breaking up with somebody with Borderline Personality Disorder

[rn0408]

I just recently broke up with my ex who no doubt has Borderline Personality Disorder. If you think you are in a an abusive (emotionally, or physically) relationship. If you have that gut feeling..please look up on websites about Borderline Personality Disorder..you CAN'T HELP THEM OR CHANGE THEM.

 

 

Recently I broke up with my ex who showed her true colors after 5 months in a relationship. She then decided to contact my family members to get to me. She was a complete stalker.

 

During our relationship, she told me she would look at my facebook status and before we went out stalk my facebook, look for me at bars reading my status, and constantly text me while at work.

 

Recently, after our breakup, I told her in a text to move on and leave me alone. I requested all of my family members to delete her on facebook. They did and she contacted one of them.

 

I sent a email with basically stating "leave my family, friends, and myself alone FOREVER."

 

I made sure to tell her in a email she is at serious risk of hurting herself and needs to talk to somebody

 

By doing this, not only are you showing them you are not in control of them anymore, but it will completely drive them nuts. If they dare contact you again..contact authorities.

 

 

People..do not take that crap! Truth Serum (aka alcohol), and talking to a counselor will prove they are whack jobs...RUN FAR AWAY!

[BewitchedandBothered]

I do believe my ex has this. it took 5 months also, for his odd and abusive behavior to show. He played a lot of head games with me and became verbally abusive. He also would inbox my male friends and ask them how they know me, etc. He threatened me to not put pictures of us up, said he is private and that needs to be respected. The relationship got worse and worse and he said "i am done with you"---an hour later he said "why must we fight, would you like to go to dinner with me? Love your profile pic; beautiful."

 

He did this much of the time, was paranoid, too. His ex wife said she felt he is bipolar and she left him because of his erratic moods and behaviors.

 

He would blow up my phone and inbox with texts and emails and i told him to leave me alone, do not ever contact me. He still contacted me to start arguments and would say very deeply cruel things to provoke me.

 

Eventually, I learned the best thing to do was to never respond again. he finally left me alone; his last text was in August. He is with someone new, now.

[Diamonds&Rust]

I'm sorry you experienced that. A restraining order may help.

 

On the other hand, a person with a personality disorder is still a person. They deserve love, respect, and understanding. Your belief that they are beyond help is not shared by many mental health practitioners, though it is a challenging diagnosis to work with.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I'm sorry you experienced that. A restraining order may help.

 

On the other hand, a person with a personality disorder is still a person. They deserve love, respect, and understanding. Your belief that they are beyond help is not shared by many mental health practitioners, though it is a challenging diagnosis to work with.

 

Some are beyond help and some can be helped. What the OP is saying is why should we tolerate that behavior? Any way you look at it, it is ABUSE. I would warn people to not get hooked up with people like this; they will suffer for it. Can't deal with a Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde thing and that is also in the female sense. the OP has my complete sympathy and I can totally and utterly relate. We have to pick up the pieces from that mess and they get to go on doing this to others. They make a huge mess of things in your life and leave==lots of damage done. Wondering if you have walked in our shoes regarding this?

[Diamonds&Rust]

Some are beyond help and some can be helped.

I think everyone can be helped, but I see what you're saying. Still, there are therapists and psychiatrists who specialize in working with BPD and other forms of treatment-resistant mental illness.

Wondering if you have walked in our shoes regarding this?

Are you asking if I've dated someone with a personality disorder?

 

To be sure, no one should put up with abuse. All I'm saying is that more stigma is the last thing mentally-ill folk needs. I'm concerned only with the sentiment that people with this disorder should not be in a relationship, which I find harmful.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I think everyone can be helped, but I see what you're saying. Still, there are therapists and psychiatrists who specialize in working with BPD and other forms of treatment-resistant mental illness.

 

Are you asking if I've dated someone with a personality disorder?

 

To be sure, no one should put up with abuse. All I'm saying is that more stigma is the last thing mentally-ill folk needs. I'm concerned only with the sentiment that people with this disorder should not be in a relationship, which I find harmful.

 

I should clarify that there are people with this disorder that don't think they need any help and go on abusing. some of us get caught up in it and put the pieces together when it's too late--we are already in deep. I have no sympathy for this type of person. None. People like this should NOT be in a relationship if they are going to hurt people with their behavior. However..if they are getting help/taking necessary meds, that's a different ball game.

[Diamonds&Rust]

I should clarify that there are people with this disorder that don't think they need any help

That probably describes most people with that disorder, actually.

I have no sympathy for this type of person. None.

That also probably describes most people's reactions to people with that disorder. In another day and age, borderline people would just be called buttholes.

People like this should NOT be in a relationship if they are going to hurt people with their behavior.

That's the only part we disagree on. Mentally ill folk deserve relationships also; in fact, relationships are crucial to healing. We agree that you need not enable abuse by staying just for the heck of it, but I strongly disagree that people should be excluded from relationships because of any mental health diagnosis.

 

Your point about hurting people with their behavior is well-taken, but if that alone were the only prerequisite for denying people access to a relationship, very few human beings would ever be in a relationship.

Edited March 17, 2012 by Diamonds&Rust
I guess you can't say *******.

[carhill]

IME, quick, clean and black-hole NC is the healthiest way. Make like a hole in the water.

[BewitchedandBothered]

That probably describes most people with that disorder, actually.

That also probably describes most people's reactions to people with that disorder. In another day and age, borderline people would just be called buttholes.

That's the only part we disagree on. Mentally ill folk deserve relationships also; in fact, relationships are crucial to healing. We agree that you need not enable abuse by staying just for the heck of it, but I strongly disagree that people should be excluded from relationships because of any mental health diagnosis.

 

Your point about hurting people with their behavior is well-taken, but if that alone were the only prerequisite for denying people access to a relationship, very few human beings would ever be in a relationship.

 

why reward bad behavior???

[rn0408]

In my warning paragraph email (This is after a text message I told her to move on):

 

-I caught her in a mind game in my first paragraph and called her out. Messing with somebody who is much better in mind games and know hows to play games is not a good idea. I used to be childish and have changed for the better. I have never done that since freshmen year of high school and I am a college graduate now after 3 years.

 

-I basically stated that I was in a controlling, abusive, and manipulative relationship. I told her that "that is not love."

 

-by stating leave my "family, friends, and myself alone FOREVER," it Is probably going to get her to go nuts and lose it but I don't feel bad.

 

 

Of all the hurt she caused me, I can careless now and have moved on. If she tells me "I'm going to kill myself," I will say go right ahead.

[BewitchedandBothered]

In my warning paragraph email (This is after a text message I told her to move on):

 

-I caught her in a mind game in my first paragraph and called her out. Messing with somebody who is much better in mind games and know hows to play games is not a good idea. I used to be childish and have changed for the better. I have never done that since freshmen year of high school and I am a college graduate now after 3 years.

 

-I basically stated that I was in a controlling, abusive, and manipulative relationship. I told her that "that is not love."

 

-by stating leave my "family, friends, and myself alone FOREVER," it Is probably going to get her to go nuts and lose it but I don't feel bad.

 

 

Of all the hurt she caused me, I can careless now and have moved on. If she tells me "I'm going to kill myself," I will say go right ahead.

 

My first b/f many, many moons ago was also the way you described. He and I were arguing on the phone and he said he was going to kill himself. I was weary of his drama and attention-getting ways, so I said "fine, go ahead; I'll wait". He said "well. I don't have time!!" and hung up. LOL that was that.

 

Many many moons later, we are Facebook friends--in his bio, he admits he has issues and takes meds to keep it in check, but life isn't easy. at least he admits there were issues. Also, I shudder to think what my life would be like had I married this guy. Life would be miserable--dodged a bullet.

 

why people like this cross our paths, I will never know.

[KathyM]

I'm actually studying about Borderline Personality Disorder for a class I'm taking now. Here is how it is described in the Diagnostic Manual:

 

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts as indicated by five or more of the following:

 

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. (This is called "splitting", which involves rapidly going from loving you one minute or thinking you're the greatest, to hating you the next, or thinking you are worthless).

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

6. Affective (mood) instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability,or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

 

This type of disorder is extremely hard to treat. It is pervasive, and is deeply imbedded in their personality. Treatment outcome is very poor for this type of person. While some specific forms of therapy have some success in improving some of the symptoms, the person is not going to become normal. This is who they are. Freud believed that BPD is caused from the person losing an important caregiver in their childhood, or having a mother who emotionally abandoned them during their childhood. People with BPD are not able to have a normal relationship with someone. They continually fluctuate towards psychotic and neurotic states.

[MarlaOryx]

As someone who has been diagnosed with BPD over 20 yrs ago, I am deeply saddened when I read threads like this one. There is a huge stigma around all mental illness, and it's so sad that an individual is reduced to a label.

 

Granted, many people with this diagnosis or others are abusive jerks. Then again, many people who aren't diagnosed are abusive jerks, too.

 

Although I have some symptoms that fit the BPD criteria, it is not my disorder that caused my last relationship to end. As far as "unstable" relationships, I've been happily married for 13 years. We opened our marriage 6 years ago, and continue to grow closer, more intimate, and more in love.

 

My recent breakup was with a man who was not diagnosed with BPD, and he has had 40 relationships in 14 years, 80 lovers total. But it's me who's slapped with the "unstable" relationship label. Suddenly, my diagnosis becomes the reason for everything that goes even a little wrong.

 

Sure I have abandonment fears. So do most people. And if it's not abandonment, then it's commitment fears or engulfment fears.

 

Bottom line, everyone has issues. EVERYONE. The difference is if they are 1) aware of their issues, 2) accept their issues, and 3) actively working on their issues.

 

Perhaps it's time to stop pathologizing everything...and just take responsibility for our own actions, emotions, and self-growth.

[rn0408]

As someone who has been diagnosed with BPD over 20 yrs ago, I am deeply saddened when I read threads like this one. There is a huge stigma around all mental illness, and it's so sad that an individual is reduced to a label.

 

Granted, many people with this diagnosis or others are abusive jerks. Then again, many people who aren't diagnosed are abusive jerks, too.

 

Although I have some symptoms that fit the BPD criteria, it is not my disorder that caused my last relationship to end. As far as "unstable" relationships, I've been happily married for 13 years. We opened our marriage 6 years ago, and continue to grow closer, more intimate, and more in love.

 

My recent breakup was with a man who was not diagnosed with BPD, and he has had 40 relationships in 14 years, 80 lovers total. But it's me who's slapped with the "unstable" relationship label. Suddenly, my diagnosis becomes the reason for everything that goes even a little wrong.

 

Sure I have abandonment fears. So do most people. And if it's not abandonment, then it's commitment fears or engulfment fears.

 

Bottom line, everyone has issues. EVERYONE. The difference is if they are 1) aware of their issues, 2) accept their issues, and 3) actively working on their issues.

 

Perhaps it's time to stop pathologizing everything...and just take responsibility for our own actions, emotions, and self-growth.

 

Well, you know what you have to do and get help. I offered to talk to her one time on the phone or in person to have her get help after the break up. I told her she needs to get help. She is a huge threat to people and herself. She wanted to go to couples therapy but I refused after a huge arguement and I cut her off.

 

She tried to play mind games and it was killing her I was happier not with her and moved on. I texted her to move on and then she started contacting my family. My cousin forgot to delete her on facebook and she was trying to get to me and started posting on her wall so I could see it.

 

I gave her terms and even was possibly going to offer to be with her in therapy for support. I have compassion for human life, nature, and treat girls like royalty. After that I told her "do not contact me forver or my family or friends" other than getting help.

 

People with BPD target very nice and compassionate people.

 

I hope you can get better. I know you are a great person MarlaOryx. Seriously all of us are here for your support and you can break the chains! Feel free to pm me anytime.

[MarlaOryx]

I can't PM you yet. I'm still too new.

 

I have been actively working on my issues for well over a decade now. I'm actually recovered from BPD because of my work, therapy, and DBT. I have never targeted anyone, and although a lot of people with BPD do, I've had more than one therapists over the past 20 years tell me that they don't understand why I have that label, as I'm not a typical BPD.

 

Mind games are not cool. Not ever. Is she young? I may have done that stuff in my 20s, but not now. Not even a little bit.

 

There is a great book called "The Buddha and the Borderline" that might help anyone interested understand this very misunderstood and stigmatized disorder.

Edited March 19, 2012 by MarlaOryx

[rn0408]

I'm actually studying about Borderline Personality Disorder for a class I'm taking now. Here is how it is described in the Diagnostic Manual:

 

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts as indicated by five or more of the following:

 

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. (This is called "splitting", which involves rapidly going from loving you one minute or thinking you're the greatest, to hating you the next, or thinking you are worthless).

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

6. Affective (mood) instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability,or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

 

This type of disorder is extremely hard to treat. It is pervasive, and is deeply imbedded in their personality. Treatment outcome is very poor for this type of person. While some specific forms of therapy have some success in improving some of the symptoms, the person is not going to become normal. This is who they are. Freud believed that BPD is caused from the person losing an important caregiver in their childhood, or having a mother who emotionally abandoned them during their childhood. People with BPD are not able to have a normal relationship with someone. They continually fluctuate towards psychotic and neurotic states.

 

I'm telling you. Getting out of this relationship that was bad with somebody who I am 100% positive (and my therapist thinks) has BPD has never given me so much confidence in myself before. It took a lot of strong will, emotion, and strength to get out.

 

I honestly do miss cuddling with her, scratching her back real slow, late night talks with her, kissing her back while cuddling (shirt off), and spending weekends with her. I worked out with her, helped her get ready for work on weekdays I would spend, went grocery shopping with her to keep her company, went over there and spent the night after a rough day at work. I treated her like royalty..well the next GF will get the same royal treatment. She took me for granted. I moved on and am not in rebound mode.

 

She showed her true colors and I had to get out. She would get mad after I spent friday, sat, and sunday with her and then leave Sunday night. I told her constantly I had to brush up on a paper to finish. I caught on she is manipulating her roomate who is a very passive pushover and her roomates BF who is a big pushover. The red flags were flying everywhere. I honestly thought her family was joking calling her "the problem child," at age 26. She has a destructive path and was very toxic to me.