Am I an abuser?

[babydoll]

Im a first time poster here, and my life is in shambles. Breifly describe the last 2 years hell. 3 years ago I had an affair with a married man, his wife, my best friend. It had really started a year before that, I was away, and we emailed and chatted everyday to where he said I love you. Anyhow, we continued til he got caught, and even though he said he loved me , many times a day, we have had no contact for 2 years. So along comes a single guy, I had worked with him in the past so we were already friends. Things moved pretty quickly, after 4 months of dating he moved in with me. During that time he was diagnosed with an incurable disease. And although this disease make him tempermental, and I have a slight chance of getting it, Ive stuck by him.

 

Now here is the problem. Right now, im full of black and blue bruses. From him, NO, from me attacking him violently. He is only 150 lb and does he can to keep my punches away. When I get mad, he cant stop me. I think im violently insane. He has never hit me, just threw me off him to get away. This anger doesnt happen all the time but with the time ive been with him, it must of happened at least 10 times anyway. It almost always has to do with my insecurity. Im so afraid he will screw around on me. I know how easy it is to do, how easy it is to be blinded by someone you love. My thoughts of him fooling around or lying are totally delusional, I know that. But knowing that doesnt stop my mind from turning thoughts over and over. I really care for this guy. I know he is trying hard to keep our relationship from falling apart, but all I can do is try to find a motive behind his every action.

Am I an abuser? Am I totally insane? Please help

[pocoestrella]

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Without question, yes you're an abusive person...

 

The problem I'm having with your post is this... you ALREADY know you're abusive, and you already know what you're doing isn't right... but you still haven't found any resolutions to stop your behaviour.

 

You seem to have a lot of self esteem issues here... you live in fear of him cheating on you or leaving you... yet you do things that would make anyone want to leave you or find someone else who didn't hit them and treat them badly... this is just destructive behaviour.

 

I would strongly advice you to seek help... get some counseling and find out where all of this anger comes from and how to control yourself... this can't be making anyone happy.

 

Good Luck

[babydoll]

Thanks,

 

Your right, I do understand that my behavior is unexceptable. I have been to counselling, to deal with my anger issues but that topics always go back to the married man. That is a dead end. I sometimes believe that i deserve to be unhappy, for what I did to my best friend, sometimes I dont even think about her, just about the love I lost from her husband. It seems unreasonable to make my bf suffer for what I have suffered in the past, but I cant stop my mine from thinking of the karma, it will come back to me threefold, I just want to be ready

[supermom]

Originally posted by babydoll

Thanks,

 

Your right, I do understand that my behavior is unexceptable. I have been to counselling, to deal with my anger issues but that topics always go back to the married man. That is a dead end. I sometimes believe that i deserve to be unhappy, for what I did to my best friend, sometimes I dont even think about her, just about the love I lost from her husband. It seems unreasonable to make my bf suffer for what I have suffered in the past, but I cant stop my mine from thinking of the karma, it will come back to me threefold, I just want to be ready

 

 

If you are expecting Karma to come back at you, then you need to accept it. What about the Karma from abusing your bf?

 

Do not take out your anger on him, because should it continue, he may get sick of it and leave or cheat. It's like if you continue to accuse him of cheating, he may just do it someday. Confidence is more of a turn on.

 

Go to counseling, try counting to 10 or leaving the room when you feel the anger. This must stop!!

 

Good luck

[babydoll]

I will be going back to counselling. Ive tried counting to ten, I tried deep breathing, and I have tried the shrinks theory of running cold water under my wrists. My mother says i must get it from my father, he was abusive to her apparently although i never seen anything.

 

There is one thing that is very clear, which i dont know if it rules out mental illness or indicates it, I am aware of what im doing, yet i have no control it seems. Sometimes I analize myself, as if i were a shink treating myself, apparently it isnt working

 

I dont want to be like this, I really dont. 3 years ago I was the happiest, goofiest, outgoing person probably in the world. From that ive become withdrawn, unhappy, with suicidal thoughts, judgemental, and just tired. I do nothing, am totally unsocial, and im hit with frequent bouts of crying for no obvious reason. And even as i say that all I really want is to be my happy self again which seems lost.

[miz_barby]

This may be totally off! But you mentioned him having an incurable disease that you have a small chance of getting...could any of your anger be coming from this?

It is good you reconize that you're doing something wrong, my best friend was the same way, she slept with a lot of female friend's husbands or bf's she beats on her bf's and takes them for what they're worth (financially) and uses and abuses them in every way possible but the difference is she doesn't see anything wrong in her behavior! She actually thinks THEY are doing something wrong!!!!

Anyway you're not alone in this but and therapy sometimes doesn't work for everyone! I hope that you do find something to get better because even though it just started while you were with him it would most likely continue no matter who you're with. If he is ill why would you beat on him? That's just cruel! No matter what obviously you know what you're doing is coming from something stemming from within. I doubt it has much to do with losing your ex Married Man! Maybe you think since you slept with a MM who was cheating on his wife so carelessly and with no remorse that everyone else is the same way and will eventually cheat!

[babydoll]

Thanks again,

 

When my bf was first diagnosed , neither of us knew anything about it. I was certain I must have it(after 2 tests im negative)But i never even second guess whether I would stay with him. It wasnt even a consideration. How could I have run off on him, he would hold me while I cried over the married man, he was supportive in every way.

 

Now dont get me wrong he is no saint, but certainly he doesnt deserve to get pushed around by me.

 

And I am not like your friend though, I dont use people, just happen to fall in love with a married man. I know that is the main reason for my change in behavior, Now why am I taking it out on my boyfriend, I have no idea. Its sad really, he is 39, im the first women he had a real relationship with, first time he lived with a woman, a whole lot of firsts for him, and here I am an abusive jealous woman. I really want to be me again

[miz_barby]

Okay I didn't mean to imply you were using guys......

Don't you feel bad about having betrayed your best friend? I haven't heard you say anything about feeling bad for breaking her heart! Why would you ever pursue someone who was not only with but actually Married to your suppossed best friend?

Then to top it off you are bitter because you lost him....HELLO he wasn't yours he was only sleeping with you while living with someone else!

 

Okay I'll quit being harsh! I hope things get better for you and hopefully you'll learn how to control yourself and not lash out at other people for the mistakes and pathetic choices you made that probably hurt alot of people, continuing to hurt people because of it will only make your life (and his) more miserable!

[babydoll]

I agree miz. I know that I have made bad choices. I have paid them somewhat, both my best friend and her husband have been friends since we were 12 years old, im 29 now. In a very close net circle of friends, I have lost everything. All i have is my family now. I am very sorry for hurting her. With every I love you I heard him say, I disassociated myself from her more and more. Just before he got caught, we were spending everyday together, we worked together, we had suppers together, me him and our kids combined. To the point were his daughter was practically living with me. Even after he got caught, I went camping for a week to give him time, pulled in to get my mail and his daughter flaged me down and begged to come home with me. I agree totally affairs are wrong, what I did was wrong, but unless you find yourself in it you have no way of understanding. I had no intention of having an affair, we were really good friends for a long time, hell i could have married him instead of her, but at 14 I wasnt ready for a relationship, I was a drunk. We just started emailing each other while I was away, and just got closer and closer. I guess we needed each other for a time, I dont know. But eventually I moved back home to be close to him. The first day I got back he had a ring for me. He made me feel special. Eventually , his wife didnt even exist anymore. Gee he would stop in at midnight , to give me a goodnight kiss, or just to say I love you, or drop off a big mac. whatever he did do me I couldnt stop it. Sorry to go on a bit about that but I must stress that im not a heartless bitch.

 

Im trying very hard to get on with my life, trying very hard to find myself happy, energetic, find that happy world I once thought only existed, get myself out of my isolation, and live once again happily. Im trying hard to share my life with my bf, I dont know how not to be insecure anymore, I dont know how to reach out and touch him,but not hard. I feel like I have to prove that im a tough woman and that I dont need anyman . Thing is I do want him, and I dont know much how to be nice as much anymore.

 

Thanks again

Babydoll

[miz_barby]

Wow sounds like you did fall hard for your ex MM and it sounds like he fell for you but what I don't understand is why he didn't end it with his wife and just make a life with you.

 

But none the less you can't change what happened and it's good that you want to share your life with your new bf! He sounds like a loving guy who's trying to make your relationship work *by putting up with the stuff* and I'm sure if you just try you will be able to turn the way you act around and you'll be able to love him as much as he *probably most likely* loves you! If you don't let him get close to you emotionally and make you happy how do you think you're ever going to over your ex MM and come into a happy full filling relationship! No matter what choices you made in your past you still deserve to be happy since it is no longer at the expense of someone else's happiness! Learning to trust again will probably be long and hard but none the less it will be worth it! I hope seriously that if it gets to the point of you getting so angry you want to hit your new bf that you walk away and try and figure out what it is that's making you so mad....slowly but surely I'm sure you'll get happier! Keep posting, talking about it always helps!

[babydoll]

Thanks again miz,

 

I really dont know how or why I get so angry with my bf. I know it is not his fault for what I have endured in the past. I do think that i wasnt ready for another relationship at the time we got together. In fact, I only figured we hang out together. But see me , i one of those motherly type women that feel like I need to take care of people when in need, And i felt that he needed me, i still do. I guess I tend to get angry when he uses his independence and doesnt need me. And then there is a double standard. Im not allowed to get jealous at all, him he get jealous over everything. Just today I got the third degree for dressing up a little(no make up, just tight pants and a t-shirt, I usually just wear grubs that hang off me) Plus he is a baby when he doesnt get his own way, like i have to see things his way because that is the only way. Still I realize that is no reason to get slap happy on him. I think though as far as disagrements go, our major problems would be our generation gap(10 years) and we really grew up in different worlds. He grew up thinking the world is bad, I on the other hand think the world is a beautiful place and if you share a smile it will make everyone around you smile. Gee maybe we need some marriage counselling or something. But I know that in a month he may very well change, he is on some heavy duty treatment, his nurse informed us at the beginning the he will be moody, very irretable. So i am trying very hard to keep the peace, even though I do have them occasions where I lash out.

 

As far as the married man goes. The last time i talked to him,(2 years ago) a week after he got caught, I asked him what I was to him, he just replied, you are my girlfriend, but I need to be with my kids. Now I will tell you, that last time I seen him, after he said that, after I seen he get out of there bed, I was a complete wreck. He had left me on a string for a week, never heard a word from him. I did freak out and I did hit him, big mistake, I left crying yelling that he will screw around again but it wont be with me. Which I totally, to this day believe that he will do. Why, because he is lacking something in his marriage. I knew them both, heard both sides right, I know that he will again at some point reach out to somene other then his Wife. Which I feel very sorry for her that way. I told her that I wasnt the first person he folled around with, not to get at her but I had been holding a secret for so long that I felt she finally needed to know the truth. When she found out , she posted at a site I went to for people in affairs, and said that she didnt want him but she be damned if she was gonna let me have him.

 

So them, I stll see them around town occasionally together, they never look happy. But they are still together. I often hope that if I cant be with him, then I hope that somehow they were able to find what was missing in there life and live happily ever after. Sounds weird I know, but after something like that I sure the communication level rose.

 

Hmm , I went on again. I probably should be posting all that here . I got so many issues it hard to keep track. But one thing for sure, I am here because I do want to better myself. I want to get on with my life. I no longer want to hang on to the past, just advance into the future, just not sure how to do it.

 

Babydoll

[miz_barby]

I can completely relate to the whole Jealousy double standard. I used to be a jealous person by nature (mainly because I didn't feel worthy of the person I was with and I figured if I didn't feel worthy he would surely feel I was unworthy and would look else where for someone else) so I became jealous, cold, and sometimes bitchy. Anyway now I'm with someone who gets jealous if I'm online when he's at work *which I admit I am online now hahaha all I do is post on here or play literati* and he gets jealous if I don't answer the phone on the first couple of rings, he always thinks I'm looking at someone else or thinking of someone else and now recently he has started accusing me of cheating on him though I am with him 100% of the time except when he's at work and then I am either home or with my Mom and older sister. He doesn't see any reason for me to be jealous (and I'm usually not unless he gives me reason to be but since we are always together I know he's not got time to cheat and never acts disinterested in me). I too have given him NO reason to believe I'm cheating or would ever cheat on him....I really wouldn't because I love him a whole lot and would rather end the relationship if it gets to a point I'm no longer interested as oppossed to cheating on him!

 

Anyway you mentioned when he uses his independence it bothers you, could it be that you're afraid if he no longer "needs" you that you may lose him? Obviously you love him too or else you wouldn't feel this way!

[babydoll]

You got it right on, yes I feel he has his independence i will lose him. I mean here is a man, single really for his whole life(my shink says that he must think im someone special if he choose to have a relationship with me) Obvisously he doesnt really need to be with a woman. And what if he meet someone better then me. Sometimes I just want him to listen to my fears without telling me its wrong for feeling the way I do. Fear is a real feeling, and I need some understanding too. Lord know I do everything to keep his mind secure. Like you, what ever I am doing on the computer he thinks I must be talking to someone. Maybe im bitter because I have given to much of myself up for him. Maybe thats why I lass out at him. My family thinks he brings me down, because im not my cheerful self. But they dont understand that after the married man, I actually had my aunt move in with me for 3 weeks because I couldnt even take care of my kids, I was a complete mess. From there I went right to drinking heavily, thats when I met up with my boyfriend. So i guess I could say I never got to fully grieve my loss, and because I havent got back to myself they automatically think its because of him.

 

"J" all he does is bring you down, "J" he smokes way to much MJ, "j" hes gonna be dead in 10 years anyway. Then they go to him and say"J " would go back to married man in a heartbeat, "j" is crazy. So really I have no support at all in anything. Sometimes I would like someone to listen with being judgemental. **** when I listen to people I may give my oppionion but I dont believe that that is the only one, hell I have different oppionions about an exact subject, I try to see all sides(maybe thats another sign that i could be mental) I just dont know, but miz, thank eh(canadian) It feel so good to get this off my chest.

 

Babydoll

[miz_barby]

I highly doubt because you try and see all sides of a situation makes you mental if anything it makes you a wiser more cautious and open minded person. If you don't try and see all sides and you think only one opinion is correct then I would believe that would make someone dillusional and closed minded (my opinion of course).

 

Do you mind if I ask what is his illness? You don't have to answer I'm just curious...gives more insight to your situation. Sorry to hear you don't have much support, well at least you've found this site even if it sounds cheesy that's what this place is for to get opinions and support!

 

I have a feeling when he says that you are wrong for feeling the way you do he is just trying to tell you that he loves you and what you're fearing won't happen because he WANTS to be with you, more than needs to but he wants to! I think after the first couple of times of you hitting him if he didn't love and really WANt to be with you he would have bolted but instead he stuck with ya and sounds like he is still trying! Hang in there I bet it will get better! And it's good to get things off your chest!

[babydoll]

I tried to Pm you miz but could not. Anyway, I guess I want to educate people on his condition. I done alot of research and studing. BF has hepatitis C. He is currently on treatment. 24 weeks of 5 pills daily and an injection every week. Tonight I will give him his 18th shot, woohoo, only 6 more to go. The treatment has tons of side affects, somewhere along the lines of chemotherapy. It affects people differently. Some get really sick, some dont. BF was lucky his side affects have been pretty minimal with the exception of the irritablity, he angers very easily, but he doesnt hit like i do. I have been tested twice, maybe three times, all negative. There is less then a 5% chance of my getting it through sexual contact, slightly higher for household contact. The percentage rises the longer you are with an affected person. Generally it is blood to blood transmission. Hell Ive cleaned up a pile of his blood on a few occasions, been tested and cleared. Although im getting antsy again being ive been so tired lately. There is no cure, just treatment to clear the virus, and there is no garantee you will, and there is yet to be any information as to how long the virus will remained in remission. That i have tried to get from doctors, nurses, everyone, I like to know what percentage of people stay in remission for 1 year, 5 years, 10. Some people have to be on treatment for 48 weeks, I personally would like to know if i was gonna put myself through hell during a long treatment only to come out worse than before starting. Not to mention the cost is 1500 every 2 weeks, quite expensive if you not sure if it will work on you or not.

 

Thats just a some up. I do understand, or at least try to understand what he is going through. I certainly couldnt be bias about it, it could be me doing treatment in a couple years. But I do wish he would just for a moment think about my feelings. Im pretty independent, and when I have to bit my tongue, keep oppinion to myself because I know he will go on for 2 hours telling my why my oppinion is wrong, and I know it will end up in a fight. Usually after he has some time he will apologize and be more cooperative with me, but you know, alot of things can be said in that time and that definatly causes tension. So I try to be patient, until I can no longer hold it in and then , well, it all comes.

 

Babydoll

[miz_barby]

My email that I signed up with here ended up getting hacked into so I don't use it anymore, I closed that account so I don't think this system will send PM's through. Wow sounds like treatment is really a lot of HELL!! Scary to know that some people come out worse than before but hopefully since he hasn't been having those problems as bad as some others with the side affects hopefully he'll come out a lot better than before! I'm so sorry to hear that either of you have to go through this problem and I seriously hope and Pray that all goes well and gets better for you two!

 

I can see how something like this would take a toll on everyone's nerves and cause a lot of stress! You are a good person for sticking by his side even knowing that the small chance that you could get it from household contact! None the less it shows that you love him unconditionally as well!

 

Since you know that you love him and know that the treatment causes him to get irritated maybe when he gets in one of his moods instead of trying to rationalize with him maybe you should get up and walk away and go into another room, I always tell my BF Oscar when he acts like a jack ass and starts his jealousy rants for no reason that I'm not gonna listen because no matter what I say or what I do nothing will convince him that he's wrong and that I'm doing or have done nothing wrong in the form of cheating, thinking of cheating, or looking at other guys! If he doesn't stop I get up and go into another room and leave him ranting until he realizes how silly he looks talking to himself and he ends up stopping and I give him a few to "calm down" or get his head cleared of that illusion he has then I come back and we usually end up laughing at how stupid all of that was!

 

How was your weekend?