Author petterr Posted July 18, 2012 Author Share Posted July 18, 2012 To her! All my defences are down! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 And the fact that you are still focusing on HER shows how much work you need to do on YOURSELF. Seek counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted July 18, 2012 Author Share Posted July 18, 2012 Not obsessing over her in the same was as when I felt really, really bad about the whole thing! You know... When I posted for the first time! Still interested in how people can act and do things like this! So out of character! Been to IC enough to know im done with that part of the healing! By focusing on the behavior I can get a better understanding of it. It really has nothing to do with her. Its my way of dealing with something that really cant be understood! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 The most productive mindset is understanding how best to take care of YOU. Others do what they are gonna do... Just depends on their intent and motives...and you may NEVER understand that part of her. IF/SINCE its SO out of character for her - understand that first - you may not have really known her authentic self and/or she may currently be altering herself with drugs and/or alcohol. Either way - she's not the woman you THOUGHT she was! Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted July 18, 2012 Author Share Posted July 18, 2012 Thanks! I get your point! I on the other hand know who I am. Or something... Eight months ago I was a family man putting all my effort in four individuals happiness and well being! Now... I live for my daughter and my step son ( when given the chance). Every other week I have problems! Like this week! Without my kids it takes time to readjust to being single. Simple as that. As for her sake! Shes doing all she can to feel good. Not my choice doing it her way! But... Im here on this forum to get feedback and learn! Learn about myself and by talking to you get perspectives that may be different from my mindset. That is how you cope! You dont cope by filling things with meaningless distractions! Im not! So im greatful for your feedback I guess! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 And you can help others here too! You have experience - you can make suggestions for others here that have been in your situation. You will learn from them too! Helping others that may need your help is the next step. Getting out of YOURSELF will help you grow and learn more about you and others. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted July 29, 2012 Author Share Posted July 29, 2012 Nine months post BD! Got a text today! We have limited contact and havent spoken about us for 3 months: " should have written a mail today but I cant wait. I am so sorry for what I have done to you. Im so sorry you have felt so bad. It was never my intention and Im sorry" Wrote back to her! When you feel like talking about it let me know! A text! Yeh! That should make her guilt free! Im happy she starts to get it but... She still has a long road ahead. She could just feel sorry and want to feel better. I dont trust her! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 An apology is meaningless unless you see the behavior that completely changes. And since it hasn't - there wasn't one reason to respond. None! When her ACTION shows she's a different person - is when you can begin to think there might be reason to "talk". Words mean NOTHING. Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted July 29, 2012 Author Share Posted July 29, 2012 I know 2sunny! Thanks! Actions so far has been zero! The ball is and has always been in her court! Im not waiting or holding my breath! Shes definately not there yet! Could be alot of reasons for that mess. In my darkest mind shes found a new guy and sends this text just to feel better about it! Time will tell... Oh! By the way! Im just fine! Not dandy but fine! Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted August 5, 2012 Author Share Posted August 5, 2012 Second new male friend in three weeks! D told me they had a visitor today. Seccond man in three weeks! We promised eachother not to introduce any new person without telling eachother. Im so sick of this! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 Yeah, that's a piss-off. I've never understood that. Prob sent you the text because dude #1 dumped her. That's usually when women do the ex reach-out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted August 5, 2012 Author Share Posted August 5, 2012 You could be right! I have a hard time believing shes emotionally stabel after everything shes done! So... In a couple of months sell be reaching out again! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 5, 2012 Share Posted August 5, 2012 Why should you care? YOU can't control what she does or doesn't do! She's gonna do what she wants - no matter what she agrees with you to do. Start focusing energy on you and getting busy being happy without her. Most men will figure out really quickly she's not emotionally available by the way she's closed off for how she feels. You should reliE for yourself that it's not adequate in a woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted August 5, 2012 Author Share Posted August 5, 2012 Well as for me im not happy but getting there! Just feel sorry for our kids. That they get sucked into her immature behaviour! Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted August 8, 2012 Author Share Posted August 8, 2012 D trying to sleep upstairs! Making alot of noice! Third day in a row shes been sad and started crying! Shes so young! The last couple of weeks she has asked alot of questions. When is mommy moving back? Why cant you and mommy marrie d....? Why do I live here with you and mommy and stepson dont! Its harder then I thought! Awnsering is difficult! " but its great that you have two places to live in. You get two special beds, two special..." and so on! Shes always carlm after our talks! This is the real down side of divorce! As adults it sucks but I dont really anyone can grasp how it effects them. I dont hate my ex! But there are things in the past that really question everything! When we told d that we were going to seperate my wife initiated the talk! She was able to say one sentence! After that she was quiet! I had to... Had to take over! After my talk with d she asked if she could go to her room and start packing! This is a thing that keeps haunting me! I did great but the person who wanted this couldnt handle it! Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I couldnt handle it myself. I mean everything! During this ordeal I do understand why some people who get divorced totally crash! She crashed! I coped! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 D trying to sleep upstairs! Making alot of noice! Third day in a row shes been sad and started crying! Shes so young! The last couple of weeks she has asked alot of questions. When is mommy moving back? Why cant you and mommy marrie d....? Why do I live here with you and mommy and stepson dont! Its harder then I thought! Awnsering is difficult! " but its great that you have two places to live in. You get two special beds, two special..." and so on! Shes always carlm after our talks! This is the real down side of divorce! As adults it sucks but I dont really anyone can grasp how it effects them. I dont hate my ex! But there are things in the past that really question everything! When we told d that we were going to seperate my wife initiated the talk! She was able to say one sentence! After that she was quiet! I had to... Had to take over! After my talk with d she asked if she could go to her room and start packing! This is a thing that keeps haunting me! I did great but the person who wanted this couldnt handle it! Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I couldnt handle it myself. I mean everything! During this ordeal I do understand why some people who get divorced totally crash! She crashed! I coped! Just be honest with your D. Put it on your W. Your Mom decided she doesn't want to be married to me anymore. That's as much as you know. Any other questions she has should be redirected to the person who should answer = your exW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted August 9, 2012 Author Share Posted August 9, 2012 Theres so many things to think about when telling D something, I think! Some questions I have said that she should ask her mother but others are more difficult! If I pass the ball to ex I know she wouldnt be able to give her the "right" awnser she needs! Simply becauce ex is so confused! So its better that I try to give her at least something she could umderstand for now! I dont think its a good thing to pass on everything to ex at this point. D is too young and wouldnt understand! So for now its better to tell her how lucky she is living at two places and so on... D understands love and thogetherness! Thet will be the next hurdle if ex brings in new men in Ds picture! Havent figured that one yet! But it is constantly in my mind! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 You don't even understand why ---> how are YOU going to explain it to her when you don't know. It's not for YOU to explain... That's your wife explanation to give. Stop trying to protect and control your D from reality! People get divorced - go on to become happy - all the time! Lead by example! The explanation isn't for you to give. A simple answer "it wasn't my choice - it was your Mothers choice" is sufficient! Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted August 9, 2012 Share Posted August 9, 2012 Just be honest with your D. Put it on your W. Your Mom decided she doesn't want to be married to me anymore. That's as much as you know. Any other questions she has should be redirected to the person who should answer = your exW. I strongly disagree. Do NOT create a daddy vs mommy dynamic. Tell them in neutral tones and language. Do not blame you nor her nor the kids. Reassure them, tell them how much mommy and daddy loves them. Do NOT put them in the middle of some blame game. This makes you no better than your xW. Consider family or play therapy to help your kids cope and adjust. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted August 9, 2012 Author Share Posted August 9, 2012 I understand 2sunny! I just feel at this moment in Ds life she needs protection. Shes not really looking for the truth! Just some type of confirmation that her father and mother loves her! Dont know if that makes any sense but for me it does! None of us have any clarity in this situation! My ex still has no clue as to the why... So a straight question from D could be a I dont know or a ask your mother! But she wouldnt understand it anyway! I think that honesty and understanding would have to come later! And then in full effect! Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted August 10, 2012 Author Share Posted August 10, 2012 About explaining the why! Spent some time with stepson a while ago! He has been forced into this as much as D and me. Perhaps even more. I asked him if his mother ever talked about it with him. He said no! The only thing his mother have said to him is that she is going to try to make their lifes good! Stepson wrote a couple of letters afrer BD! One evning our D sat in my exes lap and I was making dinner. Son handed her one of his letters. Aftwr reading it she litterady dropped D to the floor making her cry. She pulled son to her and sat him on her lap. She huged him and stared into space. D on the floore crying. I was cooking dinner and didnt really get it. So I picked up D and tried to make her feel better. His letter: My life now is ****! I used to be happy and my parents were happy. Everything was great.... My mom wants a divorce but she dont know why..... And so on! As an adult i will cope! But stepson has lost somethin that cant be fixed ever. What the hell was she thinking about? Oh! I know! Herself! Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted August 18, 2012 Author Share Posted August 18, 2012 Just wanted to check in! Todays a good day! It hasnt been often since bd in November that I feel like im feeling right now! I have the weekend all to myself and many months of facing my loneliness is starting to pay off. The sun is shining and im sitting in my garden with a good book and a glas of white cold wine! I can truly say that life is good! Yesterday I was at a consert with some friends and I have no plans for today or tomorrow! And im ok with it!* Ex asked me if she could call me when she lefd D the other day. She needed to talk about her work hours bc they have changed. She needed me to help more during her week. I told her she could call me that same evening. Guess what! She hasnt called me! Surprise, surprise! But you know what! I DONT CARE ANYMORE. Her brain is all mixed up but thats her problem. The more I dont give a damn the better I feel! A little something called progress, I believe! Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted August 24, 2012 Author Share Posted August 24, 2012 Ex w was here for dinner the other night. First time we met since she moved our half a year ago. Exept for stuff reguarding D we are NC! She understands! Just gets it! We put D to sleep and after that we talked for an hour and a half. She cried the entire time. I let her do most of the talking and validated when I agreed. Half way through she said wait... And then she said I understand now! Then she cried and said its all my fault! Everything is my fault! I told her that that wasnt the truth and explained my mistakes in our marriage. For the first time in ten months I talked to her and not the monster she became. She ended the conversation saying what can I do! What can I do! I answerd that I dont have the awnser to that question. It doesnt change anything when it comes to my life. Trust is out the door! But her defence mechanisms are slowly beginning to crumble. Back to living for me and D again. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 ...half way through she said wait... And then she said I understand now! Then she cried and said its all my fault! Everything is my fault! I told her that that wasnt the truth and explained my mistakes in our marriage. For the first time in ten months I talked to her and not the monster she became. She ended the conversation saying what can I do! What can I do! I answerd that I dont have the awnser to that question. It doesnt change anything when it comes to my life. Trust is out the door! But her defence mechanisms are slowly beginning to crumble. What a inspiring post Peter. As a man who lived it I am very proud of you. And for you. The tone and the message of this post is critical in helping so many understand how to deal with a loved one who has chosen to destroy life and love. Bottom line: we can't choose for someone else. The sooner one understands that, the sooner they heal...and help others heal. Love tempered with reality is how we deal. And regaining faith in love. She opened up because she trusts you. Your reaction made that trust stronger. Isn't it amazing when our confidence allows us the ability to listen? How confidence allows us to no longer be defensive? Accepting reality and our place in the world is the bridge to a great life. But the roller coaster ride is not over. The heart is not logical Peter. Believe me when I say this -or part of this- will remain with you for life. That's life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted August 24, 2012 Author Share Posted August 24, 2012 Thanks Steadfast! Yes! My feelings are all over the place! Seeing her as the woman I was married to and loved really messes with my mind. I actually dont know what would be the best for me emotionally. Her being the monster or being herself! Guess I saw fragments of the old wife. But she has such a long way to go before she has solved her issues. During our talk I avoided going into details about everything she did to me. Guess that made her more relaxed. I know shes not ready to face her crazy behavior and thats ok for now. I believe her work starts now. We talked about defence mechanisms and I said that hers where upp like a wall since this started. She was hellbent for happiness and I was in her way. But I told her that I didnt have any defence mechanisms at all. Thats why I went through every emotion every time she treated me like s..t! And I guess that made me feel so destroyed! Its different today! She made all the mistakes and I tried to "do the right thing". Im just sad that nothing I did made any difference. Now its time for home made ice cream with D! Life is good! Link to post Share on other sites
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