It's OVER

[EnigmaXOXO]

It'll pass. The first time is always the hardest. And as long as you haven't traded in those greasy burgers for boiled rabbit, you're doing just fine.

 

I always find it interesting when I talk to younger women vs. older women about "what it is that attracts them to a particular person."

 

When we're younger (twenty-something) we tend to gravitate towards the "good time Charley"...someone fun and adventurous. Good looking. Wild, crazy and fun. Steamy sex, unpredictability, and "challenge" is what we're looking for. All we require is that the guy "be nice" to us and we think we're head-over-heals in love.

 

After a few rough starts, and a few bad relationship experiences, what we look for in a potential partner begins to change. Stability, integrity and good character become the key ingredients in what we look for in a mate. And these kind of partners often make for the best long-term relationships. Which is why many of my 30-40 year old gal pals have become more selective about the partners they choose and have already been divorced (married young) and remarried.

 

So...what is it at this point in your life that you consider "good qualities" in a mate? What kind of things do you look for?... And can you pinpoint exactly which of these qualities your MM had (or you thought he had)?

[MsOutdoors]

Spock..i know how you feel. I posted under your thread on the "infidelity" forum. I know im the idiot that got involved with

this guy. Im the one that felt bad for him, feeling his wife

was a 'b--ch" because even their friends/family said so. But..he STILL must enjoy the life..because he is still there and says he is not leaving. Because of the kids, he says. However, he has been cheating since before he was married. I found out he was interested in a girl i know 17 years ago..when his wife, then fiance was pregnant with their first child. She(the lady i know) found out about the pregnant fiance and nothing ever happened between them.

However, he always likes to say that he is not 'out there' with women. He thinks because he does not have 2 or 3 other women at a time, that he is not 'out there'. I dont get it.

The reason the urge is there to "tell' the wife is because why should the other women have to just go away nicely and have all the hurt, and the guy just get to go home to his wife like nothing ever happened and do it all over again? Yeah..im taking my lumps now..but why cant he??

And the only way he will take those lumps is if his wife founds out.

Im quite certain she will NOT leave him, so its not like id be breaking up a home. she has had other instances of hearing about him with

other women, and she hasnt left yet. She wont. But..she WILL

make his life hell..cause she does it now. she is REAL jealous.

So..i KNOW she would give him pure hell. And this makes me strangely

happy. Is this vindictive..yeah i know. But..i havent done anything,

its just the feelings im going thru now. Hey..we BOTH did something wrong..why cant we BOTH pay for it? As far as his wife is concerned..she has had ideas of what he does, but she still stays. He works two jobs, pays all the bills, and buys her what she wants. she even quit her job. She aint going no where..by choice. So, let her deal with it, then. Im sorry..im just venting! Argghh

[Mr Spock]

I'm sorry, but you won't get any sympathy from me. My hatred of the wife is irrational-not warranted. Neither is yours. If she was such a c*nt he would have left. Don't get sucked in. She has done nothing to me-she's just there. Not her fault. Doesn't make me like her much but it's HIM that causes the resentment, not her. Please try not to forget that. I have to remind myself daily.

[shortbus74]

Mr. Spock you are having a hard time dealing with this because you are

1. YOUNG

2. You were not the one to end this relationship... he did (amazing what guilt can do)

3. There is something wrong with this man if he could not share this lifestyle with his wife..(sorry unpopular view but it is better to know than not to know)

 

 

I know that it is hard to deal with the rejection.... but please keep in mind that life does move on.... and there will be someone else.... I PROMISE YOU!!!!!!

 

I thought that life was over when I got divorced....but I did meet someone else and we are going to get married............

[Mr Spock]

I know, I will get over it and thank you for telling me that!! Congrats by the way, I wish you ultimate happiness. That's why I do like this board because I can pour out my frustration and hurt and get feedback with out hurting anyone else. Feeling OK today, BTW.

 

Thanks guys.

[4everluvU]

Maybe that might be how things appear but if the OW/OM hold their ground and refuse contact after letting them go....following the OTHER's heart will tell him what he has to do......leave or you'll never see me again. I'm doing it now and though it hurts...this is the only way I can be happy and FREE....to move on.

The ultamatum has been set by ME....not the OTHER.....So we'll see what the future holds....I'm just starting to feel better...with or without the other---life will go on....I care for myself to be unhappy anymore...20+ yrs is enough with OTHER

[4everluvU]

Things are in my corner now....I ended it in a way that rattle any cage.

Found out he went on vacation with W for honeymoon (it was their anniversary)....I waited 7 months for June to see where I stood with him.

Well I called his place of work and guess what----they said he was gone til the end of the week.....I lost it....All my suspicions, my thoughts were he was trying to make a go of marriage when his W found back in Jan by OT by mistake.

 

I called his cell and left my mark....You F......I hate you.....Well evidently and hopefully I put a "damper" on that.....I wouldn't answer the phone all week (it was him)...Finally a week to the day...and boy was I hurting through the week...lost 8 lbs....crying, etc etc.....I started writing a beautiful letter from my heart and poured it out on that paper. Told MM to follow heart, told MM how much I was hurting...that it was true love. The letter stated everything I wanted to say in the name of "LOVE"....Minutes after MM kept calling and calling...finally I answered told him to get a Divorce....that I will not take this relationship any longer......Mind you I never got out the reason for my blowing up....(his vacation with W) and he kept asking me what he did......I got my say in and didn't tell him then "Why"........that is how my mind operates....Suffer .......I left the MM with the thought of having a life with ME......Then I went out for six hours

 

Now this is the "KILLER" for my hurt.....I left a message late at night on cell...

telling him there was one more thing I had to say...and this is what I left.

"Your a deceitful liar....I know about your vacation and don't want you to bother me anymore"...................THAT WAS MY REVENGE ON MY HURT>>>>>>

 

What does everyone think on that???? I feel good today but the last two weeks have been rough.......I will survive....I am pushing myself everyday.....

 

 

 

Six

[Debster]

What does everyone think on that????

 

This is what I think:

 

Sounds to me that instead of taking this experience and learning from it and becoming a better, stronger, person - you've decided to form a revengeful, bitter, pity party. Why?

 

Why not just realize that what you thought and hoped would happen, didn't?

Why not just accept the fact the your 'love' was a lie?

Why not just recognize that he is a lying, cheating idiot?

Why not just gracefully back off and let him focus on his marriage?

Why not just admit that while you have a right to be hurt and upset, you do NOT have a right to act like a poor, scorned OW.

 

Do you forget - this was not your husband. He did not make the vows to you. You have limited rights here due to the fact that YOU decided to have an affair with a married man. Whatever hurt you are feeling is due to your own actions. If you want to blame someone, blame yourself.

 

And I hate to break it to you, but from what you put in your post, though you may seem to feel you gave the ultimatum, it appeared he had already made his choice. To stay with his wife and, if possible, keep you for some loving on the side.

 

Stop going after married men and start learning how to find and keep a mature, loving relationship. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

[EnigmaXOXO]

What does everyone think on that????

 

I think you were out of line.

 

You have no right to get angry when a married couple goes on vacation. That's what husbands and wives do. This is not YOUR marriage. It never was…nor will it ever be.

 

None of your business where this married couple chooses to vacation; how long they're gone; whether they're happy or miserable…or whether or not they choose to stay together in spite of each other's flaws. "For better or worse" is the commitment they made to each other before their family, friends and their church. He has never made that vow to you, put a ring on your finger, or asked you to share his last name. Any promises he made to you were done in secret, without witnesses, without any genuine commitment…without even a hand shake.

 

You got suckered into a bad deal, and walked straight into it with your eyes wide open however muddled your reasoning.

 

You're are; have always been; and will always be the outside observer. If you don't like being subjected to lurking in the shadows of someone else's committed relationship, then take your lesson, what's left of your dignity, and get out!

 

I know the message I'm delivering is harsh…but it’s the absolute unadulterated truth delivered without the sugar coating. A bitter pill…but one that many women in your situation have been forced to swallow, no less.

[Four]

I appreciate your response and as for love on the side-----we are in different states and Sex was never an issue.....I have swallowed the loss. Even though MM keeps calling and I'm not answering. I was married too....and my husband left me for MW, so don't think I'm some kind of idiot to this scenerio......I do reap what I sow!!!!! And you right----

[Mr Spock]

I think it makes you look crazy. It's one thing to get on here and vent and b*tch and complain and pour out all your hurt and anger (hey that's me) it's another to actually dump it on someone else.

 

I identify with your anger. Reading the hurt and anger in your words brings up alot of my anger too. Really. I'm still angry. I'm angrier when I see him than when I see her-she's in some of my exercise classes and it's a pennance/see if I can handle public sightings combo thing. I haven't seen him face to face yet.

 

But I think that you need to focus that energy into something else.

 

You need to not think about them together. They have history and vacations and friends and memories that you will never be able to compete with. It hurts, but it's true.

 

I am a bona fide drama queen. I have a very hot temper and my emotion scale is extreme. I recognize it in you too. You are addicted to it. You, like me, seem to never be happy unless you are torturing yourself or obsessing over something. Do your mental health a favour and just cut it off. If he's not getting a divorce, be done with it, for your own sake. You'll give yourself an ulcer.

[MsOutdoors]

Well..i have an extremely hot temper too. And im extremely emotional. I read all the things on here that people say..that the OW know what they are getting into, and to walk away, etc. But, It scares me because I have such vengeful feelings. I just cant shake the thought of having to slink away while nothing happens to the guy.

Yes..i know thats f-d up..I GET that. But it DOESNT change how I feel.

The urge to 'make him pay" is strong. I dont know how Im going to handle this.

[Mr Spock]

Ms Outdoors I am dealing with the urge to make him pay too. I'll let you know how I do. So far almost a week no contact

 

BUT, he emailed me today. I'm not quite sure what to do here. Should I respond? He wants to know how I'm doing.

[Mr Spock]

I did send a reply. He asked if he was still allowed to email me and wanted to know how I was doing. I told him I had never said he wasn't allowed but I didn't see much point to it. Told me his computer was down so he couldn't read my reply.

 

Sigh. My friends think he's full of sh*t.

[SingleInTheCity]

Spock - this is a lose/lose situation - here is your opportunity to cease all communicaton and break all ties with this person and take control of your life. This is not love - this is a cycle of madness that will continue for as long as he wants to entertain this. Your wounds will never heal and you'll never take the time to figure out why you settled for a situation like this. This life lesson has nothing to do with him perse and everything to do with you. Maybe counseling and/or group therapy is a good resource for helping you identify your own interpersonal issues that have gone unresolved.

 

During your bouts with anger - write in a journal - you'll find over time it soothes the intensity of the emotion and creates avenues to reflect back on when you aren't so emotionally charged.

 

Take care of you because that's what's most important and eliminate the DRAMA from your universe.

[Mr Spock]

You think I need counselling because I'm angry that I got dumped? I'm not eating boiled rabbit yet....:-) This board is just a place to vent, and get advice. And I've followed some of it. It's very, very good. Today I'm having a good day-tomorrow I might not. I am just going to take it in stride and try not to let things get me down. Thank you for your opinion-I really appreciate that you took the time to read my stuff and respond in a non insulting manner. Working on the drama.

[Mr Spock]

He's emailing me again. Like nothing ever happened. How was your weekend? I did this and this and blah blah blah.

 

Why?? WHY is he doing this? I was doing SO WELL. I replied, even though it's unadvisable to do so-told him I didn't think I could be friends with him, that Ididn't trust him, that I didn't think he deserved it.

 

 

Sigh. Part of me thinks its because he really does have feelings for me (not, of course, the love he feels for his wife) and doesn't want to completely lose contact with me, part of me feels he's stringing me along and the other part feels he's doing the best damage control he knows how. Hate this sh*t. I explained fully how I felt about him-he should be running!! The other way!!! Does he have no idea that it hurts me? I don't think he'd be intentionally cruel. My guess is that he enjoys the emails. Enjoys having someone care about his day but was getting scared of the physical part, of discovery. Now that he's put a stop to it he misses the emailing.......I don't know.

[Paradise]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

He's emailing me again. Like nothing ever happened. How was your weekend? I did this and this and blah blah blah.

You need get a new e-mail address and stop communicating with him.

[Paradise]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

He's emailing me again. Like nothing ever happened. How was your weekend? I did this and this and blah blah blah.

 

Why?? WHY is he doing this? I was doing SO WELL. I replied, even though it's unadvisable to do so-told him I didn't think I could be friends with him, that Ididn't trust him, that I didn't think he deserved it.

 

 

Sigh. Part of me thinks its because he really does have feelings for me (not, of course, the love he feels for his wife) and doesn't want to completely lose contact with me, part of me feels he's stringing me along and the other part feels he's doing the best damage control he knows how. Hate this sh*t. I explained fully how I felt about him-he should be running!! The other way!!! Does he have no idea that it hurts me? I don't think he'd be intentionally cruel. My guess is that he enjoys the emails. Enjoys having someone care about his day but was getting scared of the physical part, of discovery. Now that he's put a stop to it he misses the emailing.......I don't know.

Most of us know why he wants to keep in touch with you, as married man has limited motives. You’re giving in to him one of the most important element in life, self-respect.

I do not see any good outcome for you by writing e-mails to him. That will only lead you into more pain later.

[Mr Spock]

I know. I just don't know what to say to the guy. So I told him I wasn't really sure about this "friend" thing. Isn't it funny after all this I'm still worried about what he thinks? If I'm being rude?

 

I tell ya. I'm whipped. Dammit. WHY email....it goes no where...just starts my cycle of self doubt and anguish all over again.

[Midnight Magic]

Mr. Spock

 

Don't beat yourself up!

We all do things for a reason!!

Sometimes we can explain them and other times we can't.

 

I ended a romance with a MM and it was the best thing that happened.

It feels good at first, but this quickly fades, as there is too much at stake.

On both peron's part.

 

I was feeling great with him, and then the guilt overpowered me.

And I got to thinking what the hell is wrong with me, I had a boyfriend while doing this.

It was not fair to anyone.

 

Plus the MM was my co-worker, and I have to work heads on with his wife sometimes, and she is the most

nicest and helpful person that I have ever met. I just could not do it any longer. I am thankful that the MM has

such a great woman he deserves it.

 

I wrote him a long e-mail while he was in his office, and when he read it, he was hurt, that I had rejected him, and I told him that I did not reject him. And that I was saving his marriage and my relationship, and that we would still be friends and co-workers since his office is right next to mine.

We hugged and left it at that. And things have been good ever since.

 

There was so much to lose. I get paid a great salary at this job and so does he, why should we jeopardize so much, like we can not let our emotions get the best of us just because it feels good at the moment.

 

I would stop the contact with him if it hurts you. Trust me I have been there. Many times I have had my heart ripped out over and over again, but in time it will heal.

 

Life is too short to have to live in pain. I have been there enough myself so I know first hand the reality of it all.

 

There is someone out there for you, and you will find him when you least expected it.

When you are not looking for a relationship.

Best of luck, you are in my thoughts.

[Mr Spock]

Thank you very much for your reply, I am and was feeling paricularly low this past evening. I'm working on feeling better...................

[littleflowerpot]

Originally posted by johan

I don't blame you for feeling hurt and angry. He sounds like a moron.

 

What's the purpose of a face to face meeting? What would that achieve? You know everything you need to know. I believe you can provide your own "closure" on this, and I'm not sure there is more to discuss. I'm curious more than anything. I agree that he SHOULD have had the guts to tell you in person. But he didn't, so what are you going to get from him in person that you didn't get in the emails?

 

i feel so much like mr. spock right now. and you are right. i want the validation. i want it to be over. i want the pain to be over and i want to move on. but moving on seems so hard right now when i feel so invalidated.

 

but there was a lot of wisdom in what you said and i'll be reading it over and over a few times in the days to come.