Emotionally Abusive?

[MarlaOryx]

My recent ex refused to take responsibility for his actions. He said he didn't want to deal with my emotions at all, and he was certainly not responsible for any of them, not if something he said or did hurt my feelings. Although, when he got upset because of something I said or did, it was certainly my responsibility and my fault. When he was scared, he demanded to be heard. When I was scared, it was my problem.

 

We were very open and honest, had great communication. Great sex. It was rather blissful when we were together. When we were apart, I dealt with a lot of anxiety because I knew I couldn't turn to him if I was feeling sad or scared.

 

He still sees his ex and is inappropriately affectionate with her. They don't have sex anymore, but they are still in love. This is okay, as he and I were in a polyamorous relationship, but I felt neglected emotionally when he would be there for her and not for me.

 

After one evening of greatly inappropriate affection with his ex (especially because she's not over him and all this affection just confuses her) and he all but completely ignored me, I texted him that I felt neglected. He flipped out. Got really angry with me and things were never the same. (We split a week later.) That weekend immediately after that evening was pretty great, except for the very VERY rough sex. It was painful, actually. And it really took me by surprise. After a few minutes, as he just got more and more rough, because I started to feel abused, I stopped him and asked if he loved me. He became very gentle and said that he did. That not only he loved me, but he absolutely adored me. The rest of the day was great. That evening was great. We spent the night together. Made love and meditated in the morning, then three hours after I left his place, he called my husband all upset after a conversation with said ex GF. He wouldn't talk to me.

 

He was never the same. It was like he had a personality transplant. That week he was cruel. Broke plans with me to see his ex. Then, on our 3rd month anniversary, he said he felt the need to step away from this relationship. He wasn't "done," but he needed space to allow the "relationship he's always dreamt of" to manifest in his life. That he knew we weren't life partners.

 

A week earlier he was saying how attached he was to me, how crazy he was about me, how well we worked, and how he was happier when I was there than when he was by himself, something that he admitted was very scary for such an independent person to say.

 

All I heard was that he wanted to keep me around for sex while he looked for something better. Because he had basically told me the same thing the week before when contemplating breaking up with his other GF (not the ex, a 3rd. I know this is getting complicated. Such are the nature of poly relationships!). He didn't have the emotional or spiritual connection with her as he did with me. The sex was okay, but he often felt obligated with her. The sex with me was amazing. And they didn't have the communication we did...but he didn't want to break up with her because he still wanted "the option to be sexual with her" when he wanted.

 

So that's all I heard for me.

 

Not okay. We had sex that night, and I cried all the way through it. I went home to my husband and he held me through panic attack after panic attack, because it just felt so over. My husband said this wasn't a relationship and I needed to end it. That he was setting me up to be in the position of his ex GF...on the sidelines.

 

So when I got a text from him the next day, I replied that I was worth more than he was willing to give and broke up. Cowardly way to do it. I know. Apologized 3 days later in a long letter and offered reconciliation. He declined. Said that what we had was beautiful, but what didn't work really didn't work. That he loved me, and that maybe we could be friends at some point, but that we shouldn't talk for a few weeks (which I said I would require for healing if we stayed split).

 

Is this an emotionally abusive man? The way he strings his ex along? Keeping women around for sex? Turning on a dime from pure bliss to some stranger arrogant ass with very tall walls? Aggressive sex?

 

Not to mention his has HSV2 and doesn't tell any of his lovers. He justifies it by saying he's on the suppressant drugs and has less that a 1% chance of passing it on. He uses condoms 100% of the time now, but not for oral.

Edited March 17, 2012 by MarlaOryx

[rn0408]

My recent ex refused to take responsibility for his actions. He said he didn't want to deal with my emotions at all, and he was certainly not responsible for any of them, not if something he said or did hurt my feelings. Although, when he got upset because of something I said or did, it was certainly my responsibility and my fault. When he was scared, he demanded to be heard. When I was scared, it was my problem.

 

We were very open and honest, had great communication. Great sex. It was rather blissful when we were together. When we were apart, I dealt with a lot of anxiety because I knew I couldn't turn to him if I was feeling sad or scared.

 

He still sees his ex and is inappropriately affectionate with her. They don't have sex anymore, but they are still in love. This is okay, as he and I were in a polyamorous relationship, but I felt neglected emotionally when he would be there for her and not for me.

 

After one evening of greatly inappropriate affection with his ex (especially because she's not over him and all this affection just confuses her) and he all but completely ignored me, I texted him that I felt neglected. He flipped out. Got really angry with me and things were never the same. (We split a week later.) That weekend immediately after that evening was pretty great, except for the very VERY rough sex. It was painful, actually. And it really took me by surprise. After a few minutes, as he just got more and more rough, because I started to feel abused, I stopped him and asked if he loved me. He became very gentle and said that he did. That not only he loved me, but he absolutely adored me. The rest of the day was great. That evening was great. We spent the night together. Made love and meditated in the morning, then three hours after I left his place, he called my husband all upset after a conversation with said ex GF. He wouldn't talk to me.

 

He was never the same. It was like he had a personality transplant. That week he was cruel. Broke plans with me to see his ex. Then, on our 3rd month anniversary, he said he felt the need to step away from this relationship. He wasn't "done," but he needed space to allow the "relationship he's always dreamt of" to manifest in his life. That he knew we weren't life partners.

 

A week earlier he was saying how attached he was to me, how crazy he was about me, how well we worked, and how he was happier when I was there than when he was by himself, something that he admitted was very scary for such an independent person to say.

 

All I heard was that he wanted to keep me around for sex while he looked for something better. Because he had basically told me the same thing the week before when contemplating breaking up with his other GF (not the ex, a 3rd. I know this is getting complicated. Such are the nature of poly relationships!). He didn't have the emotional or spiritual connection with her as he did with me. The sex was okay, but he often felt obligated with her. The sex with me was amazing. And they didn't have the communication we did...but he didn't want to break up with her because he still wanted "the option to be sexual with her" when he wanted.

 

So that's all I heard for me.

 

Not okay. We had sex that night, and I cried all the way through it. I went home to my husband and he held me through panic attack after panic attack, because it just felt so over. My husband said this wasn't a relationship and I needed to end it. That he was setting me up to be in the position of his ex GF...on the sidelines.

 

So when I got a text from him the next day, I replied that I was worth more than he was willing to give and broke up. Cowardly way to do it. I know. Apologized 3 days later in a long letter and offered reconciliation. He declined. Said that what we had was beautiful, but what didn't work really didn't work. That he loved me, and that maybe we could be friends at some point, but that we shouldn't talk for a few weeks (which I said I would require for healing if we stayed split).

 

Is this an emotionally abusive man? The way he strings his ex along? Keeping women around for sex? Turning on a dime from pure bliss to some stranger arrogant ass with very tall walls? Aggressive sex?

 

Not to mention his has HSV2 and doesn't tell any of his lovers. He justifies it by saying he's on the suppressant drugs and has less that a 1% chance of passing it on. He uses condoms 100% of the time now, but not for oral.

 

You just stated earlier you have been diagnosed with BPD for over 20 years. If you are with BPD, you are normally a compulsive liar, sex with many people, and can't hold onto a relationship You are toying with his mind to make him confused so you can keep him. You are not the victum, he is! Previously in your post I said we support you, well...you are leading a destructive path just like my ex. You are even cheating on your husband! Get help or be a annoying pest!

[MarlaOryx]

I'm not cheating on my husband. We're in a polyamorous marriage.

 

I feel very hurt by your accusations. I am not a liar, actually. Nor do I cheat. I have been in a very loving relationship with my husband for 13 years.

 

Please don't judge me because of a diagnosis that doesn't even fit who I am. I was 19 then. I was diagnosed 23 years ago in the Navy. I've had several therapists since tell me that it was a wrong diagnosis. That I am not a typical BPD.

 

How would you read this post if you didn't know about the label?

 

Would you please tell me how you see me toying with his mind?

If that's true, then I would like to understand how.

It seems that he was toying with me. So if I'm seeing this backwards, please help me understand.

Edited March 19, 2012 by MarlaOryx

[CopingGal]

I've been noticing that people in the Abuse forum are harsh and cruel. Why? People are coming in here because they feel terrible. They need comfort, not harshness.

[CopingGal]

I'm not cheating on my husband. We're in a polyamorous marriage.

 

I feel very hurt by your accusations. I am not a liar, actually. Nor do I cheat. I have been in a very loving relationship with my husband for 13 years.

 

Please don't judge me because of a diagnosis that doesn't even fit who I am. I was 19 then. I was diagnosed 23 years ago in the Navy. I've had several therapists since tell me that it was a wrong diagnosis. That I am not a typical BPD.

 

How would you read this post if you didn't know about the label?

 

Would you please tell me how you see me toying with his mind?

If that's true, then I would like to understand how.

It seems that he was toying with me. So if I'm seeing this backwards, please help me understand.

 

Hello dear,

 

So sorry you have been through all of that. I always say, if you have to try to figure out if you are being abused, that's enough to stay away. In 2008 I couldn't figure out if I was being abused. I should have left and stayed gone. I left. I came back. In 2011, it was apparent to me that I was being psychologically abused and I'm still healing from that horrible person. If I have to think about whether or not I am being abused, that is enough to leave.