separated but have to live together

[Jstub]

You'd be shocked what sex acts are exchanged for drugs.

 

So she's not mad about the phone? She must have gotten an extra pay as you go phone already - or had it before...

 

IF she attempts full custody - just simply ask the judge to drug test her right on the spot. She's not gonna tell her attorney about her drug use. It's up to you to disclose her habit and lack of ability to care for the kids. Keep a diary of daily events.

 

But, if she has a prescription for drugs in her system, doesn't that disqualify my point?

[Jstub]

And the right thing to do would be a phone call to the doctor that prescribed it - telling him that she's an addict.

 

I will try to find out who the DR. was. does it say on the prescription bottle? I could try to sneak around and find it.

 

As for the pay as you go - I don't think so. Not yet, because the way I caught her was by reading her sms messages, even after she had deleted them. Oh, how I love technology. Basically, she was texting with her number yesterday, if she had a pay as you go, she wouldn't have used her own phone for that and risked anything (even though she deletes her messages).

Edited March 24, 2012 by Jstub

[2sunny]

Yes the dr is on the bottle.

[Jstub]

So i just had a conversation with soon to be ex wife. It was completely civil. The subject turned to be OM, she said she feels that she was taken advantage of in her most vulnerable time that what kind of a man would come and destroy a family just because they want to get into her pants, what kind of a person would tell her they love her etc. I told her to shut it and stop blaming other people for her own ****. I said, the OM didn't force you to spread it, you did that willingly or else we should have been calling the police for rape. She started crying and said I am sorry for the mess that I created, I know I was confused before but this sealed the deal. Now you are not going to want me anymore. I said "damn right" and walked away, then she said "I Love you" and I said, oh I had sex today, it was mind blowing (her exact words to the guy about their sex in a message). Then she said WHAT???? WHO? I said, I will not discuss my life with you - good night.

 

Feeling guilty? Things not going so well with OM eh?? Life's a bitch. I FEEL GOOD - WHAT A DAY.

[standtall]

So i just had a conversation with soon to be ex wife. It was completely civil. The subject turned to be OM, she said she feels that she was taken advantage of in her most vulnerable time that what kind of a man would come and destroy a family just because they want to get into her pants, what kind of a person would tell her they love her etc. I told her to shut it and stop blaming other people for her own ****. I said, the OM didn't force you to spread it, you did that willingly or else we should have been calling the police for rape. She started crying and said I am sorry for the mess that I created, I know I was confused before but this sealed the deal. Now you are not going to want me anymore. I said "damn right" and walked away, then she said "I Love you" and I said, oh I had sex today, it was mind blowing (her exact words to the guy about their sex in a message). Then she said WHAT???? WHO? I said, I will not discuss my life with you - good night.

 

Feeling guilty? Things not going so well with OM eh?? Life's a bitch. I FEEL GOOD - WHAT A DAY.

 

Wow..you took the bull by the horns. You might want to show her a little mercy in the future...

[Binster]

Scru mercy, Go for the throat.

[Jstub]

Wow..you took the bull by the horns. You might want to show her a little mercy in the future...

 

Why would I show mercy to a woman that did not show any respect? To a woman that put me tru hell and back? This morning she told me again that she is confused and that she loves me. I told her yea but I don't love you anymore. Have class all day today so that should keep my mind off things. She wants me to go to a get together with her and our friends today. Told her no.

[findingnemo]

Why would I show mercy to a woman that did not show any respect? To a woman that put me tru hell and back? This morning she told me again that she is confused and that she loves me. I told her yea but I don't love you anymore. Have class all day today so that should keep my mind off things. She wants me to go to a get together with her and our friends today. Told her no.

 

The way she changes her mind could drive anyone crazy. You really don't need this woman in your life and definitely not spending too much time with your kids either. She is unstable.

 

I admire how you're handling it though. Keep going.

[2sunny]

Although I wouldn't suggest the sex with the new gal and then telling your wife - what's done is done.

 

You're staying strong - that is good.

 

The reall issues here are her drug habit being out of control and addressing the marriage ending.

 

I'd stay on top of those two things and do your best to keep moving forward.

 

The main way a user quits - is when their whole life comes tumbling down and they get miserable from the way they are living.

 

Let her get to that miserable state - it helps the user to get MOTIVATED to admit a problem and open to CHANGE. Change is good! Very good!

 

Say on path. Try not to make things more complicated than necessary with the new gal - she has her own problems now and you don't need to carry worries for TWO families.

 

If you want to see her - that can wait until things get settled down and aren't so chaotic.

[Jstub]

Although I wouldn't suggest the sex with the new gal and then telling your wife - what's done is done.

 

You're staying strong - that is good.

 

The reall issues here are her drug habit being out of control and addressing the marriage ending.

 

I'd stay on top of those two things and do your best to keep moving forward.

 

The main way a user quits - is when their whole life comes tumbling down and they get miserable from the way they are living.

 

Let her get to that miserable state - it helps the user to get MOTIVATED to admit a problem and open to CHANGE. Change is good! Very good!

 

Say on path. Try not to make things more complicated than necessary with the new gal - she has her own problems now and you don't need to carry worries for TWO families.

 

If you want to see her - that can wait until things get settled down and aren't so chaotic.

 

Not interested in the new gal. No interest whatsoever. We both just used each other to feel better.

[2sunny]

I'm admiring your strength and a firm boundary!!!

 

Stick with the plan - you're doing better than most!

[standtall]

Why would I show mercy to a woman that did not show any respect? To a woman that put me tru hell and back?

 

It was just a suggestion. I know your rightfully pissed and everything, but bringing up (rubbing it in her face) your fun the other night served no purpose to progress your divorce. I'm not advocating forgiving her or being nice, just don't go out of your way to make her cry just because you can. It is easy to treat people you like with civilly, it is noble to treat people you dislike civilly. I would take the moral high ground here.

 

I can think of one main reason to show her mercy...for your kids sake. She is the mother of your children and you have to deal with her for another dozen years or so.

Edited March 24, 2012 by standtall

[Jstub]

She keeps calling me. Not answeing. I wonder what she's thinking.

[Jstub]

It was just a suggestion. I know your rightfully pissed and everything, but bringing up (rubbing it in her face) your fun the other night served no purpose to progress your divorce. I'm not advocating forgiving her or being nice, just don't go out of your way to make her cry just because you can. It is easy to treat people you like with civilly, it is noble to treat people you dislike civilly. I would take the moral high ground here.

 

I can think of one main reason to show her mercy...for your kids sake. She is the mother of your children and you have to deal with her for another dozen years or so.

 

I get where you are coming from. I will try to remind myself to be kind for the sake of the children.

[2sunny]

She keeps calling me. Not answeing. I wonder what she's thinking.

 

Your W keeps calling? How is she calling with no cell phone?

[Jstub]

I'm admiring your strength and a firm boundary!!!

 

Stick with the plan - you're doing better than most!

 

Thank you 2sunny, I am surprised myself. I think the anger and hate I feel with her despicable action is what is giving me strength. When it was just an EA, I felt like not a lot of damage was done, that it could be repaired. The moment I verified that it got physical, when I look at her now, I feel nothing. Indifferent, it's as if I never loved her. I never thought she would do that to me. I have been betrayed in my life countless times, even by my own mother, she knew what kind of damage it would do to me and yet, she still did it and she went all the way. I just never expected it from a woman that knows EVERYTHING about me, my issues, my life, my childhood, my relationships. Knowing all that, she put me through this, is just unbelievable. I am not saying I did not make any mistakes in this marriage, I made plenty. She did not wake up one morning and decided to go cheat. It was in the making and I played a part in it. A relationship is 50-50 - she did bring to my attention about things that she is unhappy with, I tried to address them as best I could (or thought so) and she made it seem like everything was back on track, but now she says everything was not - I ASKED HER, WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME???? she said, I did not want to hurt you... I call that BS, excuses. I have made peace with the idea that this marriage did not work. My dream of having a perfect family went out the window, that's okay - not everything turns out the way you want it to. I want to learn from it, not for a next relationship, but to become a better person.

[Jstub]

Your W keeps calling? How is she calling with no cell phone?

 

Her friend was over today all day. I bet she will have a prepaid phone soon enough as well.

[2sunny]

Thank you 2sunny, I am surprised myself. I think the anger and hate I feel with her despicable action is what is giving me strength. When it was just an EA, I felt like not a lot of damage was done, that it could be repaired. The moment I verified that it got physical, when I look at her now, I feel nothing. Indifferent, it's as if I never loved her. I never thought she would do that to me. I have been betrayed in my life countless times, even by my own mother, she knew what kind of damage it would do to me and yet, she still did it and she went all the way. I just never expected it from a woman that knows EVERYTHING about me, my issues, my life, my childhood, my relationships. Knowing all that, she put me through this, is just unbelievable. I am not saying I did not make any mistakes in this marriage, I made plenty. She did not wake up one morning and decided to go cheat. It was in the making and I played a part in it. A relationship is 50-50 - she did bring to my attention about things that she is unhappy with, I tried to address them as best I could (or thought so) and she made it seem like everything was back on track, but now she says everything was not - I ASKED HER, WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME???? she said, I did not want to hurt you... I call that BS, excuses. I have made peace with the idea that this marriage did not work. My dream of having a perfect family went out the window, that's okay - not everything turns out the way you want it to. I want to learn from it, not for a next relationship, but to become a better person.

 

I get that - I really do. I divorced my H after knowing him 23 years. My whole adult life - and THAT was painful, at best. But when he cheated and don't feel bad about it - that is when I just stopped loving who I THOUGHT he was. He hurt me to the core.

 

I am a better woman now - I have found great ways to be and stay happy. Unfortunately I was so distraught by the shock of my life changes - I nearly drank myself to death! I haven't had anything altering in more than four years. Life is better this way! But I've had to DO so much work to find a way to be happy without my alcohol.

 

Now, your W IS altered - in a big way... And she isn't in her right mind.

 

If SHE can't admit there's a problem - there's NO starting point. IF she can admit it - then there is urgent steps that need to happen. Detox! Rehab...and some serious work for her to find a way to stay sober, clean and happy. This takes time EVEN IF someone is willing.

 

The mind needs time to come out of that "foggy state".

 

THe only who can set the ball rolling is her. She may get willing now that she realizes she's about to lose EVERYTHING! So, for that, you are doing good by giving her no choices left but to ask for help. IF she asks and agrees to get to detox AND follow through with a LONG term plan to stay clean - then be sure you have info ready to set that into motion.

 

Most people only admit it and go IF they are so miserable and have had all the comforts taken away from them. In other words - its good if they are so scared that they start to DO something different than just being a druggy everyday.

 

Stay strong - and do some research about detox places and rehab - just in case she gets willing to go.

[Jstub]

I get that - I really do. I divorced my H after knowing him 23 years. My whole adult life - and THAT was painful, at best. But when he cheated and don't feel bad about it - that is when I just stopped loving who I THOUGHT he was. He hurt me to the core.

 

I am a better woman now - I have found great ways to be and stay happy. Unfortunately I was so distraught by the shock of my life changes - I nearly drank myself to death! I haven't had anything altering in more than four years. Life is better this way! But I've had to DO so much work to find a way to be happy without my alcohol.

 

Now, your W IS altered - in a big way... And she isn't in her right mind.

 

If SHE can't admit there's a problem - there's NO starting point. IF she can admit it - then there is urgent steps that need to happen. Detox! Rehab...and some serious work for her to find a way to stay sober, clean and happy. This takes time EVEN IF someone is willing.

 

The mind needs time to come out of that "foggy state".

 

THe only who can set the ball rolling is her. She may get willing now that she realizes she's about to lose EVERYTHING! So, for that, you are doing good by giving her no choices left but to ask for help. IF she asks and agrees to get to detox AND follow through with a LONG term plan to stay clean - then be sure you have info ready to set that into motion.

 

Most people only admit it and go IF they are so miserable and have had all the comforts taken away from them. In other words - its good if they are so scared that they start to DO something different than just being a druggy everyday.

 

Stay strong - and do some research about detox places and rehab - just in case she gets willing to go.

 

2sunny I am truly touched with your story. I admire your courage for doing what you did. How horrible it is for someone who you loved so much cheats on you AND not feel bad about it. That's just unbelievable and just cruel. Exactly how you said, not the person who you thought. As for becoming alcoholic, I understand that too and I admire you even more for stopping to be one. I see now you are happy and you are such an asset to everyone here and I bet you are the same kind and loving person in your "real" life.

 

Coming to my W. I am torn sometimes. I see her looking like she's about to pass out, I see her face swollen from the pills. I see how weak she is. I see it in her eyes that she knows she has done something terrible. However, I still know she justifies it in her head. She does not want to admit to herself. She finds excuses as to why she did what she did. She also tried to always point out that she hopes we will be okay. I tell her, I don't want you back, even if you said oh I made a huge mistake. But I wonder, do I really mean that? Would I give us a second chance IF she admitted her drug problem and took CONCRETE steps towards becoming clean. IF she really regretted her actions and IF she showed me with her actions that she really wants to be with me. Would I want her back? Should I want her back? I wonder...

 

This does not mean that I will stop the device proceedings or any of my actions. I will not wait for a WHAT IF. I am moving on.

Edited March 25, 2012 by Jstub

[Jstub]

That's a "what if" that you can worry about later as she hasn't attempted to do any of that...yet.

 

My stbxh is an alcoholic. He went through relapses and I would try to work with him when he said he wanted to do better. I learned though that it was more of him saying the right things to get back in, and then not following through.

 

I believe it is too far gone for us now, but I do know that nothing short of him completing rehab, getting counseling, and walking the walk long enough to show me his true sincerity would even slightly persuade me to reconsider my decision to divorce.

 

Basically what I'm saying is that if you work with her based on words only, before she actually takes action, you're giving her a lot of leeway to not follow through. With something this serious, remember that you need definitive action before you will consider changing paths, or even slowing down for that matter. Don't put the cart before the horse...which I'm afraid you may be doing since you're contemplating the what ifs. Take it one day at a time and see what transpires.

 

At this point the what ifs are just what ifs. Just thoughts. I am not going to slow down 1 bit. I want to shock her and I want her to see what her own actions did to her. I just want her to wake up. I don't think we will be together, but I still want her to be better, to be clean, to learn from her mistakes and ultimately be there for our children. I know my feelings of hate / indifference will calm down with time and I know I will have to deal with her for a long time, and I think I would prefer to be dealing with the person I used to know and not this new person that I don't think I even know.

[Jstub]

I woke up today and my soon to be ex was in my bed. No no, I didn't get drunk last night and did something I don't remember, she must have just sneaked in there in the middle of the night. I was thinking to myself, that's just weird, she hasn't been in this bed for a long time. I remember the nights when I used to go to bed and wish that she was there, but now that she was actually there, I just wanted to kick her out - however, my baby girl was sleeping next to me, so I didn't want to make noise by kicking her out. It's a king size bed, so she wasn't close to me or anything.

 

When I was getting ready to leave to work, she asked me, how did it feel to have me in your bed. I answered "disgusting". ugh, that was harsh. oh well...

[2sunny]

Now she's just trying to manipulate and control you back to your old position.

[Jstub]

I finally told my manager that I am going through divorce. He knows my wife and kids and he was at my son's birthday party, when we were the perfect happy family (Now I know she was faking it and planning her weekend with OM). He was shocked and said he is sorry to hear that and he didn't have a clue. He said he is there for me and that I shouldn't stop going golfing with him It feels embarrassing to admit to someone that your marriage didn't work out, but I will get over that feeling. Nothing to be ashamed of.

[volkl1996]

Jstub, a word of caution, and I am not an attorney nor do I know this for a fact.

 

I heard a story on NPR recently where divorce attorneys are getting very clever with "electronic data". Like phones, texts especially, emails, and other means. This is now all discoverable information. You posting on this site may be discoverable too. I don't know, just putting it out there.

[Jstub]

Jstub, a word of caution, and I am not an attorney nor do I know this for a fact.

 

I heard a story on NPR recently where divorce attorneys are getting very clever with "electronic data". Like phones, texts especially, emails, and other means. This is now all discoverable information. You posting on this site may be discoverable too. I don't know, just putting it out there.

 

Something to think about. Thanks.