2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 Detox should be supervised... Under strict adherence to getting her off of the meds - or, if needed, to wean her so she doesn't tailspin mentally by a severe imbalance to the reaction of taking meds out of her system. She may just be trying to switch over to new meds. You can't know - because users LIE! She can't be trusted because she hasn't EARNED your trust at this point. And she's not in her RIGHT mind! And even IF she gets clean - it takes a good 18-24 months for her mind to get more clear and focused. You aren't realizing that she's just trying to bump you back to your OLD position... Until she works a solid program of becoming recovered, one day at a time, you should just let her find the helps he needs... And she needs SERIOUS help. Talking to her is just listening to the lies she's telling herself- the ones she wants to believe too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jstub Posted April 19, 2012 Author Share Posted April 19, 2012 (edited) I came home today and the kids were still napping. I sat outside and my wife came with some coffee. She was looking at me with such loving eyes, I had to ask her "why you looking at me like this" she said "because I love you and I am sorry". I was silent. She then continued and said "I broke it off with om" I was again silent. She asked me "aren't you happy?" I said "should I be?" she then explained that all om did was cause her problems and all he wanted to do was to go to a hotel with her and that even though she crapped on me with her actions I was the one who took care of her and om just didn't give a **** and he just wanted to go somewhere and have sex. She then said she knows he loves her but that's not real love, what she has with me is real love, because I cared for her when I shouldn't have. She then said, she would put me first even if we do get divorced, that om is not worth jeopardizing our good terms even with divorce. She said she refuses to go to a hotel and come home to see my face after I know what she was up to. I told her, I don't see us working things out and I hope she is sure she is not making a mistake. She said, if she thought what she had with om was real she would have pursued it. What do you all think about this? I need opinions. Detox and now breaking it off with om. Is she coming back? Am I being too harsh? Should I stop the divorce procedures? Should I continue but wait till I sign? I am lost. I don't even know if she wants to make this work. I don't know if I want to make it work. I don't think she knows herself. Edited April 19, 2012 by Jstub Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 Let her detox and have a long amount of time being clean and staying sober. No need to do anyhing at this point. She's only getting started. She has a LOOONG road ahead. Look out for you and your kids best interest! Don't believe words. Watch actions - consistent actions. No need to SIGN final divorce papers - you need to be sure before doing anything further. But we do know that at least she's given thought to you and to changing her ways now that she knows you will divorce her. Stand firm for a bit... She's motivated to change but that addiction is a bear to break! And stop flirting with other women! You're not divorced yet... You can wait! It's not fair to other women when you're not even clear about what you're doing next. Keep trying to encourage your W to go INTO a detox facility and then straight to rehab! This is when you have your best shot at getting her help. Tell her to go ASAP! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jstub Posted April 19, 2012 Author Share Posted April 19, 2012 Thanks 2sunny - time is running out, I need to make a decision. I have 3 months left in this house and I need to make a move. Do we move together? Do we move north? Do i tell her to move by herself? I just don't know... About the detox, she seems very very motivated at this point - I want to give her a chance. I know the difference between her being sober and her being on something. She is very sensitive and she can't hide it. She seems to be a little bit edgy sometimes, but she is keeping it in check - that's normal i guess. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 No need to move together unless you intend to live with a very unpredictable woman. A few days of withdrawals does not make a woman sober! She needs to do the work on her own... I'm not saying finalize the D - I'm saying being separate from her while she does her work she needs to do to GET and STAY sober LONG TERM (years) is only going to help all of you. You can't control it and you really don't want to have to watch it while it's happening...your kids don't want that either. It's very hard. You can't do it for her. Demand formal detox and rehab! None of this half way stuff! She's got serious issues to address. Give her time and the space to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 Thanks 2sunny - time is running out, I need to make a decision. I have 3 months left in this house and I need to make a move. Do we move together? Do we move north? Do i tell her to move by herself Unless you want to be the doormat cuckold to her and her OM. She will stomp on you like nobodies business if you move with her. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 Am I the only one who finds it odd that she has had this big change of heart right after you two were told you have to find a new place? Maybe I am cynical. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jstub Posted April 19, 2012 Author Share Posted April 19, 2012 After sleeping over it today, I have decided that I will not back down. Of course I care for her and I lose sight of the big picture sometimes. I will continue the divorce paperwork, but I will not sign anything. There is no point in rushing to get divorced, HOWEVER - I WILL NOT MOVE WITH HER. I told her, we need to be separated for now and that I can't be with her. She asked if I wanted to divorce her, I said we will see about that. Ugh that was a mistake I guess. But was it?? I do not want to finalize the divorce right now - I see little hope of her coming back to herself. That doesn't mean that I will be naive or a door mat. Was it wrong to show her a sign of hope? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jstub Posted April 19, 2012 Author Share Posted April 19, 2012 Unless you want to be the doormat cuckold to her and her OM. She will stomp on you like nobodies business if you move with her. Standtall - she has ended it with OM. So she says - I am watching.. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 After sleeping over it today, I have decided that I will not back down. Of course I care for her and I lose sight of the big picture sometimes. I will continue the divorce paperwork, but I will not sign anything. There is no point in rushing to get divorced, HOWEVER - I WILL NOT MOVE WITH HER. I told her, we need to be separated for now and that I can't be with her. She asked if I wanted to divorce her, I said we will see about that. Ugh that was a mistake I guess. But was it?? I do not want to finalize the divorce right now - I see little hope of her coming back to herself. That doesn't mean that I will be naive or a door mat. Was it wrong to show her a sign of hope? You strike me as equally confused as she is. Get your butts into Marriage Counseling, otherwise this Waffle Dance will continue indefinitely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jstub Posted April 19, 2012 Author Share Posted April 19, 2012 You strike me as equally confused as she is. Get your butts into Marriage Counseling, otherwise this Waffle Dance will continue indefinitely. I am confused, because she is confusing the crap out of me. No way in hell she will do MC. She has to get clean (no drugs) + NC to OM for now. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 Standtall - she has ended it with OM. So she says - I am watching.. I'm sure it was her OM who ended it! She's just making you think it was her. Lots of OM love it when their affair partner isn't ALWAYS available! Now she comes at him with ALL HER BAGGAGE and he probably is now noticing her drug using behavior too! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 Standtall - she has ended it with OM. So she says - I am watching.. I'm sure it was her OM who ended it! She's just making you think it was her. Lots of OM love it when their affair partner isn't ALWAYS available! Now she comes at him with ALL HER BAGGAGE and he probably is now noticing her drug using behavior too! He decided to RUN! So she reels YOU back in... Mainly because she can! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 I am confused, because she is confusing the crap out of me. No way in hell she will do MC. She has to get clean (no drugs) + NC to OM for now. She needs formal detox! You are confused because she is a drug user! Stay away from any conversations about your future! There's nothing to talk about until she's been clean for a year or two! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jstub Posted April 19, 2012 Author Share Posted April 19, 2012 I'm sure it was her OM who ended it! She's just making you think it was her. Lots of OM love it when their affair partner isn't ALWAYS available! Now she comes at him with ALL HER BAGGAGE and he probably is now noticing her drug using behavior too! She was open about it - she actually showed me all communications regarding her decision and his answers etc. they were all through FB. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 Who decides that she's clean, and how? If you...how do you decide that she's "clean"? Based off of what information, and for how long? That's why detox needs to be managed by professionals. Not to mention that they can help deal with the additional medical and emotional side-affects of detox, whereas you cannot. Nor can she. Can you accept remaining in a marriage with her when she has the power and control to PREVENT the two of you from going to marriage counseling together? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 Since she hasn't addressed the CAUSE of why she uses - and changed everything in her life - you can only believe that she will use again. It takes time to weed through the emotional crap of why we drink/use! It's a cover up for those "feelings that we just don't want to feel"! You can't make her face her demons! Step away while she gets desperate enough to DO that hard work. It may motivate her to DO that work if you stay away for a long time. Trust is earned - she won't be capable of EARNING BACK your trust for a long while. Go to al anon. It could help you understand the active disease and what recovery looks like. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 You staying now is only sending her a message that she gets rewarded for her bad behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jstub Posted April 19, 2012 Author Share Posted April 19, 2012 The truth of the matter is, I am no angel myself. I do use from time to time. It's all a big mess. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 The truth of the matter is, I am no angel myself. I do use from time to time. It's all a big mess. Well do you have a problem quitting? What are you using and how much, how often? It's still totally separate from what she needs to do... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jstub Posted April 19, 2012 Author Share Posted April 19, 2012 (edited) Don't want to discuss publicly sent in a private message 2sunny. Edited April 19, 2012 by Jstub Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 And this is mentioned 20 pages in? /sigh Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 And this is mentioned 20 pages in? /sigh Yep... Lying by omission doesn't help us to help you... Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 The truth of the matter is, I am no angel myself. I do use from time to time. It's all a big mess. Oh geesh..out comes the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jstub Posted April 19, 2012 Author Share Posted April 19, 2012 (edited) Truth is, i never considered myself an addict - it is not a daily occurrence. During this hard time, it's been once every 2 weeks. You may see it as lying by omission - I just didn't think it's relevant if i want to "forget" once in a while by using - same as getting drunk. I do understand what you mean though. So now it's on the table. We are talking about cocaine here by the way. Edited April 19, 2012 by Jstub Link to post Share on other sites
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