Terrorblade Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 Hi guys.. I was reading posts and saw that you give excellent advice, so here I am I was going out with a girl for the last 3 years (both of us are 21).. It was the first relationship for the both of us. We had a few ups and downs, but we got through easily (BTW no cheating or abuse whatsoever). I am slightly introvert, and do not like to party a lot, but I do love her with all my heart. Throughout these three years, I have always been there for her when she needed me. Fast forward to January.. She and I had a small fight and she stopped talking to me. I tried to apologise - I sent her chocolates, and her favourite pizza (she is a big big foodie) but it just didn't help. She didn't even meet me, and continued to give me silent treatment. A few days later, she told me that she already had feelings for another guy whom she met at a party (within the week of our breakup). I was heartbroken, because she had always been sweet and innocent and I never expected anything like this from her, and I cried and I cried, and I begged her to give me another chance. She didn't listen to anything I said and stopped taking my calls after that. Whenever I used to bring up the topic of getting back together, she would say that she didn't love me anymore, and that her feelings for this new guy were getting stronger and stronger. This was really shocking, because a few days before she had been telling me what a nice person I was, and how much she loved me. And the guy is not into her ATM. He is, like my complete opposite. He parties hard all the time, does not have a steady career or anything, and has not been serious about any of his girfriends. He even told my ex to stop contacting him, and was really angry at her. Still, my ex is showing me that she is head over heels in love with him, and she looks at me as a friend and nothing else. What hurts me the most is that she is ready to let go of a 3 year old relationship and a guy who really cares for her, for a guy whom she hardly knows and is infatuated with. Right now I am in week 1 of NC. She did call me once or twice, asking for favours (oh yeah, she said once that she expected me to love her "unconditionally", and basically from the looks of things I was like her back - up plan or something) and about getting her stuff back.She has blocked me from facebook, and told me that it is over for good. The only concrete reason I got out of her was that she had feelings for someone else (the rest was BS and made up, I never gave her a reason to be angry with me). What should I be doing? I really love her and want her back ( Link to post Share on other sites
nick d Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 G.I.G.S.!! Search that phrase (search for the thread) Sorry to tell you but if you want her back, it will be a while Sorry man. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 Youre not getting her back, she is 21 and got tired of your relationship. She wants to play the field, and she got tired of everything about you probably. This is typical of girls her age. Her tastes changed and she isnt attracted to who you are anymore, she is in the middle of changing her personality probably and will not see you as attractive anymore. Your best bet is to change yourself, better yourself, and find women who arent like her, or better. She doesnt need you now, you need to not need her. As far as her getting her stuff back, well she wont ever want to date you again, so you can ignore her calls, and toss her stuff in the trash. You can ignore her because no matter what she says, or how many times she contacts you, she will never be truly in love with you again, and probably wont entertain the thought of dating you again. Thats how it works. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrorblade Posted March 16, 2012 Author Share Posted March 16, 2012 (edited) Hi, Thanks for the answers. She never gave me the impression that she was tired with me or anything... I do agree with the GIGS thing, though. She and I were always planning stuff to do, and she is very open with me - she would have told me if things weren't working out. And yeah, I did treat her right throughout.. Should I keep my hopes up? Edited March 16, 2012 by Terrorblade Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 Hi, Thanks for the answers. She never gave me the impression that she was tired with me or anything... I do agree with the GIGS thing, though. She and I were always planning stuff to do, and she is very open with me - she would have told me if things weren't working out. And yeah, I did treat her right throughout.. Should I keep my hopes up? Nope, wrong on all counts. People become great liars when they are planning to break it off with you. When you read around this board, you will find that most people plan to break it off with you months in advance, and keep you thinking everything is fine. She didnt give you the impression so that she can keep you with her until she nailed down someone else to date, so she wouldnt be alone. She has her reasons for breaking up with you, but she fell out of love with you long ago. She didnt tell you anything was wrong, because she didnt want you fighting for a relationship that she knew she no longer wanted to invest in. She wanted out, and she didnt want to work on it. Everyone thinks their dumper would be honest with them, but they all lie when they want out. She is a different person now, and you cant keep your hopes up. Women generally dont move backwards like that. Since she is 21, it most likely isnt GIGS. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 She's made it clear the relationship is over. Begging and pleading is not going to get her back. Unfortunately, if someone screws up, they often don't get another chance to make it right. You had a fight with her, and it sounds like it was enough of a dealbreaker for her to put an end to the relationship. Oftentimes, it only takes one bad argument or fight to break up an uncommited relationship. If you were unreasonable, explosive, disrespectful, or downright mean in that argument, chances are she saw a side of you that she's not willing to put up with. I guess you learned the hard way that you can't be out of control like that if you want to preserve a relationship. All it takes is one bad fight, and that could mean the end of a relationship if there is no commitment. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Scorpio Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 Sorry to say it, but welcome to the club friend. Now you know what all those sappy love songs/novels/movies/poems are all about. Give yourself time to heal: spend some time in bed if you feel the need to, drink some whiskey, hit the gym, get a new haircut, buy some new clothes, learn a new skill, discover some new recipes. Rinse. Repeat. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatDudeXO Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 Hey man, I'm there with you in the exact same situation. My ex lied her ass off and gave a bunch of BS reasons for a breakup, except in my situation she says there isn't someone else but she's chasing her career. She just changed as a person and is no longer attracted to me, even though I was by far the best man she's ad in her life. You just need to let her go and don't expect her to come back. Just better yourself and make yourself more attractive. She isn't thinking about getting you back right now because her new personality has a completely different taste in men. It could be the "Grass Is Greener Syndrome" and she thinks she could do better but I personally think she's just changed, which is very common at that age. 1. Accept that she's gone. 2. Lose hope of reconciliation. (Ironicially that's your best chance of getting her back) 3. She's just your first love, there will be more. Right now, my ex is my everything because she is my first love but I know those feelings are majorly exaggerated because she's my ONLY love SO FAR. Find someone else more suited for you and you will laugh at this situation in the future! Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 Congratulations! A dumb, stupid, fake, lying and poser ass bitch just removed herself from your life to chase someone who doesn't give a **** about her. Guess what, she had probably met and ****ed that guy long before you guys fought. Cheaters pick fights to have an excuse to "run away" to the OM. They think like this: "It's not my fault I'm cheating he made me do it." Pathetic behavior. It hurts, it sucks, you loved her I KNOW. Me too. You're free now and you can go chase better women who are not full of ****. Read your ass off, take time to yourself and get the **** back out there buddy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrorblade Posted April 12, 2012 Author Share Posted April 12, 2012 Bump, Bump! Thanks for the excellent advice. I have been NC for the last 1.5 months now. She used to call me once a week "just to know what I'm doing" but I told her to stop doing that, because obviously it hasn't helped me heal. I've been hitting the gym, and going out with a couple of girls, so my confidence is back. I am actually starting to feel better about myself. I do have the occasional pangs of loneliness and stuff, but I am feeling better every day. So now, a couple of days back, she called me up at 2.30 am. I did not pick it up. She called again the next day (twice) and I ignored it as well. Then she called me at 4.30 am, and I picked it up because I was half asleep. She was crying, and telling me how much the other guy's behavior is hurting her (the guy she left me for). I didn't say anything, just told her to relax. Why is she doing this? I made it clear that we're no longer friends. I told her to stop calling me, but still she is. She called up yesterday and wanted to know if I was dating anyone. Why do this? Link to post Share on other sites
LasVegasGuy Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Seeing if you are still interested, if you are still open, my guess is that the new guy is not showing her much attention or she is starting to see his new color, and therefore now making sure she still has her receipt (YOU) in case she might need a exchange. Trust me, I been through this twice and fail for the same lies twice, samething happened, been on loveshack since 2006 and have seem thousands of threads on the same topic. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatDudeXO Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 You did the right thing. She dumped you and that's her mistake she has to deal with. Her loss. Just don't give in my friend. I'm in the exact same healing process as you, feeling the same way you are...I just wish I had the courage to implement NC as early as you did. Link to post Share on other sites
LasVegasGuy Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 Nc is your best friend, it's the only way to protect yourself from any further damage, having in contact only opens up old wounds and NEW ones. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrorblade Posted April 18, 2012 Author Share Posted April 18, 2012 Thanks for your insight! And ThatDudeXO, it wasn't courage that led me to initiate NC.... I knew that I had treated her right, and I deserve to be treated right in return. And NC actually gets better after a few weeks.....You become a person who knows all about your relationship, and yet gives it an unbiased view. The dumpees tend to glorify the dumpers, but in reality we are all the same. A few weeks later, I did realise that she was not the angel I thought her to be - she stopped being that when she took my good qualities for granted and left me for another guy. Now, I'm facing a little bit of a dilemma.. I met this girl a few weeks ago. She and I have become very good friends, and she is a really amazing person. She admires me, and appreciates all my good qualities (I am good looking and caring, but my ex never used to say "You look good today" or "you look really cute" or "I love you for what you did for me"). She's very sweet and nice..... but the problem is that I have something like a barrier around my heart now, that is not allowing me to feel anything. I don't want to rush in any relationship now, because it is not going to be healthy for the girl, or for me. Have any of you been in such a situation? Should I tell this girl that I like her (that I'm interested in something more than friendship) or should I wait a bit? In any case, I'm not getting into another relationship for a couple of months.. I'm really confused about what to do with the new girl.. Link to post Share on other sites
cincinnatikid Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 ..and she won't be your last either. Link to post Share on other sites
offcloudnine Posted April 21, 2012 Share Posted April 21, 2012 Wow Terrorblade, I'm in a very very similar situation as you. I was with my ex for 3 years, and shortly after she left me, she got together with a new guy who she admits to have been a rebound or due to infatuation. Unfortunately I haven't been as strong with NC and make contact with her every other day, and it's been tough. Sometimes she calls me up late at night 1-2am or later and tells me that she's feeling emotional and depressed, but aside from those times she tells me she loves the new guy very much and it's true love, etc. and that she wants me just as a friend. It's heartbreaking to hear her say that to me, especially with the mixed signals, I honestly feel that my ex is still confused, but I can't say for sure about your ex without knowing more about you two and your relationship. Almost 2 months has past for me since the break up and I'm still very much heartbroken about it and want her back, but I've told her that we can't remain friends and I fear that may have burned the bridge to reconciliation in the future. The other posters are right though, and I think you have a good grasp of it, we treated our exes well the whole time, and did right by them, but they chose to give that up and pursue a relationship with someone they don't know completely, a few days after breaking up. It's really their loss, but at the same time we lose the same if not more because our dreams were shattered. I don't know how I will begin to move on, but I hope you find your way there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrorblade Posted April 21, 2012 Author Share Posted April 21, 2012 Hi offcloudnine, I feel your pain, because I'm in the same frame of mind right now. My ex went so far as to admit that whatever we had for those three years wasn't love, and she wanted to "explore the feeling further". I told her from day 1 that I could not be friends with her, and my resolve strengthened when I thought about how she treated me - in spite of the fact that I was always there for her during her tough times. It's tough, I agree - I spent days thinking "I'm not good enough" or "Maybe I didn't love her enough" - and it is in times like this that NC is useful. I haven't been dating, but yeah I've made a few women friends. All of them are very appreciative and keep on reminding me how awesome I am (kind of over the top, yeah, but makes me feel better). Their genuine compliments are something which I never got from my ex - which makes me feel that she took many of my qualities for granted! And yeah, there is no quick fix for the pain that we have..... it may sound cliched but time is the best healer. LS is a good place to vent and learn from people who have been through similar situations. Do get in touch if you ever want to talk! All the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrorblade Posted April 21, 2012 Author Share Posted April 21, 2012 You did the right thing by breaking that "friend" connection. In my opinion, a friend is a person whom a woman likes but doesn't want to have sex with. Being friends almost NEVER brings back an ex - it only gives you the false happiness of having them in your life. The moment she leaves you for good, all the negative feelings will come back and you will never heal. One of my friends had a cheting boyfriend who came back within 6 months.... she took him back but they broke up again. Unfortunately, she chose to remain in contact and she still has not gotten over him - it's been 3 years. Link to post Share on other sites
rob_h Posted April 21, 2012 Share Posted April 21, 2012 Thanks for your insight! And ThatDudeXO, it wasn't courage that led me to initiate NC.... I knew that I had treated her right, and I deserve to be treated right in return. And NC actually gets better after a few weeks.....You become a person who knows all about your relationship, and yet gives it an unbiased view. The dumpees tend to glorify the dumpers, but in reality we are all the same. A few weeks later, I did realise that she was not the angel I thought her to be - she stopped being that when she took my good qualities for granted and left me for another guy. Now, I'm facing a little bit of a dilemma.. I met this girl a few weeks ago. She and I have become very good friends, and she is a really amazing person. She admires me, and appreciates all my good qualities (I am good looking and caring, but my ex never used to say "You look good today" or "you look really cute" or "I love you for what you did for me"). She's very sweet and nice..... but the problem is that I have something like a barrier around my heart now, that is not allowing me to feel anything. I don't want to rush in any relationship now, because it is not going to be healthy for the girl, or for me. Have any of you been in such a situation? Should I tell this girl that I like her (that I'm interested in something more than friendship) or should I wait a bit? In any case, I'm not getting into another relationship for a couple of months.. I'm really confused about what to do with the new girl.. Tell the new chick exactly what your situations is... The best thing for her to do is to be able to choose to walk away if she wishes. You do not want to string her along and hurt her because of your "numbness". If she chooses to stay and start something with you and if you still want it and think about it for the next few months, there's not much harm in casually dating and seeing where it leads. Link to post Share on other sites
NateC Posted April 21, 2012 Share Posted April 21, 2012 Thanks for your insight! And ThatDudeXO, it wasn't courage that led me to initiate NC.... I knew that I had treated her right, and I deserve to be treated right in return. And NC actually gets better after a few weeks.....You become a person who knows all about your relationship, and yet gives it an unbiased view. The dumpees tend to glorify the dumpers, but in reality we are all the same. A few weeks later, I did realise that she was not the angel I thought her to be - she stopped being that when she took my good qualities for granted and left me for another guy. Now, I'm facing a little bit of a dilemma.. I met this girl a few weeks ago. She and I have become very good friends, and she is a really amazing person. She admires me, and appreciates all my good qualities (I am good looking and caring, but my ex never used to say "You look good today" or "you look really cute" or "I love you for what you did for me"). She's very sweet and nice..... but the problem is that I have something like a barrier around my heart now, that is not allowing me to feel anything. I don't want to rush in any relationship now, because it is not going to be healthy for the girl, or for me. Have any of you been in such a situation? Should I tell this girl that I like her (that I'm interested in something more than friendship) or should I wait a bit? In any case, I'm not getting into another relationship for a couple of months.. I'm really confused about what to do with the new girl.. It wouldn't hurt to go for it...seems like you may have found someone better already! Just don't lie about your feelings and tell her what's on your mind. Does she know you've recently left a relationship? Will she still be there for you even if you want to take things slow? Those are important questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrorblade Posted April 21, 2012 Author Share Posted April 21, 2012 Thanks everyone, Yeah, she knew everything... I told her after a couple of meetings. As I stated earlier, I would never EVER string her along. She wants me to take my time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrorblade Posted April 22, 2012 Author Share Posted April 22, 2012 Another query... I have blocked her on FB... and I don't talk to her if I don't feel like it. Should I acknowledge her calls and ask her what she wants, or just ignore her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrorblade Posted April 23, 2012 Author Share Posted April 23, 2012 She called me a couple of times and I did not respond. I texted her and she said that she's missing me... What to do now? I've not ruled out getting back together, but I want to take things slow. What should I reply? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Terrorblade Posted April 27, 2012 Author Share Posted April 27, 2012 Anyone? What should I say when she says she's sad, or she misses me? Link to post Share on other sites
dandan89 Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 I think I would (this is me personally by the way!) text her back saying seriously!? What's changed and why are you telling me this!? Are you trying to hurt me!? But I suppose you wouldn't get a straight answer so there's probably no point but that's what I'd do anyway lol Link to post Share on other sites
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