separated but have to live together

[Jstub]

Hi, I am new here and I have been reading this forum quite a bit. It's very helpful. At this point, I am not ready to share my story. Just that I love my wife insanely but she says she does not love me anymore. She says, she wants to live together for now for the kids (also financial reasons).

 

She also says that "soon" maybe we should move to separate houses but live very close to each other, that way the kids will not be affected much (our kids are very young under 3 years old).

 

I feel like we do not have a chance of reconciliation at this point. She resents me too much. Needless to say, I would do anything to have her back. Our house is about 1600 SQF. We have 3 bedrooms. I stay in 1 room, she stays in 1 room and the kids stay together in 1 room. The rooms are very close to each other. We run into each other ALL day. She cooks for me every day, does my laundry for me, even makes me lunch to take to work with me sometimes. She runs around naked in the house, yet we do not have any sex (very very hard to see her like that). She says she does not love me "in that way" anymore.

 

Now, how am I supposed to move on or get her back? I have been trying the 180, but it is soooo hard to accomplish when you are living with the person (she had 2 EA and possibly one of them turned into a PA - not sure). The first day I started the 180, she picked it up right away and I think it drove her nuts a bit. She kept telling me, what is this attitude etc. When I stopped contacting her during the day, she made sure to contact me and talk to me on the phone for 20 minutes. Every time, I tell her I want to do something for myself, she makes fun of it or does not take it serious. Last example was that I told her, I want to go away for the weekend and just relax, she told me "no flirting!" --- I looked at her and I said, "Do you think I give a s--t about other women right now?" (probably the wrong answer i know) and she said "oh no no go ahead I was just kidding". Another episode was that she was again naked this morning and trying to talk to me (i do not initiate ANY conversation with her) and I said, it's hard to talk to you while you are naked, and then she laughed and turned her butt to me and shook it... she's like oh it's a jokeeeeee... I lost my cool, I was in pain and she saw it, then she came and hugged me and she said I will always be her number one and that no one can come close to me, it's just that she wants me to be happy and she does not think she can make me happy (I know it's bull**** talk - that's not the real reason, not even close).

 

Can anyone tell me WHAT THE HELL IS SHE TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH? WHAT CAN I DO IN THIS SITUATION? SHOULD I JUST RUN OR STAY IN THERE.

 

I want to make this work somehow (i know I am being illogical, but I have not stated all the facts of this story). Would it be more helpful if i moved out and tried LC (kids so can't do NC) + 180?

 

I am not looking for straight answers, just opinions.

 

Thank you so much, looking forward to your replies.

[Jstub]

I thought these additional information would be helpful:

 

1. We had the kids back to back and this caused my wife A LOT of stress. She always freaked out.

2. My wife does not work. She is a stay at home mom.

3. The kids are very difficult to handle and cause a lot of stress. It's screaming all day.

4. My wife has been suffering from severe headaches and recently started blaming me for the headaches. Saying that, it's because I am controlling her she feels trapped and her body is telling her something is wrong - (I became controlling and paranoid after her EA and possible PA.)

5. She was expecting her headaches would go away once we made the separation official, but guess what? The headaches are still there. Now she says, it's because of the situation.

[Jstub]

So I see no one gave an opinion yet, but maybe someone will... Here is another update from this morning.

 

She woke up today in the morning and she had a severe headache. I gave her a hug and said everything will be okay. She said whoever invented this marriage idea is an idiot, how is it supposed to work? People have to be free and if they decide to stay together from free will then they should. They should not be forced into it. I did not respond to any of that and I said you will be okay.

 

Then after a while, she came and hugged me and kissed me on the lips. I thought, she did that by mistake, because she was so used to it before. She hasn't kissed me for about 2 weeks. It was more like a smooch on the lips. I did not initiate anything out of it.

 

Then I took care of the kids, made their breakfast, sat with them and fed them etc. I was almost running late for work and she said "thank you for taking care of the kids" - I said - I did not do it for you, I did it for my kids. She got a bit upset and said she is supposed to take care of them. I did not comment on that.

 

I was getting ready to walk out the door and then she came and hugged me again and kissed me on the lips once more... so now i knew it wasn't a mistake. When she stopped kissing me, I held her hair and gave her a kiss back and I said have a nice day and walked away. While I was walking out the door, she looked at me with loving eyes (... haven't seen that for a while) and said "I love you"... i paused for a bit and said "I love you too", she said "I know". I left.

 

I am so confused. I don't want to get my hopes up. Why would she be doing this? Is she confused? I know she's still talking to OM once every 2 days or whatever, but I am not even referring to that at all. I completely ignore it. Before, I would have flipped and boiled till I spilled the beans.

 

Please someone give me an opinion! I was just getting used to the idea of "no hope for a make up" and I still want to stick to that thought, but it is getting hard to do.

[worldgonewrong]

I know she's still talking to OM once every 2 days or whatever

 

Please someone give me an opinion! I was just getting used to the idea of "no hope for a make up" and I still want to stick to that thought, but it is getting hard to do.

 

You can still derive 'hope' even though you know she's still talking to OM?

 

This woman's playing you like a fiddle.

[Jstub]

You can still derive 'hope' even though you know she's still talking to OM?

 

This woman's playing you like a fiddle.

 

I find myself finding excuses. My wife is the type of woman that changes her mind 10 times for what she wants to wear.

 

As for the OM, I have stopped caring because I know it will not go anywhere. She knows this too.. I am not sure what is the topic of their conversation.

 

Thanks for your input, it helps to hear it from an outsider - deep down inside I feel that way too.

[Jstub]

So, here is another update. She called me and asked me if I would like to come home for lunch. I usually used to go to lunch but I have not been doing that for a while. I said why? she said, that way you can see the kids and we can spend some time together. I said sure and I went.

 

Saw the kids and then put them to bed for their nap. She asked me to go outside to talk a little. The talk was basically about the future (which i avoid to talk about.. 180..) basically, she said she wants to make changes to our lives, she wants to have her own place and I should live close by etc. that we are not getting young and that we live once.

 

I told her, you live for yourself and make yourself happy and I will live for myself and make myself happy. That seemed to make her happy...

 

I am beginning to think that my 180 made her feel like she was not in control of the situation and she wanted to manipulate me with her previous actions that way she can feel that she is in control.

 

My next step that I am thinking about is this. Please tell me if you agree or not.

 

I would like to tell her you are free to do what you like, but I will not be your door mat. I will not move out of the house because I would like to stay with my kids. If you would like to move out and pursue your dreams, then go ahead and start working and contribute to your own happiness. I will not sit there and work for you to chase your own dreams. I thought you wanted to be by yourself and not rely on anyone? ---- if she plays the "kids" card, I will tell her that the kids have a home and their needs taken care of. Her and the kids are not the same. What do you think??

[Surfer203]

That sounds good - stand up for yourself. If she wants out, she leaves. You maintain your home, kids and belongings. I am happy that you have come to this conclusion quickly. Believe me, I lived with my stbxw for over a year and half in rocky times. It was HORRIBLE. You will feel so much better when she is out. Initially it will hurt but after a little bit of time you will feel more at peace. Happiness will return just gotta get through some rough times. Be well and good luck!

[Jstub]

That sounds good - stand up for yourself. If she wants out, she leaves. You maintain your home, kids and belongings. I am happy that you have come to this conclusion quickly. Believe me, I lived with my stbxw for over a year and half in rocky times. It was HORRIBLE. You will feel so much better when she is out. Initially it will hurt but after a little bit of time you will feel more at peace. Happiness will return just gotta get through some rough times. Be well and good luck!

 

Thank you Surfer. I just have to get myself to do that. It is so hard because I feel like if I say that I would screw my chances of being with her again, but let's face it - that ain't happening anyway. It's very hard to admit to myself and I battle myself on and off. Some days I feel great and some days I wake up at 5 in the morning with a heart ache.

 

I am going away for 2 days to do some thinking, I will focus on this and tell her exactly what I wrote.

[worldgonewrong]

I would like to tell her you are free to do what you like, but I will not be your door mat. I will not move out of the house because I would like to stay with my kids. If you would like to move out and pursue your dreams, then go ahead and start working and contribute to your own happiness. I will not sit there and work for you to chase your own dreams. I thought you wanted to be by yourself and not rely on anyone? ---- if she plays the "kids" card, I will tell her that the kids have a home and their needs taken care of. Her and the kids are not the same. What do you think??

 

^^^^

THIS.

I wish I'd done this instead of allowing my wife to give me the bum's rush when I was in a shattered, disoriented state of mind.

My wife had me by the balls because she knew I could be easily emotionally-manipulated re 'the kids'.

[Jstub]

^^^^

THIS.

I wish I'd done this instead of allowing my wife to give me the bum's rush when I was in a shattered, disoriented state of mind.

My wife had me by the balls because she knew I could be easily emotionally-manipulated re 'the kids'.

 

Takes a lot of courage to say that. So scared.... honestly scared

[Steen719]

Some days I feel great and some days I wake up at 5 in the morning with a heart ache.

.

 

Well, I sure know that feeling and it really does hurt so much. I don't have that "kicked me in the gut" feeling in the morning anymore, but it is still the first thing that comes to mind.

 

I think your wife is trying to manipulate you with her hugging and kissing and my God, walking around naked? She wants to leave you and she is walking around naked? I don't know, but it seems as if she just cannot stand to see you have any backbone at all. You better care about the OM...that indicates what her feelings are for you.

 

Living with my XH was one of the hardest things I have ever done. it took me about 3 or 4 weeks after I moved out to stop crying and start healing. I am not saying I am in a great place right now, but I can tell you, even only after 7 weeks, I am so much better being away from him and his manipulative ways. I was married 22 years..hard to let it go...I know, believe me, I know. She is not there, not really, so you are not giving up a loving, committed wife. Stand your ground. Good luck.

[Jstub]

You better care about the OM...that indicates what her feelings are for you.

 

What do you mean by this? Do you mean to say that the fact that she is talking to him means she does not care about me nor love me? I think that I know, I have been just trying to figure out the mixed "signals".

[jaymz]

What do you mean by this? Do you mean to say that the fact that she is talking to him means she does not care about me nor love me? I think that I know, I have been just trying to figure out the mixed "signals".

 

Not mixed signals. Its complete cake eating.

 

Do LC and 180.

 

Start the divorce proceedings.

 

Seperate finances.

 

Put house up for sale.

 

Ask her when she is leaving.

 

Show consequences for her actions.

[Jstub]

I hear you all. I am leaving work now, and I will be on my mini get away tomorrow and Sunday. I will miss my kids very much, but I will do some hard thinking. Thank you all for your support!

[Steen719]

What do you mean by this? Do you mean to say that the fact that she is talking to him means she does not care about me nor love me? I think that I know, I have been just trying to figure out the mixed "signals".

 

Yeah, sorry Jstub, That is what I mean. My XH would tell me that he did not want me to leave, but never stopped talking to the OW. To this day, he lies to my face. He wants to keep me on a line...doling out what he thinks will keep me involved emotionally with him, even though we are divorced. It's sick, really. Your wife is doing her best to keep you on the same line and all it does is keep you hanging. jaymz is right....make your plans and go forward.

[Jstub]

Had another episode when I got home. I was completely ignoring here when I got here and she right away picked it up. She asked what's wrong, I said it has nothing to do with you I am sorting out my things. I went ahead and spent some time with the kids, she came and sat with us to play. It feels horrible, reminds me of the good old family days when we all used to have a good time. After a while my son ran against a corner and hurt his ear, he was bleeding so we had another "family" bond time, where we both has to calm him down and make him feel better.

 

After the kids slept I was in the garden having a glass of wine and she came to me and started talking. She kept asking what I plan on doing with my job etc. she says she wants to move up north and that I should get a job there. She says I can live in the city and they (her and the kids) can live on the country side. I told her I am not ready to plan anything with her. It's driving me crazy. She keeps saying it would be good for the kids. Like trying to make me do it while holding them hostage in a sense.

 

After that episode I went inside to make a sandwich and she came and started taking again. She asked which hotel am I staying at? I said how is that relevant? She said she just wants to know. Then she asked what time do I plan on leaving and if it's raining and that I should take a bottle of wine bla bla then she said maybe it would be nice if her and the kids visited me on Sunday... I said no you may not visit me and that I am perfectly fine and capable of planning my own vacation.

 

At this point she said maybe she can call me to say that her and the kids are okay and that I shouldn't rush back because I would miss them. I said, if I feel like calling to check up on the kids and your headache I will. If I feel like coming Sunday morning/ evening, I will. I said stop telling me what to do. She said oh I just want to make sure that you focus on yourself and not think of us. I said that's exactly why I am going.

 

Right about now she was getting angry. She said that I am moody and a schizophrenic. I said call me what you will, you are the schizophrenic, in the morning you kiss me and you tell me you love me in the evening you are trying to control me and say that we are done. She said I kissed you because I was trying to be nice and that she didn't think that was the wrong message. She said she did not lie when she said she loved me, she loves me very much but not as a husband and wife kind of way. I said have a good night and I left.

 

I am beginning to hate this woman. It's good in a way because I am stepping out of her spell zone. I just worry about effecting the kids. I don't want to go to war, I want to keep a civil relationship with her because I don't want the whole custody nonsense. I want to see my kids when I please. I want them to stay with me when they please. At this point I want to do the smart thing, I just don't know what that smart thing is.....

 

Sorry if I made spelling mistakes - I wrote this on my phone. Yea I know - I was desperate to let it out.

[Steen719]

Well, I am ready to go to bed, but I did want to answer you in case you are waiting for someone to. You are not crazy. Take away everything else and listen to what she said.

 

"She said she did not lie when she said she loved me, she loves me very much but not as a husband and wife kind of way."

 

No matter what else she does or tries to do, she has told you how she feels about you as her husband. Her attempts to get you to move where she wants you to are just another way she is trying to manipulate you. She has her desires and interests in mind and you know that is why she is doing the things she is doing. I do agree you need to be civil for the kids, but you also need to protect yourself. It is hard not to engage in the back and forth, I know, and hard not to get overwhelmed by the memories of your life together, but it is not the same anymore. You can't go back and she is moving forward at a quick speed; too fast and it is making your head spin. She is counting on that. Slow down, have your mini get-a-way and call a good friend and talk to them about it. Get it all out.

 

Good luck and keep going forward.

[Jstub]

Thank you steen. I hope you sleep well. Part of my problem is that I moved to the US with nothing. I have no friends here. Me and my wife built this life together. She has the friends on her side now (good manipulation) and I got nothing. I can't talk to coworkers either because I don't want the word to get out and people start paying attention to my performance (took a big hit). I do plan on making friends, it's just that it would have been nice to have someone to call like you say.

[carhill]

So, put making friends front and center on your plate of personal improvement items.

 

 

 

And get her out of the house. Sooner the better. Document, document, document.

 

Are you a fully naturalized US citizen?

[2sunny]

Make sure she gets a job right away! Don't give her money or access to credit cards.

 

IF she wants to move far away - let her. You stay put with the house and kids!

 

She sounds selfish and self centered!

 

She is a walk away wife - google it.

 

And tell her to put some clothes on! You don't go nude in front of a man you say you're going to divorce - she's manipulating and torturing you!

 

She makes me angry just reading about all her $hitty behavior.

 

Stop talking to her - it's only designed to work to her advantage - based on what she's planning with her OM. Let HIM pay for her! Tell her that too!

[jaymz]

I have no friends here. Me and my wife built this life together. She has the friends on her side now (good manipulation) and I got nothing.

 

I was in the same boat. I reconnected with old friends and made one new friend so far. Now I have some spare cash, I can get a car and start some more hobbies I am interested in, a great way to meet new people.

 

I can't talk to coworkers either because I don't want the word to get out and people start paying attention to my performance (took a big hit).

 

Tell work! esp if your performance is taking a hit. I told my MD and he was absolutely brilliant and I got cut a lot of slack. A year later and they now are pushing me to get back to my old self but in a very postive way. Best decision as its one less pressure on your shoulders.

 

I also spoke to a co-worker a couple of times a week, she would take me out for a coffee for 20 minutes and just ask how I am. I needed that at the begining, just someone completely neutral to listen and comment on what was happening.

 

I do plan on making friends, it's just that it would have been nice to have someone to call like you say.

No family?

 

Carhill brings up a good point: Get a voice activated recorder and document all your converstations and what she does. Get an app for your phone which records phone conversations. I get ****ty solictor letters now where she accuses me of things and I just refer to converstions we have had and what agreements she made. So much easier!

 

Like 2sunny, this woman makes me angry! Such blatant cake eating and manipulation of you. This is the start but it does get easier. Read the 180 everyday until you learn it and do it (hard I know). Make a plan of what you want and start doing it, small steps.

 

Dont forget to start doing things which help you physically and mentally, exercising & start a hobby you want. Gets your mind of things, you feel better about yourself and a great way to meet new people.

 

Good luck

[Jstub]

So I am back from my mini vacation and I have to say, it was just what I needed. It was raining but that didn't stop me from having a good time. I charmed the hotel female check in person and I got an upgrade to an ocean view room up from the standard one that gave me a boost of confidence. I took a walk on the beach while it was raining and it made me relax. Sat on the dock and just thought about myself. It wasn't all great, I was having some negative thoughts but I did my best to stay positive.

 

Then I went on a boat ride, it was St. Patrick theme and people were having a good time, so I thought heyyyy I should also have a good time, I failed at it honestly speaking.

 

Then I went to my room and relaxed for a bit, got dressed and went to a bar.There was an irish band playing and I got a couple of drinks for myself. I got a lot of female attention, which felt good to be honest. I did not pursue anything but I just felt confident in myself. Then there was this woman, she approached me - beautiful, stunning. I acted distant, but she kept pursuing it. We talked for a bit but I made it clear that I am not interested in that way, I just enjoyed the conversation. I did not even ask for her number or contact information. I was just satisfied. I realized I don't need my wife to feel good, I realized how she has been putting me down for a while now. I realized, I can do better. I in no way shape or form ready to have any relationship, and I will not - It was just a good feeling.

 

While I was away, my wife called me twice. The conversation was very short. Asked about the kids etc.

 

When I get home, she had called me 3 times on the drive. Did not answer the phone. I got home and the kids were very excited to see me and I was very excited to see them. I spent an hour with them reading books etc. and I put them to sleep. Then my wife asked, so how was it? I told her it was great, just what I needed. She asked what I did and I told her everything. I told her how I had so much fun by myself and that I met a woman. I told her it was not about sex or anything like that, but it just felt good to have the attention. She said, she was happy for me and that she knew I could easily find someone. I think she was boiling a little bit but playing cool. She mentioned that maybe we can find an arrangement to stay together somehow. I said, I am moving on with my life, she can do what she wants.

 

Then she asked if i need help unpacking, I said no thx. Then she said, she talked to my brother and told him what's going on with us. She is trying to get them on her side i guess, but that won't happen after i talk to them.

 

So anyway I went to the bathroom and she came rushing and asked "What were you up to?? in a very suspicious tone. I said, I just peed thanks for asking and I walked away.

 

She is getting ready to leave right now and I have to say, I feel good for now.

 

I know it's a roller coaster and maybe I will feel like **** soon but I am enjoying the moment and I know I am moving forward. I did not talk to her about not being her doormat, because I think my actions will show her that.

[Jstub]

So, put making friends front and center on your plate of personal improvement items.

 

 

 

And get her out of the house. Sooner the better. Document, document, document.

 

Are you a fully naturalized US citizen?

 

I will make some friends I will!

 

Yes I am a US citizen. Long story moved back and forth a lot bla bla.

[Jstub]

Make sure she gets a job right away! Don't give her money or access to credit cards.

 

IF she wants to move far away - let her. You stay put with the house and kids!

 

She sounds selfish and self centered!

 

She is a walk away wife - google it.

 

And tell her to put some clothes on! You don't go nude in front of a man you say you're going to divorce - she's manipulating and torturing you!

 

She makes me angry just reading about all her $hitty behavior.

 

Stop talking to her - it's only designed to work to her advantage - based on what she's planning with her OM. Let HIM pay for her! Tell her that too!

 

I told her on Friday that she can not walk around naked anymore in the house. I will not tolerate it. She is acting like she is the center of the universe, but I will show her with my actions that she is not.

[Bradly]

I would like to tell her you are free to do what you like, but I will not be your door mat. I will not move out of the house because I would like to stay with my kids. If you would like to move out and pursue your dreams, then go ahead and start working and contribute to your own happiness. I will not sit there and work for you to chase your own dreams. I thought you wanted to be by yourself and not rely on anyone? ---- if she plays the "kids" card, I will tell her that the kids have a home and their needs taken care of. Her and the kids are not the same. What do you think??

 

This exactly what I did, hardest thing ive ever done. If shes the one that wants out of the relationship, then she needs to leave, kids stay with you. Tell her to find a job first and pay her own rent.

 

So many of my friends and familty are proud of me ,and I look like a hero.