It's OVER

[Mr Spock]

Just got an email stating he wants to call it off because he's feeling guilty and he's afraid his wife will find out. Actually two, explaining he's been avoiding the issue.

 

So I'm NOT crazy. WTF do I do now? I explained that I didn't actually want to sleep with him but I wasn't sure if he'd freak out if I said we needed to talk.

 

I'm ANGRY...scared......a little sad....plus I'm at work so I'm a little freaked out.

 

I just told him there were things we needed to discuss and he should make the time to do it in person, because he owed me that and I owed him that at least.

 

 

I wish I'd been the one to end it, but is it my role to play the forever victim? I feel used. He had his fun with me then cast me aside I guess.

 

Really, really USED. Called his office and left a msg with his co worker to call me. May not happen.

[Mr Spock]

I am so F***D up. I am so stupid.

[supermom]

Your not stupid, unless you do not learn from this. You deserve better, his WIFE deserves better, everything happens for a reason.

 

Your best bet is to work on getting over him and moving on with your life.

 

Good luck and best wishes!

[Mr Spock]

I am alternating between crazy rage and sadness right now. He actually sent two messages, asking if I was "Ok" with this. I just told him in case he wasn't clear on my last message or the call that we needed to talk face to face. It needs to be done like this breakup needed to be done. And that' I'd be VERY not OK if he ignored this.

 

It wasn't a threat. It was a promise.

[Mr Spock]

I'm not quite sure how to proceed from here. I've let him know that I would be very steamed if we didn't get a chance to talk face to face. Do Ilet him know how angry or hurt I am, or do I tell him the next time his marriage hits a snag do everyone a favour and leave before you **** other people.

 

I certainly can't be friends with him.

[johan]

I don't blame you for feeling hurt and angry. He sounds like a moron.

 

What's the purpose of a face to face meeting? What would that achieve? You know everything you need to know. I believe you can provide your own "closure" on this, and I'm not sure there is more to discuss. I'm curious more than anything. I agree that he SHOULD have had the guts to tell you in person. But he didn't, so what are you going to get from him in person that you didn't get in the emails?

[kechara]

You want validation. You want the chance to rage at him and point out what a jerk he is and that he used you and you want to tell him you love him and that won't ever change.

 

Spock, we can never say all of the things we wanted to say. I broke up with my MM 3.5 weeks ago. I left my office 20 minutes before a meeting picked him up in the parking lot and told him we could have no more contact. In the next 10 tearful minutes I accused him of being stupid for taking changes, I told him I was angry at him for taking those chances without making me aware that he was (because my career was on the line), and I told him I felt like he used me so that he could get caught so he had a way to finally say to his wife, "I want out."

 

And Spock, with all that said, I wish I could have had 3 hours to say everything else that was in my mind then and that came up later.

 

The point: THERE WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH TIME.

 

Like smoking, I am learning the best way to make this break is cold turkey. There will be loose ends. You won't find closure with him. But I can assure you, you will start to find closure in yourself.

 

How did I cope with all of the things I hadn't gotten to say to him that continually assaulted my mind?

 

I wrote letters to him. At first, it seemed as if I wrote a letter an hour. And then, a letter every few hours. Eventually, a couple days would go by between letters. Finally, now, I am finding that the letters are starting to turn into me talking to myself, rather than a conversation with him.

 

DO NOT SEND THE LETTERS!!!! This is a tool for you to feel as if, in some metaphysical way, you are able to communicate all of your rage and hurt and sorrow to him.

 

Please go read my response to confusion in my own thread, "Broke up with a married man whose wife..." I was summarizing some of the other lessons I've learned over the last 3.5 weeks since I broke up with him.

 

I'll keep checking in on you to see if I can help.

 

But. please, let him go. There may be no apparent justice here, but I truly believe the old saying, "What goes around, comes around." Someday, you MUST BELIEVE, he will understand the hurt he has caused you when he is hurting in the same way. That is the only salve for your need for revenge.

 

And, I guarantee, once the rage has dimmed, you will start to humbly realize that, as much as you were the victim, you also played a part in this. There are many reasons why we do this to ourselves. With a little time, you will figure out yours.

 

Mine: my father died young and I somehow took on a huge burden of guilt (as if I had a part in it) for the fact that he never was happy/fulfilled, esp in his marriage to my mostly psychotic mother. So now, TWICE, I have tried to save these men that I grow to care about from the same fate.

 

I am starting to learn- I CAN NOT SAVE EVERYONE.

 

Figure out your reason. It will help.

[kiababy]

........ I love the writing letters thing, I've written some myself, maybe one day I'll actually use them. I'm so sorry you didn't get a chance to end it the way you wanted to Spock. It's unfair, it bites, it sucks. He is a son of a b***h for how he's treated you. For the people posting "get over it and get on with your life..." how about giving the girl some grieving time huh????? She's hurt and upset - that is how she feels. She has a right to those feelings. She really cared for this man.

[Mr Spock]

I am angry, at myself for not jumping the guna month ago.

 

I have promised my friend I will not do anything rash for at least a day. So all relax.

 

 

If your man was having an affair would you want to know? I'm considering having someone tell her. Please note I AM angry and this may change. I would never tell her myself.

 

My friend is saying "you gave the pussy away for free. Don't blame him for taking it. You only got ****ty when you realized your pussy was worth more"

 

 

 

I could have some one hint to her. If this is to be a clean break COMPLETELY I would feel better knowing 6 months down the road he won't come knocking on my door when things are tough. I would feel better with him hating me, then having that option open. I don't want to be on this forum 7 years later with the same damn problem.

 

Someone nuture my need for revenge dammit.

[Mr Spock]

It's the second day and after a night of terrible sleep and much talking to friends and family I am fairly serene. I am scared that if I do get a chance to talk to him face to face I will get angry or cry. I don't want to give him that kind of satisfaction or power that he's upset me this much.

 

I am hurting right now. I would rather be angry.

 

 

In one of my more calm moments last night I actually felt like talking to him to try and HELP him. Now that he's so scared that his wife will find out and he's feeling guilty obviously things have improved in his marriage enough that he cares about losing his life-I want to ask him to tell her, now, when he would fight for his life the most. So that in a year or 6 months when it's not so good he doesn't put me or someone else through this ****.

[Mr Spock]

Give me the strength not to cry in front of him.......

 

Let me be strong.

 

 

But I will not allow him the luxury of being friends with ME, because I am an extremely special person, and he doesn't deserve that.

[kiababy]

You can do it!

[Paradise]

Having an affair with M/M or M/W and even with G/F or B/F can be emotionally draining.

Talking to him will not making things better.

You need to walk away and move on.....never look back.

We all learn from our mistakes.

[Maria46]

Spock,

 

I hope you know that all of us here are hoping that you finally end this with that man. You deserve better than this.

 

All the posts about how OW are picked on, it is only out of care and concern that people express themselves the way they do.

 

You deserve to be happy with someone you don't have to share with anyone else. Get out of the mess you are in and get a life and be happy.

 

Maria

[jollyone]

you got exactly what you deserve.

 

 

 

Why does it matter who called it off? Are we in high school again?

[Mr Spock]

It's done, I won't go into details except to say he was feeling very guilty and scared and nervous so couldn't continue sleeping with me, although he wanted us to be friends-stated he has no feelings towards me (I really DID get what I deserved, didn't I jollyone?) I expressed mine towards him and he stated he had no real idea, and that if I had told him earlier he would have stopped sleeping with me then. It's very hard to deal with right now. I am alternating between feeling strong and happy and free and feeling MISERABLE. Especially when I still belive he's attracted to me. feeling guilty due to increased church activity my ass. And this isn't the first time he's cheated on his wife, I gleaned as much but he wouldn't confirm or deny it, although he did say this was the first time he's had to break up with a mistress.

 

 

I need to make a clean break. I kept telling him how I felt about the whole thing and he kept asking him to do. I couldn't think of anything to say to that.

 

Now, I want to email him and tell him what I wanted was for him to give my feelings a chance. Which is why I am avoiding the computer. Please tell me why I don't want to do this again? Anyone? Where has my sense of pride gone? I asked him how he thought we could continue to be friends when we hardly see each other and he responded "I email you all the time, and we run into each other all over town". How the hell can I continue to maintain a friendship with this man when I'll always want him? What I need to do is NOT email him. NOT talk to him. Acknowledge, and move on to my business. I need to remember that HE did not want ME in the same way I did him, and not allow him to enjoy my personality because of it. I asked him if he was going to tell his wife he said "Noooooooo, I don't think that would help matters" and I asked him if he thought he owed it to her and he said "Noooooo, I don't think I'm going to tell her"

 

I asked him what he was going to do in 6 months to a year when his marriage was the sh*ts again and he said "keep it in my pants"

 

Which I don't believe. I'm angry, a little. My friends are angry, although not suprised. So really the only thing he did to me was just not return my feelings-it was my fault for having them inthe first place, although after 6 months it's kind of hard for me not to.

 

I'll update later. This is healing for me-I know affairs are wrong and hurt everyone-but I need to express feelings too.

[leilab]

Hey Spock,

At least he did meet with you face to face and talk to you. And this is from a man that has "no feeling" for you. Most of us (including me) were dropped cold turkey, or called on the phone with no face to face contact. And this from our MM that claimed that we were their "soul mates" and "wanted to spend the rest of our lives together".

 

If you ask me at least the guy had the balls to talk to you and actually told you exactly how he feels. Too bad you did not dump him before he got to it -

 

But you have been feeling this coming down the path for a while. The dread of it actually happing is worse than the actuality. Now the worst is over - you can deal with the facts.

 

Yes, I know you feel like begging and pleading - but you would be holding your pain from a position of fear and paralysis. The only way to feel better is to put yourself in the power position - and deal with this from that perspective. You know you can handle it -

 

Even if if he did not end it - you don't want to be together with someone who does not reciprocate your feelings. Whether he is married or not - that is really irrelevant.

[Mr Spock]

Yeah I know I'm lucky I guess, but he's in between a rock and a hard place when it comes to me. Can't afford to piss me off too much our social circles touch too often.....I just have to remember not to abuse that. Said he wouldn't be available to talk more in person this weekend but would this week, but I think I'm done.....

[sinner]

Endings are a bit*h, Spock, a real bit*h. A relationship is a relationship regardless of the label and social opprobrium attaching. You seemed head-over-heels in love with this guy and your love affair ended before your body and mind were ready.

 

Given the early stage, and the intensity of feelings, this might be one of a number of false endings, which frequently plague affairs that begin the long slow winding down. In other words, in the proper setting you guys might rekindle, but even if you do, it will never be the same. You just can't go back to the beginning. (Check out ColdPlay's song, The Scientist)

 

I recommend lots of social activity--even a superficial rebound relationship with a single guy. Find someone to validate you as a woman, person and lover other than your MM. Break the chain, break the chain. Go cold turkey--it's the only way.

 

Good luck. And by the way, screw the friendship thing. Post-break-up "friendships" are most often emotional insurance policies. Learn to play with others.

[Mr Spock]

That's great advice sinner. I plan to take it to heart.

 

 

Could you explain the "emotional insurance" thing to me?

 

My understanding is if we're "friends" I can't **** up his life.

[sinner]

Post break-up "friendships" are frequently ways to hedge ones bets. A friendship is a seemingly innocent way to maintain emotional and interpersonal connection. Many of us dumpees, in immediate post break-up mode, need our Other. I mean we will take anything from him or her. We're so starved for our Other that we'll feast on whatever emotional crumbs our Other throws our way. The hunger for this person is that great; the longing that painfully intense.

 

The Other keeps us in his or her emotional orbit just in case things don't go well with the Mr. or Mrs. at home. We become back-up relationship insurance if the Other has second thoughts. Friendship is just another word for emotional bondage.

 

You're still serving him. Now, however, its emotional servitude rather than anything overtly sexual.

 

By the way, I expect that you two will rekindle. The reunion sex and wooing will be over-the-top, but, at the end, you'll still have nothing and he has his marriage.

 

And when you're finally gone, I bet he'll harvest another affair. He likes this too much to stop.

[Maria46]

Spock,

 

Listen to what sinner had to say. He is so right about things.

 

These next few days are going to be real tough on you. Don't send him an e mail no matter what. You have to be strong. Call your friends, go out and keep busy.

 

Sinner talked about getting back together with him. This is possible, but it will always be the same.

 

That is how people raised in dysfunctional families gravitate to more dysfuntion unless they seek help.

 

Please take care of yourself. You have alot of support here in this forum wishing only the best for you

[Mr Spock]

I wish I could be in a place where I don't feel HOPEFUL when you say the realtionship may start up again. I wish the words "rekindle" made me scared instead of happy and hopeful.

[Maria46]

Was just thinking about you and wondering how you are doing??

[sinner]

It all depends where one is on the relationship arc.I suspect you're near the peak. Neurochemically, your brain, right now, is bathed in attachment/lust hormones. You're a "love" junkie badly in need of your "love" fix. Your are, as they say, chemically dependent--in the throes of attachment.

 

I know, spock, I've been there. I've been there. It ain't pretty: deep heartache and sharp anguish are your constant companions. In time, as you go cold turkey, you'll shake these feelings. In time.

 

Assuming no rekindling, 6 months or a year from now, as you lie awake one morning in the arms of your new lover, you'll think back to this time and ask yourself: How could I have cared so much about so little? Indeed, how?

 

Once the fog of love finally clears, and you can see and feel clearly once again, you'll find he really wasn't much at that.