2sunny Posted April 7, 2012 Share Posted April 7, 2012 You are her obstacle because she doesn't want to stop her drugs. Don't take it personally - she can't help it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jstub Posted April 7, 2012 Author Share Posted April 7, 2012 W was calling me all morning and obviously I was not answering. She went to the extent of sending her father to the house to deliver a message (45 minute drive). The message was, she has figured it out! So apparently, when she woke up this morning next to OM, she realized that she does not love him, nor does she love me. She realized she is free. She realized she wants to be alone. Her dad insisted that I call her, so I did. She repeated what I just said and she said, I need to make a decision if I want to move up north with her to stay close and that If I don't make a decision she will move by herself and the kids. I told her to take her head out of her ass and that she can't move anywhere with the kids and that she doesn't even have an elfing job. She said, she will just take the child support money and rent a small place and plant a garden, keep expenses low and build a life for herself and the kids, she will work in the evenings etc. - Again, I told her, kindly remove your head out of your ass and just leave me alone. She started saying how immature I am, that I can't accept that she had a change of heart and that she's only human. She said, just because our marriage didn't work out, that doesn't mean that our family won't work out. Then she started talking about the life we built together, that we can do anything if we put our heads together. I told her, yes I know, we were a great team and we accomplished a lot together, but you decided to destroy that team and our family, so there is no US anymore. We are no longer a team - I said, go put a plan together as to what you want to do - I will put together all the legal crap, child support agreement, alimony agreement, all that and we can settle this out of the courts if you wish. She said, don't make me take everything from you, don't make me take the kids away from you and if you are lucky you get visitation rights - I said, maybe you are living in lala land, but try to do that, I dare you. She is just blowing smoke, but I am so over this crap it doesn't even get to me anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 8, 2012 Share Posted April 8, 2012 Again, she's not thinking clearly! Her Dad is enabling her by even driving to deliver that piss poor message! So what? What does that message change...? NOTHING! Because SHE needs detox and rehab - yet she's creating all this drama so you don't notice she's not doing what she needs to do= detox! It's always that way...expect more craziness from her IF you keep in contact - it ALWAYS gets worse before it gets better when they are using. I'd call her right now and tell her "you aren't having the kids while you're in your active disease...you'll never have them again unless you get help to get your mind clear!" tell her NO MORE communication until she seeks help. You're talking to her pills. Al anon may help educate you...but you seem to be ok without outside help. I know it may not mean much to you - but I admire how your handling this. You're doing better than most! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jstub Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 hmmm how should I put this. There is this girl from work that always seemed interested in me. Look at me all the time etc. I always acted distant because I was not available. She's the type of girl that you just have fun with - no relationship material (which I don't need at the moment). I am toying with the idea of asking her out for drinks, but the work place has a policy of "relationship disclosure" - you can "date" a colleague but you have to disclose it. Obviously, I don't want to do that - because they think I am married. My boss knows the situation but HR doesn't. SO, is this a retarded idea? or should I go for it this is not to fill in a void of my W. For me, this is just about sleeping with a pretty good looking woman. I have my needs... Link to post Share on other sites
elfman Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Hey J... well, how far into a relationship would you have to be to be held up to the "disclosing" part? I mean, it seems blatantly fascist to have to tell everyone you will ask someone out for drinks... Could you ask her for drinks and see if you hit it off, have a nice flip/flap and a boost to self-esteem... if it gets to that... great, you disclose that you "went out" without any specifics... if it doesn't well, at least you had a few drinks... I would go for it bud... how bad can it really hurt to have your workmates know that you are going through a crisis in your marriage... after all, you wife seems happy to be playing the flip on that OM. So your options: 1) Go out, see what happens, if you end up in the sack, disclose a "night out"... 2) Go out, nothing happens, nothing to disclose. 3) Don't go out... out of fear of disclosing something they probably already know (lets face it, workplace is not the best place to keep secrets). I would go out. Oh and let us know, of course, so we can all bask in a little bit of sunshine :-) Have fun, and stray strong. E. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Yes, this is a retarded idea. Sorry, but gotta say it like it is. Here's the thing...right now, you've got your wife over a legal barrel. She's a drug addict, and she's cheated. While these may not be factors in divorce, they damned sure can be factors in custody...which ties into child support. You've got massive grounds for her as an unfit parent. Don't give her anything to come back against you with. Keep it clean and snowy pure til the divorce is final. Start keeping a journal of all of your interactions with her. It may seem silly, but it can help a LOT when you start working through the court stuff. Stand your ground, and do everything in your power to take care of your kids. That would include using whatever legal means needed to keep your wife's custody of them to a minimum. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 It's an inadequate idea only because you don't have to "fish in the company pond". You can do that other places - without the consequences of bringing drama into your workplace. Of all the places you could meet someone - your workplace shouldn't be the best option. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Hey J... well, how far into a relationship would you have to be to be held up to the "disclosing" part? I mean, it seems blatantly fascist to have to tell everyone you will ask someone out for drinks... Could you ask her for drinks and see if you hit it off, have a nice flip/flap and a boost to self-esteem... if it gets to that... great, you disclose that you "went out" without any specifics... if it doesn't well, at least you had a few drinks... I would go for it bud... how bad can it really hurt to have your workmates know that you are going through a crisis in your marriage... after all, you wife seems happy to be playing the flip on that OM. So your options: 1) Go out, see what happens, if you end up in the sack, disclose a "night out"... 2) Go out, nothing happens, nothing to disclose. 3) Don't go out... out of fear of disclosing something they probably already know (lets face it, workplace is not the best place to keep secrets). I would go out. Oh and let us know, of course, so we can all bask in a little bit of sunshine :-) Have fun, and stray strong. E. I don't suggest or support this at all! Anything to jeopardize your income right now is not a bright idea! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jstub Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 okay - idea dropped. Owl and 2sunny make good points. As for Elfman, I see where you are coming from, but I will take the other advice. Sorry! Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 okay - idea dropped. Owl and 2sunny make good points. As for Elfman, I see where you are coming from, but I will take the other advice. Sorry! Not very nice to the girl, either, since she is interested in you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jstub Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 Not very nice to the girl, either, since she is interested in you. Wouldn't have felt bad for the girl at all. As far as she knows I am married and have 2 children (which she has met when I brought them to work once) and she was still interested. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Well, the little hussy! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jstub Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 Well, the little hussy! That's why I said, only to meet certain needs haha Link to post Share on other sites
elfman Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Hey Bud, No need to apologize... When you initially asked I thought disclosure meant that it would make it safe, I am not used to such company policies, but definitely, if you think you will jeopardize your income, or even affect custody by doing it, then its a no-brainer... I retract and stand corrected... Thats the good thing about this forum, all sort of advice gets posted and you get to analyze it all and chose... Thank you guys for giving a better piece of advice than I could muster. E. Link to post Share on other sites
maybealone Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Wouldn't have felt bad for the girl at all. As far as she knows I am married and have 2 children (which she has met when I brought them to work once) and she was still interested. Unless she came out and said something like, "Hey, if you'd ever like some sex on the side, her's my number," you can't be sure what she was thinking. Looking at you and even flirting with you doesn't necessarily mean she was hoping to get you to cheat on your wife. Maybe she was just being nice in case you ever did become available -- unhappy marriages are not as easy to hide from observant people as everyone would like to think. So I do think it would have been unfair to go after her only for sex. And if she is just someone who sleeps with anyone, I still think you'd be better off finding someone like that that you don't work with. So I'm glad you already made that decision. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 When you have the need to decide on anything - as a general rule always ask yourself this: Will this cause harm to me or others? If the answer is yes - then your answer should easily be "don't do that". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jstub Posted April 10, 2012 Author Share Posted April 10, 2012 When you have the need to decide on anything - as a general rule always ask yourself this: Will this cause harm to me or others? If the answer is yes - then your answer should easily be "don't do that". I will remind myself of this. Thank You. Link to post Share on other sites
jaymz Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 When you have the need to decide on anything - as a general rule always ask yourself this: Will this cause harm to me or others? If the answer is yes - then your answer should easily be "don't do that". This is very good advice. Its too early in the process to think about dating, it will just muddy the waters and really wont be fair on either of you. I had a couple of ONS and dated a girl for 3 weeks, 6 months after my d-day. While it was great at first, I was still a complete emotional mess and just really ruined what could have been a great friendship. I was still too caught up in my world and just did not consider her at all, it wasnt intentional but I was doing it. Now I am starting to see a new girl, 1 year after d-day. I am taking it much slower this time to see where it leads to. There are others on here which think I am doing it too early too! After all what is the big rush? This is also very true. My advice would be to wait until things are much more settled. Nothing wrong with meeting new people and making friends, some of the best marriages I know are people who just were friends. The only person who can know if you are ready is you, just make sure you are listening to you and not primeval urges... And do what Owl says above!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jstub Posted April 11, 2012 Author Share Posted April 11, 2012 The past few days have been crazy. My wife moved back in (upon her lawyer's recommendation).I tried to stop her, but failed. The house has been a war zone for 2 days now. Threats, screaming, lies, deception - you name it. Now she is saying she can't live in this area and that she will move up north with me or without me. That she will "milk" me and get support from her family and just do it all by herself. I keep telling her, I don't have to put up with your demands and that she can't just take the kids and go where she pleases. She keeps saying that she will put blame of her sickness on to me to get alimony for a longer period of time. I keep telling her bring it on and that she should f off to her bf and let him take care of her. She keeps playing the kids card, that I am making it so difficult and hurting the children just to get to her. That she doesn't want a relationship with OM right now, because if real life kicks in, she knows their relationship will suffer (yea, she really said that) she says she knows OM will do anything for her and that if she wanted to move in with him she can. I keep telling her to do it then. It's just back and forth, as if she is playing games with me to make me give in to her BS. Basically, she wants me to move with her and rent a property with a main house and a back house. That way I can be involved in the kids every day lives. Her offer on the other hand is that she will garden in the morning and watch the kids and go work at night and weekends. She says she will keep the contact to OM and will meet him every month or so (8 hours drive) and in 6 months, if everything goes well with her and OM and that she is sure that it is real love and not some rebound or the need for company, that she will ask him to move up north too. Basically, she wants us to be a family but not as a married couple, we both do what we want but stay a family. IT'S JUST ****ING CRAZY. What she doesn't get that this won't work, specially with OM involved like this... My dilemma is the following. I don't want my kids to grow up in this area. I want to see my kids every day. I would like for my kids to grow up in the country side. The difficulty is, this complicates things greatly. Going through a divorce right now alone is enough, but add to that, finding a new job, moving with someone that you can't stand - it's just retarded. I told her I will not be doing what she wants and I don't care what she thinks. I will be offering her child support and alimony and she can do whatever she wants as long as the law allows her. I also told her that her argument of asking for alimony for a longer period of time, based on the fact that she is sick and can't get her life together, will easily be debunked by the fact that she cheated (she put herself and the children in this situation). She went crazy and said, oh you have proof of me cheating? I said, that and much more......... ughhhhhhhhhhhh Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 You need to get your lawyer on the blower NOW. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 VAR Voice Activated Recorder Crazy words, crazy behavior! Link to post Share on other sites
elfman Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 My dilemma is the following. I don't want my kids to grow up in this area. I want to see my kids every day. I would like for my kids to grow up in the country side. The difficulty is, this complicates things greatly. Going through a divorce right now alone is enough, but add to that, finding a new job, moving with someone that you can't stand - it's just retarded. I told her I will not be doing what she wants and I don't care what she thinks. I will be offering her child support and alimony and she can do whatever she wants as long as the law allows her. I also told her that her argument of asking for alimony for a longer period of time, based on the fact that she is sick and can't get her life together, will easily be debunked by the fact that she cheated (she put herself and the children in this situation). She went crazy and said, oh you have proof of me cheating? I said, that and much more......... ughhhhhhhhhhhh Damn it Js, I am so sorry that this happened, from what I've read you were making progress, damn it you don't deserve this. I agree with WGW, get a lawyer NOW! This will likely get ugly, you guys are pulling your hair out... As you say, she has no way of taking the kids without ending up with a kidnapping charge, but still, this definitely puts your life on pause. Don't give in, she needs to go live with her boyfriend, for real... Have you disclosed her affair to her parents, her family, the other dude's family? I would consider asking the help of her father or mother in making her realize she is about to make the **** hit the fan. Sigh, I hate this, your post scares the **** out of me... E. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jstub Posted April 11, 2012 Author Share Posted April 11, 2012 I already have a lawyer. Her father is well aware of the situation and he took my side and they had a huge fight about it. It doesn't really matter who has who's side - bottom line is, it's gonna get ugly and it's gonna get ugly fast. I need to record her lies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jstub Posted April 12, 2012 Author Share Posted April 12, 2012 Ok - time for bull****. This head to head crap is not working. Have to trick the monster. Have to tame the lion and then butcher it. I know my wife well enough to see that going head to head against her will make things worse. Therefore, I got her a very small bunch of flowers and went home like that today. I said, these are for you - she was SHOCKED. She said for what purpose? I said, just because - she got watery eyes. I said, you know you are the mother of my children, I don't hate you. I am sorry for being so mean to you. She gave me a hug and she was crying a river. She said, they are so beautiful and cute. I said I am glad you like them. Then, when the kids went to bed, I poured some wine for both of us and invited her to sit outside with me (with the voice recorder on - gotta love the apps haha) she told me how horrible her day was and that the kids drove her crazy, that she can't take care of them properly and that she almost hit our son. She said, she took too many pills and that she was not herself. BINGO ON TAPE. Afterwards, she started talking about OM and that she wants my advice and that I am very good with my intuition about people (which I am) - She asked me what I think about it with all hurt aside - (I wanted to choke her at this point, but hey playing nice right?) So I explained to her that the fact that both of them are not willing to commit is very convenient for him and her. That how great it is for him not to deal with kids, bills, life, shopping and just meet once a month and have sex with a woman half his age. For her, she is just living in a fantasy, and that she knows very well if she put her every day life in his hands it will turn into ****. She said, he knows how much trouble (getting divorced is trouble i guess haha) she got into and he does not stop - I said why would he stop? Why give you up if you are willing to do the no strings attached thing with him? He would be stupid to. She said, if he really loved her, he would have left her alone and said go get your life together and I will wait for you. Then she said, she can't believe someone can be so evil to destroy a family etc. I said now, wait a second, he did not rape you.. don't blame him, this is your doing. She said she gets that - but what kind of a person does he have to be to do this. At that point, I was done - I told her I have given you my opinion, you take what you want from it and do what you want with it. I then said, do what you think is best for you - go be with him or not, I simply don't care, I just want this to be over. I think with this approach, I will gather so much dirt on her that she would have no choice but to shut the eff up and get this over with. What do you all think? Am I doing the right thing? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 I think you did great under the circumstances. Do not react or over react to her craziness. That just feeds the lion, you get me? And remember - all her planning - she's not herself and she's not in her right mind. She said she took too many pills... Ya, that's an everyday occurrence.you also know now that she has many more pills than you may have thought before. These make her out of her mind - so expect her to act out of her mind. She's not going to make sense. And IF you have sex with her - it's only because she's trying to manipulate and control you with that bargaining power. Wear PROTECTION if you do that!!!! Don't listen to what she says. It's designed to NOT make sense. I speak from experience of years ago... She may not even remember what she says to you. IF she doesn't go to detox - you have very reason to believe that this will get worse before it gets better. Sorry for your pain. It sucks! Link to post Share on other sites
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