worldgonewrong Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Petterr- I just wanted to qualify my post, a few posts back. It's been gnawing at me. I hope I didn't come across as sounding harsh. Your best interests are only at heart, and I don't want you to fall into despair -- and then have that despair amplified if you find yourself reaching out repetitively and then coupled with commenters who might get bitter that they're dishing out the same advice to you over & over again. That said, 99.99% of the folks here are really empathetic souls, so you have nothing to worry about. And I've seen nothing but great advice in this thread for you. The long & short of it - I'm on your side, as is everyone else. Cheers. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Can you tell me how YOU have participated in your M over the years? Be specific... Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted March 26, 2012 Author Share Posted March 26, 2012 I know Worldgonewrong! The thing is that everybody is entitled to an opinion. Im exposing my life here. Even though it seems easy its not. I need the feedbaCk no matter the opinion. If you look at my earlier posts you will probably see that something is slowly happeningt to me. I dont have the truth but im learning in some ways to deal with it so im greatful for every opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted March 26, 2012 Author Share Posted March 26, 2012 Well 2sunny! Wouldnt that be a looong story? Dont know what your looking for. So you have to help me out! Link to post Share on other sites
Jstub Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Petterr- I just wanted to qualify my post, a few posts back. It's been gnawing at me. I hope I didn't come across as sounding harsh. Your best interests are only at heart, and I don't want you to fall into despair -- and then have that despair amplified if you find yourself reaching out repetitively and then coupled with commenters who might get bitter that they're dishing out the same advice to you over & over again. That said, 99.99% of the folks here are really empathetic souls, so you have nothing to worry about. And I've seen nothing but great advice in this thread for you. The long & short of it - I'm on your side, as is everyone else. Cheers. I think LS is great but obviously everyone sees the one side of the story. No matter how honest we are about our posts and conditions, there is always 2 sides to the story. I am 100% sure that if people reading these forums saw the other side of the story, they might say different things. Sometimes, we don't even know what our spouses/ partners are thinking, so it is hard. What I am trying to say, we are all at fault - spouses don't wake up one day and decide to cheat, something lead them there. It's very important to understand what that was. I have come to that realization. It's not about blaming yourself for everything, it's about owning up to your own set of screw ups and learning. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Well 2sunny! Wouldnt that be a looong story? Dont know what your looking for. So you have to help me out! Just wondering what she MAY be thinking SHE'S running away from. For instance - IF you participated by being controlling, demanding, critical and/or demeaning - most women WOULD be anxious to get away. Just asking for some info to see IF there is good reason WHY she may want to be away. Hence, the reason why I asked how YOU participated over the years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted March 26, 2012 Author Share Posted March 26, 2012 Ok! Ill give it a shot! When I met my wife ten years ago she was unemployed. She lacked a sense of direction and I had reasently finished my studies and had a good job. Over the years she found her calling and started to hitbthe books. She worked for five years and started school again two years ago. Im kind of a confident guy and she is a pretty strong woman. I have encouraged her throught her carer climbing and she has grown as a person and me with her. She has a great seld confidence but low selfasteem. I have been kind of dominant when it comes to what I want out of things but I feel I have always taken her feelings under consideration. I have never walked all over her. I am certain that she has felt somethimes that she would have liked to do stuff more on her own. She has said that she didnt always want to do things... Refering to me doing things with the kids and so on. She says that sometimed she just wanted to BE! And she has also said that she would have liked to have a girlfriend to hand out with and that we didnt have to do things together all the time. This she has told me a couple of times during our marrige. Perhaps these are some of the issues that has grown over the years. I have never said anything if she didnt want do do something together wih me and the kids and i have never commented if he wanted to do something by herself. My philosophy about a working relationship is that first your one, then two, then a family. every part needs to be nurtured in order to work. If you ask me these are the only reasons I can think of when it comes to something that has grown so big that she felt trapped in some way. Perhaps this is one piece of the puzzle. But you couldnt really balme me for things she did or didnt do. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Ok! You paint yourself as a perfect husband and are adamant to stand firm on that. You aren't looking for the reason(s) she may want to bolt. And you certainly aren't going to be blaming anything that YOU may have done to cause any of this. So - since you can't "see" how you may have contributed to it all - there isn't anything we can help YOU with here. As long as you don't recognize where you may be at fault - there is nothing that will change. "something" pushed her away. Whatever that something is - you're not admitting it - and you're not finding it out from her - therefore the only thing left to do is to accept that she wants to stay away and you may never know what that "something is"! Now, IF you had said "I was controlling and manipulative and required her to do this and that" THEN we would have some suggestions to make for YOU... Suggestions that COULD change things for BOTH of you - by NOT ACTING THAT WAY any further! But you haven't given anything that YOU deem necessary to change - so we have nothing to work with... You may just need to understand she doesn't intend to be married any longer! IF that's the case - then serve her with divorce papers and tell her you're giving her what her ACTIONS show you she wants... Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted March 26, 2012 Author Share Posted March 26, 2012 Thanks! But theres no perfect husband! I am certain i have a part in this. Otherwise I would think im stupid. Like i have said before I have gon to a therapist wanting to understand both my wife and my own contribution to what happened. I have learnd alot about myself and things i perhaps could have done differently. If you look at wat I just wrote thats my perspective. She most definately has hers even though she canv verbelize them. The problem is, and this i have told her, that I cant understand what my part is in this unless she tells me about it. But she cant. She takes full responsibilety for ending our marrige and it took four months for her to be able to say that it was my " bad" sides that canged things. But she FREAKING cant say what my bad sides are. I still think its a way for her to justify her leaving. She owns the problem and cant describe what it is... Go figure! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Thanks! But theres no perfect husband! I am certain i have a part in this. Otherwise I would think im stupid. Like i have said before I have gon to a therapist wanting to understand both my wife and my own contribution to what happened. I have learnd alot about myself and things i perhaps could have done differently. If you look at wat I just wrote thats my perspective. She most definately has hers even though she canv verbelize them. The problem is, and this i have told her, that I cant understand what my part is in this unless she tells me about it. But she cant. She takes full responsibilety for ending our marrige and it took four months for her to be able to say that it was my " bad" sides that canged things. But she FREAKING cant say what my bad sides are. I still think its a way for her to justify her leaving. She owns the problem and cant describe what it is... Go figure! So.... IF you were her - what's YOUR best guess as to what your bad side looks like? Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted March 26, 2012 Author Share Posted March 26, 2012 Well! Its difficult because I dont think I have such bad sides that it would lead to a divorce. But no one does right? I think however that sides of me shes accepted before has turned into sides she doesnt like anymore. But... Well I think i have mentioned all I can think of! Sorry! Im sure there are other things but i would need her help with those! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 After that many years with a person - you must have some idea what you have done that she doesn't like. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Bottom line is this... If you cannot figure out "what's wrong"...there is no way in heck you're gonna be able to reconcile and save your marriage. For you, this boils down to one of two options. Either figure out what else you can do to try to solve that riddle (nothing we've suggested has done any good, as you've apparantly tried it all with no success)... Or...accept that your marriage is over and do the best you can to protect yourself and your family in the divorce. Embrace that new life you're about to get. Really, I don't see any other choice for you. Maybe seek out some kind of "professional help" to help you sort out what's going on in your wife's life? Hire a PI? Seek a professional counselor? I dunno. Either invest in a very good PI...or invest in a very good lawyer. That's what it all sums up to as I see it. Don't see any other options...do you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted March 26, 2012 Author Share Posted March 26, 2012 Your right Owl! Just talked to her for an hour! My closure! Its over! Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Well, I'm sorry it worked out this way, but I'm glad that you're moving forward!!! So, what's the plan on the divorce? At this point, it's probably all that the two of you have left to work out. Link to post Share on other sites
gibson Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 She sounds like she has G.I.G.S.... You see this often with people in their late 20's / early 30's if they married young and never had a chance to "experience life on their own", didn't have / take the opportunity to date around, etc. For more information, read the following: "The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome and... Dumped by someone with G.I.G.S.? All your Questions are Answered within this thread! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 So what was said in that hour conversation that made you know it's over? What info did she provide? Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted March 27, 2012 Author Share Posted March 27, 2012 Owl! Divorce final in June. 2Sunny! Absolutly nothing! She took notes. Herd her write the entire time. ( still think theres something wrong with her) Said she would write me a letter. Well... I didnt intend go give up but... A person who cant even look you in the eyes after ten years. I deserve better. In the end I kind of broke up with her too. But respectfully so! What she couldnt do! Ill return with a summery of what she wrote when I get the letter. Again thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 Owl! Divorce final in June. 2Sunny! Absolutly nothing! She took notes. Herd her write the entire time. ( still think theres something wrong with her) Said she would write me a letter. Well... I didnt intend go give up but... A person who cant even look you in the eyes after ten years. I deserve better. In the end I kind of broke up with her too. But respectfully so! What she couldnt do! Ill return with a summery of what she wrote when I get the letter. Again thanks! Writing the whole time? What the hell for? That....is a little perplexing. I would record any conversations you have with her from here on out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted March 27, 2012 Author Share Posted March 27, 2012 She wrote because she cant process her thoughts and meet my questions. Her brain has functioned like this since this all started. No alterior motive. This im absolutly sure of. I told you something has happened with her. Something mental! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 So how do you have an hour conversation with someone who isn't responding to you? We're you talking the entire hour? I don't get it... You told her you intend to divorce and she didn't even respond to that? Is she on any medication? Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted March 27, 2012 Author Share Posted March 27, 2012 As i have told you before she is on medication. Alot acctually. A year ago she started on additional " heavy" drugs for her reumatism. But I have checked all of her medicin and nothing mind altering is implied. But... With about 20 pills a day for five different things... You tell me! Of course there are side affects so who knows what the combination could affect her. Well she wasnt completely silent but most of the time. I feel she hasnt got any thing to say. Cant explain and has a problem thinking straight. During all this **** she as even adapted my thoughts and made them into her own. Somethimes I can hear an answer comming out of her mouth that I know doesnt come from her but someone she has listend to. Cant explain why I feel that but I just do. She has however changed her explenation when it comes to why she wants out. From that she feel that she let me take over her life to its my bad sides that took over. I still believe shes so confused about who she is and the only way of coping is to flee from who she was. But I no longer care to be dragged down by her confusion. I do however hope she finds what shes looking for, for the kids if nothing else! I have to tell you that sometimes, just sometimes when she speaks i recognize the old wife. And what pops out then is kind of scary. Cant give you any examples but I can hear it in her voice. Think shes in a dark dark place. This is her only option. Survival. Just sorry she thinks the solution is fleeing from me. Shes wrong and now after six weeks sje really should feel better, right! But she doesnt! Go figure! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 It doesn't make logical sense to me... You're on the phone for an hour - she's saying very little - so, really you're either talking out loud to yourself (essentially) - or you're trying to convince her into something... Ok, since SHE wasn't saying much - what were YOU saying for that hour? Link to post Share on other sites
Author petterr Posted March 27, 2012 Author Share Posted March 27, 2012 Hahaha! Well a closure for me is to try so sum up why things happened the way it happened. This had acctualy nothing to do with her. I knew she couldnt answer my questions. No reason to even try to get anything more out if her. As shes said in the past during all this: you have no acces to my feelings. You cant make me talk. This " conversation" had nothing to do with her. Guess its something I needed to move on! Tragic in a way! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 27, 2012 Share Posted March 27, 2012 You know... I've asked you several different ways exactly what YOU said during that hour to her... Yet you won't answer me. I find it completely frustrating to get info from you - just the same way you are accusing her. You seem to follow a pattern - you don't want to OWN (be responsible for) the way YOU participate. Nor do you want to tell us. Link to post Share on other sites
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