How do I move on?

[PeineDeCoeur]

Wannabedone and Talkmedown..........thank you. I have been away for a week on vacation. I thought I had become stronger with the distance. I came back to work, to him and every emotion poured out like a floodgate suddenly opened. I am here in tears once more. I want so badly for it to be over , but once again the pain is so real. Will these tears ever end? Will I ever stop thinking about him and hurting? Once I straightened out my desk, I immediately logged in to read the posts. They do give me such strength. When I cannot seem to muster it myself, reading everyones posts help. Today is particularly bad. I feel so helpless and so hurt. Then I get angry with myslef and want to stop feeling sorry for myself. Then I play over and over again all the things he said and how he made me feel and I cry. It just feels like I will never find this again. But then again, what is this? a fantasy.....never to be a reality. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I would cope better. I thought it would get easier. It hasn't...yet.

There are days like today, I just cannot function and worse yet, I don't function. I have no life. it just feels like I have nothing but pain and misery. This is such an empty feeling but it has such impact. I believe the pain out is more than the pleasure in so why hasnt that helped? Maybe I am in need of some serious help. I am sorry if I sound so pathetic. Trust I hate myself for that too. Right now I hate myself for pretty much everything. I wish I could hate him this much.

 

Hang in there, fallen. Now is the time to start making some positive changes in your life. If there has ever been a hobby or passion or interest of yours, now is the time to pursue it. If you have children, belong to a gym, get more involved. Throw yourself into your job search. Start journaling. Meet new people. Keep reading LS. Look into IC. Do everything in your power NOW to end this painful cycle!

 

Your thought patterns about him are stuck in a rut and this can be a pathway to depression. You must change your thinking about the A and its impact on you. Right now its having an incredibly negative impact, affecting many aspects of your life. Focus on what is good - and start re-building. Don't put it off anymore. Start right now.

[frozensprouts]

Fallen,

I have only read your first few posts and you sound so sad...that's terrible.

 

A couple of points...

 

Does this man know just how much your are hurting? That it is making you feel this bad? If he has even an inkling of it, ask yourself this...if he loves you, how can he possibly ask you to put yourself in a position where you'll be so sad that you'll be having to cry and be heartbroken all the time? How dare he do that, and then claim that he "loves" you...that it just wrong on so many levels...if he loved you, he'd want you to be free and happy, not miserable

 

You say he is your best friend? doesn't seem like it. Shouldn't you be your own best friend and look out and do what's best for you?

 

It really sounds like you have tied yourself so closely to this man that it seems impossible to let go...but it can be done. Stop being there for him and start being there for you. Get out there and meet new people( not necessarily to date, but to have as friends). Start breaking the ties that bind you to him and start building new ties with people who care about you and what's best for you. Try and activity you've always wanted to but never got around to trying. If you can, get away for a while and give yourself a chance to get some clarity where you don't have to see him every time you turn around. When you feel up to it, try dating...not to jump into a new relationship, but just to see that you do have a lot of qualities about you that would make you quite a "catch" to the right guy...someone wonderful and who is free to love you the way you deserve to be loved.

If it seems to hard to do all at once, try taking a few small steps, then another, then another, and before you know it, you'll be well on your way to a much happier life

best of luck to you...I'm rooting for you, and I know you can do it...you just have to take that first step.

[whichwayisup]

Wannabedone and Talkmedown..........thank you. I have been away for a week on vacation. I thought I had become stronger with the distance. I came back to work, to him and every emotion poured out like a floodgate suddenly opened. I am here in tears once more. I want so badly for it to be over , but once again the pain is so real. Will these tears ever end? Will I ever stop thinking about him and hurting? Once I straightened out my desk, I immediately logged in to read the posts. They do give me such strength. When I cannot seem to muster it myself, reading everyones posts help. Today is particularly bad. I feel so helpless and so hurt. Then I get angry with myslef and want to stop feeling sorry for myself. Then I play over and over again all the things he said and how he made me feel and I cry. It just feels like I will never find this again. But then again, what is this? a fantasy.....never to be a reality. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I would cope better. I thought it would get easier. It hasn't...yet.

There are days like today, I just cannot function and worse yet, I don't function. I have no life. it just feels like I have nothing but pain and misery. This is such an empty feeling but it has such impact. I believe the pain out is more than the pleasure in so why hasnt that helped? Maybe I am in need of some serious help. I am sorry if I sound so pathetic. Trust I hate myself for that too. Right now I hate myself for pretty much everything. I wish I could hate him this much.

 

Break ups are painful. Affairs or not, it hurts and it just takes time to feel better. Let yourself cry and grieve the loss. Everybody has been where you are with that broken heart. It bloody sucks..BUT, I promise you, you WILL feel better and your life will go on.

 

If you feel you need help, then go talk to a therapist. Nothing wrong with that. Everybody at some point needs some counseling. I did after my father died, as well as some CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) to help me cope with anxiety and panic attacks.

 

Keep posting and keep reading.. And remember you ARE strong! You're not alone so reach out.

[fallen16]

I have tried hard to get out and do things. I have tried hard to meet people. I find myself falling back into my old pattern of climbing into my pj's and either sleeping or watching television. I tell myself over and over again to get moving and live life. Then, I end up sitting alone. I get invited out and at the time I say yes...then I find some excuse to hibernate. I know I have a problem. I have spoken to the doctor, he says I am depressed. I will not take meds as I dont believe I need them. I am a zombie now. I do not need to be more of one. I read everything you guys have to say, I agree with all of it, my head knows it, but I just cannot seem to follow my own logical thoughts!!!! I didnt hurt this badly being in a horrible marriage. Then again, I didnt love my husband. This man, I do believe I truly love. I do want to be strong, sincerely. I will keep trying with all of your help!!!! One day the pain has to lessen.....I will take one day at a time I suppose.

[Jerim]

Hi fallen

 

How r u going? I just read ur last post and hope u have found ur strength. I don't have time to write the whole story now but I am in almost the exact situation as you. I left a very bad marriage of 10 yrs with three kids under 5. I have set my life up again, dealt with the world of change for myself and the kids....

 

My mm was my personal trainer and a friend for last three years. We have always got along amazing. He noticed my bruises one day in training. We eventually talked about it (I knew he wasn't happy in his marriage too). I told him I thought I was starting to fall for him and three days later I found the courage to leave my abusive husband and get a move on with life. I wasn't leaving for mm but he had shown me that there was so much more love and care for me out there.

 

He has a 2.5yo. He told his wife 6 weeks into us talking constantly about being in love that he was going to leave and they needed to work out what to do so they can do the best for the child. He stopped wearing his wedding ring. He bought a family car so they both had one...we have only been together 3 times...I said that it is not ok because it would hurt too many ppl. I still have been seeing him as a friend and we flirt all the time. He is there for me whenever I need him - but of course I only try and find him when I know I can get away with it.

 

Ahhh...trying to explain too much. I have tried to get over him three times previously. To keep my distance and get thru the hard times in my lofe without running to him. Until now I haven't suceeded. I went looking for inspiration last night to give me the strength to do it again. You have givn my so mich strength girl so please know that I will be thinking of u all day knowing how u feel and I hope u can do the same. Someone posted earlier - if it s meant to be then it will be...when u r priority number 1 not number 9 (like I am). He has been my number 1 priority even before my kids and work. I am ruining my life because he has taken over my heart and even though I knew this I kept doing it. We have to look after ourselves and our kids because they will always be there and need us more than anyone. The MM has everything he wants in his life except a loving woman. If everything else was bad in their life and worth risking they would have left that life and join us by now. But they haven't. They are too scared, too selfish and cowardly. My MM is the kindest person I know - but really, if he was he wouldn't be doing this when he knows how much it hurts to be last on his list of priorities. I don't want another guy but I don't want this part time bull****. I'd prefer to be alone and happy. Than waiting and hurting.

 

Time will make it all ok. If you can get thru and out of a bad marriage, u can get thru this. I know u had his help to get thru it but now u need to prove to urself that u r strong enough to demand his respect thru ur actions. Words speak louder than actions. Hope u can smile .

[wannabdone]

I have tried hard to get out and do things. I have tried hard to meet people. I find myself falling back into my old pattern of climbing into my pj's and either sleeping or watching television. I tell myself over and over again to get moving and live life. Then, I end up sitting alone. I get invited out and at the time I say yes...then I find some excuse to hibernate. I know I have a problem. I have spoken to the doctor, he says I am depressed. I will not take meds as I dont believe I need them. I am a zombie now. I do not need to be more of one. I read everything you guys have to say, I agree with all of it, my head knows it, but I just cannot seem to follow my own logical thoughts!!!! I didnt hurt this badly being in a horrible marriage. Then again, I didnt love my husband. This man, I do believe I truly love. I do want to be strong, sincerely. I will keep trying with all of your help!!!! One day the pain has to lessen.....I will take one day at a time I suppose.

 

 

Fallen, I did the SAME thing. We all process and grieve differently. AND YES, I PROMISE ONE DAY IT WILL LESSEN!!!!

 

I am praying for you. My heart literally breaks for what you are going through. I know how hard it is. You will make it through this.

 

How are you doing????

[Jerim]

Wannabdone...very good advice for fallen that I hope u don't mind me taking too day 1 I'm feeling strong but I think I'll be needing a bit more support a time goes on. When I took my rose colored glasses off and realized that even though he said he will leave, he isn't and if he did, he risks losing everything else he has going for him including constant contact with his child, just to replace his cranky wife with me. Ahh...not going to happen.

 

Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind

[wannabdone]

Wannabdone...very good advice for fallen that I hope u don't mind me taking too day 1 I'm feeling strong but I think I'll be needing a bit more support a time goes on. When I took my rose colored glasses off and realized that even though he said he will leave, he isn't and if he did, he risks losing everything else he has going for him including constant contact with his child, just to replace his cranky wife with me. Ahh...not going to happen.

 

Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind

 

 

Take what ever you need to help you through your pain. I am sorry for what you are going through.

You deserve better.

[fallen16]

Jerim and Wannabdone.......thank you so much for being here for me. Today is particularly bad day. He showed up at my place and acted like all was wonderful.I have to see this man all day at work and work closely with him. I don't want to give away too many details for possible prying eyes , but I cannot switch departments nor can he as the way the company is set up. We are both heads of our departments but the two departments work together. Every time I see him my heart melts. My mind automatically goes to a time when I felt so safe, loved and happy when with him...even if it was only for an hour. He wears the clothes I love, and always has the colognes on I adore. I see him and all the emotions overwhelm me once again. I know he is having his cake and eating it too, or at least trying to, but I feel so weak around him. i try to be cool, or just professional but he will say or do something that makes me laugh and then its like that wall around me, falls. The sound of his voice is all it takes to make me want to cry and trust me, cry is all I do. I have had to invent allergies I do not have to explain my constant watering, red eyes at work. How can the head know this is wrong, know that he is using me, know that there's no future...but my heart longs so badly to be with him! I think what hurts the most is I cannot let go of the feeling that I wasn't good enough, he didn't love me enough, why cant he feel the way I feel. Its a never ending battle between my head and my heart which always seem to end in tears. I go to the gym every day. I have been doing that for 5 years now! I cry there too! People just avoid me now. I think everyone thinks I am crazy. Unfortunately, I cannot stop the thoughts and hence cannot seem to control the tears. I cannot stop the pain. My MM would have been kinder to just rip my heart out. In a way, thats what he has done. I do not know how I have provided strength Jerim, you sound far stronger than me. I feel for you. I feel for all of us. It makes me laugh though(well not really), I have friends whose husbands wont let them hang with me because I might encourage them to cheat. These people are STUPID! This is the most painful thing I have gone through. I would not wish it on my worst enemy!!!! No one should get involved with a married man!!!! NOONE!!!!! I thought I could handle it, now I just wish I were dead. Quite frankly, I feel dead inside so I am not far off.

[fallen16]

Jerim......read this email below that was sent to me..........from a married woman whose husband has cheated on her I would assume...........it absolutely rendered me speechless.....

********************************************************

 

But generally the wife knows him better than the other woman, she's had an honest pre-affair life with him, she knows what he can rise to, she was chosen once for herself and his love for her and not as an optional extra on the side when he is bored, he puts her and his family first, she is not waiting for tidbits of his time, she is the one he goes home to, she is the one he still chooses to be with even though he knows what it is like to be with the other woman, she knows and represents the best he can be not the worst. She is the one the world sees at his side. She is the one introduced as his wife. She is the one who shares his name, home, children, family, friends, and bed. Who is it that he chooses to share his world with? Who is it he has decided his family and friends should spend time with and know as his partner? He does not hide her. She is not a secret. He is not embarrassed by his wife. He does not hide her existence. He proudly shows her to the world. You have no idea how he is together with his wife. He chose her. Why would any woman settle for a man who has obviously decided to stay with his wife? It is the mistress who is delusional. It is the mistress who settles. Who does he choose time and time again? And who is it he doesn’t want to lose? Does he fight for you the way he fights for his marriage?

 

 

Most married men who are caught having an affair fight for their wife, fight to keep the marriage and usually end up realizing what they could lose. It is the wife they come back to. It is their wife they realize they truly need and it is their wife they always wanted. It is their wife they love. Their mistress, represented their boredom and need for excitement. It was not love but rather amusement. If it was love, they would have divorced their wife.

 

So I'm really kind of bemused that other women pity the wife in general. She got chosen, she got to be the main event before and after the affair, whatever faults in him you see she sees more but she also sees the whole man not just what side he shows in an affair. When have you been the chosen one? When have you been the main event except in the bedroom occasionally?

 

The mistress may get a man who makes her a queen for an hour a few times a week, but the wife gets a man who makes her a queen for the rest of her life. She definitely gets a man whom you fought to take and couldnt. She didn’t have to fight for him, he fights to keep her. She gets a man who chose not once but twice to stay with her when it counted while the husband prepared to hurt you, the mistress and he was prepared to leave you behind for his wife when the affair was discovered and not just in a temporary fog.

[LovelyLaura]

oh fallen16,

Im so sorry u have to get through this difficult situation.

I feel for you.

 

Your background story is same with mine, my MM is also my coworker.

But after read your whole story, oh gosh, my story is just like a baby fairy tale compare to yours.

 

I hope you could find ur inner strength to cut this man out of your life.

It wont be easy ofcourse, considering that u have to meet him in regular basis.

Leave your job is one of the option, but you said u cant do that right now.

I totally understand, because i feel like that too.

I dont want to leave my job, its my dream job, and fortunately i dont have to see my MM in regular basis everyday. So its easier for me.

 

If i may give u some advice, its better if you take 1 or 2 weeks off from your job.

Go get yourself some vacation with your family or friend (ofcourse without any contact with him. If necessary, do not bring your phone or laptop, so he cant contact you)

I hope in that time, when you are away from him, you could see him for what he is *clear the fog if i use the term here*

 

Share the story to your trusted friend, told them that u need a support system to help you out from this hell. Enjoy your holiday, enjoy the crowd, and maybe just maybe, you will find someone new there. Make sure that he is single ofcourse

 

I wish u the best girl..

I wish u could find your strength to fight for you own pride and dignity..

[wannabdone]

Jerim and Wannabdone.......thank you so much for being here for me. Today is particularly bad day. He showed up at my place and acted like all was wonderful.I have to see this man all day at work and work closely with him. I don't want to give away too many details for possible prying eyes , but I cannot switch departments nor can he as the way the company is set up. We are both heads of our departments but the two departments work together. Every time I see him my heart melts. My mind automatically goes to a time when I felt so safe, loved and happy when with him...even if it was only for an hour. He wears the clothes I love, and always has the colognes on I adore. I see him and all the emotions overwhelm me once again. I know he is having his cake and eating it too, or at least trying to, but I feel so weak around him. i try to be cool, or just professional but he will say or do something that makes me laugh and then its like that wall around me, falls. The sound of his voice is all it takes to make me want to cry and trust me, cry is all I do. I have had to invent allergies I do not have to explain my constant watering, red eyes at work. How can the head know this is wrong, know that he is using me, know that there's no future...but my heart longs so badly to be with him! I think what hurts the most is I cannot let go of the feeling that I wasn't good enough, he didn't love me enough, why cant he feel the way I feel. Its a never ending battle between my head and my heart which always seem to end in tears. I go to the gym every day. I have been doing that for 5 years now! I cry there too! People just avoid me now. I think everyone thinks I am crazy. Unfortunately, I cannot stop the thoughts and hence cannot seem to control the tears. I cannot stop the pain. My MM would have been kinder to just rip my heart out. In a way, thats what he has done. I do not know how I have provided strength Jerim, you sound far stronger than me. I feel for you. I feel for all of us. It makes me laugh though(well not really), I have friends whose husbands wont let them hang with me because I might encourage them to cheat. These people are STUPID! This is the most painful thing I have gone through. I would not wish it on my worst enemy!!!! No one should get involved with a married man!!!! NOONE!!!!! I thought I could handle it, now I just wish I were dead. Quite frankly, I feel dead inside so I am not far off.

 

 

Fallen, I read your post and literally hurts my heart for you. I so know the pain you are going through. And how everyone looks at you like you are crazy.

 

I wish I had words to take away your pain. I will tell you it does get better. You have to continue with NC though, or it never will. If you don't it will be like re opening that wound over and over again.

 

Its not that you aren't good enough... you are. Its just he didn't love you enough, and that is painful to accept. But its just a fact of life that sometimes we love more than we are loved, and vice versa.

 

You will get through this. Just know you are better than what he has to offer. You may feel "safe" but remember, its for only an hour, and unfortunately there are 23 more hours in the day that you are worth to feel safe in as well. The ratio doesn't seem to add up to be something to keep up.

[PeineDeCoeur]

Jerim......read this email below that was sent to me..........from a married woman whose husband has cheated on her I would assume...........it absolutely rendered me speechless.....

********************************************************

 

But generally the wife knows him better than the other woman, she's had an honest pre-affair life with him, she knows what he can rise to, she was chosen once for herself and his love for her and not as an optional extra on the side when he is bored, he puts her and his family first, she is not waiting for tidbits of his time, she is the one he goes home to, she is the one he still chooses to be with even though he knows what it is like to be with the other woman, she knows and represents the best he can be not the worst. She is the one the world sees at his side. She is the one introduced as his wife. She is the one who shares his name, home, children, family, friends, and bed. Who is it that he chooses to share his world with? Who is it he has decided his family and friends should spend time with and know as his partner? He does not hide her. She is not a secret. He is not embarrassed by his wife. He does not hide her existence. He proudly shows her to the world. You have no idea how he is together with his wife. He chose her. Why would any woman settle for a man who has obviously decided to stay with his wife? It is the mistress who is delusional. It is the mistress who settles. Who does he choose time and time again? And who is it he doesn’t want to lose? Does he fight for you the way he fights for his marriage?

 

 

Most married men who are caught having an affair fight for their wife, fight to keep the marriage and usually end up realizing what they could lose. It is the wife they come back to. It is their wife they realize they truly need and it is their wife they always wanted. It is their wife they love. Their mistress, represented their boredom and need for excitement. It was not love but rather amusement. If it was love, they would have divorced their wife.

 

So I'm really kind of bemused that other women pity the wife in general. She got chosen, she got to be the main event before and after the affair, whatever faults in him you see she sees more but she also sees the whole man not just what side he shows in an affair. When have you been the chosen one? When have you been the main event except in the bedroom occasionally?

 

The mistress may get a man who makes her a queen for an hour a few times a week, but the wife gets a man who makes her a queen for the rest of her life. She definitely gets a man whom you fought to take and couldnt. She didn’t have to fight for him, he fights to keep her. She gets a man who chose not once but twice to stay with her when it counted while the husband prepared to hurt you, the mistress and he was prepared to leave you behind for his wife when the affair was discovered and not just in a temporary fog.

 

Fallen, I'm speechless too. Not that there aren't some nuggets of truth here... but altogether a bit overwhelming. "queen for the rest of her life" when he's cheating?? Really?

 

This is not particularly helpful right now.

 

I hope you are having a better day today. Please consider seeing your doctor if you think you might be depressed.

[fallen16]

Brighterwashing.............I see now what you mean.........now that I have looked through some other posts. Whomever decided to send me this email is either posting on the site or using it to gather information. It was from an email I did not recognize. I almost didnt open it. I did send a reply so I will see what happens. Regardless, the words in it did render me speechless. It did give me a lot to think about. So whatever the reason it was sent or where they got the idea, really is irrelevant, to me anyways. I am on this forum to seek some advice, feel I am not alone and not be judged. I judge myself quite thoroughly already.

[fallen16]

LovelyLaura.....I feel for you too. It is just so hard isn't it? It was nice to hear from someone with a similar issue. However, I think all OW have a similar story. I was gone away on vacation for 7 days....out of country....NC. I came back and the emotions and hurt were as if I had never gone. Working with him is killing me. But I have children to support and I am doing it on my own so quitting is not an option. Transfers are not an option as there is nowhere to transfer to. I cannot explain without giving out too much information. Trust me when I say if there was a way not to work with him I would take it, but there isn't. Somehow I have to see this man all day and find the strength to keep my emotions at bay. Some days I do fine, but then again I am strong at work and then end up going home to cry. My children think I am becoming an emotional wreck. He has had to speak to me three times while I was typing this!!!!! I was a fool to think I could handle an affair. I was a bigger fool to fall in love with him. If they want their wives so badly, why do they cheat???? Do they care at all who they hurt???? How can they claim to love us but sit back and watch us live like this? Do they enjoy making us cry? Yes, i knew when i got involved so its my own damn fault. But I didnt know I would fall in love with him. I dont know. I try every day to rationalize it. Nothing hurts more than having a man tell you he loves you, needs you and cannot live without you, while he continues to live with his wife. All the excuses they give for not leaving the marriage. I thought I was brighter than this. How did he so easily pull the wool over my eyes?

[fallen16]

I appreciate what you pointed out Brighterwashing......I too believe it is weird. Apparently somebody likes your writings!!!! No doubt, they will read our posts and know that we know.

[LovelyLaura]

LovelyLaura.....I feel for you too. It is just so hard isn't it? It was nice to hear from someone with a similar issue. However, I think all OW have a similar story. I was gone away on vacation for 7 days....out of country....NC. I came back and the emotions and hurt were as if I had never gone. Working with him is killing me. But I have children to support and I am doing it on my own so quitting is not an option. Transfers are not an option as there is nowhere to transfer to. I cannot explain without giving out too much information. Trust me when I say if there was a way not to work with him I would take it, but there isn't. Somehow I have to see this man all day and find the strength to keep my emotions at bay. Some days I do fine, but then again I am strong at work and then end up going home to cry. My children think I am becoming an emotional wreck. He has had to speak to me three times while I was typing this!!!!! I was a fool to think I could handle an affair. I was a bigger fool to fall in love with him. If they want their wives so badly, why do they cheat???? Do they care at all who they hurt???? How can they claim to love us but sit back and watch us live like this? Do they enjoy making us cry? Yes, i knew when i got involved so its my own damn fault. But I didnt know I would fall in love with him. I dont know. I try every day to rationalize it. Nothing hurts more than having a man tell you he loves you, needs you and cannot live without you, while he continues to live with his wife. All the excuses they give for not leaving the marriage. I thought I was brighter than this. How did he so easily pull the wool over my eyes?

My deep condolences for you fallen,

 

I know how painful it is, for not being together with the man that you love.

The man who claimed that he also loves you with every inch of him, but still doesnt have enough courage to leave the M that he also claimed is so miserable.

 

I dont get it you know. How come a man be that cruel?

Like you said, he tells you he loves you, needs you and cannot live without you, while he continues to live with his wife..

Is it all just a lie? Is it the truth? Or is it another deception?

I dont know, you dont know, and maybe we will never know.

 

I always think that i love you, you love me, lets be together.

But apperantly life is not that simple.

Life is not a fairy tale, probably never will.

Sometimes the one that we think is our prince charming,

is not the right one for us.

 

For me, it helps when i think that :

1. is he the man that i want to be together for the rest of my life?

2. is he the man that i want to be the father of my child?

3. is he the man that i want to build my house with?

4. is he the man that will provide me with secure, unconditioned love and care?

 

And with my MM, the answer is NO.

If i marry him, i cannot give him my full trust, i will constantly live with suspicious feeling about him, afraid that he will cheat (again), afraid that he will regret the decision to be with me, and then run home to his wife. I will be afraid all the time.

And its not the life that i picture.

 

So it really helps me in the process of detach my self from him.

Dont get me wrong, ow it hurts like hell.

Sometimes we know what the right things to do,

but our heart rejects to cooperate, hahaha

I know fallen, its not gonna be easy.

Im speaking for my self. Im in the middle of NC with my MM.

And its painful, believe me, its worse than any of my breakup before with my exBFs.

 

But i keep thinking of that question,

i keep reminding myself that its not gonna worth to be happy now (bcause u have him as ur AP) but then suffer for the rest of your life (either because he dump you or you end up to be his wife, but with full of suspicion life).

I choose to suffer now, but then gain my strength to fight for my happiness later.

 

I hope it helps u fallen

[fallen16]

It all helps...but nothing helps. I agree with everyones advice....but dont know how to actually take it and use it....I realized after a few recent events I have no confidence or self worth left. I would change everything about myself. Then I wonder why the last few years have I come to feel like this. I think hearing how wonderful and beautiful I am, how much he loves me and needs me but then knowing that he chooses to stay married is destroying me. I cannot get past the feeling of I must not be good enough. I know its garbage but somehow I cannot shake the feeling that if I was enough, if he loved me enough, he would want to be with me. So if he didnt love me enough...why couldnt he love me enough? What's wrong with me. Then the vicious cycle begins again of me believing its me. I can tell myslef I am being ridiculous, that I shouldnt let any man make me feel this way, but it doesnt help. I am such an emotional wreck. I have a huge hole to climb out from and right now, I dont have the strength. The hopeless is killing me.

Nobody should go through this, EVER!!!!!!!!!!! It is too painful and really messes up your emotional well being. I am not sure how or when I will get over this. I will keep reading , keep posting, keep crying...keep trying.

[jwi71]

It all helps...but nothing helps. I agree with everyones advice....but dont know how to actually take it and use it....I realized after a few recent events I have no confidence or self worth left. I would change everything about myself. Then I wonder why the last few years have I come to feel like this. I think hearing how wonderful and beautiful I am, how much he loves me and needs me but then knowing that he chooses to stay married is destroying me. I cannot get past the feeling of I must not be good enough. I know its garbage but somehow I cannot shake the feeling that if I was enough, if he loved me enough, he would want to be with me. So if he didnt love me enough...why couldnt he love me enough? What's wrong with me. Then the vicious cycle begins again of me believing its me. I can tell myslef I am being ridiculous, that I shouldnt let any man make me feel this way, but it doesnt help. I am such an emotional wreck. I have a huge hole to climb out from and right now, I dont have the strength. The hopeless is killing me.

Nobody should go through this, EVER!!!!!!!!!!! It is too painful and really messes up your emotional well being. I am not sure how or when I will get over this. I will keep reading , keep posting, keep crying...keep trying.

 

Here's the thing Fallen, it's not about you. At all.

It's not only untrue but patently unfair to view yourself as "not enough". It's a train thought that will derail you and your emotional and mental well being.

 

You are comparing yourself to his W - to his version of her, his version of his life and his version of his M. But it's not real. Of all the people to gleam information from, he is the LEAST reliable. After all, had he said " I love my life, my W, we have a decent if mundane sex life and I really just need to feel validated" would you have entered into the A? Not likely. His hook, the bait with which you are caught is a version of this (and it's almost universal):

 

I'm a good man in a bad situation.

 

Bull****. He's a bad man. (no, not utterly and completely bad, but his coping mechanism is ruefully bad - I claim poetic license here). What he truly is an unfulfilled man who doesn't know how to affect positive change. So he sinks into some very bad choices. He tells himself lies which absolve him of guilt (rationalizations). He tells these same to you - but to you they are simply lies.

 

Lies to kept his conscious clear, lies to keep you "on the hook" and lies to help him cope from his own failures (up to and including the A). It's an illusion designed solely for his pleasure and benefit. You are immaterial.

 

The way you make him feel is what matters. The escape. The validation. The drug to get through the recurrent low points in his life, his W and his M.

 

But you believe the lies. It all seems to make sense. All the pieces fit. His story, from your vantage, checks out. A good man in a bad situation. All you have to do is give up just a little more. Expect a little less. Because he is a good man in a bad situation.

 

But he's not.

 

It's an illusion.

 

And it eats at your self-worth. Your morals. Your sanity. You give and give and get nothing in return.

 

Because he's not a good man in a bad situation. He's a bad man making a bad situation worse (more poetic license).

 

He didn't leave because you weren't good enough. He didn't leave because he never intended to leave. He needed a drug to get through the day. And he creates and manipulates you and everyone around to maintain his drug. It's a very true addiction.

 

All of the qualities you have, the woman you are, still exists. But you've lost yourself in a tangled web of lies (whose very purpose is to keep you ensnared).

Stop these "I'm not good enough" thoughts it's a pale reflection of who you ARE.

 

You were conned. I know it's hard to see now. But you will see it in time. With NC. The lies lose their strength absent the speaker. Keep it that way.

Keep working through it. You'll get that "aha!" lightbulb moment.

 

Promise.

Edited April 16, 2012 by jwi71

[FightClub]

Fallen16,

 

 

The above is probably the most accurate look from an outsiders perspective you can have.

 

Breaking down the obvious, you are worth more than what you've had at this point in life. I know because I sold myself short at one point too, I was just as addicted to the feelings, the up's and down's and all the communication with xMW.

 

It's not real, not in a stable sense, anyway. You provided the fantasy and intimacy and your MM wanted it, not maliciously but selfishly at the expense of ever really being anything more than an affair. At some point down the road you will see all the rationalizations are at best a way to cope and not face the reality; He's married and having you on the side.

 

Take time to really look at Jwi71's response and challenge yourself to find the missing pieces, things that don't add up and eventually you'll see the deceit to both the wife and you.

 

I can look back on my time involved in an affair now and realize I justified the things exMW would say or wouldn't do by thinking that's how things were but it's not true. Once the reality starts to come into focus you realize that in the grand scheme, they made poor choices because something is lacking within them.

 

-FC

[wannabdone]

Here's the thing Fallen, it's not about you. At all.

It's not only untrue but patently unfair to view yourself as "not enough". It's a train thought that will derail you and your emotional and mental well being.

 

You are comparing yourself to his W - to his version of her, his version of his life and his version of his M. But it's not real. Of all the people to gleam information from, he is the LEAST reliable. After all, had he said " I love my life, my W, we have a decent if mundane sex life and I really just need to feel validated" would you have entered into the A? Not likely. His hook, the bait with which you are caught is a version of this (and it's almost universal):

 

I'm a good man in a bad situation.

 

Bull****. He's a bad man. (no, not utterly and completely bad, but his coping mechanism is ruefully bad - I claim poetic license here). What he truly is an unfulfilled man who doesn't know how to affect positive change. So he sinks into some very bad choices. He tells himself lies which absolve him of guilt (rationalizations). He tells these same to you - but to you they are simply lies.

 

Lies to kept his conscious clear, lies to keep you "on the hook" and lies to help him cope from his own failures (up to and including the A). It's an illusion designed solely for his pleasure and benefit. You are immaterial.

 

The way you make him feel is what matters. The escape. The validation. The drug to get through the recurrent low points in his life, his W and his M.

 

But you believe the lies. It all seems to make sense. All the pieces fit. His story, from your vantage, checks out. A good man in a bad situation. All you have to do is give up just a little more. Expect a little less. Because he is a good man in a bad situation.

 

But he's not.

 

It's an illusion.

 

And it eats at your self-worth. Your morals. Your sanity. You give and give and get nothing in return.

 

Because he's not a good man in a bad situation. He's a bad man making a bad situation worse (more poetic license).

 

He didn't leave because you weren't good enough. He didn't leave because he never intended to leave. He needed a drug to get through the day. And he creates and manipulates you and everyone around to maintain his drug. It's a very true addiction.

 

All of the qualities you have, the woman you are, still exists. But you've lost yourself in a tangled web of lies (whose very purpose is to keep you ensnared).

Stop these "I'm not good enough" thoughts it's a pale reflection of who you ARE.

 

You were conned. I know it's hard to see now. But you will see it in time. With NC. The lies lose their strength absent the speaker. Keep it that way.

Keep working through it. You'll get that "aha!" lightbulb moment.

 

Promise.

 

 

^^^ THIS is absolutely one of the most beautiful and well written posts I have ever read. It seriously brought tears to my eyes, how amazingly true it was.

 

Fallen, JW is right. I PROMISE you things will get clearier with NC. I was in the same position, if not worse than you. I allowed 10 years of my life to be eaten up. I made more excuses for xMM than he did for himself. He had me trained, I was his puppet, his cheerleader in every way. It robbed me of my sanity, my self worth, my self respect... more importantly I allowed it to rob me. To thine ownself be true. Remember that statement, hold it close to you. Be good to yourself. Don't allow things that rob you of how precious you are and what you deserve. Just as you wouldn't allow a theif in your house, in worry that they would take your things, or a sexual prediator around your children, as you would worry they would hurt your kids... guard and protect yourself. Know you are worthy of SO MUCH MORE! And YOU are allowing someone to rob you of that beautiful human being you are.

 

You WILL start to see that. Its hard not to when you are caught up in the storm. But if you take a step out of the storm (AND STAY THERE) the more and more clearer things will become. Does this mean you won't love him anylonger? Maybe not... but it will mean you will love yourself. Which is the most important.

 

People will only do to you what you will allow them to do. When you start saying "i'm worth more", and really act on that... you will notice the ppl around you will own that you are worth more as well.

 

Stand strong, my friend. NEVER EVER SETTLE, NEVER AGAIN.

[fallen16]

jwi71 and Fightclub.............thank you! Thank you for your insight. Thank you for not being judgmental like others. Thank you for understanding. I have no doubt that NC would make a world of difference. As I said I work with him and see him 8 hours a day. I fair better on weekends as I am not around him. Here, I try. I try everyday to keep it just professional. I do pretty well. But when I go home I fall a part. I was not his first and no doubt I will not be his last. He claims I am so different than the others but words are cheap. His actions have never proved to me that I am anything but a mistress. I will continue to try and remind myself of what you have said. I will try to see past the sweet words. I will try not to be drawn in again. Everyday I will just keep trying.

[fallen16]

Wannabdone.........I am so sorry you wasted 10 years!!! OMG 10 years!!!! I dont want to do that!!! 10 years and you are this strong! I am so proud of you and I hope I can be as strong as you were and be able to post here one day and say I only wasted 4 years....well 4 and a half now. I still cannot believe I have been involved 4 and a half years. I thought I was tied in. Yes, they do have a way of making you settle. They have a way of tugging on your heart, they have a way of making it seem like you are all they really have. They really are all the same arent they? My story is no different. My MM is no different. I thank you for sharing. I thank you for helping. :)

[scatterd]

Hi I know you can do this words are cheap when the story good.He will

continue to do this if you let him he is not respecting your wishes.Ask

him what his wife would think about him saying this.Maybe she would

not want him if she new.Have you tried to get out and play if you could meet new people and have a little fun it would help.I know how hard it is to do when your down but make yourself.You are still young enough to meet someone else.Dont waste your time on him anymore life is to short for

all this pain.Their is many single guys out there willing to offer you more

a man that will be happy to show you off.I hope things get better soon.