loglookin Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 I need help!!! My son who is 24 and not the brightest person in the world, has met a girl 20. He met her through a 800# dating service. This girl has the mind of a 2 year old. She live in the worst part of town, her parents have criminal rap sheets a mile long. She has been through 3 other relationships, one ending when she lost a baby at 7 months. My son has known her a month, and she already has bought a cat into his apartment, (he has a dog), she tells me she wants a baby, had her fingernails done with my sons birthday money. This girl has no job, lives with her parents, brother, sister-in-law, and 3 kids. There are 8 people in her section 8 house that is about 700 sq. ft. home. This is my sons first sexual relationship, he's the quiet type. My husband and I have talked to him till we're blue in the face. We will not allow her back into our home. We have a pretty decent home, and I'm bettin' the girl, thinks we have money. This girl is using sex to pull him in, I know she wants to get my son dug in. My son has never met her family, he picks her up and drops her off by a police station. This girls reason for not introducing her family is she wants to make sure the relationship works out, and her dad favors her X boyfriend. (crock of crap) Yet she has met all our family! Any parents out there ever been through this! I sure could use some help! Link to post Share on other sites
Al Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 I'm not a parent by I am 24 years old and sometimes I still have the problem that when my parents tell me not to do something, it makes me want to do it even more. Guess it's a childhood habit that I have yet to completely grow out of. Anyways, that might be the case with your son. The more you disapprove of something, the more he may want to be with this girl. I would try to have a serious talk with him about protected sex though. My boyfriend's ex said that she was on the pill and really wasn't and how he's paying child support for the next 18 years. Your son at least has to take care of himself in that respect. Otherwise at 24, he's pretty much on his own to make his own decisions. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that your son gains a little more self respect and sees this girl for what she really is. Link to post Share on other sites
Kristina Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 Well this sounds like a real shady situation. Although I was never like this, I know a few of my friends who had parents who didn't like there bfs and wouldnt allow them in the house. Both of these girls ended up lying to their parents about seeing the guy and were pregnant at 15 & 16. So, I would not be so concerned about him dating her, because he will do what he wants and hopefully eventually figure out that she is not the right girl for him. Personally I would be more concerned about her trying to get pregnant to keep him around. Link to post Share on other sites
tiger_nip Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 how about u stop being an annoying mom and let your son make his own mistakes. he'll see it eventually, if he is getting played. Plus he's 24, not 14. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loglookin Posted June 10, 2004 Author Share Posted June 10, 2004 You don't have to be nasty! Apparently you don't have children. Your not the one who would have to take care of my son in the event he possibly contracts aids, or has a broken heart from this. Your apparently very immature! Link to post Share on other sites
Sundaymorning Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 I am kinda taken back by how you write about your son. You might want to re-measure yourself with the way you speak of things. First of all he is 24. Second you said he is not so bright? What good parent says that about their own child? What business is it of yours what happens to your son at this age....unless he is in serious harm such as death. But goodness...you sound like a white trash mother. Being honest. Let your son alone. Link to post Share on other sites
tiger_nip Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Originally posted by loglookin You don't have to be nasty! Apparently you don't have children. Your not the one who would have to take care of my son in the event he possibly contracts aids, or has a broken heart from this. Your apparently very immature! and how do you intend to protect him? put a condom on him when he's having sex? beat up the girl who breaks his heart? I would hope he learned about safe sex in 7th grade health class. I think you need to re-evaluate how your handling your son. Maybe his choice of women has somthing to do with the protective way you've raised him. I don't need to have children to to see that you've spoiled your kid rotten. The MAN is 24.... enough said. Link to post Share on other sites
roja901 Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 This guy's relationship with his mother as it pertains to sex doesn't sound any worse than mine with my own mother. She absolutely loves my ex-girlfriend, to the extent that they used to go out to bars and **** together (my mom's relatively young at 36). There is nothing more horrifying than calling your girlfriend and asking her if she wants to go out, and she tells you she can't cause she's got plans with YOUR MOM. They would even discuss, in highly inappropriate detail, the finer points of sex. It's really plays with your mind when your girl does something in the bedroom that blows your mind (among other things ), and you realize that it is quite possible that she learned it from YOUR MOM. But loglookin, don't worry about your son. If it turns out you're right about the girl, then he'll wisen up sooner or later and the whole thing will be like a bad dream (unless she gets pregnant). Just tell him to wrap-it-up and have his fun with her. God knows he's been waiting long enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loglookin Posted June 11, 2004 Author Share Posted June 11, 2004 First of all I am not white trash! Secondly, the reason I mentioned my son is not real bright, is the fact he went through his school years in the disabled handicapped class. The school told us he is borderline. He is a well brought up son, good hearted, and a generally good decent person. My husband and I done the best job we could, and now because this girls parents didn't do their job, he will suffer because of his good naive nature! Now I don't want to turn this into defending myself, I am simply asking advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation. Link to post Share on other sites
She's Come Undone Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Yeah, lay off you 20 year olds!! If you can't open your mind to the many possibilities as to why this mother is concerned, don't open your MOUTHS!! BTW I'm 31, a mother, and I can understand, maybe not relate, to your concerns. I have already purchased my bat for all the girls...even though my son is only 5!! Link to post Share on other sites
Pyrannaste Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 loglooking, I understand your concerns. I'd be worried with someone whose parents have a criminal record. Yet I have a question for you.... if this girl were the same social class as you, his parents had clean record, would have you found her nice when you met her in person? Was she rude to you? Why exactly do you not allow her in the house anymore? People can be from a low social class, live in a small apartment, have bad families and still be nice and good hearted. Poor ladies are not always after guy's money. Poor people fall in love too. perhaps your son was okay with the cat in the apartment. Perhaps they both love animals. Does she take care of the cat? People who can take care of animals are often responsible. Many girls want a baby. had her fingernails done with my sons birthday money how did you know? Sounds just like your son gave her a present on *his* birthday. very generous of him. he got money, he spent some for his girlfriend. That's adorable. I'd love to hear more background..... apart from sounding like a gold-digger, and her family, what is wrong with her? What is she turned out not to be after your money? Link to post Share on other sites
Author loglookin Posted June 11, 2004 Author Share Posted June 11, 2004 She comes to meet us, and tells me her parents have known each other since they were 9. Her Mom had 5 kids by the time she was 22. This girl told me she just got out of a relationship, and lost a baby at 7 months. She told me 3 times all she wants is a baby. She told us she hates her home. When I told her not to come here to my home she got mad and said this was the fourth time this has happened. Apparently, other sons parents have felt this way towards her!!! She told my sister-in-law that she dropped her neice down steps when she was 2 weeks old, because her hands were full, and then made a comment that she never liked that kid anyway, then proceeds to laugh about it! (the child lived) Personally, I don't think this girl is all there! That is why I and my husband have asked her not to come back. My sister-in-law feels the same way, after talking to this girl a few times. My sister-in-law is the type to always give a person the benefit of the doubt, but she can't stand her either. Link to post Share on other sites
lexnmike4enomore Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 OK......im 20 and i may not know from a parents point of view but i can come from the 20 year old view. I would try everything possible to have my BF's parents like me. If shes not putting that same effort in (obviously she hasn't done anything to impress you while meeting you) than she really isn't worth your son. On the other hand at 24 your son show be making his own decisions and learn for himself. Unless she doesn't get pregnant and if thats what your afraid of than i would be acting the same way. if an accident were to happen, you wont be able to get rid of her and if you son isn't that bright, hes not bright enough to take care of a kid. But theres only so much you can do. Keep trying and tell him that if something serious were t happen you wont support him. (you will but scare him) say that this is the kind of girl that would do something that serious just to mooch off you and you afraid that she might do this to you. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 It doesn't matter how old your children are, a good parent never loses their natural instinct to want to protect their kids. They will always strive to make sure their kids are safe and happy...whether they're two or sixty-two. I'm getting the sense that you are still supporting your son financially in some way. If this is the case, I can certainly understand your heightened concern. If not, then as a fully independent adult, he has every right to make his own choices (and/or mistakes), so long as the consequences are his alone to deal with. As hard as it might be to look the other way, you'll have no choice but to bite the bullet on this for awhile. That doesn't mean you have to give him your blessings or welcome anyone into your home that you are not comfortable with. Yes...I've dealt with this situation before, but my daughter was fourteen and the boy with the criminal record was eighteen. I scared the h*ll outta him and eventually ran him off, but not without creating hard feelings between my daughter and I. Fortunately, she's grown up now and has not only forgiven me... but THANKED me!! Link to post Share on other sites
lexnmike4enomore Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 well said Link to post Share on other sites
einahpets Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 i sympathize with you. but your son is an adult and you need to let him breathe. how can you expect him to make good decisions in life when you want to make all his decisions for him? he has to make mistakes and learn from them. he is your son and he is your business, but his relationship with her is none of your business. he is an adult and you need to treat him as one. it kind of gives me the creeps the way you know about his sexual relationship, what he does with all his money and what her family past is. did you do a background check on her? i understand you are a concerned mother, but for godsakes he is an adult and you cannot shelter him anymore. the world is a horrible place but he needs to find that out for himself. yeah, we all get our hearts broken at one time or another but that is what shapes us as human beings. give your son your opinion (which you seem to have already done in abundance) and let him make his own decision. he is a big boy and all you can hope is for him to listen to your advise and make the decision that is right for him. i am sorry to say (i know mothers do not like hearing this) but he is not your baby anymore and you need to stop treating him as one. you are running the risk of alienating him. if you want him in your life let him live his own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loglookin Posted June 11, 2004 Author Share Posted June 11, 2004 The reason I know about his sex life, is because this dumb girl tells me!!!!! I think I may bite my tongue here for awhile, and pray, he comes to his senses!!! Thanks everybody! Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted June 12, 2004 Share Posted June 12, 2004 She told my sister-in-law that she dropped her neice down steps when she was 2 weeks old, because her hands were full, and then made a comment that she never liked that kid anyway, then proceeds to laugh about it! (the child lived) Are you sure this is true? I know you say your sister in law told you, but, would there be any reason for her to exaggerate or make it up entirely? I seriously don't imagine someone dropping an infant down the stairs and it not at least being seriously injured. So, was the child (that you say lived) injured, then? -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
anonn Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 This is like a two way thing. You are a mother. You are obviously afraid for your son. This girl could ruin your son's future. There are some mistakes in life that you can't take back and would ruin your life forever. So you are obviously don't want this to happen to your son. So you come here looking for an advice or a way to make this girl go away. You can't really do anything. This is your son's life. He will do whatever he wants. The girl could be manipulating your son very well but you still can't do anything about it. All you can do is talk to your son. Have a one on one talk. Talk in a low nice voice and don't be judgemental. Don't bad mouth the girl, he probably won't listen if you do that. Suggest to him that he should slow down. Don't take things too fast. Take it slow. He is still young adult, enjoy the young adult life. Don't plunge into making a family without any plans. Link to post Share on other sites
kirkyswife Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 Your son is an adult - if you question his ability to conduct himself accordingly I suppose you might want to look within to make sure that you did all that was within your reach/power to arm him with the necessary tools to afford him the ability of forming his own decisions. You are very judgmental and opinionated and your description of the girlfriend is based solely upon socio econmic conditions - you have said nothing of her character, her personality - have you sat down and spent a moment of your time trying to get to know her, she might have more to offer than just what's between her legs. Sounds to me like you need to cut the apron strings and let your son be man and get some business of your own. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 I can understand your concern and anxiety over this although I am not a parent. I also agree that this girl sounds like trouble and may be missing something mentally. I also do NOT agree with the posters who said your son will "wise up". He might, but he might not. People stay in horribly bad relationships all the time, or go back to horribly bad relationships over and over again, no matter what their age, background, social or economic status is. However, I do agree that there's not much you can do about it. You've told him how you feel, what your concerns are, and you have barred her from the house, which is your right. But, other than that, there really is not much you can do except try to find an outlet for your own anxiety over this and hope for the best. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
cherished Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 I think her financial background has A LOT to do with this Mother's opinion of her! Yes she probably wants a baby soon she just LOST a child at 7 months! What normal woman wouldn't feel loss and long to fill that void she has in her heart, life, and womb! Maybe she isn't your "choice" woman for him but come on who would be?? You say your son is borderline retarded (or slow) so I have to ask seriously...what type of woman would you want for him? Do you want him with someone who is equally as "slow" and who hasn't had a sexual past, someone who is from an OK to do family *not from a section 8 home* and someone who isn't mentally capable of "using" him?? I can almost bet he won't find someone like this and even if he did I bet there would be another reason why you wouldn't like her either! Maybe this girl AND your son have had such an emotional connection that she feels (and maybe be feels too) that they are ready to start a family. So what if she doesn't have money? Maybe he OFFERED to have her get her nails done, maybe she is ashamed to let him see where she lives because it isn't as nice of a house as your's. OR On the other side of this, the girl could be a total user sleeze who doesn't allow your son to drop her off at her house because she is with someone else and maybe she doesn't want him to find out. Maybe she thinks she can get what she can *money wise* from your son and get him to buy her things and all that because maybe she thinks he doesn't "know" any better. If she is like this the likelyhood she is reeling him in with sex is probably high, maybe she knows that since he hasn't been with anyone else that the better she makes him feel the more he will do for her. Also maybe she wants to have a baby so like someone else said she can keep him around or make him (or your family) pay child support and give her money "for the baby" She could be stringing him along and in the end he may end up broken hearted from her or worse maybe married, with kids he BELIEVES to be his rather or not they would be who knows with him supporting her and her sleeping around! Who knows how she really is, I doubt you'll ever know unless you give her a chance. The more you alienate her the more you'll push your son away and then you won't know what's going on with them! If you "tolerate" her or at least appear to then you can see how sincere or phony she is and how she treats him! If I were you I'd rather keep the enemy close!! Link to post Share on other sites
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