things went from bad to worse, now he might want to end it.

[mandy may]

i guess he has been holding alot in for quite a while now and it is all coming out now becaue of this college get together.

he said that he has given himself up because he did not want me to have a cow and pout when he wanted to do things

with his friends or family or alone. so over the last few years i have grown accustomed to him being with me all the time and

everything we did we did together and i know couples that love that way of life and i never new he was so unhappy till now.

my heart is just aching a way because of all this. he said he cannot spend the next 60 years this way and something needs to be

immediately or it is gonig to be over.

 

 

because of my hangups and insecurites i am now placed in a position to basically do what he wants or let him do what he wants so he can get "some self back" as he put it. i do not know what to do now. i feel like an old shoe who is about to be tossed out because this is his house and i would obviously have to leave and i have basically no where to go anyways but nonetheless that is what i would have to do. even if i go to counseling for my problems of social phobia or what ever he calls it that he claims i have that means i have to either do things that i do not want to do, or let him do all these things without me or it is over. seems like some bad nightmare ultimatium and i am just so lost. it also seems that if i give in and do what he wants me to do, that i am losing myself next, or that i am kissing his butt, or bowing down to his threats and commands or i have to leave. does anyone understand what is going on here? i so need some help! i am feeling so scared inside. it is so easy to sit here and be mad at him when he is mad at me, and to think of leaving him, but it is such another thing for him to want to end our relationship, that scares me because honestly i never ever thought he would feel that way, now i'm so torn, and maybe i should just leave, i'll find somewhere to go, but i should leave so he can "get some self back". i would be doing him a favor i guess, then i wont have to put myself through all this other stuff either.

 

you know i have also put up with a lot of his stuff too, so that is another thing that i feel cheated because as many times as i almost walked out on him but did not because the pain was too unbearable, but i stuck it out with him and now to feel so thrown away because of the way i am i feel this is so unfari.

[easylover]

I think that as women, we often get so absorbed so quickly and easily into our man's lives that we lose ourselves in the process and then when they pull back for space, we feel cheated. Well, it is our own fault that we don't maintain our friends and our own life going on outside the relationship. You need to get busy and he will come running after you. Men are like rubberbands, they get real close and then snap away, but they always snap back to you. Give him space and take care of YOU.

[miz_barby]

i have to either do things that i do not want to do, or let him do all these things without me or it is over.

 

Okay I can understand if you have a "social phobia" because I used to suffer from the same thing. But you won't be doing these things alone! He will be there by your side! It would be different if he didn't want to "include" you in his life, if he wanted to go out and do things all alone without you but he's asking you to join him, be a part of his life outside your relationship!

Social Phobia is a hard hard thing to get over but it gets easier the more you go out and the more you interract with other people the easier it gets and the more self confident you begin to feel.

I hope you can work this out because it would be sad to lose a relationship (IF OTHERWISE IT IS HEALTHY AND OTHERWISE YOU ARE HAPPY EXCEPT THIS ONE ISSUE) then maybe trying to have him help you work through this would be good. If he knows it is hard for you and sticks by yourside when you go out then maybe it'll get better but if he is a douche bag about it and tries to rush you into things you are totally uncomfortable with then I say move on and work on these issues alone! Either way I wish you the best!

[mandy may]

you know a long time ago we borrowed these john gray tape from his brother and we watched every single one of them and yes they did say exactly that about men being like rubber bands and living in their caves so to speak, ie, news papers, sports, golfing, things us women in their lives are not privvy too. i will have to remember that again and try to give him his space.

 

as for the other part, there are some things he want to recocncile doing again with his male friends, maybe in need of some male bonding. he has not excluded me completely from doing these things with him per se, but that he wants to do them out of the blue is what has me frazzed. i now feel that i literally have to perform, or it is over. our relationship is great otherwise, i think anyways because i had thought it was fine anyways but now to find he has been unhappy in this area who knows about other areas, and he has not said so.

this all came out the other day because he wanted to go to a party with some snobby friends i had met a few years back and i do not like or care for them one bit.

 

i received very nice replies on it and was suggested to go anyway and go for myself and when i asked him about it again he said to "forget about it now", yes he was mad about it still and is still throwing it up at me, that and that he had called an old college friend (female) about this upcoming party before he had even asked me about it or told me anything about it then i got doubly upset and yes jealous even though i know the woman he called he has no interest in what so ever. i hate change, i really do, and this is all changing so rapidly right now my head is spinning and on top of all that i feel such pressure to do all these things now that he wants me to do with him or without him. even if it is going golfing with his ole buddies, it is so hard to give in and just say "honey, go and have fun" and mean it and let him go, instead my first inclination is to pout and feel insecure and threatened by it that he does not want to be with me instead and teach me how to golf, or he wants to spend time away from me period, that hurts too as i want to be with him and i want him to feel the same way.

 

i do not know what else to do. he would be there with me in the situations but the face still remains that now if i do them for him, i feel that i have given in to him and am kissing his ass, and i do not think i should be feeling that way, should i?

like something is stuck in my head that wont let me give in and be what i want and need to be and do for him. it's all so new and foreighn and scary. i feel so lost inside.

[mandy may]

another way i see it is that if i give in then i am being submissive and i hate that thought!

[tiger_nip]

comprimise doesn't equal submissive.

 

I can somewhat relate to him. I'm sure you love your man but don't make him feel like your whole world revolves around him. No one likes that kind of pressure. Step back relax, give him some space. If he wants to leave you he'll do so anyway. Being possesive won't help. good luck

[mandy may]

you know i never even thought of it as compromise! what a novel concept! thank you!

i told him how bad my social anxiety and social skills are he said he never noticed, that i

must cover them up very well and i do. he said he is willing to pay for what ever it might

take to get me through this. i called this counseling place today and am now waiting for

someone ANYONE to call me back! thanks for the help and support everybody, now if anyone

has any ideas on anxiety (social) and communication skills i would be great to go!