Relationships

[Kit]

I moved to Minneapolis 8 months ago for a new job, without knowing a soul. Its a cold, desolate place...and the weather makes it hard to meet people. I was lucky (so I thought).

 

Almost 1 month after I moved to the city, I met a man named Gino. He was tall, funny, smart, generous, and attractive. He owned several successful businesses in town, and was much younger than most of the men I date (he was 35...but I normally date men over 40). I know, I know...if I am only 29 what am I doing dating men over 40. Here I was, thinking I was turning over a new leaf. Gino was extraordiarily wealthy -- with plenty of flash appeal (Porche/Mercedes, fancy suits, free flowing cash).

 

Gino called me daily, sometimes several times a day. He told me quite quickly in our friendship that he adored me. We started so well. I practiced mild disinterest, just like they say in the books. I allowed him to pursue me feverishly. He drove me to the airport when I left town for work. He sent me flowers...2/3 dozen at a time. He left me "love messages" on my voice mail. He watched my cat for me when I travelled. We would go out to romantic, quiet dinners. He bought me jewelry, little gifts, clothes, purses. He would voluntarily come over to my apartment to hang chandeliers, or nail a shelf into the wall. He was a regular handy man. Sometimes, he would sneak into my place and leave me dinner on my stovetop, when he knew I had to work late. He worked like a fiend as well.

 

Gino and I had so much in common: our family upbringing, our strong work ethnics, our "education," our emotional sensitivity, our crazy off the wall sense of humor. He was I Scorpio; I a Cancer. Soulmates, according to the books. More than any man before, he thrilled me. Spiritually, emotionally...and after about 2 months into our "friendship," physically. In fact, I was the one who initiated our sexual relationship. I began to feel as if I had met a match for life. I was so taken by him that it hardly even dawned on me that I only saw him outside of his home environment, that the only number I had for him was his cell phone. You see, I was so busy playing hard to get, that I didn't ever bother to call him or pursue him. But after 3 months or so...I began to ask myself why. One day I asked him. He told me.

 

"I'm living with someone," he said plainly. I was beside myself. "You are LIVING with someone?" I repeated, almost asked for verification. "Yes," he said. "Is that a problem?" "It sure is." I replied.

 

"I don't understand," he said. "Don't I take you to nice places?"

 

"Yes, but..."

 

"Don't I absolutely adore you, buy you nice things, send you flowers, call you, compliment you, pick you up at the airport...Don't I do ALL those things?"

 

"Yes. But you are living with someone else." I restated. "Do you love her?"

 

"No. I don't even have sex with her."

 

"Are you going to leave her?"

 

"I don't know. Maybe. We'll see."

 

Things were difficult for a while. I tried to play a strong hand. But Gino kept calling, saying he missed me. Finally, I missed him so much (and I was so lonely in Minneapolis) that I let Gino back in my life. I saw him over the next few months, relatively happy most of the time. I guess I just swallowed my anger. He leased me a Jeep Cherokee for the winter, since he said my Miata wasn't suited for driving in deep snow, but it was too cute to sell. Every now and then, I would get jealous, or upset, even though he hardly ever spent time with HER, just with his businesses or with me. With one exception: he always disappeared on Sundays and didn't call. About every other week, my jealousy would flare up and I would get in an argument with him about her. He would never speak about her. And I knew no one in town to ask for more detail. He continually said he might eventually leave her. That he wanted so much more with me. But it never happened.

 

Finally, just before Christmas, I was shopping at a Boutique in town for a New Years Eve dress. When I went to pay via check, the shop owner asked for ID. She looked at my license, and said, "Oh my gosh. It's you."

 

Turns out, she was a close friend of Lena, Gino's live in girlfriend. And Lena knew about me...my name, where I was from, where I lived, what I looked like. Per the shop owner, Gino cheated on Lena incessantly. Yet Lena stayed with him...and had done so for 7 years. She said Lena would never leave him. And that Lena put up with the essence of me because she knew that Gino loved her, needed her, and would never leave her. The shop owner further said how beautiful, smart, and caring Lena was. She went so far to say that Lena and I were almost the same in personality AND style...only Lena had long, flowing hair and I had a short stylish bob. She said, "it's sad really, you 2 would probably really like each other, if you knew each other under different circumstances."

 

I asked Gino about it afterwards. "Yep, I told her about you," he admitted. When I asked her response to his confession, he said that Lena had left town for a few days, and then returned, never again mentioning it. He acted rather nonchalant about the whole thing. With one exception: "what, were you spying on me?" he asked me. "God, Gino," I responded. "Whatever."

 

Here is the nudge: I really DO want to get married someday. I want a family, not just a career. And I don't want to settle for someone who is unsuccessful or unattractive just so that I can guarantee that they will be faithful to me. And I thought that was Gino. I genuinely did. But if it isn't...I also don't want to waste time. One other hitch: I STILL don't know a soul in Minneapolis. So without Gino, Minnesota life will be literally cold AND empty.

 

So: here is the question. Where do I draw the line? He isn't married. But why do I feel so cheated and so used? Why do I feel so second best? Why do I still need him so and care about him so...in spite of his "having his cake and eating it too egoism?" Should I wait around...and hope he chooses me in the end? Or should I dump him and hope something better comes along? What if nothing better comes along?

 

I really am desperate for some advice. I am boggled by this one.

[Cookie]

You feel cheated and used because you HAVE BEEN cheated and used. It seems like you put the power in his hand and you are left with nobody else to turn to. Why don't you have any other friends? like at your work place?

 

Many women think that if they have a man in their lives, they don't need others...which is a very sad mistake. You need to hang out with other people whether they don't live up to Gino's attraction. You might not be satisfied in the beginning, but who knows, you might end up meeting a "better" man who would only love YOU and be faithful to you. The one question you really have to ask yourself is: why would he "cheat" on his girlfriend rather than "leaving" her? The answer is simple--Because he doesn't want to.

 

For whatever reason...probably because she puts up with his cheating crap. Do you really want to deal with this? It seems like you are an extremely attractive person yourself, so why not use that to meet other people and make new friends? You should use your energy in a more productive way for YOURSELF..not for him. Anyway, good luck!

[lee]

Hi, I have the same trouble with you. I loved one married guy, he is far from me, always said he will devoice, but still communicate with his wife, some days he is missing. I have the same feeling as you. Try to see other freind, date with others, maybe you will find one better guy. Be happy.

[chasity]

girl I know exactly what you mean except my man so to speak is married. All I can say is hang in there and don't think down on yourself. Pray about and ask god to show you if this relationship is ment to be and when he show you the sign (because he will) don't ignore it. Because if it is not ment to be and you pursue it you will only get hurt worse. Be careful and good luck.

I moved to Minneapolis 8 months ago for a new job, without knowing a soul. Its a cold, desolate place...and the weather makes it hard to meet people. I was lucky (so I thought).

 

Almost 1 month after I moved to the city, I met a man named Gino. He was tall, funny, smart, generous, and attractive. He owned several successful businesses in town, and was much younger than most of the men I date (he was 35...but I normally date men over 40). I know, I know...if I am only 29 what am I doing dating men over 40. Here I was, thinking I was turning over a new leaf. Gino was extraordiarily wealthy -- with plenty of flash appeal (Porche/Mercedes, fancy suits, free flowing cash).

 

Gino called me daily, sometimes several times a day. He told me quite quickly in our friendship that he adored me. We started so well. I practiced mild disinterest, just like they say in the books. I allowed him to pursue me feverishly. He drove me to the airport when I left town for work. He sent me flowers...2/3 dozen at a time. He left me "love messages" on my voice mail. He watched my cat for me when I travelled. We would go out to romantic, quiet dinners. He bought me jewelry, little gifts, clothes, purses. He would voluntarily come over to my apartment to hang chandeliers, or nail a shelf into the wall. He was a regular handy man. Sometimes, he would sneak into my place and leave me dinner on my stovetop, when he knew I had to work late. He worked like a fiend as well.

 

Gino and I had so much in common: our family upbringing, our strong work ethnics, our "education," our emotional sensitivity, our crazy off the wall sense of humor. He was I Scorpio; I a Cancer. Soulmates, according to the books. More than any man before, he thrilled me. Spiritually, emotionally...and after about 2 months into our "friendship," physically. In fact, I was the one who initiated our sexual relationship. I began to feel as if I had met a match for life. I was so taken by him that it hardly even dawned on me that I only saw him outside of his home environment, that the only number I had for him was his cell phone. You see, I was so busy playing hard to get, that I didn't ever bother to call him or pursue him. But after 3 months or so...I began to ask myself why. One day I asked him. He told me. "I'm living with someone," he said plainly. I was beside myself. "You are LIVING with someone?" I repeated, almost asked for verification. "Yes," he said. "Is that a problem?" "It sure is." I replied. "I don't understand," he said. "Don't I take you to nice places?" "Yes, but..." "Don't I absolutely adore you, buy you nice things, send you flowers, call you, compliment you, pick you up at the airport...Don't I do ALL those things?" "Yes. But you are living with someone else." I restated. "Do you love her?" "No. I don't even have sex with her." "Are you going to leave her?" "I don't know. Maybe. We'll see." Things were difficult for a while. I tried to play a strong hand. But Gino kept calling, saying he missed me. Finally, I missed him so much (and I was so lonely in Minneapolis) that I let Gino back in my life. I saw him over the next few months, relatively happy most of the time. I guess I just swallowed my anger. He leased me a Jeep Cherokee for the winter, since he said my Miata wasn't suited for driving in deep snow, but it was too cute to sell. Every now and then, I would get jealous, or upset, even though he hardly ever spent time with HER, just with his businesses or with me. With one exception: he always disappeared on Sundays and didn't call. About every other week, my jealousy would flare up and I would get in an argument with him about her. He would never speak about her. And I knew no one in town to ask for more detail. He continually said he might eventually leave her. That he wanted so much more with me. But it never happened. Finally, just before Christmas, I was shopping at a Boutique in town for a New Years Eve dress. When I went to pay via check, the shop owner asked for ID. She looked at my license, and said, "Oh my gosh. It's you." Turns out, she was a close friend of Lena, Gino's live in girlfriend. And Lena knew about me...my name, where I was from, where I lived, what I looked like. Per the shop owner, Gino cheated on Lena incessantly. Yet Lena stayed with him...and had done so for 7 years. She said Lena would never leave him. And that Lena put up with the essence of me because she knew that Gino loved her, needed her, and would never leave her. The shop owner further said how beautiful, smart, and caring Lena was. She went so far to say that Lena and I were almost the same in personality AND style...only Lena had long, flowing hair and I had a short stylish bob. She said, "it's sad really, you 2 would probably really like each other, if you knew each other under different circumstances."

 

I asked Gino about it afterwards. "Yep, I told her about you," he admitted. When I asked her response to his confession, he said that Lena had left town for a few days, and then returned, never again mentioning it. He acted rather nonchalant about the whole thing. With one exception: "what, were you spying on me?" he asked me. "God, Gino," I responded. "Whatever."

 

Here is the nudge: I really DO want to get married someday. I want a family, not just a career. And I don't want to settle for someone who is unsuccessful or unattractive just so that I can guarantee that they will be faithful to me. And I thought that was Gino. I genuinely did. But if it isn't...I also don't want to waste time. One other hitch: I STILL don't know a soul in Minneapolis. So without Gino, Minnesota life will be literally cold AND empty. So: here is the question. Where do I draw the line? He isn't married. But why do I feel so cheated and so used? Why do I feel so second best? Why do I still need him so and care about him so...in spite of his "having his cake and eating it too egoism?" Should I wait around...and hope he chooses me in the end? Or should I dump him and hope something better comes along? What if nothing better comes along? I really am desperate for some advice. I am boggled by this one.

[ann]

You had the spunk to go to a strange city without knowing anyone, use that same spunk to dump the creep (because that is what he is) and start anew. You are young, healthy, attractive put yourself out there and meet the right kind of person. Remember, the years have a way of just slipping by one day you are 30 the next 40, etc. Make a life for yourself now. NO MAN IS WORTH RUINING YOUR LIFE OVER. Get started today. Good Luck.

girl I know exactly what you mean except my man so to speak is married. All I can say is hang in there and don't think down on yourself. Pray about and ask god to show you if this relationship is ment to be and when he show you the sign (because he will) don't ignore it. Because if it is not ment to be and you pursue it you will only get hurt worse. Be careful and good luck.

[V]

That sounds like the perfect romance execpt for the little fact of his living with the girlfriend for 7 years. This is a hard one. Your situation is also kind of like mine. I am in love with a person I have been involved with for about a year and he wants me, but he also wants the freedom to date other people. I ask myself the same questions you asked. I just told him last Monday that I want us to take some time I suggested a month and he said he didn't think he could do it, but we decided to think on our own. Maybe you and Gino should do the same. You mentioned that you left him alone for a while, but try to make it longer this time and be strong. Ask him to examine his relationship with you and his girlfriends relationship and ask him why he's with her and why he's with you. Tell him to be honest and time apart can help. I hope that helped you.