She cant explain why she wants to divorce

[The Blue Knight]

Nc question!

 

Because theres no way of understanding ex I really need your confirmation that im doing the right thing.

 

I keep my answers short and to the point when she texts me. This irritates her and she always sends an angry reply about my answers. I really dont care about being more then polite and to the point with her. Friendly but short is all she deserves. Why does this upset her?

Pete,

 

You'll never be able to truly answer her irrational behaviors because you're filtering those behaviors through rational viewpoints. It's hard to say why this would upset her. Perhaps she sees this as you giving up too easy although based on your previous posts I doubt that's the case. Or maybe she thinks this is a form of pouting on your part because your messages back to her are quick and to the point. Overall, she wants to move on and pretend as though everything is normal and it's not normal for you or your kids and that's what she can't seem to grasp.

[petterr]

Thanks Steadfast! Warms my broken heart!

 

Met a relative to ex today. Havent met her since this whole thing started and holy C did he have info about ex.

 

She doesnt have her on FB anymore. Reason is that ske posts ten times a day and all she talks about is the kids but mainly about partying. Even when she has the kids her weekend she writes about how she would like to party that same weekend.

 

She says its like shes eighteen again but times two. She says thas everybody sees the changes in her and everybody has negative opinions about her behavior.

 

To be honest it frightens me. For the kids sake. Guess I have to check with son a bit more about how they are doing over there. Any indication that they dont feel good I will act. Dont know how but I have to do something. NC or not. I do thing she treats the kids ok but if she only prioritize herself things could get out of hand.

 

She asked me if her family could come over sometimes because they all miss me.

 

My life is kind of good if you understand what i mean.

[The Blue Knight]

Well then I guess she has lost it Worldgonewrong. I dont care about how she reacts anymore. Im still kind of interested in what makes her tick, thought. I have come to the point that it really doesnt matter what I do. She still finds ways to get angry at me. Could it be that in time she will realize that shes lost me and not the other way around. If it was up to her we would be " friends". Kind of stupid to think that way after att the s..t shes put me through. NC is great!

 

It's a very real possibility that she will realize later what she lost Pete. What often causes you to become an instant commodity in a woman's eyes is when she sees you eventually move on with another female in your life. By that time, you won't want to put yourself through this type of pain again and you'll be happy to move on. That's very similar to what happened to me and I didn't want to revisit that part of my life ever again after I met someone who was a much better fit for me and who treated me considerably better.

 

Assuming both of you do find other relationships in the months / years ahead, at that point, it's a little easier to just move on and become "friends" although there will always be a bit of awkwardness, you'll eventually get past it just fine. But she's a bit crazy if she thinks that right now at this point in your life, you can just move into the "friend zone" without a second thought because that's not where you're at and won't be for quite a long time.

[The Blue Knight]

Thanks Steadfast! Warms my broken heart!

 

Met a relative to ex today. Havent met her since this whole thing started and holy C did he have info about ex.

 

She doesnt have her on FB anymore. Reason is that ske posts ten times a day and all she talks about is the kids but mainly about partying. Even when she has the kids her weekend she writes about how she would like to party that same weekend.

 

She says its like shes eighteen again but times two. She says thas everybody sees the changes in her and everybody has negative opinions about her behavior.

 

To be honest it frightens me. For the kids sake. Guess I have to check with son a bit more about how they are doing over there. Any indication that they dont feel good I will act. Dont know how but I have to do something. NC or not. I do thing she treats the kids ok but if she only prioritize herself things could get out of hand.

 

She asked me if her family could come over sometimes because they all miss me.

 

My life is kind of good if you understand what i mean.

Start documenting and keeping track of what you find out Pete. If it comes to a custody battle for the kids, you may need that information. I don't want you to get paranoid, but having a voice recorder with you to tape her calls and anyone you talk to about your wife may be valuable. I'm not sure in your home state what can be introduced as evidence. In my state, as long as one person is aware of the conversation being recorded (you in this case) you're fine.

 

The more I hear about your wife, the more I think she's completely stepped off the mango boat.

 

Maybe you covered this and I missed it as your thread has grown fairly lengthy, but was she a "well behaved" girl when you met her? I'm trying to get a read on her behavior. It's like she never got to sow those wild oats and now she's going to make up for it by "partying" and leaving domestic life behind. Things make a little more sense now. You're domestication was like an anchor holding her back from the lifestyle she wanted desperately to jump into with both feet. Thoughts??

[petterr]

When I met her at age 27 she had lived kind of a rough life since she was about 16. Some drugs, plenty of boyfriends and alot of partying. When I came ito her life she slowly dropped her old friends, began educating herself and seemed very stable and happy.

 

I think she freaked out! Missing some parts of her old life. Perhaps thinking its now or never.

 

It sounds like a good theory. But no life can live up to a fantasy so for kids sake i hope she gets bored sooner or later. But i suspect there will be a couple of unstable boyfriends and problems in the future if she continues on this track. Shes definately not the woman I love and more importantly the one I respect anymore!

[The Blue Knight]

When I met her at age 27 she had lived kind of a rough life since she was about 16. Some drugs, plenty of boyfriends and alot of partying. When I came ito her life she slowly dropped her old friends, began educating herself and seemed very stable and happy.

 

I think she freaked out! Missing some parts of her old life. Perhaps thinking its now or never.

 

It sounds like a good theory. But no life can live up to a fantasy so for kids sake i hope she gets bored sooner or later. But i suspect there will be a couple of unstable boyfriends and problems in the future if she continues on this track. Shes definately not the woman I love and more importantly the one I respect anymore!

 

Just the opposite then. You introduced probably some of the first hints of adult stability into her life it appears. Now, something has caused her to slip back into this weird desire for some distant remnant of that old lifestyle back. What a sad situation.

[Steadfast]

I've lived most of my adult life dealing with exes and visitation. In my experience, unless abuse is proven and the police involved the courts will not take action. You can't control her Peter...and you can't form her into the kind of mother you think she should be. She'll make sure of that because her rebellious nature is obviously part of who she is.

 

You will have to make the best of it. Stay strong. Think positive and do the things that you know need to be done. Don't expect fairness. Expect work.

 

People with low self-esteem often come off as entitled. Always trying to put themselves into a better place or get something they feel they deserve. But there are consequences to walking over someone to better yourself and she'll face them. You probably won't see it. You're better off if you don't, and have nothing to do with it. She won't learn from her mistakes if she feels you caused them. Then again, the weak of character almost always blame someone else for their problems.

 

Life is quickly becoming a situation involving you as a single dad. Again, it isn't an easy life but that is the hand you've been dealt. After reading your thoughts, I have confidence you'll pull through. Natural curiosity is expected, but don't let never really knowing what happened get in the way of you having a full and rich life. It's a cross many of us bear.

[The Blue Knight]

I've lived most of my adult life dealing with exes and visitation. In my experience, unless abuse is proven and the police involved the courts will not take action. You can't control her Peter...and you can't form her into the kind of mother you think she should be. She'll make sure of that because her rebellious nature is obviously part of who she is.

 

You will have to make the best of it. Stay strong. Think positive and do the things that you know need to be done. Don't expect fairness. Expect work.

 

People with low self-esteem often come off as entitled. Always trying to put themselves into a better place or get something they feel they deserve. But there are consequences to walking over someone to better yourself and she'll face them. You probably won't see it. You're better off if you don't, and have nothing to do with it. She won't learn from her mistakes if she feels you caused them. Then again, the weak of character almost always blame someone else for their problems.

 

Life is quickly becoming a situation involving you as a single dad. Again, it isn't an easy life but that is the hand you've been dealt. After reading your thoughts, I have confidence you'll pull through. Natural curiosity is expected, but don't let never really knowing what happened get in the way of you having a full and rich life. It's a cross many of us bear.

 

Agree Steadfast, but it never hurts to cover your tracks, and more importantly . . . protect your kids.

 

I can't tell you how many people I've had come to me over the years and explain how their ex-wife or ex-husband or ex-something or other is neglecting, or or in some way endangering their child.

 

Yet, when I ask, 9 times out of 10 these same individuals have taken no action to create proper documentation or to record conversations. Mind you, this isn't about the ex or what she's out doing. It's about taking the necessary steps to protect his kids.

 

Anyone can make a police report or go to see an attorney. It's "evidence" that becomes necessary and typically, the ex-spouse is in the best position to collect that evidence.

 

If I had a nickle for how many times these same people said "she told me this on the phone" and I've said, "had you recorded that conversation with your ex, we might have something" but without it, you've got your word against theirs and that effectively will go nowhere.

 

Keeping a voice recorder with you at all times is easy. They are slim enough to fit anywhere, and inexpensive.

 

You can't go back and try to put all the allegations together after the fact, so in retrospect I'm simply suggesting take those added precautions now because if she really begins to slide off the deep end 6 or 8 months from now, he'll be glad he was putting together a file on her that might involve any form of child neglect or endangerment in the event the time comes when he needs it.

 

And of course, never advertise the fact that you're doing this to the kids or anyone else.

[fucpcg]

Your story sounds quite a bit like me any my ex. We dated a year, we were 40 and 39, and she was quite the party girl when we met, as she went nuts after a divorce from her high school sweetheart turned husband. I am not a partier at all, so we weren't clicking. I hung in for a couple of months, as she kept saying she wanted to quit that life for me, but she never did, so I walked. She begged me back, saying she was ready to give it all up, shes so sorry, she needs me, etc. She fought soo hard to get us back together, and finally I talked thru things with her, and we had amazing relationship for about a year. Then one day, we got into a big fight about something (I'll take blame), but she walked out on me, refused to talk period. And when I contacted her once a week or so, for about a month by email, saying hey please let's just talk this out, I finally got a response of why she left me. It was about 80% BS, and about 20% valid stuff. She finished off the email by saying she will never speak to me again, I was horrible to her, I don't deserve her. I was left devastated, wondering how she felt we couldn't talk about what happened, or why she wouldn't talk about what happened. She also told me that my attempts to contact her by email were harassment, so as to make sure I totally leave her alone. I did.

 

It took some time for her behaviour since our breakup to get back to me, but it has now, and her life is one of extreme partying and lots of promiscuity. She just wanted to get back to her old lifestyle, and once she decided that's what she wanted, everything that I did to support her, all the talk of love we once had, all the history we had worth fighting for.... out with the trash. She told me she left because I was so horrible and she deserved better, well I don't think the 21 year old drunk kid I saw her leaving the bar with two weeks ago, is a better man than I am.

 

Sometimes when a girl gets wrapped up in that drunk bar party life, they throw away everything worthwhile in their lives to have it. I could never make sense of how that could be a preferred lifestyle, but for some it is.

Edited May 4, 2012 by fucpcg

[The Blue Knight]

Sometimes when a girl gets wrapped up in that drunk bar party life, they throw away everything worthwhile in their lives to have it. I could never make sense of how that could be a preferred lifestyle, but for some it is.

Which is somewhat explainable perhaps ages 18-22. Then comes the point where we have to grow up and become responsible adults. I don't get the idea of going back to that lifestyle when these women are in their late 30s and into their 40s, and on top of that they have a husband, and oftentimes kids.

 

Do these women really believe that this lifestyle isn't going to burn itself out in due time? That men won't begin to view them as middle-aged and over-the-hill, and beyond their beauty years?

 

What a sad way to finish out your life.

[petterr]

The worst part of it is perhaps that they think people in their lifes are disposable. On your death bed all thats important is the people you loved and perhaps more importantly those who loved you

 

Nothing about being drung on the dancefloor ending up in a strangers bed I bet!

[The Blue Knight]

The worst part of it is perhaps that they think people in their lifes are disposable. On your death bed all thats important is the people you loved and perhaps more importantly those who loved you

 

Nothing about being drunk on the dancefloor ending up in a strangers bed I bet!

 

Nope. You're absolutely right Pete. Lots of individuals leave this life that way and it's fairly tragic.

[fucpcg]

Once again many similarities in our stories. I have no idea who my ex is anymore. I was very close with her family, we were amazing together, she was my best friend, and I was the father her 3 boys never had (their father doesn't take an interest in their lives at all). She brought them on date 2, no joke. I didn't object because I love kids, and figured if this is a package deal, then I will show that I accept the package as is, with pleasure. Her and I spoke of marriage, the rest of our lives, possibly a child of our own, and she told me how her boys always said they wished I was their stepdad.

 

Then the fight... Refused to talk to me about it, period. Blocked me from FB, blocked her sons from my FB page, finally emails me and tells me things like she left me because I never took an interest in her kids (not one single weekend we were together did I not take ALL of us to do something, make us dinner, and spend night together watching movies). Told everyone she had to leave me because I abused her, blah blah blah.

 

The next weekend, she's seen with her 25 year old party girlfriends, the ones she dumped to get back together with me when I first dumped her. These girls are horrible, slutty, future alcoholics, who all hated me, because I took away their party buddy. Well they can feel proud now, they got their borderline alcoholic, 40 year old, mother of 3 back in the bars with them, all while telling everyone she's there because I abused her.

 

She's drunk the weekends without the kids, she's drunk the weekdays she's without the kids, and the weekends she does have the kids, her friends come over with a case of beer and drink it in her kitchen with her. She's been seen with more guys in the last two weeks, than I've been with girls in the 15 months we've been split.

 

She is thriving on the bar life, while throwing me under the bus to justify it. Some day this will be something that she regrets, but that day won't be any day soon. 14 months out, she's still nasty to me, as nasty as the day she split with me. I guess she is just doing now what us who didn't get married in our 20's, did in our 20's. I feel saddened to watch her go thru this life. I am tortured for her kids, and that I can't be there for them anymore. But as inconceivable as it is for me that she would throw away what we had for that amazing year, to hang around 25 year old drunken sluts, while bringing home her own baby boys, she finds it very suiting and appealing. I suspect she will until she finally ages to the point she can't do it anymore, that is when I suspect she will realize what an empty part of her life that was, because she'll have nothing to show for it, except for a disappointed old woman in the mirror, who threw away years of her life to a terrible existence.

 

Sorry you went thru this bud, I can't even imagine what it would be like for me if we were together as long as you and your wife. I BARELY kept it together after the breakup. It's horrible, but it happens, and when it does it doesn't seem to happen for a brief moment in time, but for year or years. You must let her go do what she has to do, because in her head that lifestyle is all that matters anymore.

[petterr]

Yep! Definately alot of similarities! Perhaps we could introduce them to eachother so they at least have some company on their way down to total misery. They could hold hands!

 

Thanks for sharing your situation! For me the most important thing is that I know who I am and who she used to be.

 

Life truly is the sum of experiences and memories. Have alot fond memories of the woman I loved. Thats enough for me!

[fucpcg]

While my ex is running around crucifying me, all I think about is the wonderful times we shared together, and how I miss so much the woman I fell in love with. I guess that as well shows the difference between us as people. It's a shame it went down like this, and it hurts just as much to know she's destroying herself as it does that we aren't together. I really wish there was something I could do, but their isn't anymore. I tried 3 times to reach out to her by letter, the last one being the year anniversary since I last saw her boys, and we all had a wonderful weekend together, one of my most memorable. It was such a well written letter, honestly, and should have reached out to any bit of the person I fell in love with left, but the letter was met with another accusation of harassment for contacting her. Once again, when they fall in love with the bar, all decency goes out the window. I had a very similar experience when I was younger, with a girl who was a late bloomer, so to speak. Once she started getting tons of male attraction, she starting going out full time, and I was left in the wake of it all.

[petterr]

I also wrote a letter one month after BD! Nothing more then a sum up of the high lights of our relationship. No begging or reconsidering from my part. Just a sum up.

 

My therapist read it two months later. Tears fell down her cheeks! At first it made me question her job but later I realized that she was just being human. Feeling my pain!

 

Ex never responded to my letter. Even though ve lived together two more months. She just confirmed that she read it!

 

Heartless!

 

When i proposed I climed a rock and told my girlfriend that if she didnt say yes I would never leave the rock. She has always loved me for that and made fun of me in a loving way!

 

Last conversation I had with her I said that I wish id still be on that rock!

 

Sad!

[petterr]

Need your thoughts!

 

My sister is one of the good guys! Throught these six months my sister has stayed out of my exes path. She hasnt talked to her at all. My ex is furious because of it. Ex has said to me that shes a spineless pussy because she never called ex and asked her how and why she broke up with me. Some days ago she wrote a couple of sarcastic things in a thread on Fb that was meant for my sister. I have tried to talk sense to ex but she has said that nothing I can say about my sister will change her mind about how she thinks about her.

 

Mind you ex removed my sister from fb second week and my sister saw how sick I became when I was forced to live with sister during our separation. She has told me that she really doesnt care about ex and that she has made a fool out of herself time and time again.

 

This should fall into the category of projection, right. Ex cant grasp what shes done and blamed others for her own behavior.

 

This is NOT my soon o be ex wife. What the hell happened to her ?

[2sunny]

Need your thoughts!

 

My sister is one of the good guys! Throught these six months my sister has stayed out of my exes path. She hasnt talked to her at all. My ex is furious because of it. Ex has said to me that shes a spineless pussy because she never called ex and asked her how and why she broke up with me. Some days ago she wrote a couple of sarcastic things in a thread on Fb that was meant for my sister. I have tried to talk sense to ex but she has said that nothing I can say about my sister will change her mind about how she thinks about her.

 

Mind you ex removed my sister from fb second week and my sister saw how sick I became when I was forced to live with sister during our separation. She has told me that she really doesnt care about ex and that she has made a fool out of herself time and time again.

 

This should fall into the category of projection, right. Ex cant grasp what shes done and blamed others for her own behavior.

 

This is NOT my soon o be ex wife. What the hell happened to her ?

 

Ignore HER need to find attention. She's creating MORE negative energy ... Don't let it be at YOUR expense by even responding.

 

She wants anyone to be the bad guy except her... Any response gives her what she's looking for - so IGNORE it ALL!

 

You can't change her perspective for her... Her perception is off - that's why she's trying to place blame on someone else.

 

Handing her ANY power is a waste of time and energy.

[petterr]

Thats my take as well 2sunny!

 

My sister is kind of afraid of ex when it comes to what she could say to her if they met. Sister says that if she acted stupid my sister would give her some truths.

 

I have learned sooo much in this forum. I told my sister that the best she could do if that day comes is to not respond to her. To not feed her anything. Its because my sister hasnt been involved that my ex is so angry with her. It has nothing to do with my sister.

 

Its frightening how empathy seems totaly lost on ex. She has no insight. Guess thats why she moved on and is happy now. But with 10-15 posts on fb a day it doesnt take a shrink to figure out that shes trying to fill some kind of hole insid her.

[2sunny]

When you stop thinking and worrying about her, what she's doing and what she might be capable of saying or not saying - THAT is when YOU will begin to heal.

 

The focus should be on YOUR HEALING at this point. No more time or energy should be spent on her AT ALL.

 

It's time to tell everyone you know you don't want to hear one thing about her. Then cut off all contact with her. She's lost her way - you can't "save her - she doesn't even want you to...

 

Take great care of yourself.

[petterr]

Thanks 2sunny!

 

It seems as though people around me want to initiate conversations about ex because nobody understands her behavior. I do not want to know yet every week something new happens. Its a small town and we know alot of people. Guess I have to be clearer. But Im worried about my kids. I know shes a good mother and that was one of her ambitions leaving me. To be the mother she wanted to be. Guess she is now. Just another sign she cant see about herself. That she had so much to do in school and with her job that she didnt have time for them. But truth is she should have even less time now that shes alone. She still wants to party even thougt they are around. Mad logic!

 

I an definately NC and your absolutely right.

[2sunny]

Be clear with friends and family. I used to say "I prefer not knowing about his life - that's over now". If you say it firmly and with a quick smile it's very effective.

[The Blue Knight]

Thats my take as well 2sunny!

 

My sister is kind of afraid of ex when it comes to what she could say to her if they met. Sister says that if she acted stupid my sister would give her some truths.

 

I have learned sooo much in this forum. I told my sister that the best she could do if that day comes is to not respond to her. To not feed her anything. Its because my sister hasnt been involved that my ex is so angry with her. It has nothing to do with my sister.

 

Its frightening how empathy seems totaly lost on ex. She has no insight. Guess thats why she moved on and is happy now. But with 10-15 posts on fb a day it doesnt take a shrink to figure out that shes trying to fill some kind of hole insid her.

I'm sure you've figured this out by now Pete, but that woman posting on FB isn't really the woman you married. She's moved on and changed so dramatically, you can't even recognize her at this point. It's sad and it's tragic that someone you loved so deeply can be so "different" from the woman you once knew so well. Sorry buddy.

 

And I do agree with your sister and you. Just ignore the ex. There's nothing she could tell your sister that will make any of this okay.

[petterr]

Hi!

 

Short update!

 

NC works like a charm but has strange and kind of annoying side affects. Get a couple of texts from ex a week reguarding nothing of importance. I still keep it short. My sister told me ex called me an idiot ( I know 2Sunny, but I couldnt stop sis from telling me) on FB the other day to her younger sister. This because Im not joining them for my 4-year olds kids party. Im having a party on my own. Her sister didnt reply.

 

Guess this NC stirrs up a bit for ex. Not my intention. But its obvious that shes angry with me because things between us didnt turn up the way she wanted it to. Then again these texts from her means something. Dont bother trying to understand her anymore.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I know you probably don't have the password..but the way I found out the real truth about my WW's affair was reading her private FB chat in the messages area. It's not something you'd see on her wall, but is something she could be doing like crazy with an OM.