Its My Call and Im Not Ready for This

[LovelyLaura]

Its me again, update from my current situation.

 

I told my MM that he should stay away from me, we should end this A, and suggest him to fix his marriage.

 

He said that he couldnt do it. He has no love and passion for his wife. He tried for years to work it out, but still no result. And then he found me, and he said that i give him hope for a better future, better life, and that happiness is really exist out there.

 

And i was thinking, ok say what u want dear boy, its the same lie and i read every post in here good enough to not to fall into the trap of MM sweet promise.

So i told him that "ok, if thats what u want. but i couldnt be the other woman anymore. i deserve better than this. i deserve to be the woman, and i wont wait for you to make it happen"

 

so he came home, and i dont know. maybe his wife already suspicious about him. because really, this man like an open book, and you could read him easily..

so his wife ask him that why he acts so different lately. and he just told her everything, he is falling in love with another girl, his love for his wife is long gone, and their marriage is just a status, not a real bond between husband and wife.

 

his wife was so shock prior to hear those things, and beg him to stay. his wife promise him that everything will change, she will try to do her best to light the love again, to fix the marriage, to be anything that he want.

 

now this MM is so confuse. he wants to be with me, but he also has a chance to fix his marriage. and he has to choose.

 

now, he come to me and confess everything. and im sure as hell, if i say yes, he would divorce his wife. and if i say no, he would go on with his wife, and try to fix their marriage. its really my call now.

 

and from my side, god i dont know. im 25 and he is almost 40. i do care abt this man, but really cant imagine if i have to spend my entire life with him. but i dont know, i am so confuse. i do love him, but is it enough for us to build a family? oh god..

 

what should i do? do i say yes or no to him?

 

please help me....

[whichwayisup]

Tell him to call you when the divorce is final. And then you'll casually 'date' him and get to know him in a normal setting for a healthy relationship.

 

IF his marriage is going to end it should be because he truly isn't in love with her and their marriage really is over. And, he shouldn't be leaving "for" you, allowing you to make final decision. That is crap and there are lies in his story. I doubt he even told his wife, let alone IF he did, he certainly didn't say what he told you he told her. No way. Also, most BS's wouldn't 'beg' after hearing something like he 'apparently' told his wife. Most would tell their CS's to get the F out and GO to the younger woman whom he is in love with.

 

Don't believe him. Or, call his bluff and ask him if it's okay that you go talk to his wife about all this. WATCH his reaction carefully. And listen to not only what he says but his body language too.

[LovelyLaura]

Tell him to call you when the divorce is final. And then you'll casually 'date' him and get to know him in a normal setting for a healthy relationship.

 

IF his marriage is going to end it should be because he truly isn't in love with her and their marriage really is over. And, he shouldn't be leaving "for" you, allowing you to make final decision. That is crap and there are lies in his story. I doubt he even told his wife, let alone IF he did, he certainly didn't say what he told you he told her. No way. Also, most BS's wouldn't 'beg' after hearing something like he 'apparently' told his wife. Most would tell their CS's to get the F out and GO to the younger woman whom he is in love with.

 

Don't believe him. Or, call his bluff and ask him if it's okay that you go talk to his wife about all this. WATCH his reaction carefully. And listen to not only what he says but his body language too.

I do believe that he is having this conversation with his wife. But i dont know for certain what were they talking about. One thing i know for sure is :

1. His wife knows about our A

2. MM told her that he has no more love for his wife, because he feels that his wife are so distant from him, his wife is too busy, has no time for him, they even dont have sex for the past 3 months, and sleep in separate bed for almost 3 years.

3. After hearing this, his wife is so furious and consider to move out. but maybe she realize that part of this is her fault too. so she promise that she will change, she will cut back her activity and try to make more time for the family.

4. now this MM has two choice, walk away to be with me or stay in the marriage with a chance to fix everything.

5. he come to me, asking for my thought.

 

and im really confuse..

my feeling for him, yes i love him. but im afraid its not enough.

we have age difference and we are coworker, so it will be very awkward and kind of sensation if anyone found out about this.

 

i love him, but i have my doubt.

[FightClub]

Lovelylaura,

 

I won't make this response very long because I feel as though you have a lot to learn and take from your experience, so in essence I'm going to make a suggestion and want you to think about what is 'really' happening here, not with him but within you.

 

1) What do you want out of this whole situation in the end, if it were up to you?

 

2) Is this the long-term future that you want? do you deserve more than this? is there a reason at such a young age you are looking toward a man more than half your age?

 

Unfortunately, you are not in control of his decision making, that's the honest truth.

 

He may tell you, 'it's up to you' but in all honesty it never was and never will be, giving the illusion of control helps him keep you right where you are, as the other woman indefinitely.

 

You have to decide for yourself, in terms of your own life what choices you make from this point forward. His marriage is and always will be the choice between him and the spouse.

 

Time has a way of revealing all the truths without even asking the question, you'll slowly see the true nature of things as it passes by.

 

 

Goodluck,

 

-FC

[jwi71]

Hi LL.

 

Your MM is asking you for your opinion is not ACTUALLY what he is asking you.

 

He is really asking that if he leaves his W that you will take him and he won't have to be all alone. He's looking for the soft landing.

 

My advice: don't be it.

 

I CAN promise you one thing though. He DOESN'T want a D.

 

How might I know this you ask? Simple...he ISN'T D.

If he TRULY WANTED to D his W...he wouldn't be asking YOU. He would D and show you the PROOF on his own accord because he WANTS it.

 

He hasn't done this. Nor do I suggest holding your breath waiting for him to do so.

 

My second piece of advice: Run away. Fast.

 

He is a 40 year old man who can make his damn decisions. And you, least of all, can help him.

 

Step away. Tell him you might be available WHEN he is 100% D. Signed, sealed and delivered. Then go NC and let him sort his shyte out.

[LovelyLaura]

Lovelylaura,

 

I won't make this response very long because I feel as though you have a lot to learn and take from your experience, so in essence I'm going to make a suggestion and want you to think about what is 'really' happening here, not with him but within you.

 

1) What do you want out of this whole situation in the end, if it were up to you?

 

2) Is this the long-term future that you want? do you deserve more than this? is there a reason at such a young age you are looking toward a man more than half your age?

 

Unfortunately, you are not in control of his decision making, that's the honest truth.

 

He may tell you, 'it's up to you' but in all honesty it never was and never will be, giving the illusion of control helps him keep you right where you are, as the other woman indefinitely.

 

You have to decide for yourself, in terms of your own life what choices you make from this point forward. His marriage is and always will be the choice between him and the spouse.

 

Time has a way of revealing all the truths without even asking the question, you'll slowly see the true nature of things as it passes by.

 

 

Goodluck,

 

-FC

U really punch me back into reality FC.

 

Yes, i have my doubt. But when someone blantantly asking me this question, i just realize that yeah, this is not the kind of life i deserve.

 

I love him, but this love is not gonna be enough to make my doubt fade away, yet to spend my whole life with him..

 

I know what to do, i just dont know how..

I dont want to settle with him. As you put it, its not the long-term future that i want. And i should tell him this.

 

But now, seeing the situation that i've created, i just feel that i have my responsibility in here. Just be honest, i cost this man his marriage. And i can not just run away because i think i dont wanna this life.

 

I put my self in this situation, and now i have to pay the price. Even though i say no, and push him to work on his marriage, it wont be the same for them. I am not trying to be a saint here, i just have my guilty. and i dont know how to deal with it.

 

I though with saying yes, be with this man (even tough i dont wanna do that) will wash the guilt away.. Sounds naive, but i dont know what else to do..

[FightClub]

lovelylaura,

 

I felt the same way you did at one point with my xMW, I really did. I could echo all the feelings, thinking that perhaps if I stayed involved things would work out for the best.

 

When decision time came, I walked away as soon as she decided to call it quits and disappear. Best decision I ever made, because it forced me to see where I was and where I had to go. Making the choice to respect myself more didn't take away from the love I felt at one point in time.

 

Love simply is not enough, we're told that it is but when fantasy is tested against reality; the reality wins almost every time because removing the variables out of the fantasy basically ends up being the same reality.

 

Trust me, if your choice is to stay with MM, you will end up losing in the long run unless he does the serious work to end the marriage, do individual counseling, spend time on his own away from the support of anyone and then when all that is over look you up some day to begin anew.

 

Jumping from one relationship to another, let alone a marriage never ends well.

 

As I mentioned previously, look within yourself, he didn't put a gun to your head to have a affair and you are not the sole reason for his infidelity; something is clearly broken in your MM and only he can find the way to fix it by himself.

 

BTW - It's not uncommon for the wayward spouse to leave the marriage and then run right back to the marriage and leave the OM/OW in the dust. Been there, done that and many others on have experienced it on LS as well.

 

-FC

Edited March 16, 2012 by FightClub

[MissBee]

Tell him to call you when the divorce is final. And then you'll casually 'date' him and get to know him in a normal setting for a healthy relationship.

 

IF his marriage is going to end it should be because he truly isn't in love with her and their marriage really is over. And, he shouldn't be leaving "for" you, allowing you to make final decision. That is crap and there are lies in his story. I doubt he even told his wife, let alone IF he did, he certainly didn't say what he told you he told her. No way. Also, most BS's wouldn't 'beg' after hearing something like he 'apparently' told his wife. Most would tell their CS's to get the F out and GO to the younger woman whom he is in love with.

 

Don't believe him. Or, call his bluff and ask him if it's okay that you go talk to his wife about all this. WATCH his reaction carefully. And listen to not only what he says but his body language too.

 

 

I agree with the bolded.

 

Let him call you when his divorce is final. If he doesn't want to be with his wife...he doesn't and it shouldn't have anything to do with having another woman in the wings. It should not be a case of if you don't take him he will fix his marriage He's either fixing it because he wants to or not. No one can force him to fix his marriage or leave it. He needs to make that decision for himself outside of you or anyone else.

 

If he is over it he should divorce...not "for you" as their is no guarantee your relationship will work out. It's such a bad place to be in and such pressure, as when MM leave for OW often it seems as if they automatically need to plan a life and family with this man (as you brought up) when in reality, no normal healthy relationship happens like that. People date and take time to discover each other IN THE OPEN so that they can then decide on whether or not to commit. Yet in As people expect that somehow they leave the wife...move in with the OW and then have to be together forever after.

 

If he divorces he should want to take time to date you and accept that you guys may or may not work out forever. However, kinda hard to give it a fair shot to work or not work when you put the burden of "But I left FOR you" on the relationship from jump. It is a bad practice for people to live their lives based on having relationships to fall into. I am not going to date a newly divorced man or a married man...because I believe EVERYONE needs to debrief from their relationship. Whether they ended it or the other did. Take some time to regroup and to genuinely be ready for another commitment....not rebounding or jumping from one safety net to a next. I respect someone more who desires to take time for himself and to take things slow not hey I'm divorcing be ready to be my wife's replacement.

 

Calm down and don't go into a tail spin! Maintain your composure and tell him he needs to end his marriage, tie up his loose ends before you guys can date like a normal couple and then see if you want to commit to each other for real. You also need to ask yourself the truth....it's so funny, because in the article LadyGrey posed about OW from the Huffington Post, the author talks about this, how when the MM talks of leaving sometimes OW panic because things seem to be more real and when it was just an A it was safer and no pressure and this man's big attractive quality is in fact his unavailability. It seems like now that you may have him to yourself, instead of being overjoyed....you're freaking out and realizing your age difference and whether or not you want a life with him etc. yet when he was not on offer you were more certain You should think about that.

Edited March 16, 2012 by MissBee

[frozensprouts]

I do believe that he is having this conversation with his wife. But i dont know for certain what were they talking about. One thing i know for sure is :

1. His wife knows about our A

2. MM told her that he has no more love for his wife, because he feels that his wife are so distant from him, his wife is too busy, has no time for him, they even dont have sex for the past 3 months, and sleep in separate bed for almost 3 years.

3. After hearing this, his wife is so furious and consider to move out. but maybe she realize that part of this is her fault too. so she promise that she will change, she will cut back her activity and try to make more time for the family.

4. now this MM has two choice, walk away to be with me or stay in the marriage with a chance to fix everything.

5. he come to me, asking for my thought.

 

and im really confuse..

my feeling for him, yes i love him. but im afraid its not enough.

we have age difference and we are coworker, so it will be very awkward and kind of sensation if anyone found out about this.

 

i love him, but i have my doubt.

 

 

Please note: I am not saying this will definitely happen with respect to your married man, but i am saying that it can, and often does happen with others

 

let's assume that this guy did tell his wife he was having an affair and he is telling you the truth about her reaction.

 

Let's assume that her reaction is due to shock and she is panicking.

 

Once that shock and panic wears off, she may start to get angry. She may very well tell him to go and be with you ( or she may just tell him to leave).

 

When that happens, something very odd can happen. All of a sudden, a wayward spouse can make a dramatic turnabout, and all of a sudden, he may decide he wants nothing more than to be married to her. You'll end up being left behind while he and his wife try to start rebuilding their marriage, and you be in a huge amount of emotional pain.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't want to put myself in the position where I would have to go through that.

 

Decide if you do want to be with him long term. If you do, then tell him to sort out what it is that he wants to do, and that, should he decide to end his marriage, then he can come to you once the divorce is final. Until then, he is to leave you alone. In the meantime, go out there and live your life, see what else is out there for you besides being tied to this guy with so much emotional baggage.

 

I know that right now, it feels like you are under a huge amount of pressure to make decisions that will affect the rest of your life. But think about it...shouldn't deciding that you want to spend your life with someone be a happy decision, not one that causes you to panic and be afraid? What does the fact that you feel so afraid tell you? To me, it would seem taht you really aren't ready for this.

[Mme. Chaucer]

It's NOT up to you. He's trying to put it on you. Don't take it on. If he does not want to be married to his wife, he needs to get a divorce. You, or no you.

[nofool4u]

what should i do? do i say yes or no to him?

 

You should say no to him and quit helping him f*** over a fellow female.

[truthbetold]

Frankly Laura, you answered your own question in your title. "you're not ready for this" Then don't have the blood of someone else's marriage on your hands, simple as that. You don't owe him a thing and rather disturbing that you think so lightly of someone else's marriage that you'd just "play" with it like that.

 

Honestly I think this guy is I also doubt he told his wife all of that and she begged him It sounds like he told you that was her reaction so that you'll get your competitve spirit on and want to do even better bc now you know that someone else is "fighting" for him. He thinks that'll make him more desirable in your eyes. If you fall for that crap...well that's YOUR choice and no one to blame when the heartache inevitably sets in. BC as others said, if he wanted a divorce, he would have one. To play this "game" like he makes you think he's giving the power to you, is twisted. Guys like him need slapped down from the pedestal they think they're on.