never thought I'd end up here

[U472439]

...At this forum, talking about my life. Never thought I would be an "OM", and certainly never thought I could be okay with helping someone cheat on their spouse.

 

And yet, here I am. I'm seeing her tonight. She told her husband what was going on last night. My heart is racing. I don't even know what I *want* to happen. I feel like half of me is in love with her, and half of me wants to run the hell away.

 

I've read a lot of advice columns on this subject over the last 6 months or so, and they all pretty much tell me what I figured they would. And about half of it I don't really want to hear (especially during the times I actually get to see her).

 

I know, I know. I've looked through a few threads here, and am sure this is all "par for the course". And I feel like a major jerk now. What's going to happen when I see this guy next? Why weren't all the advice columns and surprisingly non-judgmental advice from friends enough to stop me from doing this? Why am I excited to see her again tonight? How could I honestly envision a future with this person...who I love...who cheated on her husband to be with me? Is it common for an OM/OW to realize they'd in no way be okay with their spouse to cheat on *them*? Because I know I wouldn't. But then what could I really say if they did?

 

Not even sure why I'm posting, or what I expect to hear back. I guess I'm glad this forum exists.

 

-U

[Jstub]

As a person who's wife had OM I kind of don't feel sympathy for you. BUT, i will try to answer you. In most cases, these things don't last. It's not that simple... once the initial stage of love fades away and real life kicks in, she will probably not want you anymore. She is just using you for a need she has right now. You will probably get hurt at the end.

 

or...... hey.. if it's the love of a lifetime story, you may live happily ever after.

[Emme]

I don't even know what I *want* to happen. I feel like half of me is in love with her, and half of me wants to run the hell away.

 

Pure honesty. It is the perfect place to start. You are now faced with reality. It's time for you to answer the questions you stated. It's not going to be easy but it's something you have to do. What are your expectations. The time has come.

 

Write it out so you can see things for what they are. Ask and answer the questions that you need to help your sanity.

 

What's going to happen when I see this guy next?

 

Why weren't all the advice columns and surprisingly non-judgmental advice from friends enough to stop me from doing this?

 

Why am I excited to see her again tonight?

 

How could I honestly envision a future with this person...who I love...who cheated on her husband to be with me?

 

Is it common for an OM/OW to realize they'd in no way be okay with their spouse to cheat on *them*? Because I know I wouldn't. But then what could I really say if they did?

 

 

We are here to support you. Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

Do you know her husband?

 

I would prepare yourself for 'the talk' which means she's going to end things with you and tell you she needs to fix her marriage, and that you two can't talk or see eachother anymore.

[mercy]

Is it common for an OM/OW to realize they'd in no way be okay with their spouse to cheat on *them*? Because I know I wouldn't.

 

Of course you wouldn't. And her h should feel the exact same way as you. Right? It would solve all your problems, if you want her. Right? He should just toss her out because that's what you would do. Right?

 

I've never understood that logic. Please explain.

[FightClub]

U472439,

 

I'm a fOM here and ironically my first thread was titled almost exactly like yours. Can you give us some more detail on your affair, the length, how it started, where are you in life currently, age range, etc.

 

Fleshing out your story will help everyone understand and provide you with more in-depth insight.

 

-FC

[U472439]

Sure FC. We met last summer, at a party at a mutual friend's house. I was immediately into her, and didn't know she was married then. after that, we started talking over facebook, occasionally emailing. She did tell me was married, and there was low level flirting happening, but nothing more.

 

But, we started messaging almost everyday. The flirting became more overt, and at some point, we admitted we "liked" each other. I wouldn't see her that much, because we live in different cities, but not so far apart that I wouldn't still sometimes see her at concerts or parties. (Usually with her husband).

 

I actually cut off contact with her once, because I was getting frustrated at only being able to flirt, and have it go nowhere. A week after that, she showed up unannounced to a concert I was playing, and I was really happy to see her. We talked a little bit, I kissed her hand, and she left. The next day she came back (again unplanned) to a bar I was at, we talked, she drove me home, and we made out. We had sex maybe a week later. That was about 8 months ago, and the rest is pretty much history.

 

I've tried to cut this off 2-3 times since then, never successfully. After New Year's, I thought I'd done it for good, and we didn't see each other for a 2-3 weeks. But I start to miss her, or she'll send me an email, and we get back going again. The last time I saw her was last night, when she came to my house. She might come back again today (as she's not staying in the house w/her husband now, crashing with a girl friend).

 

I've never done anything like this, and feel all kinds of conflicted, as I'd written earlier. I know I have to seriously examine the questions I have, but at the same time, I wonder if this is ever going to stop unless one of us either moves away, or commits to each other. Clearly, I don't have the willpower to do this yet. Ugh.

[U472439]

she and her husband are trying to work things out, which I can understand. I miss her already. I was an idiot, and I fell for her. Live and learn? I hope so. I drunk texted her last night at about 2am (don't even remember doing it, read it on my phone this morning), and rather than feel worse, it actually made me laugh. It's hard for me to think of the affair as a bad thing, even when I know it was. I think I read (here, possibly) that it's easy to mix up drama with real emotion. I feel really sad if I think that what we had was just a momentary, circumstancial fling..where we both used each other for different reasons. Maybe it was, I don't know. I know I love her, and if I see her again in a year, 10 years, 20 years, whatever, I have a feeling I'm going to smile and still want to kiss her. Uggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I sincerely apologize if my story offends anyone who has been the victim of a wayward spouse. I know it wasn't a morally responsible thing I did, and I would NEVER advise anyone else to do it--- especially given how I feel now.

[RickFox]

Do you know her husband?

 

I would prepare yourself for 'the talk' which means she's going to end things with you and tell you she needs to fix her marriage, and that you two can't talk or see eachother anymore.

 

This is it right here buddy!! Heed these words, it's coming, could be days, weeks or months, maybe years but it's gonna happen like this. Her loyalty lies with her H, not you, no matter what she says.

 

Just prepare yourslf for a hurt like no other and seek no sympathy, you won't even get it from yourself.

[U472439]

yes, I think that's essentially what has happened, tho she didn't exactly say "we can never see each other anymore." More like, "I can't be in contact with you right now because I need to work this out for myself."

 

...but, I am taking this as the end. I deleted her contact info from my phone, and all the texts. She defriended me on fb (but not before going systematically thru her husbands posts and "liking" them), various music sites she followed me on, etc. Yes, I am sad. And yes, I don't really deserve any sympathy, but thanks for letting me know not to seek it! It's funny how this thread really did nail what was about to happen -- I am curious how "do you know her husband?" would obv lead to "prepare for the talk". If I didn't know him, you think this would have been prolonged?

 

It's also hard for me because it's not like either of us would have stopped this had he not found out and got her to confess to it. I mean, we were together the night before "the talk"! She would talk about not wanting to tell him, despite her therapist (and even me) saying she should. It's bittersweet at best, because deep down, I guess I always knew it was a pretty doomed relationship. Like planting a flower that will never really grow (pardon my melodrama). And I also knew it would be a long time before she could actually give me what I need in a relationship....and even then, only after working whatever she has to work on by herself.

 

I spent yesterday trying to stay busy and not think about it. It actually worked for a while, before I got sentimental, lonely at night. At least I can't drunk text her anymore.

 

thanks everyone for listening

[U472439]

A day later, another post. My emotions are all over the place, seem to come from a different angle each day post-DDay. Now I just feel angry, used, bitter, resentful, still heartbroken. I've read a *lot* of other threads here since yesterday, and it's just so discouraging to see so many stories similar to mine, from both men and women, and people going through the exact same reactions and feelings. And further discouraging to think of all the time I spent with my xMW, how even when I told myself it was wrong, and that we didn't have a real relationship, I kept going back, pushing myself even. And now, it seems *she's* the one who gave me the NC decree, which is also kind of humiliating.

 

And worse (or better, I guess) is that after reading so many threads, I feel like I know that I just have to keep not contacting her, and hope she doesn't contact me. Knowing that she's probably missing me to some extent doesn't really help, because I still have facebook, and I can still see when she responds to her husband's posts. Why can I see? Because just seconds ago, I was foolish enough to go look at her profile page. To put it mildly, I wish I hadn't done that.

 

I just feel like I have been living a burning, twisted lie for the last many months. I have been sinking myself, and giving off who knows what bad karma. And for what? Where am I now? I am posting on an anonymous message board because I can't really talk to anyone in my own life about this stuff. And yes, I am even more grateful this place is here now than I was when I found it.

 

I have yet to really totally break down -- which frankly, worries me. I've cried a couple of times, but pulled myself together. Tried to stay busy. I carry a bad feeling inside, like people don't like me, like they know I did something wrong -- but (except my best friend) they don't. I hate that feeling. It's not exactly guilt, but is a kind of shame, paranoia, feeling that I committed a crime, if not against the H, then against myself and goodwill in general.

 

Sigh. Last night went to a show, tried to chat with a few girls. Kind of funny, because I'm *so* out of practice. I do take some solace in trying. Thank you again LS for being here now.

[U472439]

A week later, and things don't seem as emotionally intense. I still think about her and the A, though I have to admit, having read some of the threads here over the past week, my thoughts invariably turn to "what will it be like when she tries to get in touch with me in 6 months or a year?" Rather, IF she tries to get in touch w/me, as I have no idea what she's up to now, or the state of her M. Today, I imagined what it would be like if she appeared right in front of me, right now. Anyone reading might be happy to know that my first thought was "she's kind of mousey".

 

Every day isn't dread, and every night isn't spent missing her. I'm a little under the weather, and almost *happy* to be distracted by feeling sick. And it's weird, I've actually been productive the last week, getting things done I'd put off for a while, and even starting some new projects. I was walking outside about an hour ago, having done some errands, and I thought "do you miss her?" And the answer is....not exactly. I guess I miss the feeling of being wanted, but I thought about whatever she's going thru w/her H and trying to piece together back their M, and was relieved not to be a part of it.

 

Anyway, further thanks to LS for being here, even if I don't get face to face feedback, or much more than venting in this thread. I've really learned a lot here!

[U472439]

....so, H has listed himself as "maybe" coming to my next show, on Monday. I find it hard to believe he'd actually show up, but if he did....what should I expect?

 

My friend said he could be "reaching out". Really?

[KeepMeInMind]

....so, H has listed himself as "maybe" coming to my next show, on Monday. I find it hard to believe he'd actually show up, but if he did....what should I expect?

 

My friend said he could be "reaching out". Really?

 

 

That is odd. That is not something I would even consider doing unless there was a reason I wanted to speak to you.

 

And I'm happy that after a week for you, you say things don't feel as emotionally intense. There's your answer, for sure, as to what part this person plays in your life and in your heart.

[Hiddenite]

A few points that I want to make with you.

 

First off, stop feeling bad and stop apologizing. She broke her vows, not you. So drop the guilt.

 

And it doesn't feel as emotionally intense because it was half of a relationship, and you only got a third of her. Not criticizing, just how these affairs work.

 

I am a little concerned about the husband coming to your concert.Do you know him? have you met?

 

if you haven't, he may just want to see who you are. If you have, he probably has questions for you.

[Barrsitter]

U4...just a few pointers.

 

First of all, it seems that what you (like most normal people) want, is a partner who will love and cherish you, want to be with you and you alone, dedicate their life to you etc..

 

Believing in karma and soul-connections, there was a reason this particular woman came into your life. She had something to teach you or there was something you needed to teach yourself. Perhaps it was merely that you are a lovely soul who desires to be attached to another lovely soul. Hold out for that soul who is searching for you and who is truly free and available to full attach to you.

 

Your experience has shown you that this is what you want and you are ready for it. So...just wait for that available woman. She's out there. It's likely not your xMW, but then again, it might be. Who's to say? In the meantime, please forgive yourself and drop the self-judgment. That keeps you stuck in a bad place and keep the door to your heart closed to that special woman who is searching for you.

 

Forgive your xMW. Most importantly, forgive yourself now. Smile a lot. Be thankful for your life, your wonderful occupation, your friends, your food, your housing, your family, etc., etc. Wake up each day with a sense of wonderment and anticipation of what the day may bring. Send your xMW love and blessings and good vibes. Please don't hate her or think bad thoughts about her. That will only hurt you in the end. Like picking up a hot coal to throw it at someone - you're the one with the burnt hand.

 

A wise soul on LS...Fight Club...wrote to me that "in the silence of NC (no contact)" we learn things. Don't hate the silence. You are a musician. See if you can use this experience to deepen your song-writing skills. For centuries, angst and pain has fostered the greatest poems, songs and stories.

 

Be kind to yourself and send out loving, positive vibes to the world and some day when you least expect it....your Angel will suddenly appear in front of you, beckoning you. Than Angel may be your xMW or it may be some other woman. Either way, you'll be ready.

 

Love and peace to you. B

Edited April 1, 2012 by Barrsitter

[U472439]

well, he's gone from maybe to "yes" to showing up at my show. I feel like if he has something to say to me, my show isn't the place to do it. Yes, I have met him, and he is also a musician -- so I'm thinking he's well aware of this.

 

So, any last advice for tonight? I suppose this is what I get for entering in the A in the first place...but right or wrong, my pride is bracing me for a war. I don't want his wife, at least not anymore. On the other hand, I'm not going to let this guy try to intimidate me.

[Barrsitter]

Can you have security at the show? If not, can you hire a secuity agent? i mean, who knos what this guy might do...

[U472439]

dunno? I mean, the place is going to be crawling w/my friends -- there's a good chance he might not even know anyone there, so I'm not really worried he'd try something. But then, I *am* a little worried I'll see him, and just snap on principle due to him showing up at all. Worse yet, if he tried anything during my set...god, see folks this is why you don't have A's.

[Owl]

I'd be VERY cautious at this point. He may show up just wanting to talk to you. He may show up wanting to call you out/humiliate you publicly. He may plan on showing up and wait for you in the parking lot.

 

You're right...this is why people shouldn't have affairs.

 

I suggest you plan on having several friends by your side throughout the night, even on your way home after the concert.

 

If he wants to sit and "talk"...do so publicly, and be willing to be honest and answer his questions...or tell him no and see my previous comment about keeping your friends close.

 

And I'd caution you...I seriously considered meeting up with my wife's OM during her EA. He had the same mindset as you...didn't want to be intimidated by me. My wife was truly scared for his life...she knew me, and knew that if I actually decided to go, it wouldn't have been to intimidate him nor to pick a fight. That's my concern for you...that he be that emotionally devestated and that he try something permanent as a result.

 

I mean no offense with this post...just trying to help you see all angles.

 

Don't go anywhere in the area without backup tonight. Talk with him if he seems rational, but only if you can do so safely. You might be able to resolve the whole thing with a simple, polite conversation. Or you may have to have him arrested...no way to know yet.

Edited April 2, 2012 by Owl

[U472439]

thanks man. I also considered breaking NC and asking his wife why he was coming to the show...but then I don't actually want to break NC, and for all I know she doesn't even know he's doing this. (perhaps foolish me, I actually believe she'd break NC to me if she knew he was coming to kill me or something)

[U472439]

he didn't show

[KeepMeInMind]

Maybe that was his intention all along, just to rattle you.

[nofool4u]

...At this forum, talking about my life. Never thought I would be an "OM", and certainly never thought I could be okay with helping someone cheat on their spouse.

 

And yet, here I am. I'm seeing her tonight. She told her husband what was going on last night. My heart is racing. I don't even know what I *want* to happen. I feel like half of me is in love with her, and half of me wants to run the hell away.

 

I've read a lot of advice columns on this subject over the last 6 months or so, and they all pretty much tell me what I figured they would. And about half of it I don't really want to hear (especially during the times I actually get to see her).

 

I know, I know. I've looked through a few threads here, and am sure this is all "par for the course". And I feel like a major jerk now. What's going to happen when I see this guy next? Why weren't all the advice columns and surprisingly non-judgmental advice from friends enough to stop me from doing this? Why am I excited to see her again tonight? How could I honestly envision a future with this person...who I love...who cheated on her husband to be with me? Is it common for an OM/OW to realize they'd in no way be okay with their spouse to cheat on *them*? Because I know I wouldn't. But then what could I really say if they did?

 

Not even sure why I'm posting, or what I expect to hear back. I guess I'm glad this forum exists.

 

-U

 

Just remember, if she'll cheat with you, she'll cheat on you. You are getting a cheating S. Good luck with that.