She cant explain why she wants to divorce

[petterr]

The FB thing! I have alot of friends who still has her on FB! I could have easily red her posts. Im not interested. My friend have told me she has posted alot of quotes and sayings that has been really depressive. One friend told me that she was so fed up with reading her 5-10 posts a day. Does that sound like shes happy? She is definately depressed.

[petterr]

What I have done? I cant think of anything more I could do. Well hire a private dick or perhaps follow her 24/7. But if I sink that low I will never heal. That would only make me feel worse. No... It is what it is... At least for now!

[petterr]

Kids live with me every other week. My week now!

 

Its impossible to pick the goal I want to pick Olw! Even though i want her back I woul never take her back in the state she is now. She needs to obtain her goal and feel that she can find her peace. I have to continue on with life... Im not closing the door copletely but I cant make her want me back. Right now shes so confused and if I pushed her she would be gone forever. So right now my mindset has to be that shes gone forever. Does that make any sense?

[Black Jack]

What I have done? I cant think of anything more I could do. Well hire a private dick or perhaps follow her 24/7. But if I sink that low I will never heal. That would only make me feel worse. No... It is what it is... At least for now!

 

I know you're scared of the "what if" factor but once you find out the truth, in the long run you'll feel better.

 

You deserve to know. If she's not cheating hey, it was worth a shot but that seems highly unlikely with her recent behavior....

[petterr]

Your right! If theres no one else I already know the truth, right! If there is or was then at least im prepared. If one could ever be prepared. A third alternative is that ill never know. Then so be it. Sooner or later she will find another man unless we find our way back. I guess im prepared for that as well.

[Owl]

OK...well the last bit of advice I can offer you is this.

 

Being passive means you have no control over the outcome. She will determine everything.

 

A woman cannot respect a man that she can control, or dictate everything to. She can't respect a man that she can control.

 

A woman cannot "love" a man that she cannot respect.

 

Right now, giving her space and waiting on her to decide what to do from here is not gaining you any respect...nor is doing anything to help rebuild her love for you or her desire to continue any kind of relationship with you. In fact...sitting there hoping things will work out is most likely the best method going to ensure that they don't.

 

You have options. You have things you can do, ways to figure out what's going on and why.

 

Choosing not to pursue them is still a choice.

 

I wish you the very best of luck, and hope to read a post from you that we were all wrong, and everything worked out wonderfully for the two of you together.

[petterr]

Thanks for your advise Owl! I get what you are saying. But right now I feel in control. Its she who called me and she has expressed a frustration over the fact that we havent had any contact " for the kids". I needed the distance to heal. She wants us to celebrate our daughters birthay together in May. I have told her that ill think about it. The only way of winning her back is to be myself. It worked once right. But I wont make a fool of myself. She really hurt me so from now on ill only do stuff that good for me and the kids. Shes not ready for anything yet. She has really lost herself somewhere. I wont push her or persue her... Yet! Then again if she continues being this new person I really dont want her back... Time will tell! Thanks!

[dreamingoftigers]

It sounds a lot like a 180, which is exactly what the Doctor ordered. Try googling it. Sounds like a great idea.

[The Blue Knight]

No doubt whatsoever. She's involved with another man.

[The Blue Knight]

Hi again!

 

Well reading your posts all point in one direction. Time will tell and there is really nothing I can do about it right now. I have had no contact with her for five weeks. Yesterday she called me wanting to have more contact with me reguarding my kids. Nothing wrong with that but i have explaind to her that the only time I feel really good is when I dont think about her and how she has treated me. She is still very confused and she cried several times during our coversation. She says she feels bad about the whole thing. I sure hope she does. She wouldnt be human otherwise. I wont initiate any contact with her unless it comes to the kids.

 

I have noticed there is a lot of bitternes in some post here. I really understand you. But untill I know for a fact I have to deal with the reality presented for me. My way of dealing with it is to NOT have contact with her. If shes cheating or not thats what I need to cope with it all. No matter what happens next I have to know that I can live with myself for the rest of my life. Iv done nothing wrong. Its a good feeling...

A lot of guys here have been through something very similar Pete.

 

My ex-wife many years ago took a business trip for two weeks. When I put her on the airplane, she was perfectly normal and our life was on the right path. I spoke to her on the phone each evening and it was all good until about the fifth or sixth day of her trip.

 

Then out of nowhere, one night I was talking to her on the phone and she began complaining that she was depressed and just didn't know what she wanted in life. Of course I had no idea what to make of it but since she had a history of minor mood swings, I didn't give it much thought.

 

This subject change out of nowhere should have clued me in, but up until that time our marriage seemed pretty strong.

 

This attitude on the phone (when I was even able to talk to her) continued. About seven days later I picked her up at the airport and I could see something about her just seemed different. The way she looked at me, her demeanor, her conversation (very limited).

 

On the drive home she was all but silent. This was after being gone from me and the kids for two weeks. By later that night I put it together and determined that she had involved herself with someone who was in her training class.

 

When you see a sudden and drastic change in your spouse, and their values, their demeanor, their attitude, all change with little warning. It's an affair.

[Chi townD]

Love it when people come on here in complete denial to finding out the truth. "He/she wouldn't cheat on me, she/ he said they love me and only me and that there's no one else. They wouldn't do that to me. He /she just isn't in a good place and needs some time alone to see if they'll miss me and get those feelings back"

 

Only to have them come back a month or two later.

 

"I CAN'T BELIEVE HE/SHE CHEATED ON ME!!!!"

[petterr]

Read my posts again! Your comletely wrong about me. Denyin nothing! Feels like an "I told you so, stupid!" gives some guys some kind of energy! Well, well! I promise Ill give you the facts if there are any new!

[Bradly]

im in the same boat petterr, i have no proof, but all evidence shows that she at least is talking to someone else...

[Steadfast]

...But right now I feel in control...(snip)...I wont push her or persue her... Yet! Then again if she continues being this new person I really dont want her back...Time will tell...

 

It will Peter. But if experience in human nature is worth anything, consider the fact that many of us are telling you time is already telling.

 

Loving wives do not leave their children and husbands. Period. Reading through your posts, there's a very real possibility your wife could be mentally ill. It isn't as common as walking away (which sadly, is very common) but it does happen. And while I'm no expert, I will say that in a overwhelming number of cases, most illnesses cause spouses to cling more tightly to their partner...not push them away. It's less than being a matter of record and more about human nature, need, and fear.

 

You seem confident in your direction, and more than willing to set everyone straight. Fine. But you came looking for answers. It's not our problem if you don't like them. As for accuracy, LS posters on this particular forum lead the tally by an overwhelming margin. Look it up.

 

Hang in there. I (or we) do understand where you are, It isn't easy.

[petterr]

Thanks!

 

I understand the odds! Guess its the not knowing for sure whats what thats the hard part.

[Chi townD]

Read my posts again! Your comletely wrong about me. Denyin nothing! Feels like an "I told you so, stupid!" gives some guys some kind of energy! Well, well! I promise Ill give you the facts if there are any new!

 

 

Oh, I read your posts again and they still have red flags ALL OVER THEM! And it's really hard to get the facts when you're not doing anything about it! Hard to SEE the facts when you have your head buried in the sand!

 

Sad part is, she's already moved out so you have an even harder time trying to find out the truth. If you two are still under the same phone plan, did you request and itemized bill that says what numbers were called? Did you request itemized bills for the last several months when she was living with you and see if there's a number on there that she has called several times that you don't recongize? Probably not.... Some of these smart phones have GPS trackers on them, did you find out if hers has one and to have it activated to track her movements? Probably not.. If she's has an iPhone or a SMART phone and if she ever charged her phone up using the home computer, chances are that phone sync'd up with the computer. That means there's a hidden file on that computer with every text that phone has sent out and received (even deleted ones). There software that will allow you to find this folder and view it. Did you do this? Probably not. Did you hire a PI? I KNOW you didn't because (reading your posts) you wouldn't stoop that low.

 

Well, I call BS on that. You have every RIGHT to know what's going on in your marriage. You have every RIGHT to know why your marriage is ending. You have every RIGHT to know why your family is broken now.

 

And hey, if you find out that she isn't cheating, then I will be the first one to apologize to you. But, I have a feeling you haven't looked because your afraid of what you might find.

Edited March 21, 2012 by Chi townD

[Almond_Joy]

Not to impose to much but I've noticed that "age" wise, its ladies in their twenties that go thru the "WHO AM I and WHERE AM I GOING?" Syndrome. Okay its really not a syndrome so much as a re-evaluation. Particularly when REALITY sets in on being a mother,wife, and carrying the weight of getting the formal education. Some ladies THRIEVE on being ALL things to ALL people...some crumble. Your wife crumbled. I do not think there is an affair....more like personal conflict at this stage of her inability to deal with all the responsibilities that she cannot live up to.

Some folks grow slower then others in being able to juggle all the duties. Granted I think you as the father & husband deserve better since you carried the daily responsibilities. You seem "in touch", while she is clearly out of touch with herself and how her actions are affecting the family forever.

Legally there will be much that does need to get resolved, so hopefully she can get her act together and move forward. Keep getting counseling for yourself...you deserve to heal from this.

 

Co-sign wholeheartedly with this.

 

It saddens me to hear that several others have seen similar behavior in past relationships, and it turned out to be infidelity from the start, but it sounds like many of you are damning her based on YOUR experiences, not what Peter's telling us.

 

When people start thinking about their life, and they realize they're not happy with where they are and who they are, they can FLIP. They can transform completely into someone you've never seen. That may or may not be triggered by interest in someone else.

 

Whatever the cause is, it doesn't excuse her negligence of obligations to her family or her commitment to Peter. I agree with many here that she is being selfish and shortsighted.

 

It sounds like you are taking the best course of action, Peter: just giving it time and seeing what happens while maintaining your distance. She sounds very volatile right now, and trying to reestablish the love you had before right now seems like a futile effort. Nothing that's established while she's in this state can be trusted to last, because she's not made peace with herself and/or gotten on the path to her own happiness.

 

Hang in there, and hope things turn out well. Keep us posted!

 

PS. Sorry I misspelled your username throughout the post lol.

[Black Jack]

Co-sign wholeheartedly with this.

 

It saddens me to hear that several others have seen similar behavior in past relationships, and it turned out to be infidelity from the start, but it sounds like many of you are damning her based on YOUR experiences, not what Peter's telling us.

 

When people start thinking about their life, and they realize they're not happy with where they are and who they are, they can FLIP. They can transform completely into someone you've never seen. That may or may not be triggered by interest in someone else.

 

Whatever the cause is, it doesn't excuse her negligence of obligations to her family or her commitment to Peter. I agree with many here that she is being selfish and shortsighted.

 

It sounds like you are taking the best course of action, Peter: just giving it time and seeing what happens while maintaining your distance. She sounds very volatile right now, and trying to reestablish the love you had before right now seems like a futile effort. Nothing that's established while she's in this state can be trusted to last, because she's not made peace with herself and/or gotten on the path to her own happiness.

 

Hang in there, and hope things turn out well. Keep us posted!

 

PS. Sorry I misspelled your username throughout the post lol.

 

Most of the stories posted in this forum have dealt with a runaway wife, only to find out that they ran away because they were cheating.

 

Almost 70% of women are filing for divorce.

 

Do the research, this isn't just because of our experiences, this is happening very often around us.

 

And he hasn't even taken the time to find out whether she's really cheating or not.

 

Peter prove us wrong. Like Chi said I will apologize to you also if you can come with it, but from what we've seen here, it's highly unlikely she's not cheating.

[petterr]

Thanks for your latest post!

 

Yes I have every right to know. Thanks for your tips reguarding trying to find evidence! Checked her phone but no secret spy program or PI! No, Im not the least afraid of learning the " truth"! In fact if she was cheating that would perhaps give me the peace of mind I think I need. And of course change the game plan completely.

 

Facts are: getting information from friends and people around her. Even her sister whom I spoke to today. They all say shes a completely different person and some of my friends even say that she needs professional help.

 

Just thinking out loud here! If she was cheating an now a " free" woman livinng by herself, wouldnt she be happy! At least not depressed, right!

 

I hear you but I have no idea where this is going to end. Frustrating!

[Eddie Edirol]

Just thinking out loud here! If she was cheating an now a " free" woman livinng by herself, wouldnt she be happy! At least not depressed, right!

 

I hear you but I have no idea where this is going to end. Frustrating!

 

Not necessarily my good man. If she is in fact seeing someone else (I think she is based on your words) It could be with a man that doesnt really take her seriously. She could be smitten with him, but he isnt giving her the attention that she wants. She could be depressed thinking about how she cant go back to her her old life after leaving it for this guy, and he might not care about her. She might have gotten emotionally caught up in the "newness" of a new relationship, without realizing that he wasnt that into her. Add onto that her possible mental afflictions, just compounds her mental state.

[petterr]

Ok! Should have seen this comming. But you are absolutely right. Those are all possible truths! The only thing I can do right now is to keep to the facts I know.

[Chi townD]

Just thinking out loud here! If she was cheating an now a " free" woman livinng by herself, wouldnt she be happy! At least not depressed, right!

 

I hear you but I have no idea where this is going to end. Frustrating!

 

 

Not exactlly, I read your post and at one time she contacted you to discuss you spending more time with the kids. A POSSIBILITY is that she wanted you to take the kids so she can have more time with OM. I'm not saying that's her sole motivation. But it's a possibility. Plus, if she's all depressed a lot, it could be guilt that's bringing her down.

 

You just don't know until you look into things. And if I'm wrong about the cheating, then great. You've ruled one thing out completely. Then you can try exploring other avenues on why things are going wrong. But know this, she will not give up information willingly

[petterr]

Thanks for the input! She didnt contact me wanting me to spend more time with the kids. A missunderstanding? But I do agree with you that guilt could be part of her feeling down. But that guilt, I think, could have to do with many things. The most natural would perhaps be the faild marrige that she is entierly responsible for because her lack of communication.

 

But one thing I might add thougt. Shes completely " free" only every other weekend. She has so much to do when it comes to her job and her studies theres really no time for much more. This I know because thats how it looked like when we lived together. Its a really sick situation that only got worse now when shes completely alone.

 

If theres another guy envolved... Good luck with investing in a person who was no time for him. But... I still think she hasnt had time for herself and thats one of the reasons she left. She lost herself somewhere and sacrificed everything! Her loss but mine and the kids as well.

[Bradly]

If theres another guy envolved... Good luck with investing in a person who was no time for him. But... I still think she hasnt had time for herself and thats one of the reasons she left. She lost herself somewhere and sacrificed everything! Her loss but mine and the kids as well.

 

I couldn't agree more... I think we married the same woman. Good luck!

[Eddie Edirol]

Thanks for the input! She didnt contact me wanting me to spend more time with the kids. A missunderstanding? But I do agree with you that guilt could be part of her feeling down. But that guilt, I think, could have to do with many things. The most natural would perhaps be the faild marrige that she is entierly responsible for because her lack of communication.

 

But one thing I might add thougt. Shes completely " free" only every other weekend. She has so much to do when it comes to her job and her studies theres really no time for much more. This I know because thats how it looked like when we lived together. Its a really sick situation that only got worse now when shes completely alone.

 

If theres another guy envolved... Good luck with investing in a person who was no time for him. But... I still think she hasnt had time for herself and thats one of the reasons she left. She lost herself somewhere and sacrificed everything! Her loss but mine and the kids as well.

 

People always find time for the person they want to be with. No time is never an excuse. People who work 80 hours a week on this very forum make time for dating, you'd be surprised. I dont think she feels guilty about the marriage failing, when she wanted out. Dumpers usually feel a lil guilt for hurting a person, but not for the relationship failing, because they know what they didnt like about you. She was probably emotionally checked out for up to a year before leaving you, but this is all speculation.