cutie_cat Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 He moved out last night... and I really want to contact him... What do people do with all this spare time? I have friends and family near by but you can't go out every day can you? I'm more a stay at home type. For almsot 8 years I have spoken to him everyday and now I'm really struggling... How can people do this to you? He seems to be out having fun and going on hols etc. He doesn't acti like it hurts at all - and I guess that hurts me even more. I woke up this morning feeling so down. On a positive note, I did download this ebook from www.exback.com about 'getting your ex back' - I am finding it to be quite useful. I am going to follow the plan and if it works then great - else at least I've done nothing but improve myself for the next person. Link to post Share on other sites
John1 Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 Hi, Its very hard when you split up and the other person is having a great time with their friends, they say they are happy and here we are devastated picking up the pieces. I was with my exgirlfriend for 4 years... we had our great times and our not so great times like every couple... 12 months ago she went on holidays with her family and while she was on holidays i went out with people from work.. we got drunk. and I kissed this girl... I made it out to be more though i dont know why.. when my ex came home the following week i told her i met somebody else.. which was stupid to say.. i should have told her i kissed a girl while i was drunk.. it meant nothing and i hope you can forgive me... etc.. She was devastated... We split up anyway and within maybe 2 days of clear thinking , I knew i wanted her back.. We had such great plans for the future.. why let 1 stupid drunken kiss matter... I tried to call my ex... she wouldnt answer her phone... I would get hammered drunk and would call and call not every day but most days... stupid I know.. anyway she changed her number... I would write her letters every week pleading and begging.. stupid I know... Nothing Worked.. I just wanted her back so much.. She wouldnt take me back.. We used to speak every day 3/4 times.. In the 12 months since we split we have spoken maybe 10-12 times.... Its pretty rough... I miss her so so much and I still love her and AM IN LOVE with her still... I met her last week. we are kind of back talking again which is great but she said she wont hang out with me and we wont be getting back together..., She said if she sees me in street or in pub we will say hello to each other but wont be arranging to meet up or hang out or anything.. THIS WAS A GIRL WHO WANTED TO MARRY ME 13 MONTHS AGO... The hard part is that we have mutual friends.. my friends are her friends etc... and I feel sorry for them... they are caught in the middle .... I dont go out anymore with them... not as regularly anyway and neither does she... 1 stupid mistake( initially 1 mistake ) has ruined our love for each other.. my friendship with friends.. i still hang out with them.. but its not the same as before.. Now my ex Rachel.. She is having a great time.. going out with her friends ( other girls) and meeting new people... shes going to concerts and just enjoying life to the max... she told me last week she hasnt had sexual relations since me ( we split up 12 months ago - so thats good to hear at least ) im the same, i havent been with any girls since... My point for this long post is that if you have only split within the last few days... dont do what I did... Cos what i did only made the distance between me and my ex farther.... she changed her number.. she moved out of home ( she was moving out anyway regardless if we split or not.. we were on the verge of moving in together after 4 years together and we were both looking forward to it) I miss her so much.. I asked her last week ( after 12 months apart) could we hang out.. she said NO.. I asked about the possibility of getting back together.. she said why would she want to get back with me.. she is having a great time... Shes not looking for a boyfriend at the moment... So Im going to backoff now and now pressure her.. I realise I cant change her mind.. maybe i can influence her decision but I cant change it.... It just makes our 4 year relationship worthless if we cant talk over a stupid mistake but thats just my opinion..She was my 1st serious g/f and I was her 1st seriouis b/f so I never experienced a breakup before but I still reacted VERY VERY BADLY.... As I said though, seens as though your breakup is pretty recent.. Dont do what I did.. Dont push him away... Give him time and who knows just dont beg and plead , you dont want them to take pity on you just to take you back...Begging and crying doesnt work... I can vouch for that.... Good Luck... This is going to be hard for you , theres no doubt about that.. Take Care John Link to post Share on other sites
Author cutie_cat Posted June 10, 2004 Author Share Posted June 10, 2004 Hi John Thanks for your reply.. Sorry things did not go well for you in the end... I probably should've clarified my situation.. we split up about 5 months ago - no-one else was involved - he thought we had drifted apart so ended it - we have been living in the same house until last night.. I have done the needy begging thing already.. some days we got on as if nothing had happened, other days we barely spoke -I guess cos it was too hard for him so he had to move out. He said he was sorry for the way things had turned out... I know he's hurting too so I don't know why he has lost faith in us. MY friends tell me to move on and that I can do better but you can't just cut him out of your life just like that I still love him though - I know somewhere deep down he still loves me on some level - but I think the bad things in our relationship are clouding his judgement. Anyway, we are selling our house and so the whole no contact full stop would not fully work until it's sold so I guess it's no contact unless we need to communicate about the house sale. I don't seem to be able to get thru to him - I'm hoping (maybe foolishly) that he will see what he is missing by moving out and may be open to talking things thru - I don't know if that will get us back together or not but at least I can move on knowing I tried. After 5 months of crying every night, I am now trying to concentrate on bettering myself in the meantime - going to the gym, reading self-help books and going out with people so when he sees me next I will remind him of what I was rather than the snivelling wreck that kept on begging him not to dump me.. it's shameful to be like that I know but love makes you act like an idiot sometimes and I still am really in love with him... I just don't know how to keep getting through each day without him. Love really does hurt! So, I'm still struggling with Day 2 - hopefully day 3 will become easier. Link to post Share on other sites
lilian Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 I know that this doesn't help much as it is coming from a complete stranger! But I really hope that you will feel better soon :-) I can so feel your pain as I have been with my boyfriend for two years. He's a GREAT guy and the amount of love he has given me over these two years is just awsome. I mean, he literally couldn't sleep or eat, had to see me all the time at the beginning. And I felt flattered and so happy that he would love me so much. it made me feel very good. It has been for a few months now where he started picking fights and sort of became more careless about us. I cannot tell you how scared I am of him breaking up with me. And, there is nothing you can do to prevent it. As STUPID as it sounds, but I do believe that time heals all wounds. I remember how devastated I was about my last break-up (i did the breaking up but because i had no choice). All that pain is gone now! So time does heal! Be strong and please believe that there is someone out there who cannot wait to get to know you and will love you with all his heart :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author cutie_cat Posted June 10, 2004 Author Share Posted June 10, 2004 Thank you Lilian - I hope you manage to work things out with your bf - at least you are aware there is a problem so hopefully it will not be too late to sort things out. Link to post Share on other sites
beautiful Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 This is going to be a difficult time for you however you can do it. Don't be so harsh on yourself and take each day one day at a time and take good careof yourself. The book that you downloaded is good however remember books are not always correct when it comes to real life feelings and dealings. I am not sure who invented this no contact rule thing. To me it is plain dumb in many ways. I think one should do what one feels like doing within limits. If you think about it , no one can tell what to do or how you should behave. Yes we look for answers on these boards and in books from family and friends but the buttom line is that you have to go through this alone and make choices for you. I think that the very best you can do is to truly take care of you and look at this time of seperation as a time for YOU to explore YOU. I truly believe that when 2 people are truly in love and meant to be with one another, things will work out for the best of each. Just be honest and be yourself . Most of all , love yourself enough toknow that you are special and just because someone doesen't want to be with you it doesen't mean that there is something wrong with you. Link to post Share on other sites
beautiful Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 I think what you wrote is right on target! You absolutely correct in now knowing that the more you want to pursue someone who left you, the more they run, the more you want them....it is a never ending battle full of emotions and pain and a huge ego booster for the one who is turning you down. The more one begs the more pathetic and weak they look to the dumpee. Huge Turn off! So definately a bad move to "run" after someone who dumped you. The very best thing to do is truly to be happy and live a happy live and be sincerely busy. It can be painful yes, but only if you allow it to be.! Link to post Share on other sites
organic chemistry Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 tried no contact...i really think no contact works.... after a long period of time has passed...the pain will be less intense..that's when there is chance for genuine talking and communication....tried to force communication be4 both r ready will be very destructive... i was just like u....couldn't live freely....counting on hours and days to pass....until we got into another horrible fight...and that was the moment that i found out i couldn't live like this anymore... then i stopped calling,engaged myself into studying groups,friends,religious activities,etc etc. then time started to fly by so quick..that now i hate it....i think i dun have enough time to enjoy life Link to post Share on other sites
Author cutie_cat Posted June 11, 2004 Author Share Posted June 11, 2004 Day 3... still painful. I think it's worst when I wake up in the morning and realise it was not a dream. Thanks for all you advice though - this is a really good place to talk Link to post Share on other sites
organic chemistry Posted June 13, 2004 Share Posted June 13, 2004 o...sorry i didn't catch it the first time....u guys were together for 8 yrs... then that must be really hard for u....sorry to hear that.....and gd luck, stay strong almost like 5 months after we broke up....i still dream of my ex...frequently...literally every night the dream was so gd...but usually the dream happens when it's almost time to wake up so in the dream i'm having a gd time..but still i realize it's just a dream...so i have to force myself to wake up but these dreams give me hope...i know i love him....and want him even if we r not together i'll continue to live and see what the future holds Link to post Share on other sites
Author cutie_cat Posted June 14, 2004 Author Share Posted June 14, 2004 I think this is day 6 - I feel much more positive today - guess thats good huh? Link to post Share on other sites
quasimoto Posted June 15, 2004 Share Posted June 15, 2004 stay strong cutie cat- i was with my missus for 6 yrs when we split apart about two months ago, so i feel ya. i haven't contacted her out of respect to her and we haven't spoken/seen each other in about 2 months now (you can get there, just stay strong!) she contacted me asking if we could chat, but i turned her down saying that i appreciated her offer but i didn't think it was appropriate to do so at the present time. most recently, i was diagnosed w/ depression, which wasn't related to being broken up with, but i realized it after some self-examination and subsequent therapy for treatment of ptsd. i feel it contributed greatly to our divide last year & i am torn between explaining it to her or just letting it be right now. i'm still in the midst of therapy, and i know we will be seeing each other in the end of july at our friend's wedding. there is a time to finally make contact, but i don't know if now is the time to do it. what should i do-get further down the road or contact her soon? i'm leaning towards saying something as there's a lot to explain right now as i'm understanding a great deal about her, myself & our relationship, but i don't want to overstep my boundaries and say too much. i am not interested in getting back together as it's not going to be possible right now anyway (geographically distance applies here). advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cutie_cat Posted June 16, 2004 Author Share Posted June 16, 2004 Quasimoto - thx 4 the reply.. I'm now at one week with no contact and I feel much better... I don't really think of him every waking minute so that is progress for me! Sorry to hear about your situation.. if I was you I'd talk to your ex about it- it might help her understand why things went wrong and will allow her to make a decision knowing the full facts.. be careful not to rely on her too much in the meantime - I made that mistake and I think that is why I found it so hard to even think about moving on. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
quasimoto Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 yeh...best of luck to you to CC & thx likewise for the feedback. no contact does get easier once you put in in terms of being respectful to you ex & giving them space. unless they totally betrayed you, you prolly respect them & care a great deal about them and want them to be happy regardless. i haven't had any sort of dependence on the missus since we split, which is pretty cool. i feel really strong & proud of myself for more or less being on my own, and it becomes a source of pride to know that i got past that weak part of exhibiting rashness & letting my emotions show. hopefully you'll get there too. i ended up writing a letter basically saying what was up in regards to my treatment, that my state was not initiated by our break, that i wasn't concerned about getting back together right now but that i was concerned about her being happy and strong, and that i support the decision to be apart. i would be happy to post some exerpts from it as i'm in anonymity-i don't think it's sappy or manipulative but an objective eye is always valued. Link to post Share on other sites
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