She cant explain why she wants to divorce

[2sunny]

I'm not sure why you'd even want to be with such a selfish and self centered b@tch!

 

Seriously, it makes me mad when these types of gals give us women such a bad name.

 

Not all women are like that - nor should they be.

 

Maybe she's doing you a favor - now you may be capable of finding a kind, loving and giving woman in the future.

[Jstub]

I am really sorry to hear this. Very very selfish. Like previous posters said, she used you to get stronger and now that she doesn't need you, you are out. Can't get any more selfish than that. Reminds me of my wife really, when she was in an abusive relationship and I took her out of there, moved her out of her country, I was the HERO. When she was pregnant twice and gained tons of weight and lost her self esteem, I made her feel great,made her feel sexy, made her feel wanted, I was such a great guy, but then when she got her figure back, she was looking hot to her standards, she dumped me like a brick and started an affair etc.

 

What I am trying to say, you are not alone. You deserve better, you deserve someone who will appreciate you for your kindness and your love - I am sure you are not perfect, I am sure you had your faults in the marriage, but as we saw in your post, she never communicated the issues and decided that it's over. You kept wondering and now you get this crap. I know it's hard to see but you have to think GOOD RIDDANCE at this point. Good luck to you.

[petterr]

Thanks for your posts! Gives me peace of mind. I wrote a text to her.

 

" I feel so used by you. I was a good person when you needed me. You felt safe and needed my help. Bur when you didnt need me anymore you dumped me. You want to be a good mom, feel good about yourself and you say you want to be a good friend. BuT how about a good partner, a good wife? No, why even try. I took care of our finances, our children and our home so you could devote yourself to your studies. Why would you want to be a good wife? Its better to flee now that you found yourself then to stand and fight for our love, me and our family. But thank you! I do understand now and I can move on. You were finished with me five months ago bot tonight im done with you. "

 

She replied: throw away my letter. Have your questions and feelings. I cant help you anymore.

 

I just replied. Thank you!

 

That was the end of my marrige. Feels kind of good now that I understand shes lost forever in some twisted way.

[2sunny]

Good work Peter!

 

It feels good to have a voice and speak your truth, huh? That's the way life should always be!

 

No need to smile and take it when someone craps on you - no way!

 

Although I still think she's seeing someone else - that's beside the point now.

 

She's given enough evidence to prove she's cruel and heartless.

 

No need to wait a second longer for hat kind of inadequacy in anyone.

[TripLine]

So epic, I am scared to say that i want more...

[Furious]

Thanks for your posts! Gives me peace of mind. I wrote a text to her.

 

" I feel so used by you. I was a good person when you needed me. You felt safe and needed my help. Bur when you didnt need me anymore you dumped me. You want to be a good mom, feel good about yourself and you say you want to be a good friend. BuT how about a good partner, a good wife? No, why even try. I took care of our finances, our children and our home so you could devote yourself to your studies. Why would you want to be a good wife? Its better to flee now that you found yourself then to stand and fight for our love, me and our family. But thank you! I do understand now and I can move on. You were finished with me five months ago bot tonight im done with you. "

 

She replied: throw away my letter. Have your questions and feelings. I cant help you anymore.

 

I just replied. Thank you!

 

That was the end of my marrige. Feels kind of good now that I understand shes lost forever in some twisted way.[/QUO

 

 

 

You are more valuable than you realized.

Giving is more of gift than receiving.

Now it is time to give to yourself.

[elfman]

Hey Pete,

 

Man I am sorry to hear of that exchange, because even though it will most likely signify the first step toward your own happiness, I know it must've felt very bad to receive such a reply. I too believe that, given the situation, that was your last effort to transmit your feelings... and she reacted like a self-centered, egoistic child.

 

Please do not even consider if there is or there is not someone else in this whole equation, as, like the previous poster said, it is beside the point. I know (from personal experience) that the nagging feeling can be a pain in the butt to get rid of, but trust me... do not attempt to find out anything more that will hurt you. Start moving forward.

 

Good luck bud, and be sure to write when you need to.

 

E.

[soserious1]

She finishes school at Christmas? After years of family struggle & many sacrifices from you & the children she's nearing the finish line to get the degree that will enable her to make big money? Money you thought would be used to help support your brood, put the kids through college, fund your joint retirement, pay off the debts that have accumulated during her years of schooling?

 

And now, suddenly she wants out?

 

Get a piranha of a lawyer, file for divorce, request sole custody of the children as you are their primary caretaker, request that you & the kids be allowed sole use of the marital home, request child support, alimony & ask that you be given a fiscal settlement that reflects the earn power of the degree she earned during your marriage. Her degree is marital property & she's thinking she can just waltz out on you now!

 

Nail this biatch to the wall fiscally so fast & hard she won't know what hit her!

Edited April 10, 2012 by soserious1

[2sunny]

She finishes school at Christmas? After years of family struggle & many sacrifices from you & the children she's nearing the finish line to get the degree that will enable her to make big money? Money you thought would be used to help support your brood, put the kids through college, fund your joint retirement, pay off the debts that have accumulated during her years of schooling?

 

And now, suddenly she wants out?

 

Get a piranha of a lawyer, file for divorce, request sole custody of the children as you are their primary caretaker, request that you & the kids be allowed sole use of the marital home, request child support, alimony & ask that you be given a fiscal settlement that reflects the earn power of the degree she earned during your marriage. Her degree is marital property & she's thinking she can just waltz out on you now!

 

Nail this biatch to the wall fiscally so fast & hard she won't know what hit her!

 

I totally agree!

 

And SHE'S mad? We still haven't really heard what for! That you helped her become better self supporting? This should be your advantage in court! Her NEW earning potential will work in your favor - so definitely take advantage of that!!!

 

Show NO MERCY for her at this point! I rarely say that.

 

YOU should be the one MAD! And if YOU'RE NOT - then I'm mad at you for not standing up for yourself and what's right!

 

Get damn mad - and tell her she not worth the dirt under your feet! She's that selfish - she should have minimal contact with the kids. We don't need her training them by her stellar example how to become selfish as they grow up.

[findingnemo]

She finishes school at Christmas? After years of family struggle & many sacrifices from you & the children she's nearing the finish line to get the degree that will enable her to make big money? Money you thought would be used to help support your brood, put the kids through college, fund your joint retirement, pay off the debts that have accumulated during her years of schooling?

 

And now, suddenly she wants out?

 

Get a piranha of a lawyer, file for divorce, request sole custody of the children as you are their primary caretaker, request that you & the kids be allowed sole use of the marital home, request child support, alimony & ask that you be given a fiscal settlement that reflects the earn power of the degree she earned during your marriage. Her degree is marital property & she's thinking she can just waltz out on you now!

 

Nail this biatch to the wall fiscally so fast & hard she won't know what hit her!

 

I never call women bitches but this one is a real one. Peter, don't even allow yourself to grieve this for one more minute. You need to get angry, really mad. Your W is a user and she thinks you're stupid. How could she write such a blatantly insulting letter? She takes you so for granted that she feels free to put her selfish thoughts down on paper? Do NOT tear that letter. It is proof that she has abandoned you and the kids and that it was pre-meditated.

 

I'm so angry for you...on behalf of your kids. It doesn't matter what medication she's taking, or what she's going through anymore. Nobody gets to do all this and get any sympathy. Do what soserious says!!:mad:

[2sunny]

She knows the letter could be evidence used in court... That's why she wants you to get rid of it.

 

Word to you - don't put things in writing - let your attorney do that for you.

 

I'd also stop giving her ANY money! She can figure out how to earn her own. She can petition the court for it if she needs it. Make her work for getting any money. Cut her selfish a$$ off completely.

 

The only thing you need to say to her at this point is "I'm not discussing - my attorney will handle it!"

[elfman]

Hey Pete,

 

2Sunny and others are giving you very good advice here. Make sure you keep that letter, also make sure:

 

1- Start collecting receipts of payments made by you towards her debts.

2- Start collecting receipts of payments made by you towards her education.

3- Start collecting receipts of payments made by you for home support, child schooling, food, etc.

 

IT IS ABSOLUTELY GENIUS to have your lawyer do the writing for you... do not send her any more texts, or letters...

 

Also, and this will be tried on her part... please hang the "good guy" outfit in your closet until after all of this is over... she knows you are a good guy, and she will play the pity card when she finds herself cornered.

 

Keep it up bud... your story gives me strength to face mine.

 

E.

[petterr]

Hi!

 

I totaly agree with everyone when it comes to her being a selfish ....!

 

The problem with putting on my game face is this. Everything is already settled. Our finances, house and custody. Divorce will be definate in June. Theres nothing to fight about. But if there will be in the future I woudnt hesitate becoming someone out of character.

 

When it comes to her wanting me to throw away the letter. Would never think about it. Here are my thoughts!

 

She says its her fault that the marriage ends. She says she let me take over her life. Come to think of it its the perfect way to not being questioned. Thats the perfect way of getting away with having a serious discussion about our relationship. An that she still cant or are willing to have.

 

Because god forgive that there are other perspectives then her own.

 

So the letter! By throwing the letter away I have nothing to pick up and have an argument about. You saw how she responded when I texted her about me feeling she used me.

 

She does not want to be questioned because then she is forced to see that her defence and reasons are flawed.

 

Any thoughts about that?

[2sunny]

Yep... Stop thinking of her

 

It's time to start thinking of you.

 

Start building a new life without any further thought of her.

 

And money... Did you cut off all money going to her? This is important! She can suffer a bit! She isn't worried about you suffering! So make sure she doesn't get a dime from you or have access to any money for a while.

 

She wants to be on her own - let her find out how difficult it can be when someone's not willing to offer her that free ride she's been expecting and enjoying for so long.

[petterr]

Hahaha 2Sunny!

 

Not thinking about her in the same way. I have my life sorted.

 

She has no help from me anymore when it comes to anything exept the kids. She will get into trouble sooner or later and thats just because shes new att being an adult reguarding money and responsenilities. Theres no avoiding that.

 

Will not help her one bit. I have done my part and shes welcome to real life with all those aspects of life. On pure willpower shes going to cope a while but she will face some ugly truths about how hard it can be being alone. Her choice!

[2sunny]

When doing what's right - there's no need to defend or reason.

 

That's my take on the statement you made.

 

If she's defending and reasoning it's because she's trying to convince herself that she's not doing anything wrong.

 

It takes VERY LITTLE effort when you tell the truth. Her approach at communicating reminds me how folks do it when they don't know how to be honest.

[petterr]

Great answer and your absolutely right! Thanks!

[The Blue Knight]

My wife's "motivation" in having her EA was as much to "run away" from her responsibilities and pressures of being a mom to four teenaged kids (at the time) was half of the problem, the other part was her running TO the OM.

 

Removing OM from the picture allowed the other half of her fantasy to collapse, and eventually led to our reconciliation.

 

Now you know why I keep suspecting another influene in your situation.

Women almost never run away unless they've already lined up where (to whom) they're running to FIRST.

 

That's why I see all the big red flags that there's another man in the mix. She's running TO someone as much as she's running away from you (her issues). Remove the TO, and you can then focus on what she's running away from. Try to focus on what she's running from, and you'll still leave that other motivation dangling out there...she won't truly focus on fixing things with you.

 

I've been there.

 

Preciously

[The Blue Knight]

Well! Only thing not accounted for is FB. She was staying with a friend every other weekend when this started. Thats something. But before this all started there was nothing.

 

I have done alot of these things but as I said before dead end!

 

I suspect this is the other man

[The Blue Knight]

Thanks for your posts! Gives me peace of mind. I wrote a text to her.

 

" I feel so used by you. I was a good person when you needed me. You felt safe and needed my help. Bur when you didnt need me anymore you dumped me. You want to be a good mom, feel good about yourself and you say you want to be a good friend. BuT how about a good partner, a good wife? No, why even try. I took care of our finances, our children and our home so you could devote yourself to your studies. Why would you want to be a good wife? Its better to flee now that you found yourself then to stand and fight for our love, me and our family. But thank you! I do understand now and I can move on. You were finished with me five months ago bot tonight im done with you. "

 

She replied: throw away my letter. Have your questions and feelings. I cant help you anymore.

 

I just replied. Thank you!

 

That was the end of my marrige. Feels kind of good now that I understand shes lost forever in some twisted way.

 

Hard to read this stuff Pete without feeling kind of down. She's on some type of a journey and you're not in the plans. I've seen this a few times before. The marriage where the wife (a couple with the husband as well) will let the husband do all the supporting and a lot of the work so she can get to that point where she can sail off on her own.

 

Really sad frankly. I have to say, did she take the four kids into the equation when she decided to go solo? She's selfish but the problem is she really doesn't care that you or others even know that.

 

Move on with your life. Based on what you've posted about her and even her little tirade about her sister, I say she's too much maintenance anyway to want to continue on with so far as a relationship. You sound like a decent guy. There's better stuff out there and women who will appreciate you and treat you a lot better. It happened to me when my ex-wife wanted out after 15 years and it was one of the better things that happened to me . . . although at the time, I didn't realize it. Better women than her are out there looking for decent men.

[petterr]

Thanks Blue Knight!

 

Im moving on. It really, really helps reading that people like yourself confirms that im not crazy.

 

I think I have passed the point of no return. Of course there will be ups and downs but thats to be expected.

 

No Contact, 180. I think the only way to start feeling better is not to pretend or fake (NC, 180) to reach the feeling that you really dont care anymore. Hope im there now because thats what it feels like.

[K Os]

And while I'm no expert, I will say that in a overwhelming number of cases, most illnesses cause spouses to cling more tightly to their partner...not push them away.

 

True, very true, Steadfast, but depression is the most notable exception to this, from what I've picked up in recent months.

 

I haven't read this whole thread yet - I'm just saying. Some here already know my situation in this respect.

Edited April 11, 2012 by K Os

[The Blue Knight]

Thanks Blue Knight!

 

Im moving on. It really, really helps reading that people like yourself confirms that im not crazy.

 

I think I have passed the point of no return. Of course there will be ups and downs but thats to be expected.

 

No Contact, 180. I think the only way to start feeling better is not to pretend or fake (NC, 180) to reach the feeling that you really dont care anymore. Hope im there now because thats what it feels like.

 

You'll need to see her in a negative light and tell yourself that repeatedly, even when those "good time" memories linger, which will happen a lot as I'm sure you've already figured out. Remind yourself of how she used you to get to the point of venturing off on her own, and how she has overlooked what's good for her children. She's all about herself.

 

If you remind yourself of that fact, over time you won't see her as you once did. You'll see her as a rather pathetic soul and that helps with the healing. Meanwhile, get this divorce finished and then reengage yourself with a worthy female once single.

[petterr]

Met her today when she picked up D. After i specifically told her i didnt want any contact with her on monday. She texed me earlier today about some pictures of our D that she definately knew I put on her computer before she left. Think she was reaching out just to see how I reacted. I didnt answer because I knew she was comming over later. She picked up D and I didnt even look at her. She said thanks and i just closed the door. Dont feel like playing friendly after her letter. In the letter she said that lifes too short for her to nut enjoy every aspect of it.

 

Door in the face just felt right today.

[Eddie Edirol]

Met her today when she picked up D. After i specifically told her i didnt want any contact with her on monday. She texed me earlier today about some pictures of our D that she definately knew I put on her computer before she left. Think she was reaching out just to see how I reacted. I didnt answer because I knew she was comming over later. She picked up D and I didnt even look at her. She said thanks and i just closed the door. Dont feel like playing friendly after her letter. In the letter she said that lifes too short for her to nut enjoy every aspect of it.

 

Door in the face just felt right today.

 

it should feel right. She is trying to reach out and be nice now, knowing she is wrong and you arent accepting it. It will give you power and confidence when she keeps trying. let her, it will be laughable eventually. Keep slamming the door in her face, it will continue to feel good.