Jessa Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 Hi everyone! Well..... I am new to this and not quite sure where to start, so..... I guess I'll just dive right in.... My ex and I had been together for 7 years, and lived together twice. At the time of our breakup 6 months ago we were no longer living together. He broke up with me and completely crushed my entire world and broke my heart. The way he did it was very cruel, and I tried to contact him in the first week but he was very cold towards me. In response, I avoided him in order to try to heal, although I spent 3 solid weeks in a daze. Over the last months I have tried to avoid contact with him, despite the fact that after about a month and a half after the breakup, he started trying to contact me, saying he wanted me back, etc etc... I ignored him for most of it all, not being able to deal with this all emotionally. However, I went through a phase of a week where I missed him terribly and cried myself to sleep every night again, so I was compelled to call him. Since then, he has constantly tried to get back together with me. I cannot just jump into things again, for I have walled up protection from him emoitionally, and I wanted to take things slow and casual as friends to see if there was a possibility. He did not like that, as I had said that if he wanted to go out on dates he could, whereas I thought I was being very respectful in that there was no tying down or commitment, since I could not offer any at this time. He became angry with me about my view of us being able to date and just see each other as friends, and then started going into how he wasn't happy for a very long time in our relationship, and how I had made him miserable for so long. That is very hard to hear from someone who was your world for so long. He also stated he did not trust me at all, and didn't believe a word I said, despite the fact that I was always faithful to him and loved him with all my heart and soul. He thought I was up to something because I retracted from him a bit and went further into my hobbies and friends at times when the relationship was really rough and hostile. I just could not deal with the hostility. I am very confused as to why he would dump me so harshly, say that I made him miserable and that he was not happy for over a year in the relationship, and still be trying to get back together with me? I have been dating a bit here and there since the breakup, and have met a wonderful man whom I would like to get to know better. Yet, I still have this issue with the ex...... he knows just what to say and how to say it to get at my weak points, and then I start to crumble. I need time away from him, and he says things like he'll move across country just to get me out of his head, drastic things like that. I just wanted to see if we could be friends first without fighting every second sentence, and have the freedom to do what we wanted. That was all I could offer, and I feel pressured when I shouldn't at all. Thankyou for reading this novel..... Any thoughts and words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated, as I am more confused now than ever...... Jess Link to post Share on other sites
dreaming4ever Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 There's a few reasons I could think of why if he was miserable he might STILL want you back. The first is that people are funny.....you could be in a relationship and be miserable but eventually you get comfortable in that kind of situation...like you might not be happy but you know that LEAVING that relationship and not being with that person would be worse than being with them....that has happened to me before and was the reason that I stayed in a relationship for 2 yrs and 9 months instead of leaving after a year, which is when I stopped being happy....it's kinda like safety.....also if he knows just how to push your buttons maybe he LIKES controlling you or something and wants you to be unhappy which really isn't fair at all....you sound so much nicer to him and deserve someone nice. On the other hand....maybe with some time apart he realized how you 2 can work through your problems and maybe he realized he took you for granted or something like that and now wants to treat u better.....then again if you found another guy he could just be jealous....and I don't think it's wrong at all that you thought it was a good idea to take a step back and just be friends for a bit...he should've respected that that's how you felt. Hope I helped at least a bit....good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessa Posted June 11, 2004 Author Share Posted June 11, 2004 Thanks so much dreaming for your thoughts on my dilemma! Everything you said makes perfect sense, I guess I just am not so sure about getting back together just for the sole fact that he misses the relationship instead of me. I am very concerned that he thinks that the time away from each other will heal all our problems and that we can just start over and everything will be fine. I don't look at it that way, and he keeps telling me that I need to make the first move and impress him the way I used to and then he will follow suit...... why should I be working hard to impress him when he was the one who was ok with the decision enough to break up with me and should be the one trying to win me back, not the other way around!? He constantly tells me what I NEED to do to fix things and get him back, yet nothing has been done even remotely to impress me or show romance..... I really want time to myself right now to sort out where I stand, although I fear he won't go for it, that he'll say we've had enough time and that I shouldstop playing with his emotions..... something I have supposedly been doing the whole time - playing hisemotions and hurting him. I think if he truly wants to be with me he will give me the space I need, and I want to also see what kind of friendship or anything will come out of things with this new man I have met. I have been so hurt that I can't open up to my ex the way he says I need to in order to show him I care, so I feel time is the best thing. He can date, I can date, and maybe more time will clear my head abut how I feel one way or another. If he truly loves me and wants me, he will repsect what I need, no? Again, thank you so much for the wise words..... I hope everything in your relationship went the way you wanted and that you have found happiness in your situation! Jess Link to post Share on other sites
dreaming4ever Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 I'm glad I helped! And yes it sounds like you're making a good decision, choosing to date other people and hoping that your ex will do the same. He sounds kind of manipulative and pushy, like he tells you what to do and expects you to do it. Not the ideal type of person to hook up with. So yes, time apart sounds good. And remember the saying "if you love someone, let them go, if they come back you were meant to be, but if they don't, they weren't yours in the first place"....cuz it's true (in my experience). My relationship is going well right now. My boyfriend and I were together for 9 months, then he broke up with me, then after a month and a half he begged to have me back cuz he was so miserable without me. Which was nice cuz I was in love with him. And now, a month later, we're happy and he appreciates me more which is good. So, breakups can be a good thing, even if I was SO SAD at the beginning of mine...anyways, good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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