Love letter to an ex

[rootless]

That's because you edited your post and the forum wouldn't allow me to edit mine. Also many people who study the science of love are women too. You act as though your relatively small amount of experience in the grand scheme of all the relationships ever makes you know more than everyone.

 

I would still love her but not in the same way because the relationship would not be a fulfilling romantic relationship due to a lack of sexual and intimate drive

 

I'm not trying to pounce on you, but I'm a little confused as to why you feel the need to be so antagonistic.

 

You asked for help.

 

People offered you their advice.

 

Seems kinda weird to dump on one someone for making an effort to meet your request, especially when they had no obligation to.

 

If you think the advice you're getting is crap -- ignore it.

No skin off anyone's teeth.

 

But it just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to go after someone who was only trying to help you out.

 

You're totally free to disregard their opinion.

 

But it comes off as pretty snotty and ungrateful to backbite a person who was kind enough to listen to your story and respond.

 

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, because you're probably revved up and hurting right now-- but that's a pretty jerky thing to do.

 

I'll say this a gently as I know how-- that wasn't a moment you should be proud of.

 

You might want to apologize.

Edited March 17, 2012 by rootless
me spell gud

[ThoughtfulRaven]

I'm not trying to pounce on you, but I'm a little confused as to why you feel the need to be so antagonistic.

 

You asked for help.

 

People offered you their advice.

 

Seems kinda weird to dump on one someone for making an effort to meet your request, especially when they had no obligation to.

 

If you think the advice you're getting is crap -- ignore it.

No skin off anyone's teeth.

 

But it just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to go after someone who was only trying to help you out.

 

You're totally free to disregard their opinion.

 

But it comes off as pretty snotty and ungrateful to backbite a person who was kind enough to listen to your story and respond.

 

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, because you're probably revved up and hurting right now-- but that's a pretty jerky thing to do.

 

I'll say this a gently as I know how-- that wasn't a moment you should be proud of.

 

You might want to apologize.

 

I have said multiple times that I appreciate the advice about the letter.

 

What I don't appreciate is people questioning my ability to understand either my own emotions or the motives of those I am close to. I am not being antagonistic, I am being defensive.

 

It is even more annoying when the people calling me ignorant are guilty of the same fault. I mean what kind of rational adult tries to argue that physical attraction is not a part of love?

 

Anyway, thank you for trying to help

[ThoughtfulRaven]

Then that makes you incredibly shallow. she would still have the same personality. Tells me all you are after are her looks. I would dump you as well in that case. Call her when you have grown up. No woman needs that crap.

 

where have I said I know more than everyone? You are the only issue here and you know so little about women it is scary. get your nose out of the archaic science books and into the real world. there is life out there.

 

You really aren't reading what I write.

 

If all I was after were looks then I wouldn't care about losing her because I could just go find someone hotter.

 

By saying that you have more experience and thus your thoughts are automatically more correct than mine you ware saying you know more. Having experience doesn't mean you know the truth.

[mike588]

I have said multiple times that I appreciate the advice about the letter.

 

What I don't appreciate is people questioning my ability to understand either my own emotions or the motives of those I am close to. I am not being antagonistic, I am being defensive.

 

It is even more annoying when the people calling me ignorant are guilty of the same fault. I mean what kind of rational adult tries to argue that physical attraction is not a part of love?

 

Anyway, thank you for trying to help

 

Yes were guilty of making mistakes too and were trying to HELP you from our experiences...with age and numerous relationships....b/u.s becomes experience and knowledge.

 

Reading about situations.....relationships...breakups but not actually lived and learned from them are two different things.

 

Yes physical attraction is important.....but it's not everything.

[nature]

I have read through this entire thread, and will give you my honest opinion as a woman.

 

Also I said something stupid while we were out one night and it upset her greatly and might have made her think I was someone I am not. She said we might try to get back together at another point and that she still cares about me.

 

i think whatever you said was a huge turnoff to her. It's hard to know without knowing what you said, but in the first few weeks/months of dating someone, I am weighing everything about the person. Either intentionally or subconsciously. If something they say comes across as a clear sign or their personality and innate beliefs/morals/ethics, etc it can strike as a red flag for me. Even if it is one simple comment. It can turn me right off of the person.

 

I believe she lost the attraction for you in the sense of a "boyfriend". She still likes you as a friend, but is no longer attracted to you in the way you are to her. I am sorry to say this, but I have been exactly where you and she are. An hour away would not really be considered long distance. However, if gas money, etc is a problem, then yes it is long distance. But i think you are grasping at the reasons for her breaking up with you and listening to the reasons she is giving you. Rather than really looking at the reasons.

 

She sounds like a lovely, nice girl so she does not want to tell you she lost the attractions for you. So instead, she chalks it up to the long distance, not being able to hang out, etc. I have been there. It is easier for her to tell you it is the distance because those are concrete, sold facts that cant be disputed. If she told you the truth, and that the way you behaved and what you said to her was a red flag that turned her off of you, she knows you would obsess, apologize and try to win her back over and over. She doesn't want you back. So she's giving you factual reasons. I have been there.

 

I'm sorry to say, but this girl is not attracted to you in the same way you are to her. Hard to stomach, I know. I have had many very kind, loving guys who things have been amazing in the beginning. But something they have said or done has turned me off. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get past it. It was like a light switch that went off.

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it is what I truly believe is going on. I have been your ex gf before.

 

Take care

[ThoughtfulRaven]

Yes were guilty of making mistakes too and were trying to HELP you from our experiences...with age and numerous relationships....b/u.s becomes experience and knowledge.

 

Reading about situations.....relationships...breakups but not actually lived and learned from them are two different things.

 

Yes physical attraction is important.....but it's not everything.

 

I understand that. It's just aggravating when I ask for help and the advice is riddled with tangentially related comments questioning my ability to distinguish between love and lust. I never asked if I loved the person, I already know the answer to that question. I asked about a letter.

 

I have lived through a number of situations, relationships, and breakups and have learned from them. Maybe not as many but my own experience combined with my knowledge of the subject allows me to understand most situations easily enough. I only needed advice because love letters are a social construct with ambiguous "rules" on how to do them and when they are appropriate.

 

I never said physical attraction was everything. That is what someone incorrectly inferred from me saying it is an essential factor. There are many other important things that go into loving someone.

[ThoughtfulRaven]

I have read through this entire thread, and will give you my honest opinion as a woman.

 

Also I said something stupid while we were out one night and it upset her greatly and might have made her think I was someone I am not. She said we might try to get back together at another point and that she still cares about me.

 

i think whatever you said was a huge turnoff to her. It's hard to know without knowing what you said, but in the first few weeks/months of dating someone, I am weighing everything about the person. Either intentionally or subconsciously. If something they say comes across as a clear sign or their personality and innate beliefs/morals/ethics, etc it can strike as a red flag for me. Even if it is one simple comment. It can turn me right off of the person.

 

I believe she lost the attraction for you in the sense of a "boyfriend". She still likes you as a friend, but is no longer attracted to you in the way you are to her. I am sorry to say this, but I have been exactly where you and she are. An hour away would not really be considered long distance. However, if gas money, etc is a problem, then yes it is long distance. But i think you are grasping at the reasons for her breaking up with you and listening to the reasons she is giving you. Rather than really looking at the reasons.

 

She sounds like a lovely, nice girl so she does not want to tell you she lost the attractions for you. So instead, she chalks it up to the long distance, not being able to hang out, etc. I have been there. It is easier for her to tell you it is the distance because those are concrete, sold facts that cant be disputed. If she told you the truth, and that the way you behaved and what you said to her was a red flag that turned her off of you, she knows you would obsess, apologize and try to win her back over and over. She doesn't want you back. So she's giving you factual reasons. I have been there.

 

I'm sorry to say, but this girl is not attracted to you in the same way you are to her. Hard to stomach, I know. I have had many very kind, loving guys who things have been amazing in the beginning. But something they have said or done has turned me off. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get past it. It was like a light switch that went off.

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it is what I truly believe is going on. I have been your ex gf before.

 

Take care

 

I sincerely appreciate your advice. The thought had crossed my mind as well. I would think this was the case but last night she told me she still loves me and misses me. Now I'm fairly sure that that wasn't the real issue.

 

Thanks again for the help

Edited March 18, 2012 by ThoughtfulRaven

[mike588]

I sincerely appreciate your advice. The thought had crossed my mind as well. I would think this was the case but last night she told me she still loves me and misses me. Now I'm fairly sure that that wasn't the real issue.

 

Thanks again for the help

 

When a person dumps you for reasons other than cheating or beating it's common for them to say....I still love you....I miss you and they probably do but their not IN LOVE WITH YOU. Big difference.

 

My ex. dumped me in a horrible way and I know she still has some love in her heart for me and misses me....misses how well I treated her..how good I was to her...all the GREAT times we had but she's not IN LOVE with me anymore.

 

I feel the same way....I'll always love her in my own way and to this day I still miss her at times but it's over......It's over!

 

Time to move on.

[ThoughtfulRaven]

When a person dumps you for reasons other than cheating or beating it's common for them to say....I still love you....I miss you and they probably do but their not IN LOVE WITH YOU. Big difference.

 

My ex. dumped me in a horrible way and I know she still has some love in her heart for me and misses me....misses how well I treated her..how good I was to her...all the GREAT times we had but she's not IN LOVE with me anymore.

 

I feel the same way....I'll always love her in my own way and to this day I still miss her at times but it's over......It's over!

 

Time to move on.

 

Meh, we'll see. Thanks though

[nature]

Whatever you said may have been the issue, but perhaps she is coming around and you are regaining her trust again, and therefore her attraction to you is coming back. Could be a possibility.

 

Now if this is the case, you have to think about whatever you said, and work on that behaviour. Not sure if it was an anger issue, or what it was. But it definately sent off a red flag in her. So don't just keep saying you are sorry, then win her back, and end up doing the same thing again once you are certain you have her. Or she will be running for the door again! I've been there too, where he acted perfectly sorry, etc and I regained trust and attraction, and boom, once his guard was down he started it all over again. I was gone. Just some things to think about. Perhaps you need to acknowledge with her what you said to her, why you said it and what you are doing about it to change your behaviour/patterns.

 

Take care