Annnnd... this is why you need friends. Tonight, I realized a sobering truth

[Teknoe]

Hey LoveShack,

I'm the author of this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/316034-i-have-never-felt-determined-before

 

While my life is finally headed in the right direction, don't think I've got it all figured out. Far from it. I've taken some good steps in 2012, but I'm still far from where I want to be one day.

 

Tonight I was humbled and led to do some serious introspection. My friend Cory, who acts as my accountability partner (a fancy term for someone of the same sex who checks in with you on all aspects of life -- finances, career, relationships, walk with God, growth or lack thereof, etc.) gave me some sobering truths to ponder.

 

This is why we all need friends; at least ONE person in real life who can help point out our blind spots for us.

 

Tonight Cory stopped by and I drove him to our church. We were going to do some volunteering painting. On the way there, he kind of dropped a bombshell on me. We have been accountability partners for a solid year now, and there is very little info I with-hold from him. He knows about my teaching career struggles, my struggles with pornography, etc.

 

I mean, I feel comfortable sharing with this guy 90% details of my life.

 

Tonight as I was driving he asked me if I had any other accountability partners. I told him I had one other guy. Then Cory told me this

 

"I think what you need right now is not so much accountability, but a mentor. Someone who can take you under his wing, help show you the ropes, and help you develop a stronger core."

 

Honestly, I was completely shocked to hear that.

 

But Cory went on, and he made some very valid points. He hit on my BLIND SPOTS. We can't see our blind spots clearly. We need a loving friend to point it out to us. The truth always sets you free, after all.

 

Cory realizes I don't pay good attention to detail. He said he's noticed this for a while now with me. Perfect example was last Saturday. We had an 8:30 AM rehearsal, and it was our 1st one. I slept through my alarm and came 15 minutes late.

 

"Why were you so late?" he asked.

"I slept later than I should have. I went to bed at 3:30 AM."

"Yeah, not the wisest decision. A more mature and disciplined person would have planned more ahead, and realize with it being the 1st rehearsal especially, showing up 15 minutes late is almost a no-no."

 

I haven't been punctual with things all my life. I always show up 5-10 minutes late. I need to improve on this. Cory's noticed it because I usually come late for our accountability meetings.

 

Another perfect example was while I was driving, my car started making these weird noises.

 

"Whoa, sounds like bad brakes," he commented.

"Yeah, I need to get it checked out."

"Well when did it start?"

"A few months..."

Cory was speechless. "Uh, you better take care of that tomorrow."

 

I even lied. It's been going on for like several months now, but I felt too embarrassed to say several so I said a few. Even "few" caused him to worry a great deal, if he had heard several... lol...

 

He changed his work pants to jeans in my car as I was driving. I stayed in my work clothes even though I had time to change at home. He brought jeans. He was prepared.

 

I commented "Man, maybe I should have changed my pants too."

"You're not wearing dress shoes, are you?"

I was so embarrassed. "Yeah," I admitted. "But they're old and I'm about to get new ones, too."

 

It wasn't depressing, don't get me wrong, but it was a sobering truth I realized. At 28 years old, I'm far from the man I want to be. There are still many things I need to learn and improve on. Being on time is one. Planning ahead is another. I often just show up and try to wing things. I don't have a set plan many times. I go with the flow.

 

Needless to say, I see where he's coming from when he suggested I find a mentor. Accountability is important, but a mentor would help more if I want to grow at a faster rate.

 

Relating this to a girlfriend, Cory's been able to see my blind spots that surely a girlfriend would be able to spot. I have the luxury of working on these blind spots without causing stress to my girlfriend. Being single isn't all bad.

 

Point is, friends are important. If you don't have at least one person in real life who you see at least once a month (if not once every 2 weeks) who knows at least 75% of the real you... you might want to find somebody like that. Otherwise, with zero accountability you are likely to be drifting along for years and years kind of stuck in the same old rut.

 

Change is scary, but powerful.

As I look to take those next steps in my adult life, I know that tonight was no random accident. Cory gave me some powerful things to think and pray about. I know I gotta change some things up in my life if I want to take that next step.

 

I don't know who this post might benefit, but I pray it spoke loudly to someone here. May it bring you the same kind of conviction I felt. Having a friend who knows us enough to tell us the truth in love is so critical in growing as a human being. We all have blind spots only a trusted friend can see and inform us about.

 

One thing I do thank God for is I feel I've been given a very gentle and open spirit. When people say things to me like Cory I *NEVER EVER* take them as insults, but "love challenges" to become the man I want to become someday. I feel I take criticism pretty well, especially compared to some others. That's because I don't have a HUGE ego.

 

But yeah, I'm rambling now. It's 3 AM so I better get to bed. Tonight, I realized a sobering truth. All thanks to a friend who knows me inside out (almost). This is why we all need friends who help us along life's journey.

[Feliciti]

Sounds kind of scary to be honest... To have someone know you this deep?

 

I mean, I try to be completely honest with the people around me, but there are some things I'd rather not let out on.

 

Unless an 8 year old kid counts? Never that worried about kids knowing all sorts of things about me

 

And I might be asking a stupid question here, but how is it stressing to have people tell you about your faults and mistakes? Why should it be different between friends and lovers?

[Teknoe]

Sounds kind of scary to be honest... To have someone know you this deep?

 

I mean, I try to be completely honest with the people around me, but there are some things I'd rather not let out on.

 

Feliciti, I'm SO glad you posted this. This is a great and natural response most people will/might feel about someone else knowing you THIS well. Trust me, I've been very blessed by meeting Cory and connecting with him right off the bat. We first met at an audition in January 2011. Ironically, we both read the lines for Satan (yes, the devil). We were relatively close in age (he's about 3.8 years older than me) and right away, our personalities kind of clicked.

 

We had a great time being in the play together and we really bonded. Then, after the play was over, we decided to become accountability partners. We'd meet once every month over dinner to talk about our lives, our struggles, our hopes and dreams. This is not uncommon in Christian circles. In fact, many strong believers would tell you having an accountability partner is critical in growing.

 

I'm not saying you should find a random person off the street and tell him/her all your life's secrets. But you can find someone who is already sort of in the circle of your life (i.e. a classmate, etc.) and develop that kind of relationship.

 

I'm thankful I'm open enough to be vulnerable to Cory. I understand not everyone is willing to be vulnerable.

 

I have no doubt this is helping me to become a better man, and a better husband. Guess what -- our future spouses are going to know us better than Cory knows me... there is no hiding who you really are when you start to develop really intimate relationships. Having one with Cory right now allows me to practice patience, perseverance, give and take, compromising (i.e. we decided to take my car to church last night, I was against it because of gas prices but to be fair he drove over to my place), learning to be selfless, etc.

 

There are a lot of great qualities you can develop in a "no BS" relationship like I have with Cory, that will only help you become a better man or woman for it.

 

Yes, it is kind of scary, but I also know it's for the best. I really enjoy my friendship with Cory. It's helped make me a better person. We also encourage each other and pray for one another. He helped see me through my teaching career struggles for the past year. So yes, it IS scary but the benefits are worth it. I'm saddened that many people give up on the benefits because it just seems too hard/scary to start out. Cory and I are friends, too. We're not just accountability partners. Honestly, I think everyone needs a trusted, good friend who acts as an accountability partner in your life.

 

 

And I might be asking a stupid question here, but how is it stressing to have people tell you about your faults and mistakes? Why should it be different between friends and lovers?

 

Not stupid at all! Great question.

 

Honestly, it's not stressing as much as it is LIBERATING. Admitting my shortcomings and flaws to Cory has always been like I'm exhaling a deep breath I've been holding in for far too long. Hearing him share my shortcomings to my face has been liberating. Hey, only a real friend would go there, and it's based in LOVE. I know he's looking out for my best interest. That's why it's liberating, and not so much stressing. We often talk about our pornography struggles. He actually went over a year without masturbating. He is set to marry his girlfriend in 2013, and doesn't want porn usage to ruin his marriage, so he's learning and developing his self-control right now.

 

I find confessing sins or sharing struggles to be much more helpful than hurtful. Cory has really helped me process my feelings and things through my experiences. We try to dig deep and go to the core issues.

 

I don't know who my future wife will be, but I know right now she is blessed that Cory is in my life helping me to be a better husband and man for her whenever that day should come.

 

This is why I think having a real friend is so important. We cannot improve (at least not to the degree WE CAN) by doing everything ALONE. We can't stay isolated. We were created for meaningful relationships, with both sexes. There needs to be a healthy balance.

 

I'm so thankful I never asked my crush out last summer. I'm far from healthy BF material right now; I still got my issues to sort out. I'm also thankful I have had Cory in my life the past year. He's been honest with me in many different facets, and helped me to see my blind spots and develop some winning strategies going forward.

 

So to sum it up, yes it is scary (at first at least) but no it is not stressing as much as it is liberating. No pain, no gain. It does require one to be very vulnerable and completely open. It's not easy for some people to do that, but it could make a WORLD of a difference if only they would.

 

I know it has for me.

Edited March 16, 2012 by Teknoe

[KathyM]

I agree wholeheartedly. People need friends to hold them accountable, give them caring advice when needed, and be there for support and encouragement, and sometimes challenge them when they are off track or need some "tough love". People also need a mentor who will guide them and inspire them to be a better person. My oldest son (26) was fortunate to have both a mentor and a wonderful group of friends who have added so much to his life. He has also mentored others as well. Very important to have those types of people in your life, who you can count on, and who will encourage you.

[Diamonds&Rust]

It sounds like there may be some perfectionism interfering with your potential for happiness.

 

Tell us more about needing to be "bf material" before dating; what are you waiting for? Do you expect yourself to never make mistakes?

[Mr Scorpio]

While I dont agree with your methods, I'm glad that you are making progress. Still, what happens when you don't have your accountability buddy there?

Edited March 17, 2012 by Mr Scorpio

[Teknoe]

It sounds like there may be some perfectionism interfering with your potential for happiness.

 

Tell us more about needing to be "bf material" before dating; what are you waiting for? Do you expect yourself to never make mistakes?

 

I don't think I'm a perfectionist. If I were, I would be a lot more calculated. I'm just lazy, straight up. I don't have the greatest drive or motivation -- I'm not a great self-starter. I can step up when given chances, but I am not so good currently at creating chances for myself. Although I have been improving in that facet.

 

And no, I don't expect myself to never make mistakes. But I know right now, it would be foolish for me to consider an adult relationship because I'm not quite there yet. I'm still stuck in Guyland (google it) and want to secure a career down first before entertaining the thought of asking girls out and hoping to meet the right one.

 

I got other core issues I need to work out first. I did the chase girl thing the last 6 years. Gotten me nowhere because I have been avoiding the core issues here. I honestly believe that's why so many people are hurting on Loveshack. They're looking for validation and "completion" in a partner while avoiding getting down to the nitty gritty. Desiring a significant other is perfectly normal, but too many people blindly ignore their core issues of why they're single. Been there, done that.

 

I don't want to go through it again. I want to take care of myself first.

 

 

what happens when you don't have your accountability buddy there?

 

Um, this is a hard question to answer. I'm not sure exactly where you're coming from, so I'll answer it in this fashion. Here's the bottom line. Each of us are responsible for our own life decisions. Some of us have no one to help us process our decisions. Others do (i.e. family members, friends, etc.)

 

I gotta be responsible for making good choices, accountability partner or not. If I eat 3 burgers every week and don't exercise, that doesn't hurt Cory. That only hurts me.

 

It's not about "pleasing" Cory... it's about developing discipline and self-control to take the next steps in my adult life.

 

I will add that having people who check in with you to see how you're doing is added bonus to keep living right. On our own, we can easily wither away without even knowing it. Or maybe we know it, but there's no "pressure" to improve, so we either improve VERY VERY slowly, or none at all. If you don't improve, eventually, then you'll regress as the months and years go by and you find yourself (unsurprisingly) in the same rut as before and struggling with the same issues over and over again.

[Mr Scorpio]

I guess I'm coming from the perspective that growth comes from within, and to that end your progress is based not-so-much on inner-growth but from submission to the standards of other people (church, Cory, etc).

 

On the other hand, there are plenty of examples in life where people grow with the help/leadership of others. Children and soldiers being good examples.

 

Now, I could very well imagine that --based on the results that you achieved thus far with the help of a mentor/friend hovering of you -- you might stick with your new behaviors.

 

But again, what happens when you dont have an accountability buddy? If you date/marry a woman who doesn't want to "mother you" into getting up on time, to getting your car checked out, etc -- then what?

 

And if you always have an accountability buddy, is it really personal growth? If you are always simply responding to the whims of others?

[Teknoe]

I guess I'm coming from the perspective that growth comes from within, and to that end your progress is based not-so-much on inner-growth but from submission to the standards of other people (church, Cory, etc).

 

On the other hand, there are plenty of examples in life where people grow with the help/leadership of others. Children and soldiers being good examples.

 

My personal belief and conviction IS that I'm under submission to one: but it's not my church or Cory. It's to God. I know not everyone agrees with that, but that's my personal conviction. I belong to the Lord first and foremost. So I am always under His submission.

 

You are right, soldiers and children are good examples

 

 

Now, I could very well imagine that --based on the results that you achieved thus far with the help of a mentor/friend hovering of you -- you might stick with your new behaviors.

 

But again, what happens when you dont have an accountability buddy? If you date/marry a woman who doesn't want to "mother you" into getting up on time, to getting your car checked out, etc -- then what?

 

And if you always have an accountability buddy, is it really personal growth? If you are always simply responding to the whims of others?

 

The Gospel is meant to transform lives. I'm still a new believer (2 and a half years). I think the whole point is taking baby steps until one day I AM THERE (so to speak) and can become the kind of man I was made to be without necessarily doing it to be accountable to other people, but to God. I'm still maturing as a man and in the faith. I've come a decent way in the last 2.5 years, but there's much left to learn about.

 

I think it's personal growth when you grow, period. But that real personal growth happens when it comes from within -- like you stated. Whether people have God as an anchor or some other reason -- you're still growing. Everyone has their own reasons and/or motivation.

[daphne]

I think this is pretty awesome, actually. I want one! My friends won't tell me about my blindspots. They are afraid that I would be angry. If I respect that the person works on their own personal growth and had no agenda, I would be happy to see what I can improve. It's a continuous goal for me. Seems to be a neverending journey.

 

I do, however, think it might have been a little perfectionist to worry about what you were wearing. But I think both of your intentions are good and it seems like a really positive thing. I wish more people would do this. Instead, I feel like we're surrounded by hoards of people who refuse to take accountability or act with integrity. It's disheartening, to say the least.

[Teknoe]

I think this is pretty awesome, actually. I want one! My friends won't tell me about my blindspots. They are afraid that I would be angry.

 

Yeah, it's nice, but not easy to find. A lot of people don't like rocking boats. This is the difference between a friend and an accountability partner. An AP is also a friend, but the goal is to be dead-honest in a loving manner. Friends should naturally do this too, but often times many do not out of fear of invoking confrontations. Confrontations of course create stress and we don't like that.

 

APs know there will be tough times, because of the level of intimacy and trust.

 

 

I do, however, think it might have been a little perfectionist to worry about what you were wearing. But I think both of your intentions are good and it seems like a really positive thing.

 

Perhaps in another circumstance, yes. But remember, I got off work and had 30 minutes to chill at home while I waited for Cory to come. I left my nice work pants and dress shoes on to go to a PAINTING job. Granted, the paint is water soluable but why even take the risk of spilling paint on nice work pants and dress shoes?

 

Everyone at the painting job was in jeans and dirty tennis shoes.

 

I think if isolated it would have been perfectionism for him to point that out, but don't forget he and I have been APs for about 11 months now. He's noticed I just don't pay great attention to details... and I'm sure he wouldn't have pointed out my clothing choice if that were month 1. After 11 months, he's seen one of my blind spots and that was a moment to lovingly point it out.

 

So in Cory's defense, given all these facts, I don't think he was "perfectionist" about it. I had 30 minutes at home to change, but I failed to think ahead. We're going painting, not to a work seminar, after all.

 

daphne let me ask you -- do you see someone in your life right now who COULD act as your AP? Look for possibilities, and I hope you'll be able to start one up.