Alexin Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 Hi. Ok, heres the situation. My wife and I have been together 6 years and married 1. We have just had a son, whos a month old. Like all couples we occasionaly fight. The problem is my wife will imagine me to be in a bad mood, when im perfectly fine, then proceed to start an argument saying that theres no point us being together and I might as well move out. When I try and tell her everythings ok, and shes imagining it she then starts Saying what u useless husband I am. Even though I work and do pretty much everything about the house. Im supportive of her and a very loving caring husband. I always try and speak tto her calmly when shes like this, but its very difficult as she'll make things up and lie. So trying to settle things calmly is impossible and we both end up shouting. But I have a son now and I dont want him growing up in a home where his parents argue all the time. She keeps saying I should move out, but I dont think she really means it. Should I leave to show her that we are happy togeyher most of the time? Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 A month old son stands out to me. Was she like this before her pregnancy? She may be suffering from postpartum depression. Has she spoken to anyone? Have you tried couples therapy yet? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 Postpartum Depression would be my guess as well. She is going through one of the most stressful times in her life right now, with having to care for a newborn, and she's feeling extremely overwhelmed. Hang in there, and try not to make things worse. Don't engage her in any arguments. If she starts to argue, then tell her you will discuss it when she is calmer. If she says hurtful things, then tell her, calmly, that it's very hurtful to hear those things, and that you want to be there for her and the baby and help her in any way you can, but you don't want to hear destructive things anymore. You can set the boundary and refuse to engage in arguments. You need to be the strong one right now when she is going through such a stressful time. And you should also talk to her doctor about possible postpartum depression. It would also be a good idea if you could offer to take over care of the baby for a few hours once in awhile so she would have the opportunity to get out of the house and go do something enjoyable alone once in awhile. Taking care of a newborn is extremely tiring and overwhelming. It's common for a woman to not be handling this very well. One of the nicest gifts my husband gave me is that he took over a large portion of the child care right after I got out of the hospital after a very difficult pregnancy and delivery. He was a Godsend, and helped me to recover and to cope with twin newborns. You need to overlook her crabbiness and try to be of help to her, and give her some relief from the huge responsibility she is now facing in caring for a newborn. But do consult with a doctor about the possible postpartum depression. Link to post Share on other sites
Jstub Posted March 15, 2012 Share Posted March 15, 2012 Hi, I have had 2 kids with my wife and this is "normal" - as in, it could happen. She is going through a tough time and you need to support her as much as you can. Keep your mouth shut, she does not mean any of the things she is saying. If you actually move out, things will get much worse, she will feel that you abandoned her and your child. Not good... Link to post Share on other sites
elfman Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Hey man, I have been married 10 years and at the moment my wife wants a divorce. I read your post and can identify with what you're saying, since I remember perfectly how my wife's manipulation of me started... she would tell me to "just go", I would'nt take it seriously, I would try to calm her... this happened for 5 years and after a while, (I dont know how), she totally took away my strength to defend myself and she stopped respecting me... My advice is this: Next time she says "Just Go", even though you'll feel like **** for leaving your son and her, GO! Make her see that you have no quips about standing up for yourself! (Unless you want to end up like me, who after 10 years is very confused, doesnt have any self-esteem, etc.). Remember, "GOING" is not a forever kind of thing. But make sure you just grab a bag and do it... this will rattle her chain and make her see that you CAN do it, and basically make her cut the bull****. If after a few days you see no change, call her up and say that you want Joint Custody of your kid, that will make her realize that she has a lot to lose by losing you too. Hope it gets better for you bud. E. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 Alexin, please encourage and go with her for a visit to her obstetrician. Let him determine how severe the postpartum depression is. This very real and it doesn't always improve on it own. It can also worsen. Only a professional can determine if she may need treatment. Look, becoming new parents is a difficult adjustment under the best of circumstances, for both of you. Being parents won't always be a bed of roses. That sweet little angel will likely morph into the devils spawn at some points in the next 20 or so years. It's a big commitment. Don't be so ready to jump ship. Look at this as an opportunity. They both need you to step up and support them and handle this with maturity and love. Man up for them. First (of many) selfless acts from dadeo! Read up on postpartum depression and get some help for your new family. I'm sure this is overwhelming for you but you reap a load to self confidence and esteem knowing you took action to protect the best interest of your wife and child. Good luck and congratulations on your new bundle of joy! Link to post Share on other sites
analystfromhell Posted March 23, 2012 Share Posted March 23, 2012 (edited) When my first child was born, my wife had a similar reaction. Thanks to some observant relatives, she ended up going to therapy and I went too. As it was discussed, it turned out she was feeling insecure after the birth of the child- wanting it to have a secure upbringing, strong family and so on. All very normal and positive reactions and feelings just manifesting themselves in an unexpected way. We talked it through and things turned out better than before. Not knowing any more about you than what you've described you wife's reaction struck me as similar. On a related note, here's some completely unsolicited feedback. This paragraph began, "..my first child...".. I saw some other posters had suggested you leave if she got in this mood- my recommendation is never even consider doing this without making it completely and unequivocally clear if you did ever leave or she suggested you do so, that the baby comes with you. Doesn't matter if that's not "practical" or feasible- it makes it clear the child is THE most important thing for you- more important than you, more important than her, more important than your job and so on. It reinforces the importance of your bond with the child and the family and in your own mind as well. I insisted the child was our child, NEVER allowed relatives, doctors, friends, anyone to say "her child". The female assumption of possession of a child is an outdated and completely destructive and sexist attitude. Edited March 23, 2012 by analystfromhell Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 Step 1: Ask her to leave. Its your place too and you can just as well provide to be a great parent to this new born ( ps: Congrats on the new child!). Step 2: Ask her to seek treatment Step 3: You have done the ground work of being the saintly husband, she needs to understand that her behavior and comments are corroding the relationship and its up to HER to fix it.You cant fix her. Step 4: Understand that LOVE and patience doesnt mean intolerable and disrepectful ways simply because of the "First Born" woes. You both have concerns and need to address them directly without repercussion of "You leave". That is just poor skills on her part. Sorry folks but I do NOT side with this wife's behavior. Yes I "know" and experienced Post Pardum. So I do not need the "you have no idea". I absolutely do. And this lady is setting herself up if she thinks she is not responsible for getting well. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 When you don't intend to argue - simply DO NOT ENGAGE! Just look over and smile without saying one word. Link to post Share on other sites
Black Jack Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 Hi. Ok, heres the situation. My wife and I have been together 6 years and married 1. We have just had a son, whos a month old. Like all couples we occasionaly fight. The problem is my wife will imagine me to be in a bad mood, when im perfectly fine, then proceed to start an argument saying that theres no point us being together and I might as well move out. When I try and tell her everythings ok, and shes imagining it she then starts Saying what u useless husband I am. Even though I work and do pretty much everything about the house. Im supportive of her and a very loving caring husband. I always try and speak tto her calmly when shes like this, but its very difficult as she'll make things up and lie. So trying to settle things calmly is impossible and we both end up shouting. But I have a son now and I dont want him growing up in a home where his parents argue all the time. She keeps saying I should move out, but I dont think she really means it. Should I leave to show her that we are happy togeyher most of the time? Are you sure she isn't just PMSing? She just had a child, and could be dealing with depression or some post-birth issue. Don't give up yet. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 We have just had a son, whos a month old. Your wife JUST had a baby. She's hormonal, she also may be suffering from PPD so she needs to see her family Dr and get checked out. Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyLady13 Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 I'd like to also add exhaustion to the postpartum depression. Pure exhaustion! My personality is very stable. Every day, week after week, year after year I'm the same person so people know me rather easily and quickly and know what to expect. But if I either don't get sleep or physically completely exhaust myself, I turn into some whacko I don't know or understand who says weird, off-the-wall things that make no sense. After I get some sleep, the next morning I can't believe what I did and said much like having the "what did I do last night?!?" realization after too many drinks the night before. I make sure I get sleep and try not to exhaust myself to that point but sometimes you can't avoid it...like when you have a one month old son. However, just because I said this doesn't mean I condone your wifes behavior AT ALL! I think it's wrong. And no, leaving is not going to help a thing. It will make things much worse! If you leave, you will make her lies about you suddenly become true. You'll be an unstable, untrustworthy and lazy father/husband. You don't want to open that can of worms because it almost never gets better after that. If she thinks you're a useless husband (as she's said during a fight already), she can leave. Show her where that big rectangular thing is with the knob on it that leads to the outside world is if she needs help finding it. Her telling you to leave is creating mental/emotional instability in your marriage and unless she means it 100%, she should NEVER say it. She needs to stop doing that TODAY. Not tomorrow. Your son needs stability in his life and so do you and so does your wife. You have to stop her from doing this. Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 I agree with Tayla, tell her to get help or get gone and mean it. Don't leave yourself, tell her to go. Link to post Share on other sites
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