separated but have to live together

[Jstub]

Okay. It would be interesting to find out what she hopes to find up North...in the country. Whatever it is, she's given it a lot of thought.

 

I hope you have hidden the children's passports. This is one important piece of advice you received.

 

What's your plan? (if you don't mind me asking)

 

The children's passports are with me as of this morning.

 

My plan is to try to settle this out of court. I had a talk with her yesterday that I posted about in detail. Basically, we put a time limit of 2 weeks where we will sit and discuss financials, children and living arrangement. We will agree on a monthly payment (reasonable) decide on who gets the kids on what days and get 2 separate apartments. She needs to sober up and get a job. I have also warned her that if she tries to take me for a ride I will stop playing nice. I know she can get another man to pay for her life (her looks guarantee her that) and at the same time I know she hates that, because she always ran away from it. She married me when I had $0, just got a job and had 2 bean bags as my furniture.

[Gotti25]

Is her family able to pay for all 3 tickets to europe are they wealthy? So she is not having a sexual relationship with this OM? Hmm good luck on whatever you decide on!

[2sunny]

There are FEMALE counselors! Lol her excuse doesn't fly!

 

And what is the plan for doling out her medicine (drug of choice) while you are away and her sister is there? Are you going to rush in - give her one and leave for another 6-8 hours? This is similar to the pavlov's dog theory... You show up - she gets to drooling for her fix.

 

What if things get concerning while she is weaning? What's the plan while her sister is there? She will show signs of withdrawal... It could get very ugly at that stage.

 

Since you are going to be the keeper of her pills - how will you know she won't just go buy more? She will!!! We always had a "secret stash!" seriously! I think you are fooling yourself into thinking you can control this for her- you can't. She can always get more from her under ground world.

 

And her OM - I'd bet money he plans to be up north - and that is why she plans to go that way... Don't rule it out... She's not gonna tell you.

 

IF she must go - let her go without her kids.

 

And does your sister in law know what she's stepping into? She needs to know! She needs to be capable of understanding what her withdrawals will look like... And what should be done when it gets ugly - because it will - unless, of course, she's popping that medicine without letting you all know... Which odds are VERY likely!

[Jstub]

It was an interesting night. So fake I could start screaming.

 

First off, let me reply to the concerns about the drugs and therapy. Aloneintexas and 2sunny, you are both right - I don't think she wants to go therapy because she does not think anything is wrong with her. She thinks she's above it all at this point. She has an arrogance about her that I always despised. I think she gets it because she is so beautiful. She can pretty much get what she wants - men will bow down to her and drool like dogs (I am guilty of this too) but her judgement is terrible - she always picked the wrong people to try to get what she wants and she had to pay dearly throughout her life. Life's a bitch.

 

As for drugs and my plan. To be honest with you, I am not that worried about her behavior. She has always acted normally when it was not available. I managed to get her drug use from weekly to monthly with complete no drugs during pregnancy and breast feeding. We never had any big issues when it came to withdrawal. There was a time when it was just once every 3-4 months or so, but then it got to once every month again. She claimed that she was bored and she needed some excitement. I never saw it as a big deal, because I am pretty open minded (we are not talking about heroin or crack here). I get that pain meds is a different kind of addiction, so it can be that i am underestimating it. When her sister is here, I plan on giving her just 3 pills for the day. She can use them the way she wants. Let's see her reaction till her sister gets here. I just found out that her sister has NO CLUE about our situation. She thinks she is coming to visit a happy family. She saw our son's birthday party pictures and she keeps saying, oh I have never seen you both happier! pictures lie!! so she is in for a good surprise.

 

Now coming to tonight. My wife had invited my brother over for dinner. So he came - my brother knows exactly what is going on but my wife doesn't know that he knows. So everyone has to pretend. My wife keeps telling my family that "Oh we are just going through a tough time and I hope we can work things out", however I did tell my whole family what's really going on. Basically, this night was disturbing. It felt like the good old days, when we 3 used to hang out and play cards. Only this time, everyone felt the tension. We were both being civil to each other, but... there were some comments thrown here and there. I threw in a topic about laws of attraction and she derailed the topic about how you have to make yourself happy etc. basically some snappy comments in front of my brother etc. You know how you get a message across while pretending to be polite. Anyway, it was just a disturbing night that put me down a lot, because it reminded me of the good old times. I also drank a bottle of champagne so that didn't help. I feel much better now, I was tipsy an hour ago.

 

So today, I had this great idea - I thought I am sick and tired of trying to guess if she had/is having sex with OM or not. The reason why I want to know is because, if she DID have sex with him and is feeding this bull**** to me, I will stop being civil and treat her like a piece of dirt. However, if she indeed speaks the truth, then I will be civil to her. Here is the thing, ever since I got onto her computer and saw her EA crap, she is being smart. She does not write anything on her laptop, because she thinks I am reading everything (even though I am not). All her communication with OM is through her phone. I see phone records, but I don't see content. Sooo, I came up with a way to read her text messages without being on her phone (oh she will never guess this) all remotely. The tricky part is that she deletes her messages, however with good coordination, I was able to catch a couple. So far, from what I have read, there is nothing compromising. From what it looks like, he is having a lot of issues with his son and she is trying to comfort him. They talk about his work...... andddd... oh I am so sad for this... he is losing his apartment in 3 days and has to live in a trailer... hahah that makes me feel..... so sad???

 

Oh and 2sunny, I don't think he plans on moving up north - because his only source of income is a store he operates close to where he lives.

 

Have a good night every one.

[Jstub]

oh and 2sunny - she doesn't have an underground source. I am the one who has the source. Guess what - I just lost the number......oops

 

Yes, I am guilty of allowing this, but I thought I was helping her at first, then it got out of hand. I didn't think pain meds are that bad, I then researched and had a "oh crap" moment.

[Bradly]

All her communication with OM is through her phone. I see phone records, but I don't see content. Sooo, I came up with a way to read her text messages without being on her phone (oh she will never guess this) all remotely. The tricky part is that she deletes her messages, however with good coordination, I was able to catch a couple. So far, from what I have read, there is nothing compromising.

 

Oh, would I love to know how you do this? Please share?

[Jstub]

Oh, would I love to know how you do this? Please share?

 

I don't want to share publicly. You need to have a certain phone and some kind of technical knowledge. Provide me an e-mail address and I will share

[findingnemo]

It was an interesting night. So fake I could start screaming.

 

First off, let me reply to the concerns about the drugs and therapy. Aloneintexas and 2sunny, you are both right - I don't think she wants to go therapy because she does not think anything is wrong with her. She thinks she's above it all at this point. She has an arrogance about her that I always despised. I think she gets it because she is so beautiful. She can pretty much get what she wants - men will bow down to her and drool like dogs (I am guilty of this too) but her judgement is terrible - she always picked the wrong people to try to get what she wants and she had to pay dearly throughout her life. Life's a bitch.

 

As for drugs and my plan. To be honest with you, I am not that worried about her behavior. She has always acted normally when it was not available. I managed to get her drug use from weekly to monthly with complete no drugs during pregnancy and breast feeding. We never had any big issues when it came to withdrawal. There was a time when it was just once every 3-4 months or so, but then it got to once every month again. She claimed that she was bored and she needed some excitement. I never saw it as a big deal, because I am pretty open minded (we are not talking about heroin or crack here). I get that pain meds is a different kind of addiction, so it can be that i am underestimating it. When her sister is here, I plan on giving her just 3 pills for the day. She can use them the way she wants. Let's see her reaction till her sister gets here. I just found out that her sister has NO CLUE about our situation. She thinks she is coming to visit a happy family. She saw our son's birthday party pictures and she keeps saying, oh I have never seen you both happier! pictures lie!! so she is in for a good surprise.

 

Now coming to tonight. My wife had invited my brother over for dinner. So he came - my brother knows exactly what is going on but my wife doesn't know that he knows. So everyone has to pretend. My wife keeps telling my family that "Oh we are just going through a tough time and I hope we can work things out", however I did tell my whole family what's really going on. Basically, this night was disturbing. It felt like the good old days, when we 3 used to hang out and play cards. Only this time, everyone felt the tension. We were both being civil to each other, but... there were some comments thrown here and there. I threw in a topic about laws of attraction and she derailed the topic about how you have to make yourself happy etc. basically some snappy comments in front of my brother etc. You know how you get a message across while pretending to be polite. Anyway, it was just a disturbing night that put me down a lot, because it reminded me of the good old times. I also drank a bottle of champagne so that didn't help. I feel much better now, I was tipsy an hour ago.

 

So today, I had this great idea - I thought I am sick and tired of trying to guess if she had/is having sex with OM or not. The reason why I want to know is because, if she DID have sex with him and is feeding this bull**** to me, I will stop being civil and treat her like a piece of dirt. However, if she indeed speaks the truth, then I will be civil to her. Here is the thing, ever since I got onto her computer and saw her EA crap, she is being smart. She does not write anything on her laptop, because she thinks I am reading everything (even though I am not). All her communication with OM is through her phone. I see phone records, but I don't see content. Sooo, I came up with a way to read her text messages without being on her phone (oh she will never guess this) all remotely. The tricky part is that she deletes her messages, however with good coordination, I was able to catch a couple. So far, from what I have read, there is nothing compromising. From what it looks like, he is having a lot of issues with his son and she is trying to comfort him. They talk about his work...... andddd... oh I am so sad for this... he is losing his apartment in 3 days and has to live in a trailer... hahah that makes me feel..... so sad???

 

Oh and 2sunny, I don't think he plans on moving up north - because his only source of income is a store he operates close to where he lives.

 

Have a good night every one.

 

Well Jstub, you seem to have things under control as much as possible. I'm impressed! I know it is painful for you but you're dealing with it and not excusing her behaviour away.

 

I do think your plan B (should she suddenly think she control you again) should be to report her drug abuse in a way as to get it on record.

 

But right now, just keep doing what you're doing. Try to get her off the Meds but also realize that it's something that usually requires professional help. She may not have told you the true number of pills she's been popping a day. 5-7 could mean 8-10. The withdrawal could get really nasty while you're away. Maybe you need to tell her sister about this problem. Can you imagine some thing happening and her sister has no idea of the background? Again, it's about covering your bases.

 

Good luck!

[Owl]

Here's my thought.

 

You cannot rebuild a marriage with someone who's got an addiction. She's suffered from several. Previous drug addictions, and then her affair (EA or PA is irrelevent in this context) with OM, and now what she's had ongoing for the last several months.

 

Unless something changes her baseline behavior away from being an addict...I see no possible opportunity for real reconciliation for you, my friend.

 

She's not going to change until she hits rock bottom.

 

You know that. You've been around her long enough to have come to this conclusion on your own.

 

You probably need to remove the kids from her life, remove yourself from her life...and hope that she hits bottom to the point that she's finally willing to accept full responsibility for her actions and addictions, and is willing to work to change them.

 

Until she admits she's an addict...nothing can change.

 

I've got no other advice to offer on rebuilding your marriage or your family, my friend. Until this is addressed, nothing else is going to make a bit of difference.

[Jstub]

Well Jstub, you seem to have things under control as much as possible. I'm impressed! I know it is painful for you but you're dealing with it and not excusing her behaviour away.

 

I do think your plan B (should she suddenly think she control you again) should be to report her drug abuse in a way as to get it on record.

 

But right now, just keep doing what you're doing. Try to get her off the Meds but also realize that it's something that usually requires professional help. She may not have told you the true number of pills she's been popping a day. 5-7 could mean 8-10. The withdrawal could get really nasty while you're away. Maybe you need to tell her sister about this problem. Can you imagine some thing happening and her sister has no idea of the background? Again, it's about covering your bases.

 

Good luck!

 

It is so hard really to stay in control. It breaks my heart to have to be like this. To be cold to her... I know I know... she has no problem being cold to me... It's just so sad. I feel very down this morning. I saw her in bed this morning and she didn't look so well, she kept thanking me for being there... I kept thinking to myself, soon I won't be there, is that when you will realize what you are losing? What you are doing? It's just heart breaking. Why she would do this... roller coaster right? Most important thing is, I will not show her weakness, I will stay in control. I can "mourn" in my own privacy...

[Jstub]

Here's my thought.

 

You cannot rebuild a marriage with someone who's got an addiction. She's suffered from several. Previous drug addictions, and then her affair (EA or PA is irrelevent in this context) with OM, and now what she's had ongoing for the last several months.

 

Unless something changes her baseline behavior away from being an addict...I see no possible opportunity for real reconciliation for you, my friend.

 

She's not going to change until she hits rock bottom.

 

You know that. You've been around her long enough to have come to this conclusion on your own.

 

You probably need to remove the kids from her life, remove yourself from her life...and hope that she hits bottom to the point that she's finally willing to accept full responsibility for her actions and addictions, and is willing to work to change them.

 

Until she admits she's an addict...nothing can change.

 

I've got no other advice to offer on rebuilding your marriage or your family, my friend. Until this is addressed, nothing else is going to make a bit of difference.

 

I know this owl - I do not think it's just the addiction though. I think she just wants to break free from this responsible life. She says she wants to be on her own, but as I see, she is not capable of that. She has to talk to OM for whatever reason. Emotional support, sexual whatever (soon i will find out). She says, she doesn't want to answer to anyone, yet she has no real plans to be financially independent. She says she wants to take care of her responsibilities and then at night just go to her own place and just be by herself, yet when she goes to her room, all she does is be on her laptop/ phone and chit chat. She is contradicting herself in every way possible and I know she will regret everything she is doing. She thinks her actions will not affect the kids, she thinks the kids will stay with her all the time and I will visit them, she does not understand the fact that that will not be the case. I will get at least 50% custody and she will be without her kids 50% of the time. She always thinks oh if things get bad, I can find some rich guy who will pay for it, but I know if she does that, she will never forgive herself, because that will go against everything she is saying and pretending to be doing. Knowing all this, it is very hard to let go - I just want to shake her and tell her DON'T YOU SEEE? WAKE UP!!! but I know that will not help, I know the only chance of reconciliation is for her to realize all these things all by herself, but I am not going to be waiting....

[2sunny]

YOU can't do this FOR HER!

 

You keep thinking YOU can control it - it's not possible.

 

Either she will get miserable enough to DO something different (stopping) - or she won't!

 

When she has consequences and gets sick of herself - THAT is when she may actually get motivated to never use drugs again.

 

You trying to control her and the meds will only make her resent YOU more.

 

I suggest you step away and let her get sick of being sick and tired. Stop guarding her from the pain that will motivate her to change everything... It won't help her in the long run.

 

You are dealing with a druggy. I can assure you - she WILL find her own source of getting more medicine without you knowing. People can buy it in a parking lot or off of Craigslist - be realistic - YOU can't control this - that mindset just makes it all worse.

[Jstub]

YOU can't do this FOR HER!

 

You keep thinking YOU can control it - it's not possible.

 

Either she will get miserable enough to DO something different (stopping) - or she won't!

 

When she has consequences and gets sick of herself - THAT is when she may actually get motivated to never use drugs again.

 

You trying to control her and the meds will only make her resent YOU more.

 

I suggest you step away and let her get sick of being sick and tired. Stop guarding her from the pain that will motivate her to change everything... It won't help her in the long run.

 

You are dealing with a druggy. I can assure you - she WILL find her own source of getting more medicine without you knowing. People can buy it in a parking lot or off of Craigslist - be realistic - YOU can't control this - that mindset just makes it all worse.

 

Thank you 2sunny. I have to learn how to let go. That is something I have to work on. I always try to be in control, but I have to realize that sometimes letting go is the best thing to do.

[2sunny]

I know this owl - I do not think it's just the addiction though. I think she just wants to break free from this responsible life. She says she wants to be on her own, but as I see, she is not capable of that. She has to talk to OM for whatever reason. Emotional support, sexual whatever (soon i will find out). She says, she doesn't want to answer to anyone, yet she has no real plans to be financially independent. She says she wants to take care of her responsibilities and then at night just go to her own place and just be by herself, yet when she goes to her room, all she does is be on her laptop/ phone and chit chat. She is contradicting herself in every way possible and I know she will regret everything she is doing. She thinks her actions will not affect the kids, she thinks the kids will stay with her all the time and I will visit them, she does not understand the fact that that will not be the case. I will get at least 50% custody and she will be without her kids 50% of the time. She always thinks oh if things get bad, I can find some rich guy who will pay for it, but I know if she does that, she will never forgive herself, because that will go against everything she is saying and pretending to be doing. Knowing all this, it is very hard to let go - I just want to shake her and tell her DON'T YOU SEEE? WAKE UP!!! but I know that will not help, I know the only chance of reconciliation is for her to realize all these things all by herself, but I am not going to be waiting....

 

The mindset of a druggy is completely delusional - so this sounds about right.

 

She doesn't intend to stay with you - she's just gonna use you for whatever YOU will provide. That way - she has to do less so that YOU do more... Easy - for a druggy to keep up their habit when they get others to keep picking up the slack while they keep checking out.

 

She's not acting like a wife. Divorce her! And stop making it so easy for her to co time using - you are providing her with too much comfort! She's never gonna change until you start making sure she's UNCOMFORTABLE!

[2sunny]

She is the one to do the work necessary to GET clean and stay sober - you can't do it for her!

 

You need to get busy staying focused on YOU and YOUR KIDS!

[Bradly]

Oh, would I love to know how you do this? Please share?

Nevermind, but thanks anyway... i rather not know at this time. She knows I can log in and see texts (but no content), but i haven't in while. Part of the 180 is NOT to not spy, it just makes you mad when you find something. I'm just trying not to think about what shes doing for my own sanity.

 

Earlier I was wrong a few times about what she as doing, it it just made it worse because she got mad at me for "spying" So I stopped.

[Jstub]

Nevermind, but thanks anyway... i rather not know at this time. She knows I can log in and see texts (but no content), but i haven't in while. Part of the 180 is NOT to not spy, it just makes you mad when you find something. I'm just trying not to think about what shes doing for my own sanity.

 

Earlier I was wrong a few times about what she as doing, it it just made it worse because she got mad at me for "spying" So I stopped.

 

I know you are supposed to stop spying. For me, I have to know. It makes a difference if my wife tells me, I don't love you anymore, but it has nothing to do with other men, I just have to find myself and live for myself, the OM is just for business, because i want to get my career started in that field. Versus saying that but in reality, she is sleeping around with OM and swearing on our kids lives that she is not. It's just about that for me, the outcome is the same, it's just about being nice or not.

[Owl]

I'd say at this point, it doesn't matter if there is CURRENTLY another OM or not.

 

There was...and she remains in contact with him, even knowing what that means to you.

 

She puts her "friendship" and her "working relationship" with him as a major priority over her marriage and relationship with you.

 

She also is addicted to drugs.

 

These two things combined should be enough for you to realize that you can't "fix" her. You can't. YOU CAN'T FIX HER!!!

 

(Hoping you'll get the message).

 

There's no basis for reconciliation or rebuilding your marriage while she remains under both of these influences and refuses to acknowledge them as problems.

 

Your best course of action is to end the marriage, walk away, and let her reach a point in her life where she may be rock bottom enough to contemplate change for the first time in her life. And you need to take your children with you, lest they get sucked down with her.

 

I've got no further advice to offer. Good luck.

[Jstub]

Just found out that they had sex. He had messaged me asking for help and I told him that if he thinks I'm an idiot and that him and my wife deserve each other. Then I confronted my wife and told her no more mr nice guy. Things are going to move fast and they might get ugly if she doesn't cooperate. She said she has no regrets and that she felt alive. I said that's fine you can feel alive every other week (if you play nice) or you can feel alive all the time (if you want this to get ugly in court). She said don't talk to me and walked away. She asked me to move out on her way and I said you get the eff out I'm not going anywhere. She said why do you want to make it bad for the kids. I said don't shift blame you psycho. You are the one who decided to spread it. I'll update more later. Have to take care of the kids now.

[2sunny]

Just found out that they had sex. He had messaged me asking for help and I told him that if he thinks I'm an idiot and that him and my wife deserve each other. Then I confronted my wife and told her no more mr nice guy. Things are going to move fast and they might get ugly if she doesn't cooperate. She said she has no regrets and that she felt alive. I said that's fine you can feel alive every other week (if you play nice) or you can feel alive all the time (if you want this to get ugly in court). She said don't talk to me and walked away. She asked me to move out on her way and I said you get the eff out I'm not going anywhere. She said why do you want to make it bad for the kids. I said don't shift blame you psycho. You are the one who decided to spread it. I'll update more later. Have to take care of the kids now.

 

This was expected. Of course she had sex with him.

 

Now - good for you doing something about it! Stand firm. Get her out of there! Nothing good can come from keeping a drugged up (download) cheater around your young kids.

 

Start asking family to help you, ask friends too!

 

Cut off all credit cards and move any money! She will move it all to her name if you don't!

[2sunny]

Nevermind, but thanks anyway... i rather not know at this time. She knows I can log in and see texts (but no content), but i haven't in while. Part of the 180 is NOT to not spy, it just makes you mad when you find something. I'm just trying not to think about what shes doing for my own sanity.

 

Earlier I was wrong a few times about what she as doing, it it just made it worse because she got mad at me for "spying" So I stopped.

 

Ok, just close the eyes and then you never can see what's really happening... Denial isn't useful. When you have truth - then you actually need to deal with what is real...

 

Eyes closed = I see nothing...

[Jstub]

Just recorded a conversation we had and she confessed. She thinks this a feeling she has never Experienced before bla bla when I brought up the drug addiction she walked away without addressing it. Oh well. I'll update more when I can.

[Steen719]

Just found out that they had sex. He had messaged me asking for help and I told him that if he thinks I'm an idiot and that him and my wife deserve each other. Then I confronted my wife and told her no more mr nice guy. Things are going to move fast and they might get ugly if she doesn't cooperate. She said she has no regrets and that she felt alive. I said that's fine you can feel alive every other week (if you play nice) or you can feel alive all the time (if you want this to get ugly in court). She said don't talk to me and walked away. She asked me to move out on her way and I said you get the eff out I'm not going anywhere. She said why do you want to make it bad for the kids. I said don't shift blame you psycho. You are the one who decided to spread it. I'll update more later. Have to take care of the kids now.

 

Well, as Sunny said, it is not unexpected. The fact that she has no regrets tells you all you need to know. Now you can go forward, knowing you have no choice. I hate all those lies and never really getting the whole truth. UGH

 

I'll tell you what...he has incredible audacity to contact you to help him. What a piece of crap he is!

 

Go forward. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people here who know what this feels like and you can vent here anyway and get some good advice. Take care of you and your kids.

[2sunny]

Well, she's really not capable of feeling - the true nature of feeling - when she's so numb and altered. The drugs also make a person have absolutely no conscience - so... You've been warned.

 

She IS capable of doing despicable things - its really expected!

 

Take away every luxury she has. She can make her own money and earn them herself!

 

 

Get the computer, her credit cards, bank cards, her phone - put them all where she cant have them.

 

Pack her clothes and pills and put her bag in the front yard. Call her boyfriend and tell him to come pick her up!

 

Tomorrow - take the day off to have the locks changed and accounts closed.

[Jstub]

I feel down right now I just want to cry. She tells me it's all my fault that I didn't love her enough that she wanted to cry when we had sex. That she enjoyed being held by OM. She felt safe, she felt home. That she can't help how she feels. That I'm a cold *******. She said she doesn't love him but I read texts where she is saying that she has not felt this love with anyone, so I told her stop your bs, I KNOW! She said you read all my texts? I said maybe I did maybe I didn't. She said you are disgusting, I hate you and I don't want to talk to you anymore. I said the feeling is mutual... I just called my brother and told him and asked him to get me cigarettes because I'm too drunk to drive. I know I did things wrong, I know I messed up in the past, but after I realized, I was willing to give it all, but she says she's done giving, that she can't give anymore.