How do I move on?

[scatterd]

I am glad you have come here this place will help you to be stronger. By the way welcome to L.S

[fallen16]

Thank you for the welcome. I am glad I posted. I am glad I found people who understand and can share the hurt.

[MissBee]

I keep trying to walk away. Working with him 8 hours a day and closely has not made it easy. I cannot afford to leave my job nor can he. NC is impossible. I try to speak to him as little as possible but unfortunately our departments work closely together and we are the heads of our departments so ultimately we are thrown together often. I know it is a dead end road. He never said he would leave her. But he has said so many things. One day at a time seems endless. The pain seems endless. I have been reading a lot of forums trying to gather strength. Some days I do better than others, but mostly it just hurts all the time. I know there's no quick cure, no easy fix. I just feel so very helpless. He was my best friend. I was able to reach out and tell him anything. Now I feel so alone. I guess as long as I have hope I keep thinking maybe it will work out. LOL There really is no hope. Is there something you do or say to yourself to get thru?

 

Hi Fallen,

 

I empathize with you about one day at a time seeming endless and the pain seeming endless. I have felt the same feelings before and can still vividly remember how I felt when in "the black hole" but am here to say I have not been in that black hole for almost 3 years and counting and my life is WONDERFUL and the pain did not last forever. It feels like it willl...but ALL things come to an end...yes sometimes good things too but be glad that bad things do as well!

 

I fortunately had a friend who was going through something similar and we would just always dissect the situation and discuss it...it was good and bad. I realize that she was not in a much better position to help me and sometimes fueled my delusional thinking and I think in some ways she was guilty of pushing me to "hope" because if I was hopeful, she would be too. We were crabs in a barrel for a while. But on the flip side she never grew weary of the story. I however had to be fed up for myself! I spent A LOT of time focusing on him and why he was doing what he was doing or not doing, what he said, replaying convos, hoping for change everytime he contacted me etc...all to no avail! Focusing on him helped me stay stuck sooooo much longer than necessary! Now, my advice to anyone would be to ignore what you hope and wish for and stop replaying meaningless words but instead focus on things to improve yourself.

 

You have some work to do and by starting that, you will have something to focus on besides him and missing him. I cannot say it is easy...it is not...but it is VERY REWARDING when you do the work and come out on the other side. I think that leaving a bad marriage and jumping into an affair means that there is something YOU need to resolve for you. It is not about falling inlove with the wrong person or being unlucky....delve into that. Buy break up books, post on LS, go to counseling if you can afford it...just start worrying about YOU.

 

Practical things I did to try to move on were to write down all the things I would change or disliked about him...that helped me to stop idealizing him and making him seem like the best thing sense. In these situations sometimes it is so easy to all of a sudden feel like this person/relationship is our last chance or the best ever...it's not. . I kept reminding myself that he was a person like any other....he was not the ultimate or the man for me or we would not be here now and therefore I CAN and WILL find another. That made me hopeful, and I did! NO MAN IS YOUR LAST CHANCE! When you internalize that and believe that...then you are less likely to cling in desperation to this man's empty promises and his metaphorical pant leg, being dragged along. If you could foresee that your next relationship would be 100 times better, you would simply appreciate what happened, end it and move forward in living your life until your new guy came along right? Well that's what I did! It was hard...but I got better at it and now, I don't act like a relationship defines me...as in, I do not live my life waiting for a man to come rescue me and make me happy...I live my life and if a great guy comes along to join me, great! If not...my life is STILL FAB! What I won't do anymore is stay stuck in some less-than situation with a man waiting on a miracle.

 

I did stuff to fall inlove with me! Instead of being sad that I had no date or sad that I no longer was someone's girlfriend and I wasn't getting romantic texts and all that...I did stuff to replace that for myself! I took myself out, I did things I liked to do etc. I also made sure to give myself the opportunity to grieve and cry and be angry, upset, hurt, miss him. I journaled and wrote fake emails "to him" that I didn't send etc....all those things helped to purge me. There WILL be a grieving period. It will not kill you. Give into it....it can be cleansing. Just don't allow it to drag on forever.

 

You say you have no friends? This is not good...no one should find that their only friend is their partner esp. not their illegitimate affair partner. You can't build your world around one person and especially not a person who is essentially someone else's man It is interesting that you lost your friends after your divorce. How come? I cannot see that happening to me....unless they were his friends first. But I maintain my own friends, whom I know outside of my partner who are loyal to me and he has his own...as it should be. I understand the two becoming one and all...but you still need to be an individual with your own friends, activities etc. Participate in activities that lead you to making more friends; join a gym, go to a church if that's your thing, join a group of women your age who do things you like to do. You need friends! My exAP was one of my bestfriends at the time...I told him everything, but I also had other friends. I too felt like my life would not go on without him....but it's a habit...you build a habit with this person, but eventually, once you find a new habit...you don't feel so empty. Find a new habit and new things to replace what you did with him and overtime you'll miss him less and less.

 

 

Hope is the hardest thing to get rid of and it does sometimes have a mind of its own and sometimes even leads you down the path of delusion....girl, I have stories of that! But you can distract yourself from that too and focus one day at a time on something for yourself, some new goal or activity and nothing is wrong with saying: "If it is meant to be, it will be and it will come around in the right time with the right circumstances...until then, I will not go back to what he is offering today and will push forward". That's what I told myself! It was true! It was not meant to be and it did not come back around and I am ever so happy and by pushing forward I moved on with my life rather than staying stuck in limbo and Hopeland waiting. When hope pops up...say that. You therefore aren't denying your hopefulness...you are just making it realistic and actually useful!

 

Goodluck!

Edited March 14, 2012 by MissBee

[The Blue Knight]

His children are not young. It is an excuse. I know it is. I used to think what we had was different than everyone else's affair. I believed that he really loved and cared for me. I believed our bond was unbreakable. I believed so much. Then I read these forums and realize, my affair is just like everyone else's. I guess thats how they draw us in and keep us in. I have to stop replaying his words. However, it just happens. The thoughts pour in. then i wonder why i wasn't enough to make him leave. I really have forgotten that I deserve better. i need to see him for who he really is.

 

Then you just kind of answered your own question fallen.

 

If his kids are a bit older (not sure what you mean by "not young") then is there really any reason that he is still with his wife?

 

Truthfully, do you know for certain what his relationship is with his wife? I know what he's probably telling you, but the truth is, men in particular will always paint their marriages as "awful" and "terrible" and talk about how mistreated they are at home by their cold and heartless vampire-like-wives in order to gain sympathy from the other woman they have their desires set upon.

 

Coming to loveshack, as you said opened your eyes and you realized there are hundreds to thousands just like you posting similar stories.

 

If he was any kind of ethical person he'd make a decision to let you go and stick to that, or he'd leave to be with you. Instead, he remains in a place that gives him the best of both worlds while leaving you hurt and miserable. My guess is he's never going to leave his wife and you'll remain the other woman until you say "no more!!!"

[MissBee]

Here's what I think. Ending affairs can be so much harder because the ending isn't usually perceived as being due to a relationship issue between the two of you as much as it is an outside force that prevents the relationship from moving forward.

 

This is a bit of delusional thinking IMO. When you really break it down, it IS a relationship issue between the two of you. There's a man who can't give you what you need. Whatever the reason is fairly irrelevant. He's making a choice, and it usually isn't even about the greater good but about what suits him the best. It is not his wife or his children that stand in his way, it is him. When you put the onus where it belongs, it helps to clarify things a bit.

 

The other thing is that an affair relationship rarely has the opportunity to live in the light of day, meaning that while you think you're experiencing things as a normal couple would, you're not. It is not evolving in the same way. You are not dealing with many of the things a regular dating couple would. This results in the "honeymoon period" lasting much longer. You aren't getting a real opportunity to see how truly compatible you are because so many facets of your lives can't be entertwined.

 

So there's a lot of romance, and sex, and loving emotions that are expressed that don't have to stand the test of reality. And, when you're still in the honeymoon period, we have that feeling of being invinsible, like we have the power and love to work through all of our problems, regardless of what they might be. It is only when each of you become more real, and has the opportunity to face more everyday challenges together that you start to see weak spots and areas of incompatibility. You couldn't get to that place, so you're still seeing this great person that you've "lost out" on. When you get to the place where you can see things more clearly, the hurt starts to fade some.

 

Ya know, finding a job is also easier when you have a job. Put some feelers out because you never know what might come along. Another thing that might help is getting some counseling for yourself. As a fOW myself, I know there were things inside myself that needed addressing...these things that allowed me to cross a line I never thought I'd cross. Working on yourself helps you become stronger and helps you establish better boundaries. It also helps you develop stronger expectations for yourself, what you want in your life.

 

Amazing post and so very true!

[The Blue Knight]

Wow..........such well written responses. I am very grateful to all of you. I have reread these responses several times. They give me strength. They really do. I so do not want to come off as a victim. I realize my part in this mess. I was strong enough to leave my very bad marriage. I had my MM's help at the time. I can do this. I have to believe I can. Trying to remember all the disappointments and his other life might help when I am feeling particularly lonely. I never believed I would be in a mess like this. Do these men really believe their own lies????? Does he really believe this is the way to live? I guess I shouldnt be concerned with what he thinks but rather what I think. I truly do thank all of you. if it wasnt for your words I would still be here crying in my office.

 

The point is as long as you're a willing participant he isn't going to feel too much guilt. From his perspective fallen, he's not forcing you to be involved with him. Frankly, he probably is fully aware that he's got you emotionally right where he wants you. Tied to him, but not too tied to him. What women who get into affairs with married men have got to remember is you are in effect giving him his single life of sexual fun that he had as a single man whenever he feels like he needs it or wants it. For him . . . it's the best of both worlds . . . Family man with kids one day . . . out playing with the girlfriend another day. You have to realize that you're in control of YOUR life and that's all that you can control.

[scatterd]

I agree with that also

[jwi71]

I have been involved with my MM for 4 years. I work with him. Typical story, started out as friends, grew into more. I fell in love for the first time. I think about him 24-7. I have been totally faithful and want more than anything to have a life with him. I left a bad marriage when I realized what love could be. The marriage was bad before I got involved, I just couldn't tolerate it anymore when I discovered how wonderful it could be to loved and cared for and to love and care in return. He claims he needs his children and family and therefore will not leave his wife. He claims they live more like brother and sister. He claims he truly loves me. I use the word "claims" because although I have always believed him, I now wonder just how naive I have been. If he loved me, he would want to be with me. He claims he does, but not at the expense of his childrens' hatred. I have to see this man every day. I spend most of my time trying to pull away. I cry all the time. I feel so lost and so empty. There are days I don't want to leave my bed. My head knows I am crazy and need to move on, but my heart is broken. How do I get over this hurt and pain? How do I stay strong and keep him out of my life? More importantly, how do I stop thinking about all the things he said...the words of love, desire and need? I do not even have friends to lean on as I lost most of them when I divorced. I feel like I am in a black hole never to return. I feel desperate. Please I need advice and help from anyone who thinks they can offer advice.

 

Wow, this is a hot mess.

 

The subject "How do I move on" is utterly contradicted in the first 4 sentences. And I find myself wondering what you actually want.

 

Do YOU even know?

 

And will your answer be the same tomorrow? Or even in 4 sentences?

 

Until you can control your emotions and stop being reactionary to it, this will NOT end. How can it when you aren't even sure of what you want?

 

The ONLY solution is distance.

 

How do you move on? By doing exactly that.

 

Get a new job. Anywhere. Doesn't matter.

 

Nothing gets ANY better because exactly NOTHING has changed. Oh, the A might be "over" but the daily contact and childish games you two play keep it "alive".

 

You have got to quit. IT is almost impossible to have daily contact with an AP and expect healing and growth and the formation of a new healthy bond with another man. His presence keeps you rooted in this emotional turmoil.

 

So...move on by moving on.

 

I also know you'll do exactly none of it. I'm not even sure YOU know what YOU want. And how can you get anywhere if you don't know which way to go?

 

Are too afraid to go (I cant quit my job).

 

Healing requires ACTION.

 

What can YOU DO to heal?

 

(please don't tell me what you CANNOT do - what CAN you do is the question)

[fallen16]

Some pretty intense guidance and help. In answer to what do I want....well I want what we all wanted....the fairy tale ending; to have the man I love and live happily ever after. Is that going to happen??? NO. Not ever. I know that in my heart. I have wasted 4 years. I do realize I have my own personal issues to deal with. I know that I have based so much of my self worth on this failed relationship. A relationship which isn't a relationship but simply an affair. I know I spend too much time thinking about all the wonderful things he said and the way he made me feel. I know I dont really know or understand his marriage. I know I wanted to believe he was different that other cheating men. I know I wanted to believe he would love me enough to want to have a life with me. I believed love would conquer all. I know I was being naive. I have children to support. Quitting my job as a single mom is not an option. as one of you suggested. I make very good money and have worked hard to get where I am. However, I have been looking and will continue to do so. If I find something, I will definitely pursue it. But I cannot quit out right to avoid this man. He has taken so much of my life now, I will not let him take this as well! As for my so-called friends, they were friends of both myself and my ex-husband. Most became uncomfortable when I left my husband. Most couldn't understand why. A lot of my close girlfriend's husbands became uncomfortable with them spending time with me. As if divorce is contagious. My MM was one of my best friends before the affair started. I do realize i need to love myself and concentrate on me. You were so right when you said I dont believe I will ever find another man who will love me as he did. I have that notion in my head that I will never find better than this man. I was so happy to hear others have felt this way and moved on to becoming happy. Gives me hope. I realize that my happiness needs to come from within, not from a man. I know it, now I have to believe it.

[MissBee]

Some pretty intense guidance and help. In answer to what do I want....well I want what we all wanted....the fairy tale ending; to have the man I love and live happily ever after. Is that going to happen??? NO. Not ever. I know that in my heart. I have wasted 4 years. I do realize I have my own personal issues to deal with. I know that I have based so much of my self worth on this failed relationship. A relationship which isn't a relationship but simply an affair. I know I spend too much time thinking about all the wonderful things he said and the way he made me feel. I know I dont really know or understand his marriage. I know I wanted to believe he was different that other cheating men. I know I wanted to believe he would love me enough to want to have a life with me. I believed love would conquer all. I know I was being naive. I have children to support. Quitting my job as a single mom is not an option. as one of you suggested. I make very good money and have worked hard to get where I am. However, I have been looking and will continue to do so. If I find something, I will definitely pursue it. But I cannot quit out right to avoid this man. He has taken so much of my life now, I will not let him take this as well! As for my so-called friends, they were friends of both myself and my ex-husband. Most became uncomfortable when I left my husband. Most couldn't understand why. A lot of my close girlfriend's husbands became uncomfortable with them spending time with me. As if divorce is contagious. My MM was one of my best friends before the affair started. I do realize i need to love myself and concentrate on me. You were so right when you said I dont believe I will ever find another man who will love me as he did. I have that notion in my head that I will never find better than this man. I was so happy to hear others have felt this way and moved on to becoming happy. Gives me hope. I realize that my happiness needs to come from within, not from a man. I know it, now I have to believe it.

 

I know what you mean....it's a journey but very possible!

 

Be kind to yourself

[scatterd]

Hello falen 16

 

I hope things are going well and you continue to come back for advise.Hang in there you will get stronger everyday.

[irin]

op. at least he never told he will be leaving his wife for you like other mm do. this is all down to you, you need to get over him!

[fallen16]

No he never claimed he would leave. But he does claim he cannot live without me and that he needs me. He claims he wants to continue to make memories, not look back on us. He claims so many things. Its his words I replay over and over. I guess I dont understand how someone could say all those things and more for the last 4 years and stay married! I guess I will never understand. So far, it hasnt gotten any easier. I still feel so much pain and hurt. But I read this forum for strength.

[skywriter]

Fallen,

 

I'll tell you this, the longer you continue on with this MM, the more you will resent him.

 

You are going to consider all the time and effort into making this man happy, a waste of time. That time should have been spent having a happy and fullfilling life.

[jwi71]

No he never claimed he would leave. But he does claim he cannot live without me and that he needs me. He claims he wants to continue to make memories, not look back on us. He claims so many things. Its his words I replay over and over. I guess I dont understand how someone could say all those things and more for the last 4 years and stay married! I guess I will never understand. So far, it hasnt gotten any easier. I still feel so much pain and hurt. But I read this forum for strength.

 

Occam's razor.

 

You cannot understand how he would say those things all this time and not leave.

 

Answer: He was lying to you.

 

Because no person who TRULY loves another would EVER treat them so.

Oh, he did care. But not about you per se. Rather, he valued how he felt with you. Subtle yet massive difference.

 

Revisit those years with that filter.

 

I bet it begins to make sense.

[The Blue Knight]

No he never claimed he would leave. But he does claim he cannot live without me and that he needs me. He claims he wants to continue to make memories, not look back on us. He claims so many things. Its his words I replay over and over. I guess I dont understand how someone could say all those things and more for the last 4 years and stay married! I guess I will never understand. So far, it hasnt gotten any easier. I still feel so much pain and hurt. But I read this forum for strength.

Does the old saying "talk is cheap" come to mind? There are talkers and there are doers. fallen, you're simply giving him the best of both worlds by allowing him to continue having you when he feels like he needs a little side action. Married, domesticated, kids, most of the time . . . but sexual liaisons and excitement when he feels like it and when he can fit you in.

[fallen16]

"He likes the way he feels when he is with me".............no doubt you hit the nail on the head with that one. I guess my problem lies within my own mind.....I actually believed him. He made me feel like he was telling the truth. He made me actually feel all the things he said were true. I try to convince myself he was lying but I have seen the tears, felt his emotions. Maybe its just because I so wish it were true. But if it were, he wouldn't want to live without me. My head knows I have been fooled, my heart just doesn't want to let go. Daily, he comes into this office and pours it on. Makes me feel so bad for him. He tries so hard to convince me how much he cares. Some days, I stay strong...others I melt. I just find it so hard to let go of what I have known for 4 years. He was my rock through my divorce. He has been my friend, my confidant, my strength. I know I have to let go. I just feel like I am dying inside.

[TigerCub]

"He likes the way he feels when he is with me".............no doubt you hit the nail on the head with that one. I guess my problem lies within my own mind.....I actually believed him. He made me feel like he was telling the truth. He made me actually feel all the things he said were true. I try to convince myself he was lying but I have seen the tears, felt his emotions. Maybe its just because I so wish it were true. But if it were, he wouldn't want to live without me. My head knows I have been fooled, my heart just doesn't want to let go. Daily, he comes into this office and pours it on. Makes me feel so bad for him. He tries so hard to convince me how much he cares. Some days, I stay strong...others I melt. I just find it so hard to let go of what I have known for 4 years. He was my rock through my divorce. He has been my friend, my confidant, my strength. I know I have to let go. I just feel like I am dying inside.

 

(((fallen)))

Your pain really comes through in your posts.

 

It is hard to completely let go of someone that you know you shared good times with, that you, at some point, felt was your friend and loved you.

 

But that's not all he is, and although I know how hard it is to make your heart catch up to your head, you need to keep this in mind

"I may have loved him, he may have loved me, but I love me most"

and because you need to love you most and look out for you most, you need to stop shining such a loving light on everything that has to do with him.

 

He may have had moments where he was good to you, but he also had moments where he did things, knowing they would hurt you - and that's not a true friend (sorry, don't mean to sound like an afternoon special ) - but keep that in mind.

 

You need to look out for you, and you need to be your own best friend, especially during times like this.

 

I'm not going to debate his feelings for you, maybe he truly did love you - but he loved you in his way, and that's not good enough for you, you want more and you deserve more. That's what it really boils down to.

 

Good luck, I truly wish you the best and hope that things get better soon.

[talkmedown]

"He likes the way he feels when he is with me".............no doubt you hit the nail on the head with that one. I guess my problem lies within my own mind.....I actually believed him. He made me feel like he was telling the truth. He made me actually feel all the things he said were true. I try to convince myself he was lying but I have seen the tears, felt his emotions. Maybe its just because I so wish it were true. But if it were, he wouldn't want to live without me. My head knows I have been fooled, my heart just doesn't want to let go. Daily, he comes into this office and pours it on. Makes me feel so bad for him. He tries so hard to convince me how much he cares. Some days, I stay strong...others I melt. I just find it so hard to let go of what I have known for 4 years. He was my rock through my divorce. He has been my friend, my confidant, my strength. I know I have to let go. I just feel like I am dying inside.

 

BUT as someone else said upthread... he has not chosen you. So his words while true then (or even perhaps now) hold no weight now.... bottomline.

 

I just want to say thanks fallen16 for posting, cus I am right on the verge of starting an affair with someone who presented as separated... but then as he continued to seduce me he was suddenly "married" with an underage daughter and I was moving to the town where he was from and it had to be a secret... I could tell no one.

 

Well, at the time I was head over heels for this guy... We've been apart for for a couple of weeks cus he's been out of town... and altho we were in constant contact before, his communication has slowed down... altho when we do talk it is still hot and heavy... I have stopped contacting him.

 

But we are supposed to rendezvous this next week...

 

Your post has helped me so much to know not to start down this path. My last two "relationships" were with married men... and were dead ends. And in fact both of the MM were seeing OTHER OW!!!!

 

These guys are addicted to the game... and know how to work it. I thought this guy that just pursued me was "different".... right, they know exactly what they're doing.

 

As someone also said above, I don't want to be the "other" woman, I want to be "the" woman... I asked myself if I wanted half a man (or who know, maybe 1/8th of a man, cus I strongly suspect he seeing other women as he travels a lot).... and I laughed and said to myself "half a man is better than no man at all".... but that is simply not true.

 

Half a man can eff up your life and totally wreck you for a while... as you are experiencing now.

 

What I sense from your post, having been down this road before, is that you want to be ready to say goodbye, but you're really not ready to say goodbye. Been there done that.

 

You will be ready when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving... that time is different for each of us.

 

I also want to recommend the book Women who Love Too Much... for helping to understand why letting go is so hard... (which obviously I need to re-read!)

 

And finally I want to say that there are very complex and powerful neurotransmitters and hormones at work when one is "in love"... and they powerfully mimic addiction... so that is part of the very real problem of letting go... that's why distance and NC work best because the chemicals can begin to decline with time... and there's where the healing lies.

 

These are all just my opinions based on my experience and reading in the past on how to heal from leaving a MM.... and honestly I can't believe I almost got sucked in again... but the attention and hormones feel so GOOD in the beginning...

 

But derailing my life is not worth the initial excitement and eventual pretty- much-guaranteed heartbreak...

 

Again, so sorry for what you're going thru... a clean break will be best. In your case since you can't leave right now... decide if the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving... and stick with it.

[whichwayisup]

Talkmedown:

 

Your post has helped me so much to know not to start down this path. My last two "relationships" were with married men... and were dead ends. And in fact both of the MM were seeing OTHER OW!!!!

 

These guys are addicted to the game... and know how to work it. I thought this guy that just pursued me was "different".... right, they know exactly what they're doing.

 

You are addicted too. Your 3rd MM. OK, this one was unknowingly, but now you DO know and you need to take a deep look inside yourself and find out why this keeps happening. Why aren't you learning a lesson, harsh enough that will keep you away from MM and having affairs.

 

Dump this guy. Who cares if you have feelings for him, he isn't yours.

 

Get some counselling so you can fix yourself and be more secure, not settle for second fiddle. 3 affairs is a red flag in YOUR life - If you want love and happiness, a life of your own with a husband and children one day, you need to walk away from this MM and say goodbye forever.

[talkmedown]

You are addicted too. Your 3rd MM. OK, this one was unknowingly, but now you DO know and you need to take a deep look inside yourself and find out why this keeps happening. Why aren't you learning a lesson, harsh enough that will keep you away from MM and having affairs.

 

Dump this guy. Who cares if you have feelings for him, he isn't yours.

 

Get some counselling so you can fix yourself and be more secure, not settle for second fiddle. 3 affairs is a red flag in YOUR life - If you want love and happiness, a life of your own with a husband and children one day, you need to walk away from this MM and say goodbye forever.

 

Agreed. Dump this guy,

[skywriter]

To add to Brighterwashing's list,

 

Imagine the discovery day! He's gonna hide behind his W, and be a coward.

 

I only believe that, because if he weren't a coward, he wouldn't be hiding you now. You wouldn't be his dirty little secret, and you wouldn't be here posting , feeling like you do.

[whichwayisup]

Agreed. Dump this guy,

 

Why you are telling me to dump this guy? I'm not having an A. That advice I gave was to you, not fallen. You need to dump this guy since you're the one having the A.

[wannabdone]

Fallen,

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know how incredibly painful this is. And honestly, there are no tried and true ways of working through this. It really all depends on how you cope with things and what works best for you.

 

First off, my suggestion, and one that helped me TREMENDOUSLY is going to IC. This will give you an outlet to speak to someone and to really do a deep dive into what is keeping you connected. There could be a whole host of reasons that have created this perfect storm that you will put yourself last in order to have the hope that it might work out and he might finally wake up.

 

Somethings I have learned in my IC is that we repeat traumas. If you have something in the your past that was hurtful, we will continue to place ourselves in positions to continue that cycle of pain. Usually in the hopes that we will finally break that trauma, and this will make all the wrongs in our life right. Hope is a POWERFUL thing. It will tie us to ppl that usually we would walk away from in a heart beat. This is probably the very same reason why his W stays with him. The hope that he will finally quit doing this and just make things work at home.

 

I went through the same feelings of "did he love me". I finally came to this conclusion..... he might have loved me. But it wasn't enough for me. I deserve to be the only woman. I deserve security and safety and I was not getting it from him. Whether he loved you or not, he didn't love you enough. And as much as that hurts to accept, it might help you.

 

MM/MW are simply NOT available. Not physically, not emotionally. You are left to get bits and pieces of someone, when you are worthy of getting EVERYTHING from someone.

 

Maybe you can look at this is you have found what it is you want. You have learned that you can love like you never thought before. And you know what it is exactly you need/want/deserve from a partner.

 

As clique as it is it really is a day by day process. Set goals for yourself, but ones you can achieve. If you set ones you can not achieve, you only set yourself up for failure, and you will often times regress back into the relationship in its entirety.

 

Know you can do this. I NEVER thought I could. I loved this man with every single ounce of me. I was caught in such torture and torment for 10 years of my life. And I literally gave up those ten years of my life for someone who was never coming to get me, never would be available. So much time lost, so much hurt. For what? Absolutely nothing. 10 years later, I still don't have him, I'm still not in a life with him. I am just hurt more than I was 2 years ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago.

 

Make peace with yourself that you DESERVE THE BEST. Because you do.

 

There is someone out there waiting for you. someone who is available and will love you and respect you, not lie to you, not hurt you, give you peace and security, and will choose you every single chance he gets. Its not this guy. I am sorry, I know that hurts, but hopefully knowing there is someone out there who will, will help.

 

YOU CAN DO THIS!! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

[fallen16]

Wannabedone and Talkmedown..........thank you. I have been away for a week on vacation. I thought I had become stronger with the distance. I came back to work, to him and every emotion poured out like a floodgate suddenly opened. I am here in tears once more. I want so badly for it to be over , but once again the pain is so real. Will these tears ever end? Will I ever stop thinking about him and hurting? Once I straightened out my desk, I immediately logged in to read the posts. They do give me such strength. When I cannot seem to muster it myself, reading everyones posts help. Today is particularly bad. I feel so helpless and so hurt. Then I get angry with myslef and want to stop feeling sorry for myself. Then I play over and over again all the things he said and how he made me feel and I cry. It just feels like I will never find this again. But then again, what is this? a fantasy.....never to be a reality. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I would cope better. I thought it would get easier. It hasn't...yet.

There are days like today, I just cannot function and worse yet, I don't function. I have no life. it just feels like I have nothing but pain and misery. This is such an empty feeling but it has such impact. I believe the pain out is more than the pleasure in so why hasnt that helped? Maybe I am in need of some serious help. I am sorry if I sound so pathetic. Trust I hate myself for that too. Right now I hate myself for pretty much everything. I wish I could hate him this much.