Friends led to an affair now we both are in love...

[Lina37]

I have been involved with a MM for 6 years now. I am now divorced (3 years) but he is still married. We became good friends then it led to more & we are both in love. He wanted me to up & leave my husband within the 1 st few months of our affair but I felt like everything was happening so fast & really felt bad for his children so said no. He was hurt I declined. Well 6 years later were still together. I divorced 3 years into it but he refuses cause now he's waiting on the kids to graduate. He claims 2 more years. Well I have no right as a mistress to give him a time to leave or ultimatum because I'm wrong for even being in this situation to begin with. My ex husband abused me & drugs & refused to get help year after year Not to mention cheated & got another girl pregnant & gave me a stupid STD (which my lover/MM) knows about. I fell out of love with him fell for another guy & left. Well now I'm 1 year away from being 30 & getting tired of waiting. I don't even know if he's going to leave his wife like he says but I am deeply in love with him. He says there is no passion & sex with his wife but I'm not there so I can't truly believe it. He tells me 1 day he wants me to have his babies & marry me but I don't even have a promise ring. I pay all my bills & by my own things. He helps me with car troubles (I buy parts) he fixes them but financially I never rely on him. He takes me out for the day several times a year but other than that we see each other at work & spend a lot of lunches together. Yup were co workers! I make lunch for him & am just kind of getting tired of the same routine. I've tried talking to close friends but everyone doesn't understand cause I feel we love each other. I've never dated or been with anyone aside from him or my ex husband. He says hell leave me if I do mess with anyone meanwhile he's sleeping at home with his wife. I'm so confused because a part of me wants to believe he's leaving soon for me then I think I don't want to deal with the drama surrounding a home wrecker which technically I am that because I should have never got involved w/him to begin with. **** happens people!!! Never say it can't happen to you!!! So bottom line I'm feeling a bit used & like I'm settling for less. I really have no experience cause I've never dated & can't cause he sees my every move (GPS) then I feel that I love him & couldn't even see myself with another man. I'm so confused. I tried breaking up with him but miss him after a few days of not talking. He calls & we talk & end up back to seeing each other.Then at work he's mean to me (when i try to leave)by ignoring me & I need to communicate at work for business purposes. Does anyone have advice out there? I love this MM but he is a MM & I'm not sure to believe him about leaving since I've been on my own & alone here 3 years doing wifely duties ( like cooking) ****.. I've done broken a lot of mistress rules cause of love & now am feeling used, jealous, & fed up!!! Is it time to walk away? He promises not to ever talk with me if I see anyone but him. He's having his cake & eating it too & I feel so damn foolish still here in this situation! I hurt & I feel lonely a lot. I think of what to say to break up then when we're face to face I can't remember **** & enjoy our time together. UGH I'm so lost :-(And feel like I should move on but don't know how then a part of me feels he is everything I want in a man except the fact that he's a MM! Dammit how did I get into this craziness!!!

[whichwayisup]

The choice really is yours. Stay and continue to be the OW. Accept things as they are - An affair. It is what it is and be happy - OR, if you want more and since you say you're 30 and you probably want your own life with someone, children etc., then you do need to think about ending this affair. He's told you he has no plans on leaving for a couple of years. SO, what happens if you wait 2 more years and then he gives you some other reason why he can't or won't leave his marriage and family. That's ANOTHER 2 years of YOUR life waiting for nothing..

 

I hope you get strong and end it, can grieve the loss and heal so you can find love and start your own family with someone who adores only you!

 

The bottomline is, you deserve the best and he is unable to give that to you.

[PhoenixRise]

Wait.

 

Are you saying this Married Man tracks your whereabouts via GPS??

 

I think, if you ever manage to pull yourself out of this situation, you are going to realize that this man NOT leaving his wife is the best thing that has ever happened to you.

 

It sounds like you have been through a lot. Your previous husband abused you, abused drugs, gave you an STD, got another woman pregnant, etc.

 

Have you ever had any counseling to help you process all of that?

 

 

AND

 

Do you and MM practice safe sex?

[scatterd]

I am so sorry for your pain you really need to get out of this. How dare he tell you if you are seen with anyone its

over. Hes with his wife and it would not be clicking with her if he is not showing her any love.Your still young dont waste your time on this possessive cake eater.You deserve more then he can give you.Find a man that can give you all the love you deserve. He is getting away with this because its allowed. I hope that you can find the strenth inside you to get away from this.I am sure

this has been hard and the longer you are with him the harder it gets.

[Gentlegirl2]

Sorry Lina,

 

He is never going to leave her.. kids are a commonly used excuse.

 

YOu are very fortunate that he is NOT going to leave.

 

He is manipulationg you and controlling your whole life. For God's sake grow a spine woman!

 

Tell this ******* that he has no right to dictate what you will do and whom you will see.

 

You DO have rights to give him an ultimatum. If that's what you want ,then do so. It won't do any good though.

 

He is the one who has no rights because he is married and belongs to somebody else.

 

Please don't think I am being unkind. I know how people get into these situations because I was there for 3 years myself. I am free for 15 months now and very much at peace.

Don't wast another precious minute on the scumbag.

 

GG

[MissBee]

Wait.

 

Are you saying this Married Man tracks your whereabouts via GPS??

 

I think, if you ever manage to pull yourself out of this situation, you are going to realize that this man NOT leaving his wife is the best thing that has ever happened to you.

 

It sounds like you have been through a lot. Your previous husband abused you, abused drugs, gave you an STD, got another woman pregnant, etc.

 

Have you ever had any counseling to help you process all of that?

 

 

AND

 

Do you and MM practice safe sex?

 

I don't think any woman who has been abused can just leave the situation and simply "find a new man"...chances are, you'll continue to attract similar men and bad situations until you debrief and work on how you got there to begin with.

 

You've only ever been with 2 men in life? Your abusive husband and now your married boyfriend who also emotionally abuses you and controls you. This is NOT a good situation. I feel very badly for you because you don't deserve it and you should not be forced into being with someone, and this my dear is NOT love. Your friends realize this is crazy....they are exasperated because this is not love. None of what you described is loving. From day one he tried to control you by asking you to divorce when he had no such plan...6 years later....

 

Please seek some counseling so that your counselor can discuss with you in real life and give you some options and help you build your strength. This MM is also an abuser and you're repeating the same dynamic with a new man (which often happens until we actively take time out to discover ourselves and break cycles). You should be able to date freely and learn what a good relationship is and how to love yourself, have boundaries and DEMAND respect. You should not hop from one man to another who uses you and controls you and offers little more than affection (which you have to fight for and which your MM uses to punish you and keep you in your place by withholding it and doling it out in a very manipulative way smh).

 

A loving relationship looks nothing like this and would not have you feeling this way and I imagine it is very difficult for you to even know what it looks like. You got the strength to leave your husband (albeit what you did was leave him to jump into another bad man's arms)...and so too you can leave him. You will not die because you miss him. We ALL have broken up with people and have been broken up with, missed them....but life went on. It hurts for a while but this drama and pain is worse. All you have to do is distract yourself from the missing him part and day by day you realize, 1 day passed and I cried but didn't call or see him, 2 days past same, 2 weeks, 2 months and I didn't even cry that much, before you know it 2 years have passed and you don't even think about him unless you make yourself do it. I have lived it, I know! I also understand how you can feel like being in this drama is better than being alone...smh...but it's not. Seek a counselor to help you out. You also started an A with a coworker...not to chastise you, but for the benefit of any woman lurking who's reading...please don't do this! It's bad enough trying to break it off but adding that they work at your job, you're messing with your money. No bueno! That makes things even more complicated. If you can avoid him at work or get transferred to another department or do something to create distance...do it! Just start ignoring him and start counseling and focusing on YOU.

 

I doubt he will leave and you know what? It doesn't matter if he does...he is STILL an abusive man! Listen to me Lina....he is not a good boyfriend or husband material to you or anyone else! You should not want him and you should seek some counseling to help you figure out why he is appealing to you.It's hard to up and leave and not ever look back...but not impossible. Women here do it ALL the time, and they found it hard too. Break it off...ignore his calls, emails, other messages, focus on your job and ignore him. If he ignores you sometimes and is mean to you...two can play that game...ignore him too! Hang out with your friends, seek counseling, post on LS, buy self-help books, dive into YOU and while difficult...you WILL get over him and you WILL realize how very bad this situation was and you'll be so thankful that you started worrying about you and eventually you'll attract better men. Goodluck!

Edited March 14, 2012 by MissBee

[Lina37]

Thanks so much everyone for all your comments. It helps to hear similar opinions & advice from others who took the time to read my crazy situation. It truly gives me encouragement to do what I need to do. Leave & not take him back when he tries to be brainwashing & manipulative as he does when I tell him it's over. I know I can do this as I've left a 7 year marriage that was hard & hurtful as well. @PhoenixRise, yup gps. 1st instinct I had was creepy then he made me think it's for "safety" in case something happens to me??? Really!!! I use GPS a lot to get around then when I turn it off he thinks I'm seeing someone else. He's very jealous & possessive & I'm beginning to think why am I so attracted to someone like this. Yes safe sex is a must! I love the quote you dropped. I am over being a doormat & need to change my life! @Scattered, thx for the real talk I know your just telling like it is & I respect that. I totally agree that I need to grow a backbone thx for the reminder. It gets hella hard to leave as time goes on but after hearing some of u were was in an affair & got ou gives hope & I know I can find the strength within myself after all the **** I been through so far in life. @GG, thx for ur insight & reminding me the truth is right in front of me & I know what I have to do & need to do it now! I refuse to go through another year living this way! What a waste of my twenties! I'm done! @ MissBee, yes 2 men in my whole life so far & after reading your comment along with the others it really makes me realize I'm not being as strong & demanding as I should & am allowing this man to manipulate everything I do. He's 9 years older than me & knows how to really mind **** me. I am believing stuff he is probably just telling me to keep me hanging on. I know I won't die if I leave & may hurt for a little while. I will look into counseling because the childhood of mines was ****ed too maybe that's why I am attracted to an older man not having a father. Mom was a prostitute & many men ran in & out our home some of them sexual abusing me & my sister. I have a lot of issues that I never talk about cause I'm like the past is the past & that's it but maybe some of my upbringing has levto my poor choices...not sure. I will try the counseling thing & pray for strength to get away from this affair. Thx everyone!!!!!

[The Blue Knight]

Thanks so much everyone for all your comments. It helps to hear similar opinions & advice from others who took the time to read my crazy situation. It truly gives me encouragement to do what I need to do. Leave & not take him back when he tries to be brainwashing & manipulative as he does when I tell him it's over. I know I can do this as I've left a 7 year marriage that was hard & hurtful as well. @PhoenixRise, yup gps. 1st instinct I had was creepy then he made me think it's for "safety" in case something happens to me??? Really!!! I use GPS a lot to get around then when I turn it off he thinks I'm seeing someone else. He's very jealous & possessive & I'm beginning to think why am I so attracted to someone like this. Yes safe sex is a must! I love the quote you dropped. I am over being a doormat & need to change my life! @Scattered, thx for the real talk I know your just telling like it is & I respect that. I totally agree that I need to grow a backbone thx for the reminder. It gets hella hard to leave as time goes on but after hearing some of u were was in an affair & got ou gives hope & I know I can find the strength within myself after all the **** I been through so far in life. @GG, thx for ur insight & reminding me the truth is right in front of me & I know what I have to do & need to do it now! I refuse to go through another year living this way! What a waste of my twenties! I'm done! @ MissBee, yes 2 men in my whole life so far & after reading your comment along with the others it really makes me realize I'm not being as strong & demanding as I should & am allowing this man to manipulate everything I do. He's 9 years older than me & knows how to really mind **** me. I am believing stuff he is probably just telling me to keep me hanging on. I know I won't die if I leave & may hurt for a little while. I will look into counseling because the childhood of mines was ****ed too maybe that's why I am attracted to an older man not having a father. Mom was a prostitute & many men ran in & out our home some of them sexual abusing me & my sister. I have a lot of issues that I never talk about cause I'm like the past is the past & that's it but maybe some of my upbringing has levto my poor choices...not sure. I will try the counseling thing & pray for strength to get away from this affair. Thx everyone!!!!!

 

Actually I'm dumbfounded by this guys rules with you Lina. He's jealous and worries you might be seeing someone else? NOTE to Lina: He's married and as you said in your opening posting, he's got the best of both worlds. Now, to add to his best of both worlds scenario, he's attempting to control you by treating you like he's your "jealous" husband when in fact he's nothing more than your on and off fling.

 

If the man is jealous to this degree I'd be careful. That's a telltale sign of an insecure person who has major trust issues. But more importantly, where in the &$#% does he get off with knowing your whereabouts at all times. Perhaps you might want to ask this jerk to wear an audio device when he's home with his wife so you can monitor how much wild sex they're having despite his ridiculous claims he's not.

[happyme]

Hiya Lina,

 

I agree with all the responses you have received so far.... and I get the impression that you are a lot stronger and more capable than perhaps you realise. The life you have experienced so far may have lead you to accept situations and treatment from others which ideally you should not, but it appears you have insight and want to change things. Excellent! You can. This man is abusing you and you deserve so...... much more. Unbelievable creepy behaviour of his... wow. Tracking you via GPS for your safety?? Nonsense! He is simply a massive control freak (yuk). But be careful... think and take advice from trusted and sensible friends, he sounds like a true creep. Sorry Lina, I know you think you love him but you can do so much better for yourself. Start finding out who you really are... all the positive things which make you you... and SEE that you deserve true love (ie: respect, trust). Start by giving these things to yourself and you will blossom! Eventually will see that he is not a person you want in your life because you are worth so much more and won't settle for less.

[BrighterWashing]

Hang on, you're sick the routine and you only make lunch for him? What do you think it will be like if he leaves, you move in, and suddenly you're in the routine of lunches, dinners, washing and all the other daily chores? Even if he helps out its a lot more routine than what you have. And the sex won't make up for it. In fact it will be less exciting once it is above board.

 

 

The bottomline is, you deserve the best and he is unable to give that to you.

 

I'm sorry if it's not diplomatic but I'm curious why this is such a common sentiment. I get that someone who feels they're worth more won't let herself become the OW. But why are people so sure a particular OW is worth more? Surely she knows herself best? Hasn't she shown by her actions she doesn't deserve more? More than what? Certainly not more than the wife. So why does she deserve anything good?

[Mme. Chaucer]

At least stop making his lunch.

[Lina37]

Update....3days after this post of mines I broke it off! It has been a true wake up call to get other peoples opinion on his matter! I have not yet seen a counselor but it's next on my list! I thought I had love but was so wrong! Thanks everyone for the good, bad advice. I took what I needed & laughed at what I didn't I am strong & needed to just get some encouragement from others since I felt alone in this for the ppl who don't understand duh I didn't expect you to cause your not in the situation so thanks & don't judge me. I'm sure you're not perfect either! I'm sure there is someone out there who can relate & that's another reason why I shared my story aside from getting a look from the outside' I feel free now & have changed my # since he kept blowing me up & trying to get me back. I've also left my job & moved out of town! I've never met such a possessive man & he was married do glad I was able to leave! It hurts sometimes but I been keeping busy & have a new job! Lesson learned not ever messing with a MM again! Starting a new life & focusing on me!

[whichwayisup]

I feel free now & have changed my # since he kept blowing me up & trying to get me back. I've also left my job & moved out of town! I've never met such a possessive man & he was married do glad I was able to leave! It hurts sometimes but I been keeping busy & have a new job!

 

All these changes happened? You broke it off, quit your job, moved away, found a new place to live and got another job - All in less than 3 weeks?

 

Anyway, I wish you luck in life. No more MM!

[wannabdone]

Wow. That is a lot to process reading through this thread.

 

Good luck to you Lina. I hope its easy sailing from here on out. Moving, changing number, breaking it off, quitting your job.... goodness. That is a whole lot of change in such a short time.

 

Let me know how you got through this so easily.... some of us could use some pointers.

 

I wish you the best!

[happyme]

Of course she deserves better than that... everyone does. However, if people believe that bad treatment is as much as they can expect to get then they will be more likely to attract it. Therefore it is important to have self-respect, self-confidence.

 

Well done Lina! Very proud of you

[melbeau]

Ms. Lina, it seems like you went through alot in a short period of time. What is in store for you now??

 

Hopefully you find a good counselor and work through some of your past childhood and recent events in your life. Remember, victims, sometimes fall into that role for a reason, or several reasons... Find out what yours are, so you can grow/learn not to repeat this pattern. Save yourself, don't rely on some other man to save you.

 

Another thing is, victims can also become the victimizer in other/new relationships.. don't do this. My advice would be, work on you, become happy and secure with you first, know your boundaries and limitations... And once you have healed and are ready --hopefully you will find a man that is your equal.. and good/healthy relationship!

[MissBee]

Of course she deserves better than that... everyone does. However, if people believe that bad treatment is as much as they can expect to get then they will be more likely to attract it. Therefore it is important to have self-respect, self-confidence.

 

Well done Lina! Very proud of you

 

Indeed....this is true!

 

Most of us who end up in destructive relationships or other scenarios that are not the best or hurt us is because of a subconscious belief that this is what we deserve, and how we got to that belief can happen in a myriad of ways. However, I believe that at the end of the day, ALL are deserving of love and being treated well and the goal is first for that individual to awaken to that truth FOREMOST before they attract others who believe the same about them and will in turn treat them well.

[Lina37]

Addressing the last 2 opinions ......Yes it is a lot of change in a short period & is not as easy as you may think, but possible. Thankfully I have a friend who offered me a place to stay & a job with her company. I opened up to her & told her all I have been going through & felt very lost when I broke it off so she offered me to get awy from it all & I took her up on it. If it wasn't for her helping me get away i must say I would've most likely have got back together with the MM I was seeing. Being far away from him with a different # & starting over is what is helping me cope. Sometimes I cry cause I miss him but that's my fault for allowing my emotions to get involved. Live & learn I know in time it'll get easier than it feels right now. I'm keeping VERY busy & for me that's what works.

[Lina37]

Last two opinions from whichwayisup & wannabe done to clarify!

[scatterd]

Lina I am proud of you wow it did not take you long to get rid of him.I am

sorry you hurt it will take time.He will try to get you back thats what they

do he will promise you the world but dont fall for it.Even if he did get divorced you would be miserable because he is controlling.I found out the controlling ones are usually beaters too.I wish you the best hang in there

things will get better.you will find someone who will treat you the way you need to be treated. good luck

[Lina37]

Thanks scattered! When I first posted my story I was already at the verge of leaving I just needed that extra push which I got from all the feedback. I was feeling used & tired of the same routines & wanted out I just believed I was in love. I was afraid of the unknown & hurting his feelings by I did it. Moving away truly helped. If I had to see him now I'd probably give into his lies & promises. I do feel I loved him still do to be honest but it's a fantasy love one with no commitment & is just wrong! I'm so thankful for the feedback this totally helped me do what I've been wanting to do the past several months...leave! I don't want any contact with him at all so that will help me get per him. I still feel hurt like a normal breakup feels & it sucks! But I'm trying my best to stay busy & positive! Not easy but so worth it! Peace of mind!