maninpain Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 Please tell me if I'm going about this the right way! My wife and I have drifted apart. She has told me that she loves me but is no longer IN love with me. I can understand that (read on), even though it hurts like hell! And of course we are both to blame for this, I wasn't there as a friend to talk to for many years, and she sought that elsewhere. In other men, friends of mine. Becuase she was getting what she needed from someone else, it became hard for me to changes my ways and give it to her once I saw what was happening... but I didn't do anything about it... (just shoot me, please). We finally realized what was happening, and agreed it had to stop. She had become too close to other males. All of our friends/family saw that the situation with her seeking attention from other males, and getting it, was a problem, but we (her and I) just let it go for so long that it became normalcy. Of course she went with it because it made her feel good. We both want our marriage to work. But she is going though withdrawal of the loss of these guy friends that she has become to emotionally attached to (there have been 2). She has been emotionless about the whole situation (which all came out about 5 days ago.) I don't know if she can ever love me again, but she has told me she wants to. She says she needs to take it slow, to start over in a way (no sex and intimacy), and work on being friends, which I agree with. I've been reaching out to her as much as I can, and she says I'm trying too hard... which maybe I am because I'm paniced and scared. She says she needs time to get her head back to normal... and I have to respect that, but at the same time, she is really emotionally cold towards me. Maybe we don't have a chance, but she tells me she wants it to work. We are still together, are civil and respectful of each other, talk regularly, and sleep in the same bed. But I have this underlying feeling of rejection through it all. I'm having a hard time dealing with the pain of not being loved by my wife. And I'm also having a hard time waiting, which I'm going to have to do. Am I doing the right thing by just waiting for her to overcome her feelings of loss? What can I do to cope with the feeling of hopelessness she instills in me with her lack of emotion and love? This is something which is tearing me apart. And most importantly, can LOVE be rekindled in a situation like this? Let me have it... good or bad. I need to know what to expect, and what I need to do to make it work.. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 I'm hoping that she didn't sleep with any of these men, please tell me that's true!!! But yeah, you deserve getting a good butt chewing, but we are all human and make mistakes. The good thing is that you're willing to work on your faults. And the good news is yes, this situation can be resolved too. You have to find out what your wife is lacking. Obviously attention is number 1, But also you need to look into what else she needs, go to this link and buy the book: http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/garychapman/ . Once you find out what her love language is, and most importantly, apply it .....she'll feel soooo much better. Whatever you do, DO NOT SMOTHER HER!!!!! I know that's going to be the hardest thing for you to NOT do, but trust me.....you will be sorry if you do. Try leaving little notes all over the house where when she goes through her normal routine she'll find them throughout the day. My wife LOVES it when I do that. I also leave flowers or gifts like earing and such. ( Can you tell my wife's love language is gifts? ). And in return I get her attention and affection which is my, "Love Language". Help out a little more around the house too, get her a cold drink when she's resting and watching TV, maybe even a breakfast in bed. Try to be cheerfull even though you're hurting inside because otherwise she'll feed off of your misery and become miserable herself. Please keep us informed!!! Good Luck Moose Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted June 10, 2004 Share Posted June 10, 2004 I understand your feeling of rejection You married her for better or worse, which means she agreed to love and cherish you for WHO YOU ARE. Now, she's expecting you to CHANGE, otherwise she's going to seek companionship elsewhere. It's no fun to expect unconditional love from someone who puts conditions on it. It's no fun not to be loved and cherished for who you are There shouldn't be threats in marriage. It is really selfish of her to have emotional affairs, and then expect YOU to wait around for HER...jmo... As far as a solution goes...I don't know of one right now...gimme some time Just know that someone on this board understands your side Link to post Share on other sites
Author maninpain Posted June 10, 2004 Author Share Posted June 10, 2004 Originally posted by Moose I'm hoping that she didn't sleep with any of these men, please tell me that's true!!! I'm sure she hasn't. These are pretty good friends of mine, who I still hang out with(which is why I haven't seen any of it a problem before), and they have always respected our marriage. One said that if I ever had a problem with them being friends, it would stop... and I have talked to both of them since, they couldn't believe what was happening with us and they have both been very supportive towards me, and acted like true friends. Originally posted by Moose But yeah, you deserve getting a good butt chewing, but we are all human and make mistakes. The good thing is that you're willing to work on your faults. I think that some of the reasons these faults of mine came about is we never had enough bonding time between the two of us before we had kids (which wasn't planned of course .) We've never been close enough friends, and now it has become a problem. Originally posted by Moose Try to be cheerfull even though you're hurting inside because otherwise she'll feed off of your misery and become miserable herself. Yes, this is very hard. But thank you for reminding me that she will feed off my feelings... I will try harder And I of course will have to also try NOT to feed off hers. I'm willing to do whatever I have to to get her through her cold feelings towards our marriage. Even though we're having this hard time in our marriage, I would still die for her. I know she loves me, she just needs to find that loving feeling. And I will check out that book. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maninpain Posted June 10, 2004 Author Share Posted June 10, 2004 Originally posted by Monday I understand your feeling of rejection You married her for better or worse, which means she agreed to love and cherish you for WHO YOU ARE. Now, she's expecting you to CHANGE, otherwise she's going to seek companionship elsewhere. It's no fun to expect unconditional love from someone who puts conditions on it. It's no fun not to be loved and cherished for who you are There shouldn't be threats in marriage. It is really selfish of her to have emotional affairs, and then expect YOU to wait around for HER...jmo... As far as a solution goes...I don't know of one right now...gimme some time Just know that someone on this board understands your side The thing is, I don't think this is about me changing exactly, but instead, giving her more of myself, which is why I put alot of blame on myslef. But now that I see what I have done, I can't give her my all because she's not ready. Like Moose said, I can't smother her. I need to wait for her to pull through, which is the hardest part for me to deal with right now. (I don't think I have cry as much in my whole life as I have in the past 5 days. And oh, by the way, it might be important for someone to know that we've almost been married 7 years, and we have 2 boys, ages 3 and 5. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Sounds to me like you already have a good idea how to deal with this....I'm glad there are still people out there that try as hard as you two....gives me a warm fuzzy feeling....keep me informed....please Moose Link to post Share on other sites
Author maninpain Posted June 11, 2004 Author Share Posted June 11, 2004 Originally posted by Moose Sounds to me like you already have a good idea how to deal with this....I'm glad there are still people out there that try as hard as you two....gives me a warm fuzzy feeling....keep me informed....please Moose Yeah, I THINK we have a good idea, I just don't see much light at the end of the tunnel yet. At times I see some of it, and others, it looks pretty grim. I just need advise on weather or not we're on the right track, or if I should be doing something else... going about it a different way. And of course it's been an emotional rollercoster ride for me. For instance, I was feeling horrible during my first post. Now I'm feeling pretty good... about 5 hours later. And reading that smothering her is a bad thing really helped me. I think I knew that, but I just needed to be told by someone. I guess I just need to keep a positive attitude, let her recover from this loss of hers, and come back to me... I think she will. But it's that small chance that she wont come back to me emotionally that scares the $#!t out of me, and puts be back on the rollercoaster when I dwell on it. I have another question I just thought of??.... At first, a couple days ago, it was all about her mistakes, and her lack of judgement by letting herself get to emotionally connected with other males, and how she platonically cheated on me. And how hurt I was that she did this to me... but she has yet to say SORRY!!!, to show any remorse whatsoever for what she has done to me. Now it's all about me, and the mistakes I've made that led her to that. I'm wondering if you think I'm putting ALL the blame on myself because she wont own up to her mistakes? I know am resposible, but I don't think I am entirely. And is this ok, if I'm ok with it? Is it healthy? Maybe it's the only way I can get her back to me, and then she'll realize she was at fault too. Link to post Share on other sites
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