She cant explain why she wants to divorce

[2sunny]

Hi!

 

Short update!

 

NC works like a charm but has strange and kind of annoying side affects. Get a couple of texts from ex a week reguarding nothing of importance. I still keep it short. My sister told me ex called me an idiot ( I know 2Sunny, but I couldnt stop sis from telling me) on FB the other day to her younger sister. This because Im not joining them for my 4-year olds kids party. Im having a party on my own. Her sister didnt reply.

 

Guess this NC stirrs up a bit for ex. Not my intention. But its obvious that shes angry with me because things between us didnt turn up the way she wanted it to. Then again these texts from her means something. Dont bother trying to understand her anymore.

 

If her texts aren't asking a question - there may be no need to respond - as doing so may only serve as an ego stroke for her.

 

At times - I only respond to my ex H with "Thanks" or "K K" ( kind of like OK).

 

I just don't want to ENGAGE in ANY back and forth communication... So I try to ONLY respond with one word answers if I even respond at all.

 

I find that he usually designs his texts as a way of trying to hook my attention toward him - and I simply will NOT feed his ego at his point.

[petterr]

Daughters fourth birthday yesterday. First birthday with dad alone. I filled every second with fun things for her. She didnt ask for her mother once.

 

When ex called to congratulate her ex was happy but began to cry at the end of the conversation. I felt sorry for her but reminded myself of her own words " life is too short not to enjoy it to the fullest". The whole situation is just so tragic!

[The Blue Knight]

Daughters fourth birthday yesterday. First birthday with dad alone. I filled every second with fun things for her. She didnt ask for her mother once.

 

When ex called to congratulate her ex was happy but began to cry at the end of the conversation. I felt sorry for her but reminded myself of her own words " life is too short not to enjoy it to the fullest". The whole situation is just so tragic!

Yeah, and your STBX defines that as partying as a mid-lifer, whereas I'd define it as loving your family and being close to friends.

[petterr]

Feel like a **** today! Dropped of daughter for her kids party at ex place. Ex didnt even look at me. D told me this morning " dad, what would I do without you". Four years old. It hurts! So much pain just because ex has become a selfish assh... And now Im the bad guy! Go figure! Im doing everything I can to protect myself from ex ego world. But the sacrifice is almost unbearable.

[2sunny]

Feel like a **** today! Dropped of daughter for her kids party at ex place. Ex didnt even look at me. D told me this morning " dad, what would I do without you". Four years old. It hurts! So much pain just because ex has become a selfish assh... And now Im the bad guy! Go figure! Im doing everything I can to protect myself from ex ego world. But the sacrifice is almost unbearable.

 

Glad you had fun yesterday!

 

A four year old only repeats sayings that have been stated to them... So just know she's regurgitating something she's heard.

 

Your stbxw is just behaving in a way that gets you to react... No need to react. It's designed to get you to pay attention to her.

 

For today - stay busy! Go do something you enjoy! Distract yourself!

[petterr]

Thanks 2Sunny! Just back from a long walk! Guess what? Ex sent me a picture of D from the party. First im an idiot, then she doesnt talk to me when I leave D ant now she sends me a picture.

 

HELP!

[2sunny]

Well - its nice to have the picture... And IF she didn't attach any question to it - there's no need to respond.

 

She created this situation. She may not realize it yet - but it was caused by her choices - and she still chooses the same path.

 

She just wants you to be ok with her treating you like crap.

 

Honor yourself. Stick to that honor.

 

Read a book called "the voice of knowledge" and also "the mastery of love" by don Miguel Ruiz - it may give you some valuable insight as to how to handle some things moving forward.

[Med]

This is one epic topic & a good read with excellent advice given, I read almost all of the entire 21 page topic, reminded me of my ex.

 

Petterr things are only going to get better for you from now, be strong you can do it & take it from me who was also used by a user similar to your ex.

 

My ex went even further by taking me to a theater to watch a show called the dirty rotten scoundrels the week she left me “the musical version of the movie” to insult me, I worked it out later that she was hinting to me that is how our marriage was “a lie & that she enjoyed the ride” see my ex wife was also poorly focused person like you mention about your ex, my ex wife used me to climb in life whilst she was doing what not behind my back during the last years of our marriage, she was genuine at first but changed over time. Some people are down right selfish & inconsiderate of other no matter what the cost to anyone around them even their own children, those people are pretenders / fake as if no soul existing in their bodies.

 

Thought I post as my way to assure you, you’re not the only one, many of us like you & time will be your healer. Be strong.

[The Blue Knight]

Feel like a **** today! Dropped of daughter for her kids party at ex place. Ex didnt even look at me. D told me this morning " dad, what would I do without you". Four years old. It hurts! So much pain just because ex has become a selfish assh... And now Im the bad guy! Go figure! Im doing everything I can to protect myself from ex ego world. But the sacrifice is almost unbearable.

Pete, this has probably been said already on this thread but I'm going to suggest it just the same. Find things that are *good* for you. Decide what things you've pondered for self-improvement in the last few years and now's the time to do them. Get involved with a regular fitness regimen (very important); get involved in social circles; find like-minded people to insert into your life; find hobbies that you've always thought about but up to this point, never followed through on. The point is stay busy when you don't have your daughter and things will get better.

 

The worst thing anyone can do is sit and feel bad about their situation (although I know what a temptation this is).

 

Also, by getting back and reengaging life, you show the ex that you can defeat what she did to you (not that this should be your motivation) and that shows her you were better than her or anything she could toss at you.

[petterr]

Thanks!

 

Well guess today was extra hard. Do take care of myself most of the time but a phone call from D half an hour ago really tore me apart.

 

She called to say how much fun she had at the party. Ex in the backgrownd helping her along. D never calls. Shes too young. Think ex wanted to brag about how great the party was without my help. It makes me sick!

 

Then again it could be just to be friendly. Yeh right!

 

I played along! D doesnt understand!

[jwi71]

Thanks!

 

Well guess today was extra hard. Do take care of myself most of the time but a phone call from D half an hour ago really tore me apart.

 

She called to say how much fun she had at the party. Ex in the backgrownd helping her along. D never calls. Shes too young. Think ex wanted to brag about how great the party was without my help. It makes me sick!

 

Then again it could be just to be friendly. Yeh right!

 

I played along! D doesnt understand!

 

I'm quoting this one post but I'll make reference to your other replies.

 

Pertaining to the photo your xW sent - thank her. She didn't HAVE to send the photo but she did. Ignore her motivation. Simply be thankful you have a pic of your D having a great time. I would text her back a thank you.

 

Never EVER willingly skip an important for D again. Ultimately, you lose when you do. If you allow the presence of your xW to deter YOU from attending these events YOUR D WILL notice. And the lesson she will learn is Mommy is there for me and Daddy isn't. And if you suspect your xW is using your D as a weapon or a pawn to lash out at you - your xW will make sure to point that out to your D and maybe already has. Don't go down that path. That phone your D made was made possibleby YOUR SKIPPING the party and your xW jumped at the chance to drive a wedge between you and your D.

 

I can't stand my xW. I hate being on the same planet as she - mostly for the BS she pulls. But I NEVER miss an event that I'm aware of. Yes I said aware of - sometimes my xW forgets to tell me of an event or if an event time/venue has changed. Lovely. That's how bad it can get (it's actually worse but it's not about my crazy azz xW).

 

So go. Go to the events. You'll learn to cope with your xW there. In time, you won't even care as you are focused on your D.

 

The way you handle your xW NOW sets the stage for the rest of your D's life. Remember that. Take the healthy path for YOUR D. For YOU.

 

And sometimes that means you grin and bear it.

 

Extracate yourself from her. You said you don't care then promptly spend days wondering about her. I'll tell you a secret: you'll NEVER know. The answer is there is no answer. Don't worry about what she thinks or feels or your x-in laws or any of that crap. It doesn't matter. Cut it out of your life. Focus on YOU and YOUR D. That's it. That's all that matters for now.

 

Worry less about WHY your xW does whatever and spend more time proactively limiting her ability to manipulate you and your D.

 

If your sis-in-law is feeding you crap on her sister, cut her off. She is only perpetuating the drama and it's time for her to go.

 

Things to remember going forward:

1) be there for your D no matter what.

2) you'll never figure out the xW. Don't bother trying.

3) cut all ties to x-in-laws if they are talking about the xW.

4) be mindful that how you act today sets the stage for tomorrow. Think long term.

5) your xW is not on your side. Do not miss what she did when you stupidly skipped the party. Never give her that type of weapon again.

6) Live.

 

Good luck.

[petterr]

Jwi71! Thanks!

 

 

You have some good points. Cant argue with them. Lesson learned. But I didnt think ex would stoop that low. Did send her a thanks an hour after i recieved the photo.

 

Theres no way ex could influence D to think differently of me. I raised her for the most part during our marriage bc wife studied. I have her every other week and its pure heaven. Its her and I who do alot of stuff together and not the other way around. She hasnt got the time because of her studies and she spends all her money on herself partying. Not my problem but perhaps ex wanted to show me that she too can do great stuff for daughter on her own. Dont really care about her motives but yesterday was a bonus for D spending quality time with her mother and I think thats great.

 

Think its still to early for me to interact with ex in that way. It will get better in time im sure.

 

As for interacting with her relatives. They enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs. If we meet up then talking about ex is a big no no. Have been invited to join then for a BBQ this summer, without ex.aGuess its just so early and even her sisters dont understand her behavior.

[petterr]

Promised I would write to you if I ever found out that she cheated on me. Well... Yesterday I spoke to her. A month before this all started she met a guy when she was out partying. She told me they talked in the bar section the entire night and that she was surprised of how she felt for him. She said that if she could feel that way about another guy then something must be wrong with our relationship. She said nothing else happend.

 

I knew she talked to this guy that night. My sister was at the same place. Nothing else happend that night.

 

Doesnt really matter anymore. She let herself go over the edge. Now shes in free fall and I will never catch her again!

[Steadfast]

Promised I would write to you if I ever found out that she cheated on me. Well...

 

Pete, it does matter. There's a big difference between your wife cheating on you and her not cheating. Wives don't leave marriages because they talked to another man, or went to a party alone, or got drunk. They just don't. Wives leave because they want to be available for someone else.

 

Period.

 

Also, you keep saying you're NC...but you're not. At best your LC (less communication) but that less has to become limited. You've got to learn to not allow your emotions to be spun when she reaches out, sends something on the phone or calls. And that takes time...and practice.

 

You aren't there yet. And you know what? There's no shame in that.

 

Pete, before you can get better, deal with this and move on, you have to be honest with yourself. And, as an extension of that, honest here. Some will post and say "Stop being weak! Get over it!" But the process of healing and moving on does not involve a switch...it's more like a rheostat...slowly being turned down. You love her. It hurts. And it'll hurt for a while.

 

In my opinion, public events involving your daughter should not be missed because your ex is there. It is a painful process attending (I can tell you) but it's a skill you, me and everyone divorced with kids must master. Private events, in your ex's home or with her family? Pass. Do your own.

 

Like 2sunny said, when the reality of her choices becomes workable for you, you'll feel better. We all must adapt to life being changed without our consent. Controlling what you do and who you are is a good challenge.

 

Be honest Pete. Ride out the lows and know they are not forever. Hang in.

[petterr]

Thanks steadfast!

 

Well at least now I know! It makes more sense now anyways.

[2sunny]

Promised I would write to you if I ever found out that she cheated on me. Well... Yesterday I spoke to her. A month before this all started she met a guy when she was out partying. She told me they talked in the bar section the entire night and that she was surprised of how she felt for him. She said that if she could feel that way about another guy then something must be wrong with our relationship. She said nothing else happend.

 

I knew she talked to this guy that night. My sister was at the same place. Nothing else happend that night.

 

Doesnt really matter anymore. She let herself go over the edge. Now shes in free fall and I will never catch her again!

 

Not surprising.

 

And so now she doesn't need you anymore. How convenient of her. She certainly could have figured that out before kids.

 

And she waited all this time to say a thing about what she was feeling back then? What a dork.

 

I'm certain she has some guy in mind - it just wouldn't make sense if she didn't have thoughts of being with someone she has in mind.

 

Either way. You need to take care of you. Moving forward to heal is best.

 

Not all women are like this - I promise!

 

It will get better.

 

Try not to hand her all your power.

[petterr]

Thanks 2sunny!

 

Theres at least as many idiot woman as there is men. But there should me many more of the better kind. Problem is sorting out whos who. We all made that mistake once. Guess we live and learn.

 

 

Will figure out a way to have as little contact with her as possible. Takes time though with D.

 

Now the only reason I get up in the morning is to fill Ds life with happiness. And to teach her over the years to be the better kind! Not to walk in her mothers footsteps!

[Steadfast]

Now the only reason I get up in the morning is to fill Ds life with happiness. And to teach her over the years to be the better kind! Not to walk in her mothers footsteps!

 

Understand and admire the outlook friend, but be careful; she's just a little girl and little girls adore their mothers. Even bad mothers. Left unchecked, your disdain for the ex could drive a wedge between you and your daughter. Let your actions be her example...not just your words. Over the years, your daughter to develop her own understanding. Be a positive for her, including discipline. Don't engage in a 'love struggle' with your ex over the child. She'll love and respect you if you remain tough, firm but fair.

 

It'll mean a lot of tongue-biting on your part, but it'll be worth it.

 

Proud of you Pete! You're going to be just fine.

[petterr]

So! Now she has writen on her wall that she and I are a finished chapter and that nobody should speak to me about what she writes on FB! If they want to tell me they should remove her fron their FB list!

 

A friend told me... Have at least 40 friends on her FB!

 

Could she make a bigger fool out of herself?

 

Gess she wants to go NC with me on the internet but want us to have a friendly relationship in real life!

 

Bitch!

[2sunny]

So! Now she has writen on her wall that she and I are a finished chapter and that nobody should speak to me about what she writes on FB! If they want to tell me they should remove her fron their FB list!

 

A friend told me... Have at least 40 friends on her FB!

 

Could she make a bigger fool out of herself?

 

Gess she wants to go NC with me on the internet but want us to have a friendly relationship in real life!

 

Bitch!

 

She's an immature attention w@ore.

 

She's begging someone to feel sorry for her. It doesn't need to be you.

 

I'd completely block her.

 

And tell friends and family to stop telling you this stuff! Enough already!

[petterr]

I agree 2sunny!

 

She dragged our private life out in the open for all to see by calling me an idiot! A few hours later she regretted it and removed the post. But the damage was already done.

 

Now she does yet another stupid thing like this. ****! Some of her FB friends are lose friends of mine!

[2sunny]

Block her! And tell your "friends" you don't want to hear of the crap she posts!

 

That is a boundary for YOU to heal.

 

How can you expect to move forward if people keeps reminding you of the crappy stuff she's doing? You can't! So tell them NO MORE info about what she is or isn't doing!

[petterr]

Will do 2sunny!

 

Still have to work out the NC! I know its the only way to heal!

[petterr]

First time I have felt ok in my own company!

 

BBQ! All by myself! A couple of beers! And nothing more!

 

Chatting with neighbours about nothing even though I can see them feeling sorry for me.

 

I am a social guy. Hate being alone. Every day is a challenge!

 

This morning I decided not to make any plans at all this weekend.

 

Friend called and asked what I was doing tonight and if i wanted to join him and his wife for dinner. I said no!

 

Know it sounds strange but for me its about adapting to the new!

 

Its important to enjoy your own company and tonight I feel good!

[2sunny]

First time I have felt ok in my own company!

 

BBQ! All by myself! A couple of beers! And nothing more!

 

Chatting with neighbours about nothing even though I can see them feeling sorry for me.

 

I am a social guy. Hate being alone. Every day is a challenge!

 

This morning I decided not to make any plans at all this weekend.

 

Friend called and asked what I was doing tonight and if i wanted to join him and his wife for dinner. I said no!

 

Know it sounds strange but for me its about adapting to the new!

 

Its important to enjoy your own company and tonight I feel good!

 

Right on! This is good growth!!!