Newly Left Newlywed

[rble618740]

I've been looking at posts on this site for several days. My husband of only nine months left me last week during a heated argument. I thought he left because of the argument and expected him to return. The next day he moved his things out of our home. I begged and pleaded and cried for the first two days. Then I talked to a preacher for advice. Whether you are religous or not, he gave me the following advice:

 

1. DO NOT BEG for your spouse's return;

2. AFFIRM your love and commitment to your spouse when you do talk; and,

3. ASSERT what you need to be in a loving marriage.

 

The night after my husband left, I could not resist the urge to call him. I contacted him and we had a GREAT conversation. He said that he never would have called me because, in his mind, when he left he meant that he was leaving forever. He said that my conversation with him was so calm and wonderful that it gave him home that we could interact in a healthy, beneficial way. We had that same kind of conversation on Friday night. On Saturday he came to our home to present a list of issues he needed us to address and a list of things he needed to be happy in our marriage. I did the same with him. We discussed our lists for hours without getting upset or yelling. On Sunday, he and I went to a marriage counseling session. At the counseling session he said that he loved me and he wanted to work on our marriage, he was just skeptical that any technique could actually help us interact in such a way that our home would not be constantly full of conflict.

 

I came home full of hope that we just might get this thing worked out. I know, though, that we just might NOT get this thing worked out. My husband has legitimate issue with the level of conflict and the volume, if you will, of our home and relationship. Some of these I can address, as I have long been unhappy with my confrontational personality. Some of this we both need to evaluate, his family NEVER argued and mine always argued. However, my husband is also having personal issues. He's extremely well educated, but not employed. He is having to be a grown up for the first time in his life. ABSOLUTELY no one has ever placed expectations on my husband. His parents have both called me and told me that. My husband started his adult life, his career, and his marriage all in the same month.

 

I have not talked to my husband this week. I've been trying to give him space, but every once in a while the "what ifs" creep into my mind. If I had taken the "no contact" approach the night after he left, we wouldn't be on the path to possible reconciliation. What if he's not calling because he has decided he absolutely does not want to give us another shot.

 

Does my situation sound familiar to anyone? Does anyone know what might make the difference in these circumstances? I am more than willing to take responsibility for those things that I can change and those things that are my fault, but I realize I can not take responsibility for my husband's indecision or lack of commitment. I just want to give us a fair shot. I had no idea he had ever contemplated leaving until I saw him packing his things.

 

Any advice? Anyone worked things out in this situation (I'm searching for hope).

[HokeyReligions]

Almost 20 years ago I went through this with my husband. He moved out while I was at work and left a note, the check book and the car keys with the security guard at my building. I had no idea.

 

Went through the counseling, etc. and we talked on almost a daily basis. After a few weeks he moved back in and we continued counseling. We had some ups and downs and there were times when I thought "this is it, it's not working" but we muddled through it. We are getting a divorce right now but for totally different reasons that are unique to us. No affairs or anything like that and we are still friends and close. If it were not for the loss of our children and some other things that like I said, are unique to us and unusual, we would probably stay together and I think we may get back together at some point.

 

Stay in counseling. Check out the <URL removed> website. There is some good information there (stay away from the message boards until you have read and understand the information and used some of the tools that they give you for communication) That way you won't get bogged down in other people's interpretation of the information.

 

Good Luck.

[Wolvesbaned]

I am more than willing to take responsibility for those things that I can change and those things that are my fault, but I realize I can not take responsibility for my husband's indecision or lack of commitment.

 

I applaud you for realizing this. You go into the marriage with the hope of building your life together, through thick and thin: it's a serious matter. I can relate to your situation. I would have to constantly try to "understand" my husband's actions as a person that's overwhelmed or lacking of experience, or just plain stressed, and all of the above. Maybe it's harder for him to understand because I was his first relationship, his sister said he's naive, friends says he's immature, we were going through many transitions regardless.

 

A little background: There was never any conflict at home when he was growing up. He pretty much had his way without any contention. His Mom never really showed emotion, the only time she had was one occasion and he remembers it vividly, it was when he was leaving for college. He had pretty much always gotten his way and I later contributed.

 

My husband and I have been married for a little over 4 years. We've now been separated for almost 3 months. The issues are similar on my end, back in the days he had a problem with my anger --it was something I knew I needed to change. Though my anger hasn't been around for a long time now, his lack of conviction has. This lack of conviction is something I never even knew existed. It's easy to claim you're a certain way or have certain beliefs and values when you've never been tried. When life's events had finally put my husband to the test, his convictions didn't hold. You 're not supposed to put anything above your wife and marriage.

 

I know how it feels to second guess everything said and done because he just doesn't know what he's doing. I know how hard it is to not know what to do when the person you love the most is pissing away life. But you can't do anything to make him see and make him try. All you can do is work on yourself and hopes he realizes that a marriage is to be fought for. But you can't do the fighting alone ... I know because I've tried.

 

I wish you the best.

[Samson]

It might be little comfort to hear, but I think you're in a "win-win" situation here.

 

Win if marriage works (obvious).

 

Win if marriage doesn't. I know, I know..."how could this possibly be good?"

 

Perhaps Hokey would agree, twenty years or so, we wish we knew what you know now. Hear me now and believe me later, you've still got great opportunities to fulfill your life with or WITHOUT your husband. Remember this and don't let fear control your behavior or decisions. Face the facts and don't be afraid to "cut bait" and to start over.

[rble618740]

Thank you guys for some very wise words.

 

I have not been contacting my husband, but he has come to our house to see me three times since he left. When he comes he is very affectionate - which makes things hard. I try not to develop any false hope based on him saying "I love you" and kissing me. I feel like he's trying, in some ways, to reconnect. I keep telling him that he should make the decision of whether he wants to work on this marriage regardless of the effect it will have on me. I try to reassure him that I will be fine and I have already made the decision to be a better person for this experience, whether it ends our marriage or makes it better.

 

He's searching for answers and I'm not sure how he's going to find them. I definitely feel like this situation involves me, but it really isn't "about" me. Unfortunately I feel betrayed because the answers he's trying to find are answers he should have already had when we said "I do."

 

We have always been in different places on our view of religion (I'm very spiritual, my husband is not very religious). When he stopped by yesterday, he had gone to church. That was impressive to me because I feel like he's looking for answers. Unfortunately, he went to a church where he did not get much out of the service.

 

He is at such a crossroads in his life. He just really has never had anyone place expectations on him and he has never had any responsibilities. His parents have both called me to apologize for that because they believe that has left my husband ill-prepared for being an adult. My husband does not work (though he has an MBA and a law degree), he has no sense of responsibility, he has been unwilling to sacrifice any part of his single lifestyle for a married lifestyle, and he is unsure whether he's ready to give up a carefree life and be committed to this marriage. I think what he doesn't realize is that, even without this marriage, just as a function of maturing, he's going to have to give up parts of his carefree lifestyle to be an adult.

 

He is supposed to be taking this time to figure out whether we can change things in our marriage. I don't know how he's going to decide whether we can make things work when we're not spending any time together and we're not seeing a professional who can provide us with resources and techniques for better interaction with each other. If we were trying to make progress while he's away, and we based our decisions on whether to reconcile on whether we were able to make any progress, that would seem more logical. I think he's mischaracterizing the decision he's trying to make. I think he's really trying to figure out whether he is going to put forth the effort to try again.

 

This situation is influencing every aspect of my life. I feel like I need to be out doing things with friends, so that I'm not obsessing about my husband being gone. Unfortunately, I haven't told my friends about what's been going on (because I don't want them to resent my husband if we try to work things out). So, when I need my friends the most, I am not relying upon them. Our circumstances are drastically affecting my ability to concentrate at work. I pray a lot and I'm trying to turn this situation over to God, but it's hard to sit in limbo. It's hard to be patient while your husband decides if he wants to be married. I never thought marriage would be easy, but I did think that once I got married I would not have to worry that my husband didn't want to be married (at least for a while).

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by rble618740

He just really has never had anyone place expectations on him and he has never had any responsibilities. His parents have both called me to apologize for that because they believe that has left my husband ill-prepared for being an adult. My husband does not work (though he has an MBA and a law degree), he has no sense of responsibility, he has been unwilling to sacrifice any part of his single lifestyle for a married lifestyle, and he is unsure whether he's ready to give up a carefree life and be committed to this marriage.

 

First of all, WOW. His parents should feel bad - they raised an adult infant. This is serious. I'm not sure how you married him to begin with - was he working then? didn't you know he had this problem with responsibility?

 

Your first post made it sound like your main problems had to do with communication and that it was mostly you. But this post sheds a whole new light on things. If I had an adult who acted like a child in the house, I'd probably have a temper too. No wonder he's not used to any conflict. Sounds like he never had to deal with any the way he was babied. I don't know if this is the issue, but I could imagine experiencing a high level of frustration and conflict living with a man who lives like a spoiled teenager. When there's no one around to take care of him anymore how is he going to maintain his carefree lifestyle then??

 

I think the only chance this marriage has is for him to grow up and fast.

 

And by the way, I'm not religious at all, but it sounds like your minister knows what he's talking about. I hope he can help - if not save your marriage, then at least help you get through this.

[rble618740]

The whole time we dated he was a full-time law student. I had no way to know that he would be so irresponsible in our marriage. My husband is very bright and, unlike most people, he didn't have to work hard at being successful in law school. I even talked to him, before we got married, about how important his independent seemed to him and whether he loved me enough to give up some of that independence.

 

I agree he needs to do a lot of growing up and deciding where he's going in life. He's definitely at a crossroads. Unfortunately, if he decides he's not ready to grow up, I've lost a marriage for his immaturity. I hope he can see, as our preacher/counsellor has told me, that the problems he's having with me, he's eventually going to have with anyone he marries until he gets his head straight. Part of the problem is that everyone tells me these things, but still noone says them to him. I wish just one person would look at him and go, "What are you thinking? You need to get your act together, go home to your wife, and be a good husband!"

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by rble618740

The whole time we dated he was a full-time law student. I had no way to know that he would be so irresponsible in our marriage.

 

That makes sense.

 

Part of the problem is that everyone tells me these things, but still noone says them to him. I wish just one person would look at him and go, "What are you thinking? You need to get your act together, go home to your wife, and be a good husband!"

 

You said you went to a marriage counseling session. Why is that person not telling him that? What about his parents? If they apologized to you, you would think they would call him and tell him it's time to grow up.

 

I hope he makes the right choice.

[rble618740]

I think the marriage counselor was thinking of telling my husband that at the next session, but my husband has not agreed to go to any further counseling. Unfortunately, our first counseling session focused on my background, my personality, etc. In fact, when we left the counseling session, we both felt good about the discussions during the session but my husband thought that the counselor had been a little too psychoanalytical of me and my husband felt that was unfair.

 

Noone is telling my husband that he's making a mistake because they feel like pushing him will just make him push back a lot harder.