married life that why I am saying this .