Should I question things already or see how things go?

[jmm]

I met someone from online in person who lives about 3 hours away.

 

We both seem to like each other and have been in contact everyday now whether it's through text or phone conversations. He already said he wants us to be boyfriend/girlfriend the second time I saw him.

 

He came to see me in the city the first time and i visited him one weekend. The thing is-he has a 5 year old son. He had a rough childhood so i can see he is doing everything that wasn't done for him. He also doesn't have much money right now so we can't really go out on proper dates. He has him most nights too compared to the ex. He even said he would love to move somewhere else one day but feels stuck because of his aon. And it made me think--would you even be willing to move an hour and a half away? Obviously it would be more of a commute to see the child but the area he is in right now isn't the greatest and doesn't seem to have any job opportunity.

 

I am trying to remain open minded that maybe i could atleast live an hour or so outside the city if i met someone and commute but if he has to live in that area for his son who is only 5, I don't see how this could ever work long term for me i don't want to be close minded. I am also questioning am I sort of getting a little bit desperate to choose to date someone who has a kid, lives far away, baggage, the ex etc?

 

He is a good guy and I haven't met anyone in a few years where it even lasted this long with constant contact, no games it seems, affectionate, genuine personality, open to a serious relationship etc So it's hard to walk away right now.

 

 

I am thinking ahead because I don't want to get hurt or waste too much time. I am 27 and will be 28 soon; it seems harder and harder to date. Should I bring this up and ask him or maybe wait until we see each other a couple more times? Or maybe just let things happen and see how things go with him?

 

feeling sad but i guess i need to think like this for the future

[Forever Learning]

Time is going to reveal to you what you need to do here. You are in the early stages of this relationship, thus you are under the influence of some very confusing chemicals in your brain right now, that make it hard to see things clearly. This happens to most people in the early stages of a relationship, the "Infatuation" type stage. Hormones sort of take precedence over logic most of the time.

 

So, just give yourself a few weeks, or longer, to get a grip on everything here and sort things out in your head.

 

I also recommend reading all you can here on LoveShack, particularly in this "Long Distance Relationship" section, to get a good feel for all the agony and elation involved with most "Long Distance Relationships". Distance does seem to make the heart grow fonder. Unfortunately, most of the time, you are in love with an idealized vision of the person, but don't really know them all that well. Tough stuff.

 

I didn't have kids until I was 34 and 38 (I am a female). That is waiting a bit to have kids. It has worked out well for me. I paid off my house and car before having kids, a big plus. Others I know, had health issues, put off having kids, and had to have a hysterectomies in their early 30's. So it's always a gamble, putting off having kids. But for the most part, many folks safely wait to have kids in their 30's. So you likely have some time, and don't have to be in total dating panic mode.

 

Since that is the case, you should really try to branch out and get dating, right there in the city you live in. Dating is very beneficial, you can get a great feel for all the different types of men out there, and then establish in your mind, the qualities that you are seeking. You won't be just flying blind, unguided, without any boundaries, due to not having much dating experience.

 

Back to your guy you like. He is likely bound geographically by his son and his ex who he shares the son with. My gut feeling is, he is not working and without much money for dating, due to poor employment and money management skills. In other words, he is probably a bit of a loser, and you just don't have all the info on this guy yet to be able to know that for sure. Just a guess on my part, I could very well be wrong..... but years ago I had the very experience you are having, is how I know what's likely going on with this guy. Been there, done that. Got the t-shirt.

 

Branch out in the city you are in right now. Find ways to get dating, and make a list of the qualities you are looking for in a man (such as, for starters, finding one who has a job). You still have time to find someone wonderful who lives close to you, and who you can get to know more easily. Trust in that truth. God bless.

Edited March 16, 2012 by Forever Learning

[jmm]

thank you for that thought out response!

 

I definitely have tried to date in my area or close to it--no luck it seems for me when it comes to love. I had my first serious love when i was 20 which lasted about 4 years. It took me a few years to get over this break up and if I found the right guy I would have dated them but just no luck. Some no spark, some blew me off, some flaky etc etc

 

So it's hard to walk away when someone is giving you that everyday attention, good person

 

What bothers me i think more than the kid and distance is money. I wouldn't say he is a loser--he has a type of job where they lay you off and then you need to wait for more work pretty much. I feel like he can atleast try to do some jobs off the books and on the side but maybe it's hard in that area to even do that.

 

So we can't really go out for proper dinner/movie dates. I don't want to dismiss a guy though over that.

 

confusing i guesss..

[jmm]

I think my parents hold me back a little. They rely on me being around I think. I can see it. We don't have a big family--so me leaving and being probably 3 hours away is a hard decision for me when I see them everyday now. It would be ideal to meet someone in my area and live close by but maybe that just won't happen.

 

It's weighing on my mind and I want to enjoy spending time with this new person but I also want to ask do you have to remain this close in distance or can you compromise and maybe move an hour away so I can still work in the city if we did go ahead with this relationship. It would be more scheduled when to see his son so I am definitely living in a fantasy i guess. I guess i would just like to know if he is open to the idea if we dated say for 2 years but if not then I know now rather later.

 

maybe just enjoy things for awhile?

[goldengirl11]

I think my parents hold me back a little. They rely on me being around I think. I can see it. We don't have a big family--so me leaving and being probably 3 hours away is a hard decision for me when I see them everyday now. It would be ideal to meet someone in my area and live close by but maybe that just won't happen.

 

It's weighing on my mind and I want to enjoy spending time with this new person but I also want to ask do you have to remain this close in distance or can you compromise and maybe move an hour away so I can still work in the city if we did go ahead with this relationship. It would be more scheduled when to see his son so I am definitely living in a fantasy i guess. I guess i would just like to know if he is open to the idea if we dated say for 2 years but if not then I know now rather later.

 

maybe just enjoy things for awhile?

 

Have just read your thread and sympathise with your circumstances. Has there been any progress since? Am in a similar situation myself but broke off the relationship which am thinking of rekindling. I am partly hesitant to though due to his ties with his ageing mother. I would like to know if he has any plans to move out, hence it would appear that she didn't want to encourage the relationship as I wasn't allowed to stay! I am also currently out of work which doesn't help the costs when visiting etc.

Edited April 12, 2012 by goldengirl11