Little revelations...

[BewitchedandBothered]

I got to talking with a mutual friend yesterday out of the blue; very sweet and kind lady and we were talking for a few hours about anything and everything. I can't remember which one of us brought up my ex, but she said that a lady in their circle said "I can't believe even HE has a g/f..." (said out of lament as she has had bad luck with relationships and had been recently dumped).

 

it's just funny that she said that. Apparently he made it obvious that he has a g/f, but when I was involved with him, he tried his darndest to keep it a secret. I am still trying to wrap my head around it, and some days it hurts. Not as much as it used to; I am seriously baffled.

 

I had asked her about all those people he had block me (she was one of them, but then unblocked me because she said the idea was ridiculous and immature-even sent me a note of apology back then and sent me another friend request.)--she was the lady who friended me months before and when he saw, he freaked out on me for accepting the request of one of his friends. He was infuriated. To this day, he asks his friends if they are friends with me/did they block me yet/did anyone unblock me, etc.

 

She told me that yesterday he inboxed her asking if she was dating a fellow we know, he also asked her if she was still friends with me. Unbelievable. He is on a mission to make sure I am held in low esteem, I guess.

 

She told me that the group of minions who blocked me don't really get together as they used to and she thinks a few of them are phonies. She had a falling out with 2 of them and saw some true colors. That at least made me feel better; someone else saw the phoniness....

 

The little revelations are nice, but....Will the new g/f see his true colors or did I imagine his abuse? I still have to wonder if maybe we just were not compatible. I didn't think that mental games and such were a way to handle that, though.

 

Still hurts to have been hidden, when he seems so proud of this new one that she gets to be all over his wall with pictures and such--when he threatened me if I did that. If I did comment, he deleted comment and restricted his wall so I couldn't comment or even 'like' something. the clouds are clearing, but I am still foggy about some things.

 

I wish I could just move on as if it never happened. He certainly got to do so.

Edited March 14, 2012 by BewitchedandBothered

[Philosoraptor]

Proud of the new one? Sounds more like he is being immature and trying to rub things in your face. Just the fact that he is asking his friends if they are friends with you, and went off when you accepted a freind request from a friend, shows that he is not in a very good place.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Proud of the new one? Sounds more like he is being immature and trying to rub things in your face. Just the fact that he is asking his friends if they are friends with you, and went off when you accepted a freind request from a friend, shows that he is not in a very good place.

 

Hi, Philo!! Well, what I mean by proud of the new one is he seems eager to show her off when I was kept a secret; he didn't want anyone to know about me, but he is relaxed to show off this new girl. Even his brothers got to meet her.

 

When he and I were seeing each other, that was the time he became infuriated when his friends would send me requests or if he got wind I was getting along great with some, communication by phone, etc, it made him so angry, that when we did break up, he turned a few against me saying I am a liar, evil, have fake Facebook identities so I could spy on him, etc. It was awful.

 

Yes, just the other day, he was asking people if they are friends with me, if so, why, asking people if i am still blocked. Makes me think maybe I was really this terrible person.

[Philosoraptor]

Ok? You're throwing yourself under the bus here. You are worth showing off and you need to be with someone who makes you feel that way.

 

You need to break away from this person as their immaturity is causing you great pain. He clearly wants to have a level of control over you still, even though the relationship is over. You need to take your control back and not let his actions affect you.

 

Next time he asks about your life you need to respond "What is going on in my life is none of your concern." Then just stop responding all together. Granted, this will piss him off to a whole new level. But continue to ignore him and not let him control anything about you or your life.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Ok? You're throwing yourself under the bus here. You are worth showing off and you need to be with someone who makes you feel that way.

 

You need to break away from this person as their immaturity is causing you great pain. He clearly wants to have a level of control over you still, even though the relationship is over. You need to take your control back and not let his actions affect you.

 

Next time he asks about your life you need to respond "What is going on in my life is none of your concern." Then just stop responding all together. Granted, this will piss him off to a whole new level. But continue to ignore him and not let him control anything about you or your life.

 

thank you for that; it's believing it that I need to work on. Lots of damage was done. Not sure what it was about me that made him want to behave this way, even after it is long over and he is with someone new. The last time he texted me was August, but I did not respond. It was under the guise of being sweet and asking how I was--he was really wondering why someone blocked him and figured I was behind it. I figured, why even answer him. That was that.

 

But....around the time it ended, he wanted to know what was going on in my life and I told him to keep his spoon out of my bowl. His life is not my fault and my life is none of his business. He didn't seem offended; he actually seemed to enjoy pissing me off. Said it turned him on when I would give it right back to him. pretty sick. He was incredibly controlling. That's why I am always wondering about this new one. maybe he stopped all this stuff just for her.

 

Each day it gets a little better, but there are setbacks. I am never tempted to call him---he used to do most of the calling. but I can't help but wonder sometimes. I know I will get there; I have come pretty far, but...My pride and ego were hurt and like you said, time to take that all back.

 

It does bug me that he to this very day, asks people if they are friends with me, and why, etc. if i am still blocked/deleted. makes me a little bit sad.

Edited March 15, 2012 by BewitchedandBothered

[CopingGal]

Believe me, I understand what it feels like to be hidden from everyone....and I never found out why...just lies and vague answers. I was hidden from everyone from facebook to family members. He never held my hand in public. He only held my hand in a dark movie theatre. It was like dating a married man.

 

I hated it but tried to respect his dislike for public displays of affection and the other reasons he gave me. I guess in reality he never loved me and never wanted people to see us together so he could keep his options open.

 

It stings and it hurts.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Believe me, I understand what it feels like to be hidden from everyone....and I never found out why...just lies and vague answers. I was hidden from everyone from facebook to family members. He never held my hand in public. He only held my hand in a dark movie theatre. It was like dating a married man.

 

I hated it but tried to respect his dislike for public displays of affection and the other reasons he gave me. I guess in reality he never loved me and never wanted people to see us together so he could keep his options open.

 

It stings and it hurts.

 

It does sting and hurt; I feel like I was a big, fat nothing. Why was he with me? He could never perform, so he couldn't have been using me for sex. Maybe he pretended I was his ex wife whom he claimed to hate. Everything he said she did to him, he did to me. kept his phone on the table all the time, walkd ahead of me holding his phone, not my hand---it wasn't like that at first, though; he was smitten with me (his words.) Then it got all weird. Now I am still left picking up the pieces and he moved on. Still baffled.

[Kamila]

Some men can be real jerks after a relationship has ended. Countless of friends of mine told me that. My ex-bf wasn't that big of a jerk, yours is.

 

That must make the post break-up period awful. Nonetheless, he's hurting like you, he just deals with it very badly.

 

Flaunting a new girl can sting, that I know. My ex did that to me. It's like they want to break us emotionally, again.

 

If it's any consolation, the new girl is in the honeymoon phase. That will wear off and she'll see his true colours also, when it's too late and she already loves him.

 

Good for you to hang in there. With time, lots of time, the memory of him will disappear gradually.

 

And one day, you'll be astonished and say to yourself: " I didn't think about him the whole day !" (What happend to me btw, )

[BewitchedandBothered]

Some men can be real jerks after a relationship has ended. Countless of friends of mine told me that. My ex-bf wasn't that big of a jerk, yours is.

 

That must make the post break-up period awful. Nonetheless, he's hurting like you, he just deals with it very badly.

 

Flaunting a new girl can sting, that I know. My ex did that to me. It's like they want to break us emotionally, again.

 

If it's any consolation, the new girl is in the honeymoon phase. That will wear off and she'll see his true colours also, when it's too late and she already loves him.

 

Good for you to hang in there. With time, lots of time, the memory of him will disappear gradually.

 

And one day, you'll be astonished and say to yourself: " I didn't think about him the whole day !" (What happend to me btw, )

 

thanks, Kamila, I keep telling myself, this is just those sweet beginnings of honeymoon stage, but it wasn't long before I started seeing odd behavior==but I blew it off because of my feelings for him. When the abuse started, I was confused and then I wasn't feeling love for him anymore, just hurt feelings , anger and bitterness. He is flaunting her--he NEVER once flaunted me during that beginning phase. I don't get what she sees in him===but in the beginning, he was so very charming and sweet. But very critical after awhile, and controlling.

 

I hope his true colors come out. At the end, he told me he doesn't want to be alone, he needs someone in his life--I couldn't be there every single day and night for him and that's what he wanted. While we were still together, he was on all the dating sites.--found out through his ex wife and a friend of mine who was on a dating site. She saw him on there and I saw his profile "looking for my soulmate"--the last weekend he begged me to spend with him, he called me his soulmate...those sites were up the entire time in the final month we were together.

 

He was asking advice about me to a mutual friend and told her he never said he loved me, etc. That was one of the things that hurt the most; he denied saying he loved me. Not sure why he behaved this way, but the new girl seems to be getting the respect. She does have money from what I hear and he always said "I miss having a second income"--the ex wife made a ton of money. He complained about that a lot. I am guessing he wants to be taken care of. He said he was lonely and needs someone and I wasn't available enough.--he should have said that long before. I was strung along and then the mental games and verbal abuse came.

It really does sicken me to see him so happy in this one picture that was posted on a friend's page.

[Philosoraptor]

So he was pretty much a big baby with the inability to take care of himself, thus always needing someone there for him? Don't pay attention to his false happiness, as this person is very broken inside.

[Philosoraptor]

Double post.. whoops.

[immitable]

Believe me, I understand what it feels like to be hidden from everyone....and I never found out why...just lies and vague answers. I was hidden from everyone from facebook to family members. He never held my hand in public. He only held my hand in a dark movie theatre. It was like dating a married man.

 

I hated it but tried to respect his dislike for public displays of affection and the other reasons he gave me. I guess in reality he never loved me and never wanted people to see us together so he could keep his options open.

 

It stings and it hurts.

CopingGal

He was either afraid of commitment or not really trusting you, anyway it shows that he was afraid of being hurt, he didn't want the public display and the public to know for just in case he is not with you anymore.

[BewitchedandBothered]

So he was pretty much a big baby with the inability to take care of himself, thus always needing someone there for him? Don't pay attention to his false happiness, as this person is very broken inside.

 

Mornin' Philo!! Yes, in the beginning, I thought, wow, he is charming and has it together! Then, a few months later, he would call complaining about owing taxes because of the settlement from his divorce. He was fixated on putting that money back into his account. I wanted to talk about us, not him and his ex. He talkd about her a lot and even called me by her name a few times.

 

Later, I started to see that he was very needy, he said he doesn't want to be alone. I don't get that. If you don't like being alone, how can you enjoy being with someone? I kind of like my space and with that space, I put in a favorite movie, do puzzles, play scrabble online, call friends, etc. He feels he's been alone too long (just a couple years after his divorce and when we started talking he was on a dating site). He was dating a lot of people from this site and told me how disappointing and unfulfilling it was. The more we talked, he said he was falling for me. I didn't feel that way at first. it was after meeting him that I felt a true chemistry.

 

He kept talking about missing that extra income and "I'm getting up there in life and don't want to be alone"--he is only 44. Sorry, but to me that is not 'getting up there'. He would tell me I was his soulmate and he loved me, but when I became friends with someone he forbade me to, he denied saying he loved me to that friend and blocked me for accepting her friend request.- (this friend is someone different than the one I mentioned talking to the other day in the original posting).

 

Turns out, talking to her, helped fill in the blanks and gave me that aha moment. He didn't like me finding out things and then tried to say that this friend is a liar. Amazing.

 

People were warning me left and right, saying he's on other ladies' walls trying to pick them up, etc. and from what I have seen of his conduct, they were all correct. He made me think I was over reacting and why can't a guy have friends, etc. But as his g/f, to see him saying the same things to all these ladies as he was saying to me, really hurt. I didn't feel special anymore. I felt awful. And he blocked me for that--for being too into his Facebook as he says.

 

I never just went to his page, mind you---it would pop up in news feeds or people would bring it to my attention being well-meaning. Funny thing...initially, he would say "I can't stand drama; just getting away from it." He can't stand drama, but he is the one who causes it and it follows him around.

 

I don't recall, Philo, if I ever mentioned that during a time when I refused to talk to him, he texted me saying he needed a friend because a dear friend was diagnosed with mouth cancer and needed heavy surgery and treatment. I told him I would pray for her and if she ever wants to talk I would be happy to. And left it at that---he was using her ailment to smoke me out and get me to talk. He used her illness also, as a cover up to talk all hours of the night with other women, saying "SO and SO called to talk about our friend's illness and we want to see what we can do to help"---That so and so is married with kids and was on vacation that night and is on the phone with you after midnight talking about this? Caused a fight and he blocked me yet again.

 

Here is what is hurting also. I was diagnosed with a treatable cancer and it was a terrible time on top of dealing with his antics. When he found out, he simply sent me an email saying "best wishes". and didn't seem concerned, was not asking friends to gather to see what I needed and was simply asking people if I was lying about other things, why 2 ladies blocked him, etc. Made me feel extra awful. No genuine concern for me. Last time I saw him, I got sick in his car and that was that. He never called me to check up on me----he was on another woman's pictures saying "Wow, you have a GORGEOUS smile!!!!". I was hurt again. And being ill made me feel extra unattractive and a big zero.

 

It made sense to not respond to him ever again. He lies about me to this day. He puts this new girl on a pedestal. Yes, he is immature when I dealt with him, but why did I have to deal with all of that and this new one gets wined and dined? I wonder if he falls asleep on their dates? I wonder if he performs for her when he could never for me? I wonder, wonder wonder....part of healing I guess.

 

That's why I put up that thread about karma. There was that part of me hoping fate would throw some morsel his way; I was angry at the world, feeling I shouldn't have gone through everything I did.

 

Editing to add that I was warned at the beginning that he was on Match.com; I didn't know what that was, so I blew it off. Fast forward to during our relationship toward the end, I found out he was on around 5 dating sites---we were spending a weekend together when those sites were up and he checked his phone all the time. When I found out about the sites and confronted him, he became the most verbally abusive as possible and turned it into being my fault because he's lonely and needs someone that can be there more. that weekend, he didn't touch me; if I made advances, he would push me off him or say "can't a guy sleep?? I work all day!!!" I lay next to him crying myself to sleep, feeling rejected and humiliated. why did he want me to spend that weekend with him??

Edited March 16, 2012 by BewitchedandBothered

[Philosoraptor]

His need to be with someone is his way of avoiding pain. The fact that he was still fixated on his ex is telling, and you were sadly likely a rebound and a bandaid to allow himself to hide from pain.

 

He needs no karma to set him straight, he is in pain and his misery will be never allowing himself to heal. He will bounce around until he takes the time to heal, it's the only way to avoid his pain.

[BewitchedandBothered]

His need to be with someone is his way of avoiding pain. The fact that he was still fixated on his ex is telling, and you were sadly likely a rebound and a bandaid to allow himself to hide from pain.

 

He needs no karma to set him straight, he is in pain and his misery will be never allowing himself to heal. He will bounce around until he takes the time to heal, it's the only way to avoid his pain.

 

His ex wife really stood out; they were together 18 years, but he was mentally abusive and verbally abusive to her and her son; she told me she wanted to love him and work it out, but coulnt' do it anymore, so she asked for a divorce. When I met him, it was about a year and a half after their divorce. He was going crazy trying to meet new people. Part of me thinks he will always be hurting over his ex--hence his calling me by her name several times, and doing to me the things he said she did to him.

 

He told me once during an argument "In some ways I am still healing"...why start a relationship with me and say you love me then? Dragged me down, is what it felt like. I can't help but wonder how serious this new one is because he has this habit of falling in love with the first person who says good morning to him, long as she is attractive.

 

A well meaning person volunteered this information that looks like they have been together since January. so, he is living it up in this honeymoon thing and I am fixing my heart back up after all the damage. Thing is, Philo, I feel he is socoipathic and that's how I wonder if he would even feel any karma or anything at all. Seems he goes on hurting people *(me and ex g/f, ex wife and others)---and leaves a trail of broken hearts while he just does what he does and goes on.

 

During the duration of our relationship, he kept texting his ex wife; said it was regarding the dog that he had custody of. they split the vet bills or something---I think it was a way for him to keep her in his life in some way. She told me later he would start fights with her through text, she had to turn off her phone, etc. I believe that. She was sincere and matter of fact and everything fit.

 

The dog passed away this past New Year, and his ex is engaged; I wonder if he is still texting her while with someone new. He was 'healing', but took me along for that awful ride:( Took me to places he took her, I found out later. I was used. And it hurts I was of no real significance to him. Now someone else is. It's an awful feeling.

[Philosoraptor]

If he is sociopathic then he will continue to fail in relationships as everyone has a breaking point.

 

Don't worry so much about "justice" being served, but about how you can treat yourself and those around you better. Doing this will make you feel much better than seeing anyone suffering.

[BewitchedandBothered]

If he is sociopathic then he will continue to fail in relationships as everyone has a breaking point.

 

Don't worry so much about "justice" being served, but about how you can treat yourself and those around you better. Doing this will make you feel much better than seeing anyone suffering.

 

Sociopathic is just a vibe I have; his ex wife told me she thinks he is bipolar and needing medication. ----his erratic behavior and mood swings is why I sought her out. He thinks I sought her out to be cruel , malicious and calculating. The mental and verbal abuse was so much that I needed answers and she was gracious to fill in the blanks. She never said anything unkind, she simply told me what happened and that was that. He loathed me after that.

 

But you are right; I have been kind to myself--beating myself up in addition to his mental beatings got to be to much. Taking care of my health and still being me. Just so baffled by what he did and how he gets to go on. Dealing with it each day and each day it does get better. I am a very analytical person and can pull things apart to a fault if I feel the need to solve the puzzle. It hurts after all that happened, for him to look at me as a lowly piece of crap. He did this to 2 ladies I know as well, in addition to his ex g/f from many moons ago and this ex wife. How many people does he get to hurt?

[Philosoraptor]

He will hurt as many people as let him hurt them. Nothing for you to worry about though because you can't change his fate, only he can. His opinion of you shouldn't matter. Do you know who you are? Are his negative thoughts correct? Self esteem is called self esteem for a reason. It doesn't sway based on another's opinion.

 

I too considered I was wrong when I heard such slander regarding me as well as being called some awful things. I took a step back and realized that this came out of a place of hurt and my heart and intentions are in the right place. I may not always make everyone happy, but I don't try to harm them.

 

Step back and look at yourself, and believe it.

[BewitchedandBothered]

He will hurt as many people as let him hurt them. Nothing for you to worry about though because you can't change his fate, only he can. His opinion of you shouldn't matter. Do you know who you are? Are his negative thoughts correct? Self esteem is called self esteem for a reason. It doesn't sway based on another's opinion.

 

I too considered I was wrong when I heard such slander regarding me as well as being called some awful things. I took a step back and realized that this came out of a place of hurt and my heart and intentions are in the right place. I may not always make everyone happy, but I don't try to harm them.

 

Step back and look at yourself, and believe it.

 

Thanks for being here and sharing your words of wisdom. It helps to get it all out, but it helps even more to see another perspective on it. I am too close to it. You can see more from where you are standing. I appreciate you reading all my ramblings;)

 

I know I am a good person with a lot of love to give. I am sensitive to a fault and empathetic as well. It's how I am. Someone once told me that when he said all those things it was a projection of himself. And I found it to be very true. All the things he said he loathed about me were all things he did to me. Amazing.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Reading your words of wisdom again...Needing positive words today.