separated but have to live together

[jaymz]

If you want to "hide" using this or other site, then use the "in private mode" in internet explorer, it leaves no trace - aka porn mode.

 

Ensure your username is nothing to do with your real life.

 

Create a new secret email address via google to re-register with this or other sites if nessary, only access it in "private mode". should keep 99% of your communications secret and give you plausable deniability.

[Jstub]

If you want to "hide" using this or other site, then use the "in private mode" in internet explorer, it leaves no trace - aka porn mode.

 

Ensure your username is nothing to do with your real life.

 

Create a new secret email address via google to re-register with this or other sites if nessary, only access it in "private mode". should keep 99% of your communications secret and give you plausable deniability.

 

Have done all of that. In private mode etc. Just that if my wife were to read this thread, she would know it's me - you can't have 100 coincidences now can you Additionally, I will not be sharing any of the legal matters.

[Jstub]

Jaymz - i have read your story and your wife.. puke. I just wonder, what it's like when things get serious with OM. I know what you went through, but I wonder, how did you make peace with the idea? Did her being nasty contribute greatly? Or what was it? I know it killed you to have your kids live with him.. I wonder about that too.. I have 2 small children..

 

The reason why I ask is because I feel that my wife is now in love with OM and that's just ughhh can't explain. Makes me want to.. i don't even know.

[Jstub]

She is moving out tonight.

 

Last night we had a major argument and I think I got through to her. I explained to her that It does not matter why she did what she did, what matters is that she did it. I told her, if our marriage was such crap, you should have divorced me. If our marriage was such crap, you should have talked to me. She asked, but how could I have told you that I don't love you as my husband, I told her do you think what you did was better? I said, the way you handled it was completely wrong and the amount of damage you caused is unbelievable. I said, on top of all of this, you are trying to determine if what you have with OM is love. Because, you want to tell yourself that you didn't destroy our marriage for nothing. I said, what you do is your own business, but I will not sit here and be disrespected any longer. I will not put up with this. I will NEVER be your back up plan. I said, I don't want you back. She said "oh that makes it easier then", I said, if you had really regretted your actions, it would not matter what I think, you would not be acting this way. I said, I am moving on with my life and she can go figure out whatever the hell she wants to figure out.

 

Then I told her about a conversation we had on our honeymoon. She had told me not to ever hurt her and I had asked her, what would be the most painful thing to you. She had answered the following: I think the thing that would hurt me more than you cheating on me, is if you fall in love with the person on top of that. Then I told her, remember that statement? That's EXACTLY what you have done, so please leave.

 

She said, you are 100% right, I will leave tomorrow. So she leaves tonight.

[Owl]

Well, glad it's all coming to a resolution, my friend. I know it's painful, but having an end in sight has to be better than limping along trying to figure out what to do.

[volkl1996]

She is moving out tonight.

 

Last night we had a major argument and I think I got through to her. I explained to her that It does not matter why she did what she did, what matters is that she did it. I told her, if our marriage was such crap, you should have divorced me. If our marriage was such crap, you should have talked to me. She asked, but how could I have told you that I don't love you as my husband, I told her do you think what you did was better? I said, the way you handled it was completely wrong and the amount of damage you caused is unbelievable. I said, on top of all of this, you are trying to determine if what you have with OM is love. Because, you want to tell yourself that you didn't destroy our marriage for nothing. I said, what you do is your own business, but I will not sit here and be disrespected any longer. I will not put up with this. I will NEVER be your back up plan. I said, I don't want you back. She said "oh that makes it easier then", I said, if you had really regretted your actions, it would not matter what I think, you would not be acting this way. I said, I am moving on with my life and she can go figure out whatever the hell she wants to figure out.

 

Then I told her about a conversation we had on our honeymoon. She had told me not to ever hurt her and I had asked her, what would be the most painful thing to you. She had answered the following: I think the thing that would hurt me more than you cheating on me, is if you fall in love with the person on top of that. Then I told her, remember that statement? That's EXACTLY what you have done, so please leave.

 

She said, you are 100% right, I will leave tomorrow. So she leaves tonight.

 

My ex had the guts and enough self-worth to tell me she no longer loved me. It crushed me..though after talking it out for 3-4 days I moved out.

 

Good for you for making it this far, this fast!

[Jstub]

ughhh why do i feel like crap... why.. this is what I WANTED.... yet it is making me so sad... to wake up and know she is not in the house.. my wife is gone... she has been long gone, but now she will be really gone... the closer it gets, the harder it is getting. Driving me nuts.. can't even concentrate anymore...

[maybealone]

I wish I had something insightful to say to you right now, but all I have is that I feel horrible for what you are going through. It sucks. I'm sorry. We are all here for you.

[Steen719]

ughhh why do i feel like crap... why.. this is what I WANTED.... yet it is making me so sad... to wake up and know she is not in the house.. my wife is gone... she has been long gone, but now she will be really gone... the closer it gets, the harder it is getting. Driving me nuts.. can't even concentrate anymore...

 

Really, it is one of the worst pains I have ever had and I have cried a river. Everyone kept saying I would feel better...I thought, no not me. I am too destroyed, too betrayed and too sad. I know how it hurts. Unfortunately, many of us do. I do feel better than I did, I am beginning to see how my life will be better than it was with a lying, cheating, sob. You will get through it. It is not good every day, but I have more good days than I did. Keep yourself busy, keep low contact (that really does help) and know that in the future, you will feel better. It just takes time (I wanted to scream every time I heard that, but it is true).

[Jstub]

I know it will get better. I believe everyone here when they tell me it will be hard but it will get better. Life will be better without her, I know this. Just the journey seems like an impossible one at the moment, or maybe I should say a very hard one. It's just hard to face it, but I will. I keep reminding myself all the **** she put me through, it makes me angry. Anger was helping me a few days ago, but it doesn't seem to help anymore. It is turning into fear and misery. It's a real roller coaster and I stopped enjoying roller coasters since I was 23, no wonder I don't like this one!

[Steen719]

Yes, the roller coaster ride is the worst of all. You can be up one day (as you say...anger helps) and in the pits the next. I rode the roller coaster for many months and I can honestly say, the highs and lows are not as high or low now, but how it has evened out is fine with me. I don't feel that despair that I did and the knife in my stomach every morning when I woke up is gone. I still think about "it" first thing in the morning, but I actually had a couple of mornings that I thought about something else for a minute or two. Hang in there and hold on. The ride to hell is on and it is relentless for a while, but it gets better.

[Jstub]

I hear you all, it will get better- She is gone now. The house is empty. Kids are sleeping nicely and I am up just thinking about the conversation we had before she left.

 

She said, she thinks about me all the time and the OM just represents her other option. That it's not about him as a person, but it's about an idea. The OM represents carelessness, being irresponsible, having abstract conversations, having fun - the opposite of what our life had turned to be. Our life had become routine, full of responsibilities, even sex had become a duty, she had to break free to feel alive. She said she feels horrible, and that now everything is ****. She says she knows what to expect if she were to pursue him or for her to pursue me. She says now that she had the other side, she is not sure if that's what she wants, but now that she had the other side, she has destroyed us in the process. She hated to hurt me, but if she hadn't broken free, she would have killed herself at some point. She was completely depressed and it was turning into physical pain. She also said that, she wants to take this time to think about her actions and to see what she has done, to figure out what she wants in life. She said, she is hoping to come to the conclusion that it is me she wants, it is our family that she wants, that she would never come back if she would not be able to guarantee me that she would never hurt me again, that she would take care of me and the family.

 

I told her, all of these are justifications for your actions. I don't care why you did it, you should have been honest about our problems and not always pretend, I had asked you countless times, what is wrong, what is on your mind, why are you distant, why are you being a bitch for no reason and you always went to the extreme to lie to me and to find an excuse. After doing that, you had to go cheat for you to liberate yourself? Then guess what, you are free. There is no going back, there is no quick fix, our family is destroyed, the dreams we had have been destroyed and you have yourself to blame. I know I played a part in our demise, but I just wish you were honest with me. If I had known how you were feeling, I would have worked harder, I would have given you my everything. Now, you just go and figure out what you want, I will focus on myself and the kids, go get your life together, go get clean and we will handle the divorce. I will not be an ******* to you if you don't give me a reason.

 

This conversation was a very calm one, she cried and apologized countless times, but it doesn't mean anything.

 

We will take a couple of days to figure out a schedule with the kids. She will be staying with her father.

 

I will now try to find peace in my head to go to sleep. Goodnight LS.

[2sunny]

I admire your strength and courage.

 

Remember - she's not in her right mind.

 

She said she wanted to be reckless and shun the responsibilities - that part - she already made clear by her actions. But actions have consequences - and now she's living with that part.

 

Keep your home peaceful and predictable - it helps to feel balanced and grounded - your kids will do well with that. It's a gift to provide that for them. I gave that to my kids after I got sober... It is still one of my solid boundaries I will not compromise on. My home is to be happy, healthy and safe. That's not too much to ask... I love it this way!

 

Things will get better - you have a chance to determine what the atmosphere in your home is now... That can be a good change. It cold help your kids to feel safe and secure... They may even behave better. Remind them that they are loved by both of you.

 

Hugs

[volkl1996]

ughhh why do i feel like crap... why.. this is what I WANTED.... yet it is making me so sad... to wake up and know she is not in the house.. my wife is gone... she has been long gone, but now she will be really gone... the closer it gets, the harder it is getting. Driving me nuts.. can't even concentrate anymore...

 

Google the 5 Step sof Grieving..read them daily..you will understand.

[findingnemo]

You're doing great, Jstub!!! I'm so proud of you (hope I'm allowed to be). It will be hard but I found that once the decision is made a certain weight is lifted from your shoulders. The most difficult part is being a single parent. It can be overwhelming. Just reach out when you need support and we'll be here.

 

What won't kill you will make you stronger... As far as cliches are concerned, this one is true.

[Jstub]

Google the 5 Step sof Grieving..read them daily..you will understand.

 

I am very familiar with the 5 steps. I lost my father when i was 12 and was stuck in the denial phase for a while

 

Taking the day off today to have a good time with the kids.

 

Thank you all for the encouraging words.

[jaymz]

Jaymz - i have read your story and your wife.. puke. I just wonder, what it's like when things get serious with OM. I know what you went through, but I wonder, how did you make peace with the idea? Did her being nasty contribute greatly? Or what was it? I know it killed you to have your kids live with him.. I wonder about that too.. I have 2 small children..

 

The reason why I ask is because I feel that my wife is now in love with OM and that's just ughhh can't explain. Makes me want to.. i don't even know.

 

I don't think I have made peace with the idea. I want to accept it and be indifferent, but it feels impossible.

 

Scumbag bringing up my kids? worse. thing. ever.

[jaymz]

Well done, you are doing all the right things!

[2sunny]

So she's living with her Dad now... Maybe he will also see her behavior that's concerning.

 

Maybe he will encourage her to get off the medicine and address her issues surrounding that.

[Jstub]

So she's living with her Dad now... Maybe he will also see her behavior that's concerning.

 

Maybe he will encourage her to get off the medicine and address her issues surrounding that.

 

Her father is an alcoholic who was kicked out of the house by his wife, when my wife was 4 years old, because he cheated. He never cared for her and he was never around to help her when she needed him. No help there.

[Bradly]

I hear you all, it will get better- She is gone now. The house is empty. Kids are sleeping nicely and I am up just thinking about the conversation we had before she left.

 

She said, she thinks about me all the time and the OM just represents her other option. That it's not about him as a person, but it's about an idea. The OM represents carelessness, being irresponsible, having abstract conversations, having fun - the opposite of what our life had turned to be. Our life had become routine, full of responsibilities, even sex had become a duty, she had to break free to feel alive. She said she feels horrible, and that now everything is ****. She says she knows what to expect if she were to pursue him or for her to pursue me. She says now that she had the other side, she is not sure if that's what she wants, but now that she had the other side, she has destroyed us in the process. She hated to hurt me, but if she hadn't broken free, she would have killed herself at some point. She was completely depressed and it was turning into physical pain. She also said that, she wants to take this time to think about her actions and to see what she has done, to figure out what she wants in life. She said, she is hoping to come to the conclusion that it is me she wants, it is our family that she wants, that she would never come back if she would not be able to guarantee me that she would never hurt me again, that she would take care of me and the family.

 

I told her, all of these are justifications for your actions. I don't care why you did it, you should have been honest about our problems and not always pretend, I had asked you countless times, what is wrong, what is on your mind, why are you distant, why are you being a bitch for no reason and you always went to the extreme to lie to me and to find an excuse. After doing that, you had to go cheat for you to liberate yourself? Then guess what, you are free. There is no going back, there is no quick fix, our family is destroyed, the dreams we had have been destroyed and you have yourself to blame. I know I played a part in our demise, but I just wish you were honest with me. If I had known how you were feeling, I would have worked harder, I would have given you my everything. Now, you just go and figure out what you want, I will focus on myself and the kids, go get your life together, go get clean and we will handle the divorce. I will not be an ******* to you if you don't give me a reason.

 

This conversation was a very calm one, she cried and apologized countless times, but it doesn't mean anything.

 

We will take a couple of days to figure out a schedule with the kids. She will be staying with her father.

 

I will now try to find peace in my head to go to sleep. Goodnight LS.

 

I can't even believe how close your story is to mine... She doesn't tell me much but I know this is how she feels... Good luck bro.. Take care of the kids and move on

[Jstub]

I have been having a few rough days, but I am just focusing on providing a good environment for the kids and me. We are having lots of fun. Go to the park etc. Saw that woman I had a thing with last week again and we just said hi and asked each other how we both have been doing etc. Nothing more nothing less. I do find her attractive (not as as attractive as my W though).

 

My W came over to see the kids and she looked terrible, depressed etc. We talked, it was very civil. She kept saying that she just needs time to discover herself and that she does not expect me to wait for her nor forgive her, that all she asks is for me to try to understand her and that she has been very confused and not herself and that she knows she loves me and that 2 weeks ago, she was sure that she didn't want this marriage anymore, but now, she knows she wants to bring herself back. I did not even answer... I have heard all of that before, or some version of it.

 

Now, the interesting part - she checks into rehab today. She has finally admitted that she has a huge problem and she wants to fix it. When she told me, she was very hesitant, she asked me to promise her that I wouldn't use that to take the kids away from her, she begged me and she was crying that I should never do that. I told her, the fact that she is actually admitting to having a problem and doing something about it, gives me the confidence that she can take care of the kids. I told her that I am not a monster and that I believe kids need both their parents equally. I said, I would never use the children to cause harm to her, that's despicable...

[standtall]

. I told her, the fact that she is actually admitting to having a problem and doing something about it, gives me the confidence that she can take care of the kids. I told her that I am not a monster and that I believe kids need both their parents equally. I said, I would never use the children to cause harm to her, that's despicable...

 

Dude, you're taking the high ground here and doing what is best for your children despite what you think she deserves. Too bad more people don't act like this in divorces. This is good example for everyone that reads this.

[2sunny]

Wow! That is good that your decisions are affecting her- to make steps in a positive direction!

 

She actually and finally admitted she has a problem - and is now seeking help. Right on! It's a long tough road that she needs to stay focused on getting sober and staying sober. That can be great change for all of you if she stays on path!

 

Is she starting with detox? It's not helpful if she doesn't get the medicine out before starting her path. I hope she's going to detox - and will stay there! Most start being REALLY uncomfortable on or about the 2-3rd day - and do tend to want to get out to go back to the medicine.

 

I do suggest you being supportive of her getting healthy and staying healthy - for her sake and your kids.

 

The matter of the marriage or no marriage can be determined later - if and when you think or feel differently about how she's participating... But that won't show evidence for a while what that may or may not be.

 

We can focus some positive energy for her to get healthy.

 

I understand the adjustment is hard for you - but you are doing what's right. It's not easy but I do admire your courage and strength to do what's right for your kids- that's what's important.

 

They should always know that you BOTH love them very much.

[Jstub]

The matter of the marriage or no marriage can be determined later - if and when you think or feel differently about how she's participating... But that won't show evidence for a while what that may or may not be.

 

Wait a second there... do you think this marriage stands a chance? Assuming, she gets clean and 100% committed and shows it? I have given up to be honest, but I remember my words to her sometimes.. in good times and bad times till death do us part... this is one hell of a bad time...