How much can a mother affect a relationship?

[Torn between man and his mother]

I'm in the strangest situation ever imagineable. The man I've been seeing is living with another woman who is pregnant. He didn't tell me this at first because he was afraid I would reject him, ect. blah, blah, blah.

 

I established a very good relationship with his mother who he sees almost every day because she has health problems. When I was introduced to her she treated me like I was her own daughter. She cooked for me, invited me to sit on her bed with her to watch television, let me into her home as if I were family. In fact, the first day we met she shed tears. At one point she said to me, "Take him away with you."

 

Well after when I found out that something was fishy with my "man" I talked to his mother about it. The mother did not have a very endearing opinion about this other woman, told me some negative things about her, and it became clear that this other woman never (or hardly ever) set foot in her home.

 

I had a big fight with him over his dishonesty and betrayal and he was torn between staying with the other woman because of the unborn baby or going off with me. He told me that nobody in his family liked the other woman, and that they had all advised him to go with me.

 

This man is in his mid thirties, but still acts very juvenile around his mother and is not very responsible in his actions and dealings with other people. Even though he fights alot with his mother, it is obvious that he is still very emotionally dependent on her. Both of them need help, but neither one can help the other.

 

I don't know why I feel such a strong bond between myself and his mother. I really love her because she reminds me of my grandmother from the "old country" and she is beautiful. Just beautiful. Her soul.

 

I just don't know what to do about her son. It just doesn't make sense that he is living with this other woman (who everyone calls his "wife" but they are not legally married)and she has nothing to do with his family.

 

How can a "marriage" work if the in-laws don't like each other? This whole thing is really bizarre. I mean really!

 

Can a mother affect her son's choices? Should I just stay away from the mother and not get too involved or what? If I become really close to the mother could that have an influence on what "he" decides to do? Could it cause the other woman grief?

 

Help!

[Tony T]

You write: "This whole thing is really bizarre. I mean really!"

 

Yes, a good take on the situation. It was a lie from the very beginning and got more bizarre as time when on. As soon as you learned of his pregnant lady, you should have left.

 

Now, he is still living with this lady. Whether he feels guilty that she is pregnant or likes her is immaterial. You are an intruder into his life, invited there because he is deceitful and because he is not fulfilled by his current circumstances. He is too weak to change and you are too weak to leave him.

 

Maybe this is a perfect match. But one of you has to be strong and it will have to be you.

 

Unless you are into a life filled with dishonesty, a mama's boy, a man who cannot make decisions, a man who can manipulate you into being in a grievously insane situation, you must terminate.

 

Now, to your questions.

 

1. Can a mother affect her son's choices?

 

Absolutely. But blood is thicker than water. While outwardly she seems to like you a lot, the other woman is carrying her grandchild and I promise you she can't wait for that arrival. Mama will be very loyal to her son and make things work for him. She is nice, hospitable and will make you feel as much at home as possible. But I'm sure she is as confused as you are and you seem to be nice company for her while the other woman is not. The old lady is using you!

 

2. How can a "marriage" work if the in-laws don't like each other?

 

Keep the in-laws apart. Don't schedule a lot of get togethers involving both of them. It's the couple that has to get on and be happy...or sort of happy. Things will change greatly between all of these people when they have a grandchild in common...wait and watch!!!

 

3. Should I just stay away from the mother and not get too involved or what?

 

Do what you want to do. If you are around the mother for the purpose of making inroads with this guy, you are barking up the wrong tree. You are just freeing him up to do other things while you give attention to his mother. As I said, his mom is using you and so is he. Instead of kissing up to his mom, you should go to the mall.

 

4. If I become really close to the mother could that have an influence on what "he" decides to do?

 

Here, you have revealed your motive for spending time with his mother. This will have no influence at all but it will make a fool out of you. His decision will be based on his unconditional love for his child and the desire to keep this family together, at least for a period of time. Again, you don't know where the mother's head is at but I will tell you now she will want what is best for her grandchild and she will decide, at least for a period, that mama, daddy and baby should be one nice little family. You will be strictly an outsider, who she will continue to be nice to if you will come and pay her some attention when others will not.

 

5. Could it cause the other woman grief?

 

No, but labor pains will, depending on the nature of the birth. She probably doesn't even know about you, judging from the honesty of "your" guy. If she does, that knowledge is probably very limited. She has more on her mind now than worry about you. And she knows that once this child is born and the focus is on the blessed event, for a good period of time you will be pretty much a zero in this whole scenario.

 

I want you to be happy, but you would be better off with Charles Manson at this particular time. You sound like such a nice person. I am sorry you have chosen this man and this set of circumstances to waste your life with...but you are the captain of your heart.

[Torn between man and his mother]

Thanks Tony for shedding some light on this wierd situation!

 

I just have a few more questions and comments. It just seems so unusual that I was taken into their family and treated like a family member and the "woman" never paid a visit once. (I think she is four or five months pregnant, but I don't think that would have prevented her from coming)

 

Another really odd thing is that his brother and inlaws

 

from Europe came to visit during the summer and I went out with them as "his" partener. There are photos of all of us standing together at the beach. One with him holding me in his arms in the water...Why wouldn't they have seen the other woman? Why was I the one introduced and not her?

 

All "three" of us are in the same artistic field, even his mother was an artist. Because our field is relatively small, I found out from other people that "she" is not very good in the field. "He" is okay in what he does, could probably do better in his original country, but is very limited by his own culural barriers, as he only speaks his native language most fluently and has a very hard time integrating into "our" culture.

 

I guess deep down, I have resentment for him not consciously being able to override his own cultural boundaries as I am able to do, and on some level I feel insulted...yes, yes, I realize this is my ego speaking!

 

I don't want to boast or anything, but I have made more accomplishments than any of them, and I'm wondering if part of their "family" attraction might be partially based on their admiration of my work, or fascination with me because I am really an outsider in all ways (culturally, linguistically, even family-wise)

[Tony T]

You could be somewhat correct about their attraction to you based on their fondness of our work, but it is irrelevant to your relationship with your guy.

 

I am inclinced to feel they are keeping your guy's pregnant girlfriend isolated for cultural and religious reasons. Many Europeans are deeply rooted in Catholism and other highly dogmatic faiths that look down at pregnancy out of wedlock and other aspects of your guys behavior. Your guy and his mom would not want to expose her to her visiting relatives from Europe. Again, you were very convenient for pictures, visits, etc.

 

I just wished I could see some good in this for you. You tend to look in every other direction for validation of your relationship except directly at this guy, who treats you nicely except for the fact that he lives with another woman and now has some and will later have great bonds and allegiance to by virtue of their common child.

 

I know you want me to tell you that the two of you will one day walk into the sunset hand in hand to be in a blissful existence forevermore...but most likely at that time he would inform you that he has to get back to work and would instead sneak off to see his other woman and their baby.

 

There is just no way you can convince me of any good in this. If you want to stick around because of your commonalities in the art community, by all means do so. But do not look upon this man as someone you would want to spend the rest of your life with, unless you are great fan of chaos, confusion, depression, despair and drama.

 

Artists, by nature, are creative. They make things where they do not exist. By nature, they draw out the beauty from the most ugly. They put their delusions on canvas, in sculptures, on film and very often just leave them in their minds where they are, again and no less, delusions.

[Torn between man and his mother]

I am inclinced to feel they are keeping your guy's pregnant girlfriend isolated for cultural and religious reasons. Many Europeans are deeply rooted in Catholism and other highly dogmatic faiths that look down at pregnancy out of wedlock and other aspects of your guys behavior.

Well, I didn't want to confess this before for fear of giving myself away, but I don't see how anyone could find out who I am if I just be very general..

 

These people, including myslelf, are all JEWISH. They are Jews who fled the Soviet Union for in 1990 after the iron curtain came down. The Soviet Jews who passed through Israel to are the most non-religious of all, generally speaking, and many of them have lots of "mixed blood". I happen to come from a more traditional, religious background than they do. They are too concerned about making a living, and even cheating to get ahead, to be concerned about observing the Sabbath, for example... although I am no saint myself.

There is just no way you can convince me of any good in this.

No, Tony, I don't want to convince you of any good. I'm just trying to understand things from as many angles as possible- good or bad. I wish I understood myself better. Why I am thinking about this so much and what the lesson is for me here?

 

 

[Tony T]

The fact that you have to ask what the lesson here is is astounding.

 

We don't have to be in something for the purpose of learning a lesson to know it is a bad situation for us.

 

So let's say they were keeping this pregnant girl away from their relatives because they just like you more than her. What does that say about your guy??? He can go out and get a girl pregnant, live with her, but cast her aside like a piece of garbage while relatives visit and use another chick for show, and then go back to her when the visitors leave. Wow, what a guy!!!

 

You are an artist. You ought to know there is just no way to paint some pictures to make them attractive. There is just no way to paint this thing to make it look good for you. No matter what lines, what colors, what paints, what surface, it is JUST AN UGLY PICTURE. There is no medium of creation whatsoever that is going to make this a postive thing for you.

 

But God knows you are trying. I prayed all afternoon that someone else would come along to this forum and encourage you in this thing and have a different take on it.

 

I STILL HOPE THERE IS SOMEONE WHO READS THIS POST WHO FEELS GOOD ABOUT THE POSSIBILITIES FOR YOU AND THIS DECEITFUL, TWO-FACED MAN!!!

[Tony T]

Forgot to wish you a belated Happy Jewish New Year!!!

[the same woman]

Thanks!

Forgot to wish you a belated Happy Jewish New Year!!!

I'm sorry I burdened you with this pathetic situation and story, but I was just looking for...gee I don't know what I was looking for. Obviously not for someone to tell me that this would be a great situation. Perhaps just some sort of validation for myself to feel better.

 

Now the more I think about it the more I feel betrayed by the whole family, and this is sad. I just have to stomach it for a while longer then hopefully I will be able to move on with my life...

[Tony T]

You are a sweetie too and that's why I really hate to tell you this but this family has not betrayed you in any way, you have done that to yourself all by yourself.

 

This guy has poured out every bit of truth he could, he lives with a girl he got pregnant, the family hides this girl from relatives...I mean the whole thing just stinks.

 

You sound like a really intellgent lady. Don't feel bad...I have done worse. When we think we love somebody, we just fail to see a great deal that is quite obvious.

 

But don't put the blame on others here. You had all the facts. You just wanted to believe otherwise.